Opinions?

[Piers Nivens]

Is telling her what she said hurt you, good or bad?

She called me an idiot, and I responded with "keep your rude attitude to yourself". Went cold, NC. Tells me I always hurt her feelings etc, and that my last message hurt her feelings as well.

Would telling her that her calling me an idiot hurt me as well be positive or negative? I UNDERSTAND, cannot show that I'm hurt etc/let her take the upper hand/be in control of my emotions, but she is extremely sensitive and hasn't dealt much with men. I have hurt her feelings quite a few times so I guess maybe admitting once won't be a bad thing? (especially since I was trying to HELP her before she called me that)

If not, how should I follow up instead?

the conversation transcript:

she calls me. Tells me she's lost in NJ and needs driving directions. I had a lot of guests over so I tell her let me get on my laptop and I'll get back to you.

5 minutes later, I text her "what is it? tell me quick I have to go out".

She responds 10 minutes later:
"nvm"
"i told you to call idiot"
"we found our way"
"thanks a lot "

I write back:"I left my home anyways. Keep your rude attitude to yourself".

Within minutes, she sends about 10 messages in a row:
"what?"
"???"
"why are you so mean to me?"
"I just asked you for directions, sorry"
"God, you dont have to hurt people's feelings all the time okay"
"if you dont like the way I speak, you don't have to hurt someone okay. And I wasn't even being rude"
"bye. don't ever talk to me again"
"bye"

that was days ago. Now she wants to talk about it in person in two days (just her excuse of meeting up again, she has done it before)

 

[Asterisk]

Just let it roll off your back, dude.
People talk **** every hour, but at the end of the day,what does it
really amount to?

 

[sylvester the cat]

In The Godfather, Don Corleone tells his son Sonny 'never let anyone know what you're thinking.'

He never explained why but the way I see it is if people know what you are thinking or feeling then you are giving away your power.

ultimately nobody can do or say anything to hurt you. Your emotions are yours and only you can control them. to say she hurt you is tantamount to saying you control me.

 

[Piers Nivens]

In The Godfather, Don Corleone tells his son Sonny 'never let anyone know what you're thinking.'

He never explained why but the way I see it is if people know what you are thinking or feeling then you are giving away your power.

ultimately nobody can do or say anything to hurt you. Your emotions are yours and only you can control them. to say she hurt you is tantamount to saying you control me.

Thanks

That's what I figured, to not say it, despite the fact that it did kinda hurt (then again, later it became more "pissed off" really, since I was trying to help her and know that I didn't deserve that bullshvt).

I suppose I'll continue going no contact until she breaks the barrier first.

 

[Piers Nivens]

Just let it roll off your back, dude.
People talk **** every hour, but at the end of the day,what does it
really amount to?

Also true, but I was really thinking about the times I've hurt her feelings and how this one has made her go NC for the first time (even though I am NC in return).

I just don't want to push it so far that she loses interest, know what I mean?

 

[Asterisk]

Also true, but I was really thinking about the times I've hurt her feelings and how this one has made her go NC for the first time (even though I am NC in return).

I just don't want to push it so far that she loses interest, know what I mean?

sounds like a sh!t test to me....

 

[Piers Nivens]

sounds like a sh!t test to me....

She's never had a boyfriend, she doesn't have much experience with men, she's religious and pretty conservative when it comes to these things.

In fact, I am the first guy she has ever seated in her car (that speaks a lot, especially if you know her in person). She downright doesn't have men touch her or touch them herself. (2011 she invites me to Six Flags, I kino and she disapproves saying I should not touch her. A year later we are in the same college, and suddenly SHE IS DOING KINO ON ME; she's still religious).

Got the backstory in this topic if you want the read (not long):

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=198332

But yeah, I'm staying no contact until she initiates.

 

[flashpoint]

if you want to do it Rosenberg style, here is a suggestion for you. you address the subject, name your feelings, explain what's behind it and make a request. could go like this:

"you have called me an idiot. frankly that made me pretty angry. i got angry because it felt like you dont respect me and you see if you dont respect me i cant see this relationship working. now i really want this to work because i kinda like you and there are alot of good things about you, but you must also know that i wont put up with just everything for the sake of that. i know we all get emotional sometimes and say or do things we regret later, but there is a line and you gotta know that it is there. so please next time think twice before you call me names."

setting boundaries and giving options with clear consequences is never a mistake. unless of course you cant be strict on these consequences.

 

[Atom Smasher]

This ^^^ except I wouldn't say "that made me angry". That shows reactiveness and vulnerability. It should presented more as a principle, that you do not accept or tolerate name-calling.

 

[flashpoint]

This ^^^ except I wouldn't say "that made me angry". That shows reactiveness and vulnerability. It should presented more as a principle, that you do not accept or tolerate name-calling.

good catch. actually my mistake as well since one of the core principles of this system is supposed to be assuming full responsibility of your emotions and getting rid of the idea that anyone can do anything do you in this area or vice versa.

it is really important to realize that you cant control others feelings and they cant control yours. you got all the power to make a change. and you can do that once you are clear about this and what is going on with you so you can set boundaries and define what you need. and ask for it (verbally and otherwise).

and although it is named nonviolent communication this is not an emo thing or something that is only for sissies. quite the contrary. in my experience once a woman sees that you can stay in control of yourself without becoming all tangled up in that and passive, but be clear and initiate change, she will look at you very differently. in a positive way. and you can talk about your feelings without becoming all emotional. plus you are not judgmental about her feelings and that will be very appreciated and work in your favor too.

bottom line: you show that you can handle your sh!t and that itself will make you more attractive because women will start to think you can handle theirs too or at least help them doing so. more importantly she will feel save with you.

so i really recommend to check this out and give it a try for a little bit. usually the protocol follows: this has happened (or this is what i see, hear ...) - this is how i feel (about it) - this is what i need - this is what i want (from you to do).

 

[sighsigh]

Very bad sign. If she is disrespecting you by calling you names like 'idiot' then her interest level is declining.

You can firmly tell her not to call you idiot (in fact you should, since taking disrespect lying down will show you are weak), but don't tell her you were hurt by her words. You shouldn't care enough about her to be hurt by her. Telling her will only imply neediness. You show you don't tolerate her behavior by going NC and going after other girls. If she has any interest in you she will sense she did something wrong and might even end up apologizing herself.