Open marriage struggle ...

[PlatinGod]

Hey guys,

this is somewhat a special problem. Iam not a native speaker but iam posting here because
i think my wife could find threads in my language.
Iam 38, wifey 34, we are married for 12 years ( 16 years together ) and have kids 8 and 6.

We had an off-/on open relationship ( the relationship was steady but we weren't always exclusive ). Since the kids were born we haven't really done anything with other partners. We had three rules 1) condoms 2) not friends 3) no hookers.

The kids did visit the grandparents for a week and we decided that each of us gets one free pass to play around a bit. She went out on a saturday and told me she will find herself someone to play with. I know a lot of guys are hitting on her so i knew she will get laid tonight. So i called up a attractive former female coworker of mine who just went trough a divorce and had my fun with her.

To give u a little side information: the former female coworker stopped working at my company ( very successful IT-Company ) because there is one guy ( he's actually a boss and the son of one of the company owners. ) who's a complete douchbag. If i had to compare him with someone id compare him with Joffrey Baratheon from game of thrones or T-Bag from prison break.
I get usually along very well with other people but this guy and i have a history of hate towards each other. Nobody likes the dude. Even his father and the other owners side with me. I often call the guy out and dont take **** from him. Thats why he's especially after harassing ( or trying at least ) me i guess. Lately ( last 2 years ) we kind of avoided each other. I also got promoted a couple times and now we are in the same hierarchy.

So back to my problem:
I get home and my wife is already there smiling. We chat a bit but nothing to serious. I don't really like to get too much information and as long as she protected iam fine. I get back to work next monday and right from the start i get a different vibe from this Joffrey dude. He's smiling at me in a conference we have together. He makes some stupid comments later at a coffee break about me in front of others. I was like: "did u finally find ur confidence back to speak to me?" he just smiled and said "i dont know. I kind of think we both share so many interests and other things." It went back and forth and it keep being like that for the whole week.

At friday i "complain" or more like talk to to my wife about his behavior change when she suddenly starts to blush. She didn't even have to tell me. I knew it right from the look on her face. She ****ing slept with this dude. I kinda lost it right there. She obviously knew this dude from what i told her. She even met him a few times before. I was so ****ing angry i actually hit a whole in the wall.

Even though we have talked about this over and over i still feel so much grief. I feel humiliated. My wife knew how much i hate that dude. The guy doesn't know about our arrangement. He basically thinks he got my wife to cheat on me with him. In her words he "wasn't all that bad but nice and fun". I can't believe it. Its not like they just met and he could run whole lot of game on her. She knew even that other people despise him. What is this all about? I feel hurt and angry and i dont know how to react next time when i see this dude. I dont even know about my wife anymore. Did she do it on intention? Has it something to do with me? Iam lost. I feel hate towards here since then and i called work and took off for a week. Right know i discussed all this with my two closest friends and my brother and they basically tell me to quit the job. I like the job because it pays very! well and usually everybody but Joffrey is cool and genuine. But know iam thinking about leaving and finding something else. Dont know how to sort things out with my wife. Why do other women see this dude and put him on mental ignore list and she ****s with him right away? He's not even good looking. Whats is all this ****...

edit: yeah and with talking to my wife i also got details. They met in a bar. She gave him a ******* in his car and then they went to his appartment and had sex. He wanted her number but she told him this is just a one time thing, took a cab and left.

 

[Von]

If he was out of reach.... why she went for him ?

Also, how he knows she's your wife ?

It's the danger of ''open-relationships'' but you have to find a way to put it under a rug and move on.

 

[LiveFreeX]

so much fail...I can't even comment on this properly. run away leave your (maybe) kids behind. You are a cuck and I feel sorry for you but at the same time detest the very fiber of your being for allowing your 'open marriage' to exist.

We had three rules 1) condoms 2) not friends 3) no hookers.

Who made these bs rules? Her obviously. You are the b1tch in this relationship.

Lets just get one thing straight, your wife has no respect for you, and permitting this open relationship abomination to exist, I haven't either. I would DNA test each one of your children and then get a divorce ASAP, no fvk that...too official. Just go out for milk and never return, fake your death if you have to but your children should never know what you and your wife have done.

 

[Bible_Belt]

OP is on the wrong web site for this story.

It would be kinda funny to take the guy aside at work, with a deathly somber tone, and tell him he needs to go get tested for STDs right away. That would certainly shut him up. Condoms don't really work for HSV and HPV, because they are spread by skin to skin contact.

Even though the guy isn't your friend, your wife did break at least the spirit of the "no friends" rule. It would be like if you fvcked her sister. That's not exactly a friend, but the spirit of the rule would apply.

 

[BeExcellent]

You are angry less about the sex she had than how it affects your power position at the office. That is the source of the humiliation.

Moral comments are not helpful to OP, if he and his wife have this arrangement that is their business but I agree that who she chose to sleep with breaks the spirit of the arrangement and casts the OP in a poor light at work (not good).

The question my mind keeps coming back to is why. Why did she pick this guy? Why did she want a week to play NOW since this hasn't been something on the regular since the children came along eight years ago. I hate to put this out there, but it almost seems to me as though wifey actually intended to sleep with this guy specifically and set up a situation that would allow it to happen under the auspices of the "arrangement".

I understand the whole open arrangement thing and although its not for me, it is not outside the realm for 2 consenting adults. To me this suggests that there is something more going on inside the relationship OR perhaps the work ahole has actually specifically targeted wifey to seduce in order to exert dominance over OP in the workplace.

Were I in your shoes I would take wifey to lunch or somewhere away from the kids to discuss it in great detail, no matter how it stings. You have to understand what motivated this, who instigated it and whether or not it was orchestrated if you want to regain your power in the workplace. Only once you get this information can you determine your next move in my opinion. Your wife has disgraced you. I would ask her why in a very direct way and get the answer before you decide how to deal with your marital situation.

I think saving face at the office is the higher priority but I also notice you posted here specifically to avoid her seeing your post about the situation. You do not trust your wife because you suspect as I suggested above that you were set up. There are bigger issues in the marriage than you relate here. What are they? Whatever they are it appears possible that your colleague took advantage of them to get at you. You need to regain your stature at the office and then you need to regain leadership in the home. Leaving your job or moving to another company may be exactly what the Jeofrey guy wants. Your wife may be more a pawn than you realize. You are a threat to Jeoffrey so he is trying to deal with you in whatever way he thinks will run you off.

So in my opinion your strategy needs to be discovery of how this all came about no matter how painful the information is. Your wife is your best source of information but she may still be in contact with him as well.

You take away this guy's power play by undercutting his power. I'd acknowledge that you are aware of the situation to the guy in flippant way (So you liked her eh? She was unbelieveable in bed with me last night....and just smile). You cannot let on that it affects you in any way. You remain in the power position at home because you remain the legal husband, you regain the power position at work by acknowledging and letting Jeofrey see you as unaffected. This takes away his perceived advantage.

I would not be above revealing the information to the company owners only if that is a power play you could use to your advantage. If you do this it must be done in a matter of fact way whereby you acknowledge that your wife had a moment of weakness, and that you are considering to leave her under the circumstances, whatever spin best suits you. If the owner is a morally driven guy then his son fvcking someone else's wife to drive away workplace competition will be most distasteful.

But you know the situation and you will have to ascertain the best strategy going forward. Hope it helps.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

I'm with BeExcellent and I thought this was understood:

This "one day pass" had to be arranged. What are the chances...really?!

 

[dustmuffin]

I don't understand why anyone would agree to an open marriage. She doesn't respect you. You have no self respect or you wouldn't have agreed to it. The moment my so suggested this I would dump them. No respect = no marriage.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I am not clear when you say they met a few times before. Are you saying that you previously introduced the two of them in person, a few times, therefore she absolutely knew who he was and what he looks like and that he specifically was your rival? Or did she meet up with him on her own somehow, a few times before they had sex, and she had to put together that he was the rival, you've told her about, (unless he disclosed it to her)?

If your wife knew upfront, that the man she was giving her pvssy too, was in fact your specific rival, then she consciously choose to put a knife in your heart and twist it, again, and again, and again, and for the rest of your life.

Did she know that, he, specifically, was your rival, before she met up with him a few times (the first time, the second time, the third time)? Did she know he, specifically, was your rival, before she had sex with him? Or did he reveal that level of his identity, and his relationship with you, only after he fvcked her?

At what points, EXACTLY, did she first suspect, and then clearly know, that he was indeed, your specific rival? These are super important distinctions, to clarify her level of conscious intent and maliciousness!

(In the context of an open marriage) If she truly loved you, respected you and wanted the best for you, you would have already heard 1000 apologies on how she did not know it was him, and she only found out after they had sex. Has she apologized at all? You mentioned nothing like that. That leads me to suspect she probably knew. If that is true, I can't even fathom the betrayal you feel.

If she knowingly chose to sleep with him, then she purposely intended to put a knife through your heart and your marriage and she also chose to do so in the most atrocious and painful way she could.

If that's true, it is quite likely that she's gotten her ducks lined up in a row, preparing to divorce you and this was just her icing, on the cake. I'd do an immediate asset check, and make sure money or assets are not missing. Protect yourself massively knowing that you are no longer on the same team. If she knowingly slept with him, despite your shock, lawyer up asap and protect yourself because this woman is heartless and is likely plotting to take everything she possibly can from you.

Words fail to convey my sympathy for you and your kids.

 

[BeExcellent]

As for your work issues, I would not take the week off. If you do the other dude wins. I'd go to the office and deal with it head on. Otherwise you become more ridiculous not less.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

That is your dumbass fault for having an open marriage.

 

[GeniuzKhrist]

And theres my SS laugh for the day

 

[sodbuster]

She not only crossed the line, she dropped an atomic bomb on it. I think I'd probably file for Divorce. BUT get all your ducks in a row .... finances, kids DNA tested, hide some cash in the meantime,{cash is hard for a judge to give to her, if he can't find it. Maybe go out drinking-not really, but it gives you an excuse to be short on money while you hide it} get the best lawyer possible and find out what the Divorce laws are there.....

She can act embarrassed, but that was a calculated move showing a total lack of respect. Once the respect is gone, so is the marriage......

NEVER have an open relationship with a woman, their lack of calculation always leads to stupid.....

 

[CMNILS87]

\FACEPALM. Hit enter on your keyboard a few hundred times.

1. Open marriage is bad for women. You give a woman your resources and still let her **** other guys? Are you out of your god damn mind?

2.The problem here is she knows that you hate the bastard, yet her little brain is like, "of all guys which would be the most firbidden pleasure"? Yep that guy. Any woman that would do that is a capital C**T.

 

[LiveFreeX]

Moral comments are not helpful to OP

Immoral comments don't help children. It would be one thing if they were divorced and it was understood that they were not together (even this does irreparable damage to children) but the fact that you are teaching your children that this behavior is OK, is going to make your future son and daughter, a cuck and feminist t(f)ag team.
For anyone that condones this behavior, I hope you don't have kids. Lot of feminists on this forum now.... getting to be more than a little unsettling, that more people are finding this type of sh1t 'acceptable'. When MEN no longer possess a moral compass, we are close to critical mass. I give the Western world 5 years before serious societal collapse.

 

[Desdinova]

I knew it right from the look on her face. She ****ing slept with this dude. I kinda lost it right there. She obviously knew this dude from what i told her. She even met him a few times before. I was so ****ing angry i actually hit a whole in the wall.

And THIS is why an open marriage is a bad idea. The person who cares the most is going to get hurt the most.

I understand a man's need for a mistress. I understand cheating. I understand one night stands. I understand the reasons for getting a hooker. But I will NEVER understand why a couple needs to stay together when they don't plan on being exclusive with each other. There are no reasons for it. The children don't validate it because they can thrive when the parents separate.

You brought this 5hit upon yourself because you agreed to an open marriage. If you don't like the consequences of having an open marriage, then get the fvck out of it.

 

[CuddleJunkie]

And this is why the Femenine Imperative is a thing. I want to laugh, I can't, I just feel disgust. Betas like you are responsable for the decay of our once great civilization. When Ahmed calls on your door to make sure you are praying 5 times a day OR when a non-binary being calls on your door to make sure you're paying 90% of your salary for being a privileged ****lord; remember that YOU made that happen.

 

[Weaver]

What is this all about?

She's a ***** and you're a wimp.

 

[Colossus]

As for "breaking the spirit" of the rule, you guys already both did that when you got married yet after that broke the spirit of that rule by continuing to fvck other people.

You have nobody to blame but yourself for this situation. What did you think was going to happen after agreeing to an open marriage, a happy ending?

^^Couldnt have said it better.

Completely beyond me why any man would let other men fvck his wife.

Reminds me of a story:

Before I met my wife I was in an LTR with this chick for a year and a half. I broke up with her...it was a long time coming. Fast forward about 3 months. I was in a really bad spot in life. I just lost my job, all my friends from grad school had moved away, and my family was 2,000 miles away. I was alone, depressed, and desperate. So I texted the ex. A few days later we ended up hooking up. She tells me after the fact that she had sucked another dude's d!ck (and more I'm sure) and was still actively involved with him. I was so hurt and angry. Like beside myself with anger....how could she not tell me that first?!?

Well, once it all blew over I realized I brought that on myself. I asked for it. What did I expect?? For her to abide by some code of decency after I broke up with her 3 months ago?? I was in a bad spot and my judgment wasn't sound. I got over it, for sure. But YOU gave your wife and the mother of your children permission to fvck other men. And boy, did she ever. Now you have to live with her.

Dont expect any sympathy from SoSuave.

 

[Epimanes]

You opened the can of worms.... It doesn't reseal.. Good luck.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Desvinoda,
This poor Man is in one nasty situation,he has miscued,made some grave mistakes and yeah had a share of bad luck,but as an invigilator how can you let Live Free X get away with his demeaning,insulting and judgemental comments?...he seems to have transgressed every standard of decency towards a DJ Brother in distress...Well if you Guys put up with this,then remind me not to ask for your help should ever I be in Trouble!