Online Dating First Email Problems

[CaptainJon]

Hi there,
I am new to the forum so dont flame me for being a n00b. i already searched the forums and found nothing really.

I am a member of various online dating sites (jdate, yahoo personals), and i find the first email to be the hardest thing to do. i had sent 10 emails out and not one got replied. granted they need to be paying members to do so, but i think its my email. i read there profile and say the usual stuff, my name, alittle about myself and comment on things on their profile and what not. but i other than that, i dont know what else to say. i think it looks good, i showed them to my friends and they agree its good too, but i am not sure why not ONE wrote back, i did see a few did at least open it, so i know they are paying members. i dont want to rant and rave here, but i am eager to get the ball rolling since i paid for this service i think i would like to get a refund!

this is a sample email i recently sent:

Hey,

My name is Jonathan. Just read your profile. You seem like a really cool person to get to know. I studied computer science in college and I graduated last may. I am working full time as a network admin for a small company near where I live so far its been ok, i think i prefer school though .

what do you like to do when you arent at school? i like to read, hang out with friends, travel, pretty much just having a good time!

well i hope to hear back from you soon,

jonathan

 

[picard]

yahoo personal , match.com and eharmony face legal action for misrepresenting the number of women on their websites. The profiles of women are fake. I don't know if the plaintiff had won financial compensation.

I advise you to avoid yahoo personal at all cost. they are really bogus.

 

[WestCoaster]

I'm getting back into online dating -- though I'd rather not -- I'd promote yourself more in your e-mail, just say you're a fun guy to hang out with . Say you liked her profile and photo.

You made a similar mistake which I did a few years ago: put career early in the message and not the fact that wanting to meet her is a higher priority for the e-mail. Focus on a few things: How you're a great guy to be with, how she appears to be a great gal to go out with, and how creative you are in the dating process. Worry about personal, career stuff for a later time ... like when you meet her.

Be more specific on what you want to do, instead of "hanging out" say I enjoy going to this certain pub, or go running or walking down by X river or lake, or biking on this trail, and you'd enjoy having her along.

You're on the right track, you just need to refine it. Good luck, internet dating isn't that great, but I'm going back on the cyber trail again.

 

[CaptainJon]

thanks for the great tips so far...
yahoo personals i heard is great, but i havent been a paying member yet just created my profile recently. as for jdate, i been on and off it for a few years now, only got one date out of it, and it was horrible.

i am a rather shy person, so i am not the type to ask a girl out in the pub so i really dont know where else to meet girls easily.

 

[Friendly Otter]

You should write something unique about you. Computer science is good, but also something unique about your off-work interests. Remember, everybody will write about hanging out with friends, reading books, travels, listening to music, and things like that - you need something more. Do you like to make little computer games on your computer? "Sometimes I make little games on my computer, or something similar - yeah, I know, I'm a nerd!" Do you paint, like unusual literature - what authors do you like? Do you obsess about order, or is your place a mess that you somehow turn into a shining utopia one hour before a date - tell her! Do you collect something? Do you like a special dish more than anything in the world? Did your friend recommend this whole online dating thing, and you'll be real grateful if you can get a reply from a nice girl so he'll know you're not a hopeless case?

Something unique, and something funny doesn't hurt.



Also, spelling and punctuation are two words to remember. If you don't bother to get the spelling and the commas and dots right in your first message to a girl, how important is she to you? ...she'll wonder.

There are also some other minor changes you could make. Let me see if I can make a few subtle suggestions. Waving my wand:

Hello/Hi,

I just read your profile, you seem like a really nice/interesting/charming person to get to know. (Something unique about her, so she'll see this isn't just your standard form that you send to every girl. "I especially like it that you..." "X sounds fun, does it take a lot of practice?" "So you X? I'm impressed! How long have you been doing it?" "I also like to X, though I have a hard time making my friends come with me." "I like it when a girl knows how to X, maybe you could give me a few lessons!" "Funny that you X, I don't think I could ever do that." "Cats/dogs are nice animals, I would like one too. What brand do you think I should get?" "So you're from X? Is it cold/hot/does it rain a lot there this time of year? Why did you move?")

My name is Jonathan, I studied computer science in college and I graduated last May. I am working full time as a network admin for a small company near where I live; so far it's been okay, though I think I prefer school.

What do you like to do when you aren't at school? I like to read, hang out with friends, travel - pretty much just having a good time! (Insert uniqueness that she can comment on.)

Well, I hope to hear back from you soon,

Jonathan

 

[CaptainJon]

Also, spelling and punctuation are two words to remember. If you don't bother to get the spelling and the commas and dots right in your first message to a girl, how important is she to you? ...she'll wonder.

Totally forgot about that. I will remember that in future emails, but any other advice not necessarily online dating, but dating in general - i am hopeless it seems, so where should I go. I am sick of the whole bar scene already, and since I already graduated from college, all I do now is work work work go home and relax and go to bed.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

From your first email I see no reason why a woman would write back to you. I'm not slamming you, just saying that your email doesn't compell a woman to take the time to respond.

You don't set yourself above the other computer geeks online nor do you even mention what drew you to her profile. Point blank, that email could be sent to any woman online who's taking classes. Yep, it sounds like a form letter. Now be truthful, you've used that same message for more than a few women, haven't 'ya?

 

[S1NN3R]

I advise you to avoid yahoo personal at all cost. they are really bogus.

And on the flip side, a good friend of mine got married this year to a guy she met on Yahoo Personals, and they are very happy together. Anything can happen.

 

[CaptainJon]

it seems like however, with each mail i send, i do get them better, but i still get nowhere...i guess i have to keep trying then...thanks for the advice

 

[downfallofdisbelief]

Never really got internet dating myself, I'd much rather meet girls in person, more likely to make a first impression that will make her attracted to you.

But your letter seems really generic and overused. You gotta give her a good reason to not categorize you with all the millions of other guys that would ask open ended questions like that. Put more energy into it, advertise something she has never seen before. Project the image that you are the one she should date. Remember, all she has to do is go look up another profile and see if theyre the man theyre looking for, so make an impact!

 

[JonSter]

Most of the women I meet are from online dating sites, mostly from Match and Yahoo. These women are 6, 7, 8, and 9s, though most of the 8s and 9s I’ve encountered have been serial daters. My problem is, when I actually meet these women in person, I put them on a pedestal and turn into an AFC, and then they turn me into their “best friend.” But that’s another story, and why I am here.

Here is what works for me with online dating sites. Rework your profile – and target it towards the specific woman you want to meet. Most guys create a profile using the “shotgun” approach and never change it. They create a profile that they think will draw in the most women. I set my criteria to exclude most women – it demonstrates that I am very selective and that the women I do talk to are special. You don’t want to put the age range “18-40.”

I always try to keep my ad current. If it’s around a holiday, I’ll mention it in my ad and it will appear like I recently placed it.

When checking the boxes of what I want in a woman, I picture "the woman of my dreams" -- yes, I know she does not exist. That means no flaws. Single, no kids, slender (not even average), lives alone, etc. Then, when I email a woman, it’s almost like she has to email me back to find out why I contacted her, because she does not fit my criteria. Remember, most of the time you’re contacting the woman first, not the other way around.

If I was targeting a specific woman, I’d read through her profile and then change one or two things in mine that she couldn’t measure up to. If she had “divorced” and “athletic/toned” in her profile, I’d put that I wanted “single” and “slender” in mine.

If you browse the guy’s ads, you can pick out the DJs. Their ads send out the message, “Don’t contact me unless you measure up.” Most of the other ads send the message, “Please pick me!” Some guys even have that as their intro.

I realize the question was about writing email, but I think your profile is even more important than the email. Most of the HBs on these dating sites get dozens of emails and “winks” each day. Many of them will read your profile (or the thumbnail info on you) and pass judgment on you before they read your email.

This is long enough, so I’ll stop now. Your mileage may vary, but this is what’s worked for me online so far.

 

[Cenotaph]

From your first email I see no reason why a woman would write back to you. I'm not slamming you, just saying that your email doesn't compell a woman to take the time to respond.

You don't set yourself above the other computer geeks online nor do you even mention what drew you to her profile. Point blank, that email could be sent to any woman online who's taking classes. Yep, it sounds like a form letter. Now be truthful, you've used that same message for more than a few women, haven't 'ya?

Fransico, like your posts on "online personals"... How do your first emails go?

 

[JPFromTally]

I'm surprised no one's asked anything about the picture you put up with your ad. If this is bad then it doesn't matter what you say in your message.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Fransico, like your posts on "online personals"... How do your first emails go?

First let me reiterate that I don't use social networks like MySpace. My success has been on actual dating sites like Match.com. Dating sites have a different dynamic than social networks. Also, I prefer paid sites over free ones. People who pay for the service are typically more interested in meeting people since they're paying for the service.

Here's the steps that I follow for the first email:

1. Read her profile thoroughly and note at least two things that she has written that you find interesting. The more unique it is to her the better. If she mentions a personal experience that is funny, embarrassing or that she is proud of make note of it, it must be important to her if she took the time to write about it.
2. Write an interesting subject line. Best bet is to use one of the two or more things to found in step one as the subject. You're writing to this woman for a reason other than her hot picture, right??? Alright, play along for my benefit, okay???!! Try your best to make it humorous and pithy. Do not use a neg-hit what-so-ever!
3. Just write three or four lines in your message body. This is where you do three things:
   1. Explain why you are writing her, what attracted you to her profile. This should expand on the subject you created in step two.
   2. Tell her briefly about yourself by explaining a characteristic or experience of yours which is similar to what attracted you to her. This is the rapport line where you establish commonality between the two of you.
   3. Let her know you are interested to getting to know her. I know, "why else would she think I am writing her??!" The fact is, this will take care of one of the sh1t tests that a lot of women give guys in general, that want to hear you say that you are interested in them. It's an ego boost to them while showing that you are confident enough to show your intentions right off the bat. THIS DOES NOT MEAN TELLING HER THAT YOU WANT TO MEASURE THE LENGTH OF THE INSIDE OF HER THROAT!

Remember, you should be able to do this in three or four line (alright, no more than five). Women get mad email online and she's more than likely going to either delete or put your email to the side if its too long.

Also, while you can use this format for several emails, do not send the exact same email to multiple women! Women aren't (very) stupid, they can usually tell a canned message. ALSO, women have their girlfriends online too. You can unknowingly contact women who know one another. This has happened to me twice, it worked itself out because I was lucky enough to catch that the women each had picture of them with their friend in their profile (duh).

This may seem like a lot of stuff to remember but after your third or fourth email you'll learn how to read profiles effectively to find subject matter, write a funny subject line and email defining your interest at about five minutes a pop. It's not really difficult and you'll be surprised that little nuances that you write about are perfect opening topics of conversation when you meet one another.

 

[Yapper]

online dating is a huge waste of time. trust me.
i made a fake female profile on craigslist, no pic or anything just real short, a while back just to test the response and you wouldn't believe the number of replies i got. it was like 24 in just the space of one hour.

your e-mail wouldn't stand out at all. did you include a picture and are you really ghood looking? otherwise it's instant trash bin as i see it. i'd omit all the rambling about school and work and just try to say something humorous and unique.

 

[ModernSavage]

Some great advice from Francisco in the post above. I've done some experimenting with online dating and though I've had some success, I find that it eats up way more time than actually going out in the field to meet people.

However, a few things I would add to tips above are:

1) Keep the first email brief and unique. The point with the first email is to only get her attention enough to reply back and get the ball rolling. It needs to be different then the literally hundreds of unoriginal emails she is already getting.

2) Give her a nickname. For instance, I once emailed a girl who said she hated hippies, so I emailed her starting with, "Dear Hippy Girl". Also, give yourself a nickname so that you will appear more unique than the hundreds of other guys emailing her. For instance, I always sign off my emails with, "Yours Truly, Zombie Boy". So when she reads this she's more likely to remember the name Zombie Boy as opposed to something like Jon Smith.

3) Always proof read your email a couple times before sending it. Use proper grammar and spelling. If your email looks like it was written by an idiot then she'll think your an idiot. If your email is intelligently written then you'll appear intelligent.

Hope this helps. If your interested, I go into more detail about my online experiment with craigslist in this post. There are some useful things in it that you could probably incorporate into your game.

Good luck.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...
3) Always proof read your email a couple times before sending it. Use proper grammar and spelling. If your email looks like it was written by an idiot then she'll think your an idiot. If your email is intelligently written then you'll appear intelligent...

^^^
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!

 

[afc_2_dj]

I agree with OP, I find it really hard to write the first mail, I think also because I want to respond with something very specific not generic.

Often I find the profiles are pretty much the same, and nothing really to comment on.

I can't say I am a huge fan, I find it very time consuming, and annoying, I would much rather get to know someone via an really conversion, so of go with the flow, whereas online you get asked stupid things like "list your likes/dislikes" and "describe your personality in point form in no more than 100 words". I can't do that, I'm not that kind of person.

I wrote back to the one b**ch who asked me to "list likes/dislikes" saying "i can't summarise myself ble bla" so she changed her profile after that to say "must know what he wants". I thought it was hilarious!! Now in response to that I write "i dislike listing my likes & dislikes"!

IMHO I feel that women on these sites are far pickier than those on the streets, plus your competition is huge, in a bar maybe 5 guys will hit on a girl, online you have hundreds of good-looking guys writing to and being search by your target. Ironically I went online to try to bypass the looks issue, that is, I can make contact without the problem IRL of no interest based on looks, but found it worse/just as bad.

I would much rather meet girls IRL, but then I can never ever think of anything to say, plus I just don't think I have a personality for working clubs, so I try to stick it out with the online thing, its better than resigning forever!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Often I find the profiles are pretty much the same, and nothing really to comment on....

Ever consider not wasting your time on women with boring profiles? I don't know, it makes me wonder what some of you guys do when sarging offline because there is little difference in technique.

 

[ladiesman217]

Regarding the subject line, when you reply often I will say RE: blah ah blah. If you put the RE: ( or whatever) in the subject it looks like you two have already talked. Also, the goal of the subject line I to get her to open you message. So add a mystery to it "this user maybe interested in you" is another great one! I always get tons of interesting comments on it.

Also, try setting up a recon profile. If you take a few photos from an attractive women, and then pair that with a different womens profile you mak your own profile. This is great for seeing all the bull that they get from guys. It literally tells you what NOT to do for a first message. But be funny with it! I've got a standard email I send and it works magic:

Hello [screen name]
Hmm, let see something profound, to get your attention...
The best way to show
That! stand out from the crowd 
Is a Haiku poem
No, that's no good...
Act with in the hour
And ill also include a 
Free scence of humor
No, no, no that's no good at all
A single white male
Dependable, low mileage
What am I? A car?
Hmm maybe some dating advice....
Always be careful
If you laugh at all his jokes
You'll end up in bed.
No, definitely not, please wait why I slap myself,
Thank you for your patience. Maybe:
I have bled my best
If you're chuckling or smiling
Message me back
If you can handle me, that is!
-[your name]


Best of luck!