other guys

[speedo_meme]

this is a follow up to my "getting back with an ex" thread.....

I guess you could say me and this girl are dating again, not quite serious, but we are f*cking, and we were serious the first time we dated, so we're no strangers to each other. She's got lots of guy friends, and I realize this is just something I'm going to have to live with if I want to date her. Or is it?

She has this one friend that calls her every 2 weeks or so trying to get her to hook up with her, she says. She complains about it, of course. They dated for 9 months a couple of years ago. She's been a girl he's called to talk about problems since then (my take is he turned into a wussy and she dumped him). Now, on the surface he appears to be a friend, but I know deep down he wants in her pants and thinks being a close friend will get him there one day.

That's the wuss road, like Rollo was talking about in the other thread, so I don't think this guy has a chance. He called her and came over to her house yesterday, with me there. Nothing happened, we sat around, smoked a cig and he left. But, what if I hadn't been there?

What's a logical path for me to take here? Tell her to cut that sh*t out? Go straight to him and tell him what's up? Or just ignore it? By now you all probably know that I do like this girl and I don't want some schmuck coming in causing distractions.

 

[drZaius09]

Ok, I'm going to tell you exactly how to handle this. Go out and rent a movie called "City of God." It is quite an excellent film about the slums of Brazil in the late 60's... What does this have to do with the situation you posted about? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

It pains me to no end to see you guys come here and post stories like this. I really wish you could understand that this *one* girl just DOESN'T MATTER. She doesn't matter AT ALL. Who cares if she screws some other guy, or ten other guys. She's still screwing you, right? Ok, then who the f#ck cares?!? You can go out and have fun with as many girls as you want. It's your god-given right as a man. And if she stops having sex with you, it just DOESN'T MATTER because you've always got something else or someone else to keep you busy.

Now go rent that movie. It's a good one, I promise.

 

[Desdinova]

Let me ask you this, would she be okay with you remaining friends with a girl you used to fvck?

You're gonna have to put a stop to this. If he's still got a boner for her, he's going to c0ckblock you. If she won't put a stop to it, you might want to consider kicking her ass to the curb. If she's complaining about him on top of it, why doesn't she kick him out of her life? He may be on the backburner in case it doesn't work out between the two of you.

However, if you're just going to be fvck buddies with her, you shouldn't care.

As for her normal guy friends, she'll make her choice. If her choice is to be with you, you're going to have no problems. Let her have her AFC guy friends. They're no match for a DJ anyway, so why worry about it?

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by Desdinova
You're gonna have to put a stop to this.

God help us.

He may be on the backburner in case it doesn't work out between the two of you.

Yeah, so what if he is? She doesn't have a right to cover all her bases? You certainly do, why shouldn't she?

However, if you're just going to be fvck buddies with her, you shouldn't care.

You shouldn't care anyway, whether f#ck-buddy or friend or girlfriend. This all comes back to insecurity. It is insecurity and ONLY insecurity that compels you to meddle in this girls' life. Go get a life of your own and you'll never give a sh#t again. Until then you're nothing more than a closet AFC.

 

[NewMan]

You cannot have a healthy relationship with a woman if you are insecure.

If your just fvcking her - then don't worry about it.

I had a relationship with a girl once where I was totaly insecure - totally hated her having guy friends - would cause a big fuss about them - jealous - not overly so, but jealous non the less.

That relationship ended. As soon as you become insecure about her and her guy friends, you loose all power.

I'm in a relationship now, where I'm exactly the opposite. My current girl has guy friends - and they want her to go out with them.... initally she went out with them a few times - would come back and tell me that they wanted her etc. etc. I would just laugh, tell her that I guess she may as well take her toothbrush with her - sh#t like that - to which she would tell me no way is she interested and fvck my brains out.

Now, she doesn't even go out with them any more - why? it's not because of my being on her case about it - far from it, it's because I couldn't give a fvck - and to be honest I liked her doing her own thing, because I would calls up the guys and go out as well...

Bottom line is, you can't control anything she does. You can only control what you do and how you react.

Be confident, be sure - be a DJ. If she fvcks someone else then she fvcks someone else - she just needs to know (just by the way you are as a man) that you'll kick her to the curb if she does.

 

[speedo_meme]

thanks......esp. for the cold hard honest truth.....we all need wake up calls, that's why we come here.....

 

[GirlCrazy]

We're right back to the "zen of indifference" here.

If she's banging the guy, dump her. If she's not banging the guy, then don't stress it.

Acting insecure about the issue will only make you look bad, so as far as she's concerned you're totally cool with her hanging out with her guy friends.

If her guy friends get bold and disrespect you, then it's up to her to deal with that disrespect. If she lets them get away with disrespecting you, then that means she doesn't respect you either, so dump her.

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by NewMan
If she fvcks someone else then she fvcks someone else - she just needs to know (just by the way you are as a man) that you'll kick her to the curb if she does.

I was in complete agreement until I got to this sentence. I just don't see how you can react so matter-of-factly. Is it that damaging to your self-esteem that she sees other people?

If you want to pull-back and focus more energy on the other girls in your life, that I can understand. But to unequivocally "kick her to the curb" makes no sense whatsoever. Of course, this all hinges upon the fact that she is still giving up the goods. If she is denying you sex in favor of the other guy, then by all means dump her.

 

[speedo_meme]

yeah i was probably overreacting, but I made up any ground I lost by other girls calling me while I was with her, so oh well...

 

[NewMan]

Is it that damaging to your self-esteem that she sees other people?

Doesn't it depend on whether your in a relationship or not?


If your in an LTR - then you have no other resolve than to kick her to the curb. If you don't, you lose all respect in her eyes - don't you agree?

Now, if your just fvcking her - no plans of an LTR - i agree, keep her around and keep plugging away and work on other chicks.

For me personally, if I'm in a relationship with a chick and she gives the goods to someone else, then she's out of there. I'm not going to invest time, money and energy into her. Even if she's still willing to put out - it's a line that she should not cross. If we were just fvcking and hanging - then it's fine - she can do what she wants.

For me I think it's the level of commitment. If I'm in an real relationship with a chick, I will go a little further - do more for her, be around more often - do more things for her - as opposed to if I were just hanging and banging a chick.

That's my line anyways,.

 

[Ars Amoris]

Just a thought, look carefully at the words "self esteem" especially the "self" part. Self esteem comes from YOU not from another person. If she plays away from home then your attitude should be that she just blew her chances of something unique, and very special,...YOU! So dont feel sorry for yourself feel sorry for her, she blew it, she ****ed up, She kicked HER ass to the curb.

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by NewMan
Doesn't it depend on whether your in a relationship or not?

No.

If your in an LTR...

I define an "LTR" as a girl that I'm having sex with for an extended period of time. Maybe we do other things together too, but there is NO level of committment of any kind. I expect nothing from her and she should expect nothing from me.

...then you have no other resolve than to kick her to the curb. If you don't, you lose all respect in her eyes - don't you agree?

Why is her respect so important to you? Honestly, I want to know.

I know I have different views then a lot of you guys, but seriously, take a look at the traditional male/female relationship dynamic as it's portrayed by the media, your parents or grandparents, etc... it's a lost art. It's over. People change and evolve, and the way people interact with each other changes and evolves. We're still clinging to this outmoded concept of "happily ever after..." but it's merely a pipe dream now. This isn't necessarily negative or cynical, and there's no reason to get angry about it. It's just how we've evolved. If you can resist it and find your dream and be happy, then jah bless. But I have to stay realistic.

 

[NewMan]

but there is NO level of committment of any kind

then you don't have a relationship. I can't see how you can be in a LTR without any level of commitment. Perhaps a STR.

Why is her respect so important to you? Honestly, I want to know.

If she doesn't respect you, she's not going to fvck you. That's the bottom line. I couldn't give a crap, but I just know from experience it's important for a woman.

it's a lost art. It's over.

I think the jury is out on that one. Certainly from statistics, your agrument can be well backed.

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by NewMan
If she doesn't respect you, she's not going to fvck you. That's the bottom line.

I did qualify all this by saying that if she's not f#cking you, drop her. Women can sleep with you without respecting you just the same as they can respect you without sleeping with you. But that's beside the point.

 

[ikkenai]

Originally posted by drZaius09
I was in complete agreement until I got to this sentence. I just don't see how you can react so matter-of-factly. Is it that damaging to your self-esteem that she sees other people?

Man, you're looking at this the wrong way. Regarding the poster - It's his reality. He should go for what HE wants, not whatever he perceives to be what the GIRL wants. If HE doesn't like the idea of having his girl getting with other guys, then HE should get rid of her.

You're talking about "oh, well whatever the girl does shouldn't affect you, and if it does, you're insecure" and "if you're doing whatever with other girls, then she should be able to as well". That's a load of crap.

This is his reality. If she isn't following the gameplan the he dictates for himself and for his life, then she's out. To allow her to do something that he feels is disrespectful is to invite further insult. If he doesn't act, he will have hurt HIMSELF by not being congruent with what he feels is best for himself. She will see this weakness and lose attraction to him. If he lays down the law, she may get mad... or, she may have an increased respect (and therefore attraction) for him.

To the poster: Do what you feel is best for YOURSELF. F--- what you think is fair for the girl.

 

[speedo_meme]

well, I usually insist that we're just dating most of the time, trying to keep myself a challenge. and i don't see her every day. We're getting more and more serious, and her interest level is high. she goes out of her way to assure me that this guy is history.

the thing is, she's a touchy feely, flirty up beat type of girl. Always has been. I have all the buying signs that she wants me and no one else right now, no reason to really doubt her. I mean, she went 3 months without ****ing anyone. I appreciate all the advice, and I think drZaius is right on this one. I'll probly just keep a smile on my face and keep her laughing, until she crosses that fine line. If and when she does she's history...

 

[Desdinova]

The thing is, this chick is complaining about her ex wanting her back, yet she continues to allow him into her life. If he's in a serious LTR with her (which I forgot to mention in my first post), having ex's around should not be tolerated. It's not the issue of being insecure, it's the issue of not tolerating her bull5hit.

As I stated before, the guy friends (who she hasn't dated) are not an issue. She hasn't dated them, and she most likely never will. If you're insecure about her guy friends, you've got the problem, not her.

If you're pissed off that she's hanging around her ex, that's one of her problems. An ex is exactly that - an EX. The ex is continuing to try and get her back, and sooner or later it will become an issue (badmouthing you, romantic gifts to her). I went through the same crap in my LTR and put an end to it. My woman still has guy friends and that's fine.

If you're not in a serious LTR with her, it's none of your business.

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by ikkenai
If she isn't following the gameplan the he dictates for himself and for his life, then she's out. To allow her to do something that he feels is disrespectful is to invite further insult... F--- what you think is fair for the girl.

You're so wrapped-up in this drama that you're missing the point entirely. This isn't about what's "fair" for the girl, I couldn't give a sh#t less. The POINT is that YOU feel disrespected by her behavior. The POINT is that YOU require her to be completely committed to you. These are the trademarks of an insecure individual. Just for the fact that you have this "gameplan" suggests that you've invested far too much self-worth in the way your sexual relationships run their course.

Like a lot of the issues we see on this board, you are addressing the symptom and not the disease. The symptom is her not following your "gameplan" ... the disease is the fact that you force this "gameplan" on her and yourself to begin with.