Opinion appriciated. Bad news for my job, situation with g.f.

[Duracell_Bunny]

Hey guys,

Just found out this morning that my income will have to be dramatically decreased (I have a percentage in the business) due to cash flow issues. I've worked out the cost of my essential spending will roughly break-even, after giving up the gym, satalite TV, going out etc.

The only catch is, I have to holidays booked for next year. One with my g/f, her parents have actually paid for me but spending money will be big (I also think its in order to give them something back as a thank you). The second I really don't want to miss out on is a lads holiday - these are with all of my closer buddies, it has taken us years to all get together like this and we may not get this chance again.

Personally, I would miss out on the holiday with my g.f and her family and go with the lads (as it would also be cheaper) but... that would go down amazingly well with my girl.

The other option I have is a biggie, is that my g/f moves in with me. We've been together for over a year and she never shuts the hell up about getting a morgage together. She has mentioned moving into my place and contributing towards household bills to help me save.

Im approaching 27, which I still consider young and I'm not ready for that commitment of having a lifetime morgage, although even in theory her moving into my place would be temproary we all know the only way to keep it temporary would be to end the relationship with her at a later point.


This is a really tricky situation, theres no way I'm giving up the lads holiday (these are all like lifetime buddies) but that would mean ending things completely with my g/f if I were to go that route of not attending the holiday her parents have paid for.

Either way I don't think it would go down to will if tell her "hey sure, move in with me, but I don't want to commit to a mortgage just yet".

Apologies for any typos, keyed this out a bit quickly.

Just to add I know this whole post sounds very selfish, but its all down to being young and not wanting to regret anything later in life.

 

[EFFORT]

For the trip situation.

What date exactly is the trip with g/f and the family booked for? How much do you estimate you'll need to spend on the trip?

What date exactly is the trip with the lads? How much do you estimate the entire thing will cost?


Moving in together would most likely be a big mistake. Given your financial situation, the last thing you want to do is involve another party in it let alone one that your having a romantic relationship with. Living together is a huge change by itself, but add money woes to the equation and things can get ugly fast. This is stress you don't need in your life and definitely won't help you get your finances back on track.

 

[Duracell_Bunny]

I would say £1k for each holiday, easter and Early August. The lads one is more flexible as this is fairly cheap for the package, although it would be a stupid idea to go there and not drink much.

I have some reserve funds, but that ties back with buying christmas gifts (where I would have had an annual bonus).

The holiday with the g.f is for two weeks over easter. The cost comes from having to pay for the activities and extras. Her parents are paying for the flight and hotel.

If she did move in short term (she currently lives with her parents), it would not be a tie down to a motgage, she would contribute towards the utility bills that would help me save. Although doing this, the only way to get her out would be to end the relationship.

It may be the case that I would benefit from looking at a second job. Good time for temp work during weekends up to the Christmas. I get a two week break over the festive seson, I'm sure working during public holidays would be useful (other than xmas day).

I do see your point though, if I wasn't tied down financially I would be thinking about how to prevent her from moving in.

If it comes to the worse I have items of value I can sell and do without. But I'd rather have my budget balancing.

 

[perseverance]

You want to have your cake and to eat it too. The world doesn't work like that my friend.

You're going to either choose who is more important, your girlfriend or your close friends. Her moving in to help you keep the apple cart balanced so you can have the best of both worlds and two holidays is a risky move. You should only ever move in with your partner when it is what you both truly want and it has to be for the right reasons. Your reason of "her money will help me have two holidays next year" is not a good enough reason.

It's a hard situation to be in and I don't envy you.

 

[EFFORT]

The situational solution is to get a second job, sell stuff, buckle down so you can go on both trips.

The bigger issue though is summed up here by Rollo.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=185543

I know its probably not helpful for the now but something to ponder on for the future. Without being in a committed relationship you wouldn't have this issue and could spend time increasing the value on all fronts of your life without going through dilemmas like this.

I would not have her move in. You will not save money even though it seems like you might. She is in no way shape or form the solution to your financial problem but she can surely make it worse . Your better off moving to a cheaper place and just rebuilding over having her move in with you.

 

[Duracell_Bunny]

Ok well, on Friday evening she came over, she pinned me down over this issue. I explained I was unsure and it doesn't feel right as its based around money - she didn't take that too well and threatened to spend the night in her own bed.

Meanwhile, one of my friends was calling me asking to meet for a couple of drinks to meet his new g/f. My g/f eventually settled then we had one of those cuddley make up moments. She insisted on driving me into town so I could go for a drink with my friend, then she stayed up late so she could pick me up.

Over the weekend I had loads of general things on my list I wanted to do, involving general housekeeping tasks and clearing out garden etc. She was all insisting on helping out, I thanked her at the end of the weekend and shes all "its ok, I actually enjoyed it".

Anyway - since last night its getting messy. She has Facebooked my friend who I was with Friday, asking him that they should go bowling/food etc to meet his new g/f (I feel offended with the fact she is trying to organise this without my consent). She called me as she normally does in the evening, then moments later after ending the conversion got this text: "You didn't want to talk much!". Kind of baffled me, I was feeling a bit drained as its crazy at work and sent a quick text later in the evening explaining that and went to sleep.

I had got all my things ready for today so I turned off my phone, took an early night and didn't need to worry about sorting anything out other than my breakfast when I woke.

Turned my phone on just before leaving to work to find these texts:

Recieved late last night:
"Well when I rang you didn't seem that interested to talk to me!!! Do you think we need some time apart!????"

"Not that I want to spend less time with you but I just feel like at the minute with your work etc maybe not having me round bugging you my help a little!! I love you loads and loads and I dont wanna drift apart from you ever but I feel your time/brain at the minute is on work mode and maybe not so much on me!!! Maybe if I took a step back that might help!"


Recieved early this morning:
"Got myself all upset about me and you :-( "

"I love you so much xxxxxxx"



I soon as I read them words "Do you think we need time apart?" I've been instantly asuming this relationship is over - personaly I don't agree with taking breaks anyway as all this does is give the woman an opertunity to go shopping.

But what gets me is all the info I've read in the past on this site has always asumed being needy triggers the woman wanting a break. This has not been the situation, I have not always been available and she is always innitiating contact when were not together - and this has increased to the point were it can be annoying at times. It is the woman who is being needy/too available.

If the end is here, fair play - the timing is just right allowing me to focus 100% on work up to Christmas. But this is a very high quality girlfriend, its just that throughout our time together she always wants to have the relationship a notch higher than I am ready for.

The biggest thing that made me think is what me and my friend realized on Friday - if I really did like her I wouldn't have thought twice about her moving in.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Dont move in with her, times not good for mortgage and shes being a little too controlling right now. One thing is living together, another is playing house with a mortgage after a year together.

Ditch the parents trip your budget doesnt allow.

Go with the buds tell her you have some kind of financial commitment to the trip and dont want to waste the money.. your time is money BTW

 

[Duracell_Bunny]

@SgtSplacker Thanks for your input, the situation has changed since the title of the thread and she knows I do not want her moving in.

Regarding the texts from her earlier, I have lightly repsonded saying that if she genuinely wants to have a break, we should break up.

 

[EFFORT]

If the end is here, fair play - the timing is just right allowing me to focus 100% on work up to Christmas.

Yes, very good timing to free up more time and energy for you.

But this is a very high quality girlfriend

Read over the Rollo post I linked above. Imagine how much higher quality of girlfriends you'll have in the future after really actualizing yourself in your finances, health, inter personal skills and having a lot more life experience.

its just that throughout our time together she always wants to have the relationship a notch higher than I am ready for.

Yeah shes probably too close in age to you for where you are in life, so she will always want something that you can't give her. Its not her fault for wanting it and not your fault for not being able to give it. You both are just in two different places.

The biggest thing that made me think is what me and my friend realized on Friday - if I really did like her I wouldn't have thought twice about her moving in.

Even if you really liked her it still would be a bad idea to have her move in. Read over this post to drive it in. No moving in with women and/or women commitments at our age. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=185543

 

[runner83]

Even if you really liked her it still would be a bad idea to have her move in. Read over this post to drive it in. No moving in with women and/or women commitments at our age. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=185543

Agreed x 2 from personal experience.


I recommend not moving in with a chick or having her move in with you until you are at least 30, especially if you are unsure, as you seem to be.