Oneitis. I understand it logically/rationally, but cant seem to shake it

[Thewrestlerr]

What's up DJ's. Just wanted to get some good info about the oneitis I'm experiencing.

I (26) Started talking to some woman (31) back and fourth for months, but never really taking it super seriously, and could feel she was into me but I was not all that interested. Eventually, I gave it a shot and asked her out out of boredom/ self-amusement. Ended up kind of digging the vibe, and also kind of allowed some older peers of mine get into my head a bit about how she might be" the one", which I always knowingly believed there is no such thing. However somehow, it ended up plaguing my brain after the date, and I could tell I became a lot more reactive via text, trying to get her to come out with me again, and then even doing something as stupid as being direct about my intentions (huge AFC move), which I can now tell the power and attraction has completely shifted. I'm pulling back a lot, but I just cant seem to shake the feeling/ intrusive thoughts, even though I logically and rationally understand the concepts.

So 1st off, Id like to know what you guys think I should do in terms of the situation. I have about 2-3 other spinning plates, but I am just not all that into them, and use them mostly for the abundance mindset.

Secondly, I want to know if anyone has that same dilemma, where you can understand something logically about being a Rational Male, but struggle to integrate it on a deeper level/understanding, and what you have done to make it a part of you, not just something you know.

 

[SW15]

Id like to know what you guys think I should do in terms of the situation. I have about 2-3 other spinning plates, but I am just not all that into them, and use them mostly for the abundance mindset.

Drop your 2-3 plates that you don't interest you. It doesn't benefit you or them. Interact with women when you're attracted to them.

As for the 31 year old, you haven't provided enough detail for anyone to know if it salvageable or not. It likely isn't. In general, she's probably a waste of time due to her age.

At 26, it isn't a wise idea to commit exclusively to a 31 year old. At 26, it's better for you to focus on women 18-26.

 

[CornbreadFed]

A couple of Oneitis experiences as a novice makes sense and is just part of the learning curve. If you are dealing with an oneitis as an experienced DJ then this girl is more than likely your kryptonite. I wouldn't recommend pursuing this girl because she will just naturally always have you by the balls and juggling your head.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Been there, buddy. Even with a lot of experience I once developed a crazy crush on a girl who seemed too perfect. Obviously, she was not, and logically I knew that. I spent many days hoping for the day when either 1) she'd come around or 2) I'd lose the feelz.

All I can tell you is this too shall pass. Avoid the temptation to simp. Just treat her like an ugly girl you're not that into. I too was banging other women so it just took me some time. She was just enough of a tease to keep it "possible."

Now I look at her and think WTF was I thinking, lol. She's cool, and I have no ill will, we're friendly. Hard to believe it ever happened. You just gotta ride it out and don't add fuel to the fire in your head.

 

[Thewrestlerr]

Been there, buddy. Even with a lot of experience I once developed a crazy crush on a girl who seemed too perfect. Obviously, she was not, and logically I knew that. I spent many days hoping for the day when either 1) she'd come around or 2) I'd lose the feelz.

All I can tell you is this too shall pass. Avoid the temptation to simp. Just treat her like an ugly girl you're not that into. I too was banging other women so it just took me some time. She was just enough of a tease to keep it "possible."

Now I look at her and think WTF was I thinking, lol. She's cool, and I have no ill will, we're friendly. Hard to believe it ever happened. You just gotta ride it out and don't add fuel to the fire in your head.

solid advice man. Yeah not even really a "10", just somehow ended up idealizing who she is, not seeing things for face value. Cheers.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

My last case of Oneitis was ‘cured’ by getting on Tinder.

 

[New_Journey]

My last case of Oneitis was ‘cured’ by getting on Tinder.

I know right? Crazy that you just need to find a younger and warmer sugar walls to be cured, its like magic. I highly recommend it.

 

[Barrister]

We have all been in your position at one point or another. Despite us logically knowing the pitfalls sometimes it is hard to control the chemical releases that are happening in your brain. The best thing you can do is pump the brakes a bit and really sit back and try to look at the situation with a clear mind.

First off, she is 5 years older than you and on the other side of 30. Not a good start for an LTR -- but I have had an LTR that is older than me before. Generally, your dynamic isn't as good as she likely will tend to look at you as younger and more inexperienced. You will naturally get more testing of your frame.

To be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with trying out an LTR with her if she checks all of the boxes otherwise. Just make sure you are staying grounded and not burying your head in the sand over red flags just because you (and others) are saying she is "the one" (which of course is a complete fallacy).

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

(huge AFC move)

AFC?

I don't know, man.

I'm more of a NFC North kind of guy.

My Detroit Lions are actually a good team now...you will see us in the Superbowl next year.

 

[Harry Wilmington IDS]

Just wanted to get some good info about the oneitis I'm experiencing.
I (26) Started talking to some woman (31) back and fourth for months, but never really taking it super seriously, and could feel she was into me but I was not all that interested.

And within the first line, you gave yourself your solution. At the point you actually start caring - i.e. giving a crap - about what she thinks/feels about you, you LOSE.

Men hear that and think it means you shouldn't care about women at all. That's not what that means. It's understanding that you can like a woman and want to do good by her and find her attractive, but on their end they need to feel as though they are working to keep your attention. This gives women the impression that you have other options, and men that are liked by other women are always more appealing because (a) it's pre-selection, and (b) they know there's a risk they could lose you.

The mistake you're making now is thinking you need to suddenly "do" things to win her. You don't. Less is more, as you were experiencing before. You saying "yes" to dates and/or planning dates IS the effort. You then trying to text her all the time, talking about your feelings and thus giving her the power are not efforts you need to put forth - those things are HER job.

So 1st off, Id like to know what you guys think I should do in terms of the situation. I have about 2-3 other spinning plates, but I am just not all that into them, and use them mostly for the abundance mindset.

Stop initiating contact. That's it. Assuming there's any interest on her end, she'll reach out. It could be within a week, or a month, or 3 months. One time it took a girl 6 months to reach out to me after I stopped contacting her. Point is, stop thinking you need to "do" and let her be the one to come to you.

I want to know if anyone has that same dilemma, where you can understand something logically about being a Rational Male, but struggle to integrate it on a deeper level/understanding, and what you have done to make it a part of you, not just something you know.

Yes, we've all done it, especially at the age you're at. Contrary to popular thought, men run on emotions too - it may not feel like it, but think about the last time you texted her when part of you logically thought you needed to stay off the phone. That's emotion - it's feeling unsure of yourself and wanting someone to confirm you're worth liking.

In terms of integrating it? Honestly, practice and time. You have to commit that you're not going to do things that feel good in the moment when you know it's likely to not work and/or continue to lower her interest.

For example: I learned from these boards 20 years ago that re-confirming dates killed attraction. And I thought that was stupid and it wouldn't work. But every time I re-confirmed dates women would cancel on me, so I figured I'd have nothing to lose. The first time I set up a date and didn't re-confirm? Nerve-racking. Worrying all day that I'd hurt her feelings and she'd cancel on me. Hoping she'd even remember to show up for the date. At times, i wanted to text like I did back in the day so I'D feel good about it, but I stopped myself.

And the result? She... ended up hitting ME up to ask if we were still on!

That was mid-20's me. At 43, today me hasn't re-confirmed dates in YEARS because I have so much evidence of it working. But it doesn't start off with being able to do any of these kind of tips EASILY. You have to make a conscious decision to just DO what you're learning and know that, worst case scenario, you don't lose anymore than you'd lose doing what you're doing now, BUT the probability for gain is better based on testimony of others who have done it before you.

 

[Thewrestlerr]

And within the first line, you gave yourself your solution. At the point you actually start caring - i.e. giving a crap - about what she thinks/feels about you, you LOSE.

Men hear that and think it means you shouldn't care about women at all. That's not what that means. It's understanding that you can like a woman and want to do good by her and find her attractive, but on their end they need to feel as though they are working to keep your attention. This gives women the impression that you have other options, and men that are liked by other women are always more appealing because (a) it's pre-selection, and (b) they know there's a risk they could lose you.

The mistake you're making now is thinking you need to suddenly "do" things to win her. You don't. Less is more, as you were experiencing before. You saying "yes" to dates and/or planning dates IS the effort. You then trying to text her all the time, talking about your feelings and thus giving her the power are not efforts you need to put forth - those things are HER job.



Stop initiating contact. That's it. Assuming there's any interest on her end, she'll reach out. It could be within a week, or a month, or 3 months. One time it took a girl 6 months to reach out to me after I stopped contacting her. Point is, stop thinking you need to "do" and let her be the one to come to you.



Yes, we've all done it, especially at the age you're at. Contrary to popular thought, men run on emotions too - it may not feel like it, but think about the last time you texted her when part of you logically thought you needed to stay off the phone. That's emotion - it's feeling unsure of yourself and wanting someone to confirm you're worth liking.

In terms of integrating it? Honestly, practice and time. You have to commit that you're not going to do things that feel good in the moment when you know it's likely to not work and/or continue to lower her interest.

For example: I learned from these boards 20 years ago that re-confirming dates killed attraction. And I thought that was stupid and it wouldn't work. But every time I re-confirmed dates women would cancel on me, so I figured I'd have nothing to lose. The first time I set up a date and didn't re-confirm? Nerve-racking. Worrying all day that I'd hurt her feelings and she'd cancel on me. Hoping she'd even remember to show up for the date. At times, i wanted to text like I did back in the day so I'D feel good about it, but I stopped myself.

And the result? She... ended up hitting ME up to ask if we were still on!

That was mid-20's me. At 43, today me hasn't re-confirmed dates in YEARS because I have so much evidence of it working. But it doesn't start off with being able to do any of these kind of tips EASILY. You have to make a conscious decision to just DO what you're learning and know that, worst case scenario, you don't lose anymore than you'd lose doing what you're doing now, BUT the probability for gain is better based on testimony of others who have done it before you.

This is really deep info man. Wow. I appreciate this 10 fold, This truly is a great community here.

 

[Clockwerk50]

People who experience oneitis are often those who are unhappy, have recently suffered a misfortune, or simply have too much time on their hands, leaving them with mental space that needs to be filled. It can also stem from the idea that the other person has something they don’t, or it can also come from a lack of excitement and adventure, or just sheer boredom. Take an insightful look at yourself to confirm if you have any of these inferiorities and why it was so easy for other people to influence and persuade your thoughts so easily. There might be something hidden there…

Either way, human beings are usually perverse and only get excited when something is denied and cannot be possesses in full. By her taking a step back it may have cause something to be triggered in you.

I agree with the poster above, try to be like a child or a cat, drawing her by apparently not even trying, perhaps by maintaining a sense of indifference or seeming uninterested.

 

[jhonny9546]

I want to know if anyone has that same dilemma,

BTDT. A while ago, my girlfriend would come home, and I could feel an atmosphere that suggested "something bad could happen."


At that point, I realized that she was the one controlling the dynamic, and I was simply going along with it. Why?

1. Because I thought I had to do something good in order to receive love.
2. Because she thought I had to do something good to deserve her love.

It's actually very simple: it feels like walking on eggshells, so you might want to weigh every action you take and think about the consequences. Many people have felt like that, and still do. Just look around you. How many LTR's do you see where the man is walking on eggshells? Many! And he still won't leave her. That was me, but eventually, I understood.


I've understood that true love comes from yourself. It takes years to practice and feel the sensation, but after you learn this, you can actually recognize very quickly someone who is disrespecting you, and you won't chase them anymore. Or at least, you'll feel resistance.
Also, you'll start to develop a burning desire to met people who are genuine interested in You, and You'll be able to recognize them now, along the way.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Women are framed as the more emotive sex but sometimes when I read posts like this
I believe men a majority of the time are hell of a lot more emotional when their dealing with a chick their into

I used to do it a lot in my 20's heavily romanticising interactions with women who simply weren't interested enough to warrant it

At one point I was tangled in a very strange web with a chick in my gym , Yea there was something there between us but nothing to the level I was trying to take it too in my mind

the nonsense went on for a good couple of months with us even having a couple of training sessions together

One day I rocked up and she was there with another dude turned out she was back with her Ex boyfreind , didn't even acknowledge me

I realised at that stage the mind can be a powerful hallucinogenic even off drugs