OOPS Now I did it.. is there any way out of this mess?

[markrt69]

I'm here because I made a huge BLUNDER! It goes like this:

I have been seeing a 39 year old In another state. We have known each other for a year, but in the last 6 months things have gotten much more serious with us.

I work in the medical field and I travel the country. I Get 3 month assignments, to fill in for staff relief. I do this because it is very lucrative, and I can often work it to my advantage ( IE take a assignment near her etc.)

Well, her and I had some huge arguments lately, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. During one argument I let my mouth run away with me, and she took it literally and now uses that against me. I was so frustrated at the time. I simply said " You make me wanna just kill myself"!!! I didn't mean it, it was a expression of how angry and frustrated i was. In fact the next day, was Saturday, and i just wanted some time without having to deal with things so, I took my phone off the hook for the whole weekend. ( Not really thinking she would think I did something! ) Crap! Well, so she turned to a guy friend of hers, and cried all over his shoulders about me. She was truly worried I know.

Well so now he was in the mix. He took a immediate dislike to me, thinking i had done that on purpose ( I really just didn't even think). He goaded her, and reasoned her into believing she should dump me. She half azz did. Then over time things got better for us. I was taking a Job near her, and she was looking so forward to that. All I was waiting on was my license to practice in that state, and I'd be there.

Well, at the last minute the company I worked for pulled the plug on that assignment, saying they didn't need anyone there after all!!! Yet i had been telling here ASSURING her I would be there soon. They gave me a chance at another assignment which i had to take because I need to have a income. I couldn't just sit and wait. I had to make a hard choice.

Here's where it all get very sticky. Her and i were talking on the phone, as I was preparing to go to the new assignment. She asked me when i was coming, and chided me saying I DON"T EVEN BELIEVE YOU ARE COMING!! Well, I knew if i said i wasn't, that would mean she would run to this other guy who hates me, and of course he would brainwash her, and reason her into just giving up. So I knew that admitting I wasn't coming would be the end of things for her and I. What I needed, was a way out of this mess. So before i really thought about consequences, i told her i was leaving to come to where she was tomorrow. Huge mistake. It kept this other guy from getting involved, but it was lieing to her. And she hates Liars ( as do I). So a week passed and she is now ignoring my phone calls some of the time, sometimes she doesn't. Her beef with me is... you guessed it, if I have been out there for a week already why haven't I come to see her yet? If I love her so much why haven't I taken her out?

Well after some thinking I figured, sure i could fly out there, and go see her, and pretend all is fine. But i know that tactic would only buy a little more time. She is going to find out i am not there. She honestly doesn't know YET.

My question is this.. Its a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. I really love her, and she told me just yesterday how important i am to her. If I go to her and just come clean like I want to do, she will run to her friend ( I don't want that) and she will be instantly pizzed and hang up before i can even finish explaining. If I continue on as I am, she is going to find out too. In which case, she will probably just move on and ignore me and not even talk to me. So all because of a argument + a well meaning friend of hers + the bad luck of not getting sent there = I'm screwed!

How do i straighten this all out, yet retain a chance to show her why I did what i did... I lied to not have to eat crow and guess what? I am eating crow anyway. There is a way to do everything. How can I straighten this out, and keep it all from derailing? I thought about just emailing her, and explaining, and in the closing part of the email tell her its her choice... contact me if you can get past this and you love me that much, or if I don't hear from you again, I'll know why..... Whatever i do next.... there is no room for error if i want a shot at her and i still being together by the end of this week? Any advice besides Next?

 

[libre]

Ah ah ah ! I can't help you and I can't help it, but you sure have made my day!

You're done for dude. Whatever got hold of you to put yourself in that mess? You lied while you couldn't possibly find a way out of this. What is your IQ by the way?

The only thing that I can think that could help you is that you should go to her with your cap in your hand and come clean with her. How about begging and groveling for forgiveness?

That is a very good one today! I'll go to sleep with a smile on my face thanks to you!

 

[markrt69]

Glad I could make your day libre!

Its one of those stupid things that happens so fast... you blurt something out, and your screwed.

I have been thinking about it all, and i may have a solutiion:

The best Defense is a good Offense.

For sure it is going to be unpleasant, but so is any alternative.

I may just stand a chance, by letting her little chump friend be my savior. Yes thats right.

He is the jackazz that made the mountain out of the molehill in the first little blunder. I'm gonna dog on him.

So what will that do? I know it will probably cause a huge fight. Trick is to not get to entrenched, yet be very pizzed at her. she will defend him "cuz he cares". I need to tell her, I don't appreciate her running to others with our problems, and stand up to her about it. Be really pizzed. let her start to defend her actions, and then tell her, I can't even talk to you right now! And then hang up.

Then don't call for a few days. No doubt in my mind she will be pizzed to.. but then wish i would call.

When i do call, let it be a couple weeks later. Then tell her this: "look, i came out there for you, but you just couldn't understand I went out of my way to be with you. You couldn't understand NOTHING! Then explain to her that I left my assignment to take a diffrent one ( IE where I really am) to get AWAY from her and her tempermental attiude, and BS friends!

Which puts me where i really am. Then slowly, over the next week or two call say 3 times a week and steadily increase back to where we were at. At some point, either things will be ok or they won't. If she truly is worth it, she will be asking me to come back out. So I do. Meanwhile i come across as someone that isn't gonna take any crap off her, I address the running to her friend thing, and She risks losing me all in one felt swoop. And if it backfires? Am I really any worse off, then if I go to her, and say I lied in the first place? That would be romantic suicide. This is risky, but seems like my best bet , unless anyone else has a better Idea. Make it her fault, I LEAVE, and let her do some repenting. At least if i do wind up with her, she will not take me for granted either. She will feel like she barely saved the relationship! LOL.

 

[markrt69]

There is another alternative.

Tell her what I did. Then tell her why. If she won't listen and hangs up, then write it in a letter and mail it. If she is ANY kind of a understanding human being, then she will be mad, but we will be ok. If not then Start getting over the oneitis, as soon as possible.

Really would like to salvage things somehow...

 

[bp1974]

If you want this thing to have any chance of surviving, tell her the truth.

And while you're at it, try not to blurt out lies when you can't think of anything else to say, or you'll be back in a similar mess soon enough.

 

[markrt69]

So I should just call her up, and say, hey, want to tell you something. The other day when we were arguing and you asked if I was coming there or not, well, I said I was but really, ( sound of her hanging up).

The whole deal has been about sometimes LIFE doesn't go the way anyone wants it to. and then she runs to her "friends" who don't even know me, and promptly crucify me. See, When things are going good for us, she ignores these same friends, so they take every shot at splitting us up.

Incidentally when this happened it was a surprise to me too. I was put on the spot. If I said no, i am not coming, I would have told the truth, but she would have rubbed in my face that she needs a full time BF, not a part timer. Then she would have run to her friends for the rest of the crucifixation. By saying yes i am on my way, It prevented that, but now there is the fact that is a lie. Which will lead to the same end. So really it is and was a no win situation.
Should have just fessed up in the beginning and made the end swift.
At least I wouldn't have this nagging at me.
I just can't help but think there has to be some other alternative other than go to her and say yup, ya got me. There has to be some way to turn it around a bit, like i said in my earlier post, and turn this into a positive.

On second thought, a woman that you have to deal with this way...is playing gmaes of her own. If I couldn't come out, i should have been able to feel relaxed about telling her so, and knowing she would understand.

 

[NewMan]

Nothing personal.

But you are an idiot.

and i just wanted some time without having to deal with things so, I took my phone off the hook for the whole weekend. ( Not really thinking she would think I did something! )

You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew that she would call you - you knew she would wonder where you were etc. etc. you WANTED her to wonder - you just didn't think she would run to another guy.

Which by the way is a serious problem.

That's a big whole in your relationship. As soon as she is running to another GUY to cry on HIS sholders - there is a problem.

Well, I knew if i said i wasn't, that would mean she would run to this other guy who hates me, and of course he would brainwash her, and reason her into just giving up. So I knew that admitting I wasn't coming would be the end of things for her and I. What I needed, was a way out of this mess. So before i really thought about consequences, i told her i was leaving to come to where she was tomorrow.

Are you for real?

This is the most stupid thing I have ever read on these boards. Seriously. You are the KING.

Are you a habitual liar? or do you just do it to sabotage relationships?

here are a few pointers:

1) If you can't tell your woman the truth - NEXT her.

2) If you are afraid your woman can be brainwashed - dump her. You are not going to be there 100% of the time.

3) if your woman run's to another man - dump her.

4) Tell the truth if you ever want a relationship with a woman.

 

[DrDope]

Lies make baby Jesus cry.

 

[Desdinova]

Tell her you had to leave shortly after you got there for an emergency assignment and apologize for not being able to see her. Yes, it's another lie, but it'll get you out of the 5hit that you're in. She should understand that you had the best intentions to go see her, but work got in the way.

As for her emotional tampon, don't worry about that 5hit. When women are truly interested in you, they won't bother listening to their friends. I dated one chick and all her friends hated me. They kept telling her to dump my ass, but she wouldn't. I had that chick under my thumb.

Also, LDRs are 5hit to get into. It's difficult to do damage control when you're not in the same town as her.

 

[markrt69]

To all of those that have answered, I will try to answer..

No I am not a habitual Liar. It was one of those things where the pressure was on, and my mind was going a million miles a minute, and the next thing I know the deed is done. For those that want to just judge and say things like Idiot, or ridicule... WHATEVER. I came here to ask for help because you guys are the best. If i was a habitual liar i wouldn't have even realized i was in deep sh@t cuz of a lie..habitual liars believe there own lies! I do not make a habit of doing that, I made a mistake, and i came here asking for a way out.

Secondly, i agree Long term relationships are 10 times toughter than ones where you are there. Its hard to know for sure what is going on sometimes because you are in a diffrent place than they are. But then on the otherhand, even if you are close to each other ( geographically) you have to trust. If you are at work they can just as easily pull stuff, same as if you were a thousand miles away.

Running to another guy is a problem. Thing is I have also heard her make comments about him. Things like he is way to fat for her, etc. She is not attracted to this guy. He is a emotional tampon for her. She treats him like one of the girls. Still, He is a hateful SOB, and doesn't like me one bit. Early on, I got in a argument with him, and made him look like crap to everyone. So he basically has a vendetta against me.

None of this solves the problem at hand tho. I think i am going to do this, I'll let you all know how it goes. I am going to just let her know the truth, but FIRST I am going to get on the topic of how he and I are always at each others throats etc, and set the stage to explain first why i did what i did, then confess. I expect her to be cold. I expect to be hung up on.
I will then re-establish contact, get to talking to her. Being open with her about things can't hurt me at this stage. Let her know, I too am bummed, because I WANTED TO BE THERE. But responsibilities got in the way. Surely she would want a man that is going to take care of his responsibilities over one, that is going to quit his job for her sake.

I can also come and see her if we are getting along well enough by the time i do all the above. I get a week off at a time, then work a week of 12's. For that matter i could go see her every other week and have a solid week to do it in. Whether I am working out there or here..I am working and cannot see her while at work anyway, right?

I can also try to make the next assignment out there. I won't mention it to her this time tho.. not until i am positive i have it. LOL.

I think it can all work out. I am gonna have to take a couple of hits over this, but if her interest level is high enough, things will get back to normal. If it isn't, well, not much anyone can do.

Next time I should just answer my own question! LOL.

 

[DonRob]

One question...

Why are you messing with a woman who drives you crazy? Sorry but that is pretty stupid IMO. Not only that, but she is a chick in another state. What you think you are going to change her??? LMAO

NEXT

 

[Ricky]

Well i know how it is

I'm still in love with a girl from another state.

Long distance is tough.

 

[markrt69]

For all those that helped thanks. I solved the problem on my own . I called her up, told her the truth, and followed that up, by telling her.."what did you expect, when you go running to this other guy, if things don't go right"! I then proceeded to tell her I would have been glad to tell her, but she involved another guy, and she was not very approachable. Also, she knows my record and she knows i am very fair and I do not make a habit out of lying.

Yes she got mad. Yes she cried and she said thats it, it's over. Yes she Hung up. I waited her out, and she called back. She said i need you to let me go... if you love me let me go. She was crying then too.

I told her, fine haul @ss, see ya! I am soooo Tired of having to deal with you. I told her as far as i am concerned, she is free! ( I do love her and didn't want this but I had a hunch).

Well, by that night she called back again. I didn't answer until the 5th time she called. I finally picked up the phone and said, what the hell is so important you keep bugging me? She said i love you.. I don't want to lose you!

I said i didn't know, that I was very confused. Not sure I love you anymore..well I do, but I can't love someone that keeps running for a emotional tampon. She then asked me if I would come out, she would help me in anyway She could. I told her, that would depend on her, but that yes I still love her. She promised to cut this other guy dead.. and she will be more open, and easier to approach. I of course know that it is easy to say those things so my guard is not down. Simply, she threw her fit, and when i said, well thats the breaks, if you wanna go then go.. she turned around 180.

All in all I think things will work out. I think both of us learned some lessons here. I think I did fine, and now her IL is back at a 9 or a 10. a long ways from the original mess i started out with, and I will never let it go that way again. Thanks to the ones that tried to help, and the ones that offered no help but only dogged me out.. glad i didn't listen to you. LOL Later!

 

[libre]

Mark

You and your girlfriend belong together. You really are funny both of you and you seem to complement yourselves.

How can you deal and endure with such a whimsy woman? I would not have the patience. But if it makes you happy, different strokes for different folks is ok with me.

Well continue to be firm with her, it seems to be the winning recipe and you do want your relationship to continue.

Good luck I think that you will have fun with that woman.