Ouch! A hard lesson learned

[starplayer]

This is longer than I originally intended, but I just needed to vent. This is more for myself than anything but other guys should take this as a warning of how cold and manipulative some girls can be.

So basically, I’m feeling a bit sh!t right now. I feel like I’ve been totally played by a girl.

There’s this girl I’d been casually seeing for a while and had slept with a few times before. She’s quite hot, probably a 8, and we vibe well. I also know her distantly through my social circle so I know she’s not a complete slvt. She had been showing high IL in me and been excited to see me and I thought I had the upper hand. My game was pretty tight. She was becoming more affectionate and was chasing me a bit.

Anyway, last night we go to a bar. It’s all going OK until after 2-3 hours at the bar she makes a comment about how she is going back to hers tonight (which implies no sex). I ignored it as a possible sh!t test, because she has done this sort of thing before, although in the back of my mind I knew something was probably wrong. I try not to let it affect my mood but then she starts acting a bit cold and distant. Again I ignore it, but after a while I call her out on it (probably a mistake). This is where the real fun begins.

She then says she’s acting like that because she doesn’t know “what I want” from her, because to be fair I kept my intentions fairly well hidden. She had asked this before and asked my feelings, etc, and I avoided answering. I just said that I didn’t know what she wants either, but reassured her that I wasn’t just using her.

We then went to a club and she seems warmer to me. She says about future places we could go, and seems more back to normal. After a while she starts asking why I don’t talk to her much when we’re apart, and if I miss her. She then asks if I’m seeing other girls, and that she’s not seeing other guys. She told me she wanted more and that she wanted a relationship with me. She asked me if I wanted to be with her and I said I did. After talking and persuading for a while I (very stupidly) agreed not to see other girls and she assured me she wanted to be with me. We make out and then she’s very close to me and seems very happy, and so was I.

She then suddenly goes very cold on me again. We leave, get some food, then she says she doesn’t feel well and is going home. Without even saying bye she walked quickly away. I caught up and she angrily told me “it’s not ever gonna happen between us”. She turned and walked and didn’t look back. I was left standing there like WTF?!?

Within half hour of giving her what she said she wanted, she threw me away. It’s not like I was pushing for a relationship – she was. I cannot fvcking believe it.

This is why guys are commitment phobes. I never should’ve validated her. I should’ve hit it and quit it, or strung her along as a FWB. I slipped and fvcked up. Just trying so hard not to be bitter at the moment because I kinda liked this girl. She caused a bit of trouble before but this is something else.

Sorry it’s so long. Any comments welcome. But this thread is mostly to help me get it out and remember in a weak moment DO NOT CALL/TEXT HER, EVER.

NEXT!

 

[Pdizzzzzzle]

Good job, cut her off and don't look back. She sounds like a headcase.

 

[Mr.Freestyler19]

lol.....if shes interested shell call or txt

 

[Pimp-sicle]

You messed from the start since the agenda was never set between you two. This made her feel like you have been using her for sex and nothing more and made her resentful over time.

If you really did want to pursue a relationship with her, you should have made the effort to show her that after you two fuvked the first time. Since you didn't it made her resentment towards you grow.

Then when she pressured you to get into a relationship with her, you agreed, BUT she had already made up her mind about you. Essentially she just wanted, like most girls to be the one to end it.

You might be able to fuvk her a few more times since you guys run in the same social ciricle, but be prepared for a full blown jealousy war to begin, where she flirts with other guys, makes out with other guys and generally tries to rub it in your face.

Don't get sucked into this trap, don't give her the reaction she wants and move on.

But make sure you know that it IS NOT THE GIRL WHO FUVKED UP HERE; it was you, the man, who failed to set the agenda and who got destroyed by your early mistake.





PIMP

 

[starplayer]

lol.....if shes interested shell call or txt

She was very interested. Somewhere along the way it went wrong, but not sure where - maybe last night, but I suspect her IL had faded a bit already for her to even pull that stunt.

At the end of last night she made it very clear she is no longer interested. I know this girl and I'm almost 100% sure she will not contact me, because she knows I won't reply.

We might run into each other in a month or so but not definitely. She'll probably wait it out then try and get my validation for her ego.

If she does contact me or it's not interest on her part - she'll just want to reel me back in and mess with me. She's got the upper hand now and she knows it.

I know I sound cynical lol, but it's the truth.

But I don't want her back anyway. She dissed me too bad and she's acted up a bit before. She crossed the line.

 

[starplayer]

You messed from the start since the agenda was never set between you two. This made her feel like you have been using her for sex and nothing more and made her resentful over time.

If you really did want to pursue a relationship with her, you should have made the effort to show her that after you two fuvked the first time. Since you didn't it made her resentment towards you grow.

Then when she pressured you to get into a relationship with her, you agreed, BUT she had already made up her mind about you. Essentially she just wanted, like most girls to be the one to end it.

You might be able to fuvk her a few more times since you guys run in the same social ciricle, but be prepared for a full blown jealousy war to begin, where she flirts with other guys, makes out with other guys and generally tries to rub it in your face.

Don't get sucked into this trap, don't give her the reaction she wants and move on.

But make sure you know that it IS NOT THE GIRL WHO FUVKED UP HERE; it was you, the man, who failed to set the agenda and who got destroyed by your early mistake.





PIMP

I agree that she may have thought I was using her. Especially at the start. I was playing it cool and she said she "didn't get me".

BUT
I think that's just an excuse she was using to get rid of me. I think that her IL must have faded. But I don't get why she acted so interested (initiating contact, wanting to see me, etc), her IL seemed to be getting HIGHER. Really confusing lol.

 

[B. Fierce]

You messed from the start since the agenda was never set between you two. This made her feel like you have been using her for sex and nothing more and made her resentful over time.




PIMP

Hey Pimp-sicle,

I am curious to know why women have an issue with a guy if he doesn't define what he wants the relationship to be from the start.

For example, in the OP's case why wouldn't she just assume a f-buddy relationship if he didn't hint at wanting anything meaningful with her ?

 

[nismo-4]

TL;DR!

Now you know to etch sh*t in stone instead of jello. Jello was you here, a blithering blob of insecurity.

You didn't enjoy your permanent trip to Chumpsland, North Carolina, did you?

Cut her loose, move to another girl. It's for your own good. I don't wanna hear you talking about this girl as a oneitis.

Case closed.

 

[Commandante]

I will sum up your story:

You get some sh!t tests again and again.
You ignore them again and again.

She ask you about your feelings again and again.
You ignore it again and again.

She ask you about your intentions again and again.
You ignore it again and again.

The biggest sh!t test of ever comes:

After talking and persuading for a while I (very stupidly) agreed not to see other girls and she assured me she wanted to be with me.

And you fail. I mean she is not your GF, but you are ready not to fvck any other girls?

Ever heared about C&F?

You say your play was tight. It might be. But playing something means being an actor. Pretending to be someone you aren´t. And girls use sh!t tests to get know the guy you really are and see behind the facade of the PUA.

If you play, you will fail. Sooner or later you will fvck up a couple of sh!t tests, you will get out your frame and loose the girl.

But if you don´t play, you will not fail. Because the guy you really are is the same guy you seem to be. There is no facade the chick could take a look behind.

What´s the solution? Don´t play. Improve yourself until you don´t have to play, or you don´t have to play too much.

And learn C&F!

And learn the language of chicks:

Within half hour of giving her what she said she wanted, she threw me away. It’s not like I was pushing for a relationship – she was. I cannot fvcking believe it.

What women say is in general not what they want. For example:

“Do you want to buy me a drink?” means
I´m a cheap b!tch and fvck for drinks.
or
Please be a man! Don´t buy me any drinks. Make me want to buy you a drink.

“I´m gonna sleep home tonight” means
“Please be a man! Don´t let me go home alone, that´s boring. Make me want to fvck you at your place tonight”

“I don´t want you to see another girls” means
“Please be a man. Make me sure that you are great fisher and there are plenty of fish in the see, and you are with me not because your fishing rod is broken but because I´m the most precious fish in that see!”

Do you see where this is heading to?

 

[starplayer]

Unfortunately I think you're right Commandante. The sad thing is I have also been totally of the view that KEEPING a woman attracted cannot be done using tricks and games. One night stand -yes; FB/relationship -no.

You must have real VALUE and you must have other real easily available OPTIONS. Self-improvement is key.

I'm pretty naturally good with ****y and funny actually, but I had a weak moment and blew it - I was drunk at the time. This was indeed a massive sh!t test that I failed.
(Oh and when I said I wouldn't see other girls she already said she wouldn't see other guys - so it would have been a relationship. That's what she kept telling me she wanted)

I've read this thread before and think I failed badly. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=134995&highlight=test+fails

What's more annoying is I know this sh!t. Look at the second post here http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1615203#post1615203

She was even showing the beginning signs of being clingy at one stage - I thought she would be the one to get hurt! I don't want her anymore after the other night, but it still hurts my ego that she stole the frame. Don't worry, I'm moving on.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

I agree that she may have thought I was using her. Especially at the start. I was playing it cool and she said she "didn't get me".

BUT
I think that's just an excuse she was using to get rid of me. I think that her IL must have faded. But I don't get why she acted so interested (initiating contact, wanting to see me, etc), her IL seemed to be getting HIGHER. Really confusing lol.

Your wrong here; she didn't want to get rid of you at all. However, once it became clear to her by your actions that you weren't trying to get into an exclusive relationship with her she didn't want anything to do with you. Once a woman makes up her mind on you, its nearly impossible to change it.

One of the best ways to get a girl to hate you or resent you is to fuvk her and not contact her or try to hang out with her again shortly after, UNLESS its understood from the start that you two are fuvk buddies and nothing more.





PIMP

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Hey Pimp-sicle,

I am curious to know why women have an issue with a guy if he doesn't define what he wants the relationship to be from the start.

For example, in the OP's case why wouldn't she just assume a f-buddy relationship if he didn't hint at wanting anything meaningful with her ?

Good question; women don't like uncertainty with a guy once they've opened their legs for him. Hence why you always see even relationships that start as fuvk buddies eventually turn into an actual relationship or it abruptly ends when one of the partner's catches feelings, which is usually inevitable unless you find a girl you fuvk a couple times a year and nothing more.

In the OP case the reason she didn't assume a FB relationship is because that was never established from the start. And when I say "established from the start" I don't mean both the guy and and girl having a verbal conversation about it; although lots of FB do.. I mean that since its obvious that the OP wasn't taking the girl out on dates or increasing contact with her, she became resentful because she obviously thought he liked her as much as she liked him.

Its also common to go through this in an established FB relationship; but if you hold your ground if the girl is pressuring you for more and even gets upset with you; she usually comes back around after a few weeks to a month because she still has lingering feelings.

In this case I can see them fuvkin' a few more times down the line; but the girl will be protecting her heart and most likely never let her guard down with him again.




PIMP

 

[starplayer]

Your wrong here; she didn't want to get rid of you at all. However, once it became clear to her by your actions that you weren't trying to get into an exclusive relationship with her she didn't want anything to do with you. Once a woman makes up her mind on you, its nearly impossible to change it.

One of the best ways to get a girl to hate you or resent you is to fuvk her and not contact her or try to hang out with her again shortly after, UNLESS its understood from the start that you two are fuvk buddies and nothing more.





PIMP

You may be onto something. But I thought if a girl is really attracted then you can get away with practically anything. You always here them complaining about guys using them for sex but they still stay with those guys.

That's why I think low IL, because she's gone and I know she won't be back. Would she really do that to a guy she had high IL in, even if he was avoiding exclusivity. If I ever see her again she'll try and make me jealous no doubt. She's hot so can get a lot of male attention, and she's a bit of a player.

TBH I didn't want a LTR or anything really serious to come of this situation, because of some circumstances and also I don't know how well I could trust her and we didn't have enough in common. But she was alright and I thought she was just down for some fun.

I don't know if she really wanted a relationship or if she just wanted to know that she could get me into one. Guess I'll never know.....

 

[jafyk]

Interesting thread. This is why I come here from time to time even when I'm in a relationship or possible one because one needs to constantly remind himself of these things even if it's through other people's experience.
I have a similar situation with a FB she caught feelings and even though we both agree we don't have the spark. I get the sense she doesn't mind the FB relationship but she's helpful in other ways. I feel like maybe she's waiting for me to change my mind (which I doubt will happen). I don't know if she's like this because as she claims I'm her first. A friend of hers even contacted me via facebook insinuating I was trying to play her. So, since then I just don't even know if I should be doing her cos if she's wanting more even though she knows she won't get it; it might be misleading her. Any thoughts? Should she f-ck me at her own risk since she knows or should I cut her loose. She sends me txts about her being hrny which implies to me that she wants me. Even when I gave her an answer like "that sucks, maybe next time" she responds with "ha...maybe" The last time I was with her and we cuddled I wasn't trying to do her. She had to ask for it and I gave it to her but then she found out about her friend contacting me and was mad at me claiming that my actions were misleading her. So, I'm not sure if I should cut her loose.

 

[starplayer]

Well it’s a week later, and after some reflecting I realize where I went wrong. I know I fvcked up but I want to at least learn from my mistakes. So basically the problem was: her interest had already seriously dropped before that night.

There were some obvious sh!t tests in the weeks leading up to this night which I failed. I KNEW one of them was a test and I could’ve easily passed but I rationalized her behaviour and put up with it. So annoyed with myself.

She faked high interest up until the night to get me to meet up, leading me on a bit, when her interest was probably only moderate by then. She was being slightly disrespectful at the start which grew throughout the night to being an outright b!tch and eventually ended as a disaster. I should’ve put my foot down and stood up for myself at the start but I wanted to get laid too much so didn’t want to p!ss her off. Typical nice guy AFC behaviour. When she turned into a b!tch, I turned into a b!tch.

Even right up until the end of the night she was throwing little sh!t tests. It’s as if she was saying “please pass them, make my pvssy wet”. She gave me chance after chance and I failed sh!t test after sh!t test. It’s like she was clinging onto the hope that I would stop being spineless and stand up to her. End result: she wasn’t turned on by me anymore and left. It’s so obvious now.

My mind was focused on sex and so I put up with her sh!t that night. I didn’t enforce my boundaries and so she lost all respect and attraction for me.

Lessons learned:
-Must ALWAYS spin more plates and work towards self-improvement (which I already knew)
-NEVER let a girl cross your boundaries just to get pvssy
-Her respecting you is CRUCIAL for attraction
-If she really crosses the line and abuses you, NEVER take her back no matter how much you like her and what she promises you now