Opinions as to what this meant

[MotownMack]

This really isn't a big deal to me, and it's border line whether or not it's discussion worthy, but I found it odd, and wanted to see what you guys thought about it.

There was this woman I met online a maybe a month ago who was a good 10 years older than me. She looked really good for her age and was seemed really nice after we started chatting, so I agreed to meet her for dinner.

The date wasn't bad. Lasted about 4 hours, had some drinks, ate, decent conversation. We made out in the parking lot a little, and I got aggressive and suggested we go to her place. She said she "wasn't ready to go there" and I said it was cool. We made out a little longer, and then both took off. I wouldn't say there was fireworks on either side, but I would have went out with her again. I'd give the date a 7 out of 10.

The conversation cooled the next few days, and I got the feeling I was getting the easy let down (in fact it we never actually talked again, just some texting and sometimes when I saw her online she message me- I really never initiated, and have been trying to get away from that type of communication per the recommendation of DJ's on this forum). For the those of you who have online dated, this is nothing new. Big build up, then the date, then things slow down. A lot of the conversation was making me feel like she was looking for really innocuous and boring things to talk about, as if she was trying to NOT totally ignore me, but not showing a lot of interest (a tactic that lot of people also use). So, I reciprocated with the same attitude, not expressing a whole lot of interest, and kind of blowing her off. Like I said, I would have went out with her again, but I was not feeling nor was I giving her the impression that I was over here worrying about where things were going.

Within a few days after the date, all contact pretty much ceased, as expected. The incident was pretty much removed from my mind. From time to time, she would ocassionally IM on yahoo with some boring crap, which I was starting to get tired of, but responded in the interest of politeness.

Fast foward to today (I'd say it's been at least a week or two with zero contact), where she says hello to me me on yahoo. Again, not much by way of content, but she is more talkative than usual. Then comes the part I thought was strange. She asks me if I want to see some new pictures of her, which I thought was odd, since I had met her in person. They were just plain old pictures she had taken with her cell phone, nothing special at all (i.e. no real reason I would see her wanting to show me them-not her in fancy ****tail dress or all decked out-just her in front of the mirror). In fact, one of them I had already seen.

She makes some comment like "Actually, one of those you already saw, but I just wanted to remind you."

Does that strike anyone else as an odd thing to say/do?

I teasingly made some comment to the effect of "whatever, remind me my a$$, you're being a little c0cktease" to which she laughed and that was pretty much the end of the conversation-I told her I had to leave for the gym.

I am usually pretty good at reading situations, so when contact originally faded, I was not all that surprised and didn't really expect to hear from her ever again.

Is she showing re-newed interest in me? Or could it be that she was interested in me, but my offer to go back to her place (which I admit was pretty aggressive, since we were making out in the parking lot and it was clear what my intentions were) made her think I was just out to get some and that made her cautious after that? In other words, did I activate her ASD?

Small caveat for those of you unfamiliar with online dating. I don't typically take a little first date kissing (I wouldn't call what we did hot and heavy) as necessarily meaning a very high IL. It can be, but I have had great first dates go no where after, so I just take it at face value anymore-some girls who are moderately interested or in some cases even low interest-will do a little kissing, and possibly not have it go anywhere beyond that. They are just like guys in that sense, and I know many of us have had this happen in real life dating too (i.e. not just an online thing-you meet a girl at a club, maybe hook up there or on the first date and do some kissing at the end, and still it doesn't really go anywhere)

What do you guys think?

 

[Mr. Me]

Hey Mack, I'd say that she hasn't any other embers in the flame right now and so she's going down her list to see who's around that'll entertain her for the moment.

Dinners before you've ever met them? Don't know if you care to hear it or not, but meet them first for a drink or coffee for just an hour and check them out first so you can assess them and gauge their interest, I'd say. So would many others. Saves you a ton of money over the long haul and it will also spare you from tons of bad surprises.

 

[MotownMack]

Hey Mack, I'd say that she hasn't any other embers in the flame right now and so she's going down her list to see who's around that'll entertain her for the moment.

I saw you lurking about the forum and knew would be along to offer some of your insightful advice.

This thought crossed my mind, too. The only reason I am even surprised is because I thought the interest level at the onset, at least based on her behavior afterward, was even too low for this. In fact, I'd go so far as to say as what you described here is the best possible scenario, if it's even that. That she's feeling lonely or out of options, and is kicking the tires a little.

Dinners before you've ever met them? Don't know if you care to hear it or not, but meet them first for a drink or coffee for just an hour and check them out first so you can assess them and gauge their interest, I'd say. So would many others. Saves you a ton of money over the long haul and it will also spare you from tons of bad surprises.

No, you're right. A lot of people are steadfastly against anything other than a coffee meeting for the first "date" for this reason. This is constantly debated on the forums on plenty of fish (a dating site). I actually was just planning to meet her for drinks, which I would much rather do than coffee, just because I prefer that environment. But the date was going well enough to where we both decided to stay and eat. Money isn't the real issue for me, but yes, if you're dating a lot, it can be an expensive way to "test the waters" since so often the guy is expect to pay or considered a jerk if he doesn't. But it's definitely a good tip.

 

[decades]

Yes she is still interested. Don't forget this woman is 45. She made out with you in the parking lot (do middle age women make out?) on the first meet. That puts her in the "easy" category in my book. Her options in mid 40s aren't that great so you need to assume the position of the "prize". 10 years younger, you probably "are" from her vantage point. Think of all the bragging rights she will have with her GFs. But why are you dating a woman 10 years older than you? How did you guys get in touch? Tell us about your interactions with women who are younger than you.

 

[MotownMack]

but why are you dating a woman 10 years older than you? Tell us about your interactions with women who are younger than you

LOL.

I do date younger girls usually, one of the ones I am seeing now is 24 (12 years younger). I was just looking to add another plate, someone to hang out with, etc. Like I said, she could have passed for WAY younger, and gave me the impression she was kind of the freaky type-easy going, no kids, out looking to have a good time. So she got some bonus points there.

In fact, even though she normally dates younger guys, I was a little surprised this wasn't a "home run" for me. In other words, I have decent financial status, in decent shape, dress well, etc-I thought for sure she would be all over it, but that wasn't vibe I was getting after we met.

 

[decades]

she is there for the taking. you just have to risk rejection.

 

[MotownMack]

you just have to risk rejection.

I agree (as well as with your edit above, which I was surprised too to some extent, but I think she regularly gets some younger guys).

But in some sense, I am contradicting myself, because in another thread, I just wrote that youth is overrated when it comes to men. In other words, women don't tend to value it nearly as much as guys, and it can sometimes even work against you.

But you're right, it basically came down to a combination of me not being terribly interested and also not wanting to risk the rejection. Also, I believe I am usually right about detecting where there is low IL, and it's somewhat of a defense mechanism of mine that when I see or feel low IL, I don't feel the need to demonstrate higher value to her by asking if she wants to go out again being rejected. I like to let them wonder a little. The problem comes in if two people employ the same strategy.

Case in point: about 2 months ago I dated a 31 one year old HB7 or so, and the date was fun, but the body language was not there, IMO. That's awkward when it comes to online dating-you put up pictures that look like you, etc, and meet, and kinda get a weird vibe from the second you actually meet in person. Doesn't happen often, but it does happen. And I have learned to deal with it and have fun anyway.

Anyway, I was 99% this 31 year olds IL was low, probably based on my physical appearance. From the boobs up, I'd probably give her an 8. She needed to lose a good 20lbs, but wasn't huge or anything. So maybe she was used to dating cuter guys, I dunno. But for the hell of it, because I was fairly sure she wasn't very interested- I pretty much decided to blow her totally after the date. What do you think happened? She emailed me about 3 days later in a kidding manner asking "where is the love?"... like wtf, you totally blow me off.

Here's the amusing part. We exchanged a few small emails, and her IL never got any higher. She didn't say it, but it obviously bothered her that she felt she was rejected by me, even though she didn't want me. The end result is little different than if I had said "Hey, do you wanna go out again?" and she said no. But the fact is, keeping her in the dark about where things were-or not acting like an AFC and seeking her approval-definitely was on her mind and might have worked to intrigue her a little more and she not had a non existent IL in the first place.

 

[decades]

she took a risk by popping up again with the bs about the pictures. that's ALL you should expect from a woman. they aren't going to point blank ask you out. There are exceptions of course. You are asking way too much of her. But I don't get your thinking here. You had a good first date. You made out after it. You both kind of went NC. Then she pops up again. She popped up again because you didn't ask her out again. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't have popped back up. If she turns you down you go 100% NC on her and move on. I really think you're worried about rejection because in your initial post you said you would go out with her again. You are over thinking this.

 

[MotownMack]

If she turns you down you go 100% NC on her and move on.

If she pops up again, I will probably take your advice and move things in that direction. You made some good points, particularly about the very low likelihood that she is going to make the move. But sheesh, they gotta give you something to work with here. Most girls do, which is why I didn't/don't think she is interested. This was an open and shut case as far as I was concerned-had she not made that comment about the pictures (that was at least some form of interest), I would have never bothered with a post about this. Conversely, had she made a comment like that earlier, I would have taken it as interest and probably said hey, let's do something again.

I really think you're worried about rejection because in your initial post you said you would go out with her again.

Yeah, I am not denying this at all, and even flat out said it in one of my previous posts. I can't say as though I see a lot of long term potential, and interest level was definitely not high-I'd say moderate to maybe low.

You are over thinking this.

Well, I would have thought I was overthinking what had transpired today, but you're saying, no, you believe she is still interested. That's what I got you guys for.

 

[ketostix]

My take is she didn't think you met her sky high expectations on the date. I'm not trying to say she's not interested now, but I think she's trying to get you in a friends zone type situation so at some point you will grovel for her. Women love having guys in the friends zone situation to gratify their egos.

 

[decades]

sigh. let me try one more time. put yourself in HER shoes. After two weeks of no contact she pops up out of the blue. If she wasn't interested why would she do that? You had one date. And now you plan to wait to see if she pops up again before asking her out? What on earth do you have to lose by sending her an email saying lets get together? If she blows you off you delete her contacts and move on. Do you realize there are guys on this forum who get rejected as a matter of course because they approach every day?

 

[Mr. Me]

Maybe your "lets go to your place" was indeed too forward and that put her off (but now she's being brave and figures she'll turn you down at the last moment if she has to), and/or maybe she wasn't that into you and that's the reason why conversation got so strained.

That's what was in my mind that led to think, "well, why would she pop up now after this period of silence indicating non-interest?" On more thought: Unless she's been waiting for you to make a move and got tired of it? Have you asked her out again? I guess you could always ask her out and see what happens next, though I would think if she wanted to see you again, she'd hint at it.

But asking her out would be the Acid Test, right?

Hey, when you kissed her, you didn't yell out "HE SCORESSSSSSS!!!!" didja? That may have put a damper on it if she's not a real hockey fan. Tonsil hockey, that is.

Good God, did I really write that?

A lot of people are steadfastly against anything other than a coffee meeting for the first "date" for this reason. This is constantly debated on the forums on plenty of fish

Oh yeah, those losers. What a negative sack of crap those people are! "Plenty Offish" is what they are.

 

[thedeparted]

She's totally available. Take it if you want it. Just plan a date that ends up back at your place. That simple.

 

[jophil28]

She sent you her photos .Which is womanstuff for - "Look at me. See what i have for ya. Come and get it "
This her way of attempting to trigger your interest AGAIN.

Ask her out and like PE said, if she declines, cut her out of the herd.
She may just be an AW after all. Who knows .

 

[ketostix]

She sent you her photos .Which is womanstuff for - "Look at me. See what i have for ya. Come and get it "
This her way of attempting to trigger your interest AGAIN.

Ask her out and like PE said, if she declines, cut her out of the herd.
She may just be an AW after all. Who knows .

That's what I'm saying though. I bet if he asks her to get together again she won't give him a direct answer. She wants to have an ego-inflating friend zoned guy. Ask her out again and see what she does, I could be wrong.