Oneitis, and deep depression

[duckbutt]

Hello guys,

I'm new to this community, mostly been stalking threads. I figure its about time for me to make a post. I'm in severe need of help.

I'm 22 and in college, and I've had a girlfriend for a year. We took a break two months ago, because I was starting to feel that I wasn't ready to commit yet, and wanted to play the field. I still had feelings for her so I never really stopped talking to her, but the thing is, I ended up hooking up with her roommate. I know its bad.. In my head I never really though that it was too bad, maybe because I felt that I didn't like this girl at all.

Well, as it fate would have it, my ex-girlfriend found out. Things became a huge mess. We had a lot of mutual friends, and now they are all hating me, and so has she. The problem is, now I have extreme one-itis. Its gotten to the point that I would cry myself to sleep, and wake up teary eyed. And at random times during the day, I would just break down and start thinking about her. She is also now starting to talk to one of my (now ex)friends. And I found out that they have kissed. It just crushed me..

I apologize for sounding so depressing, but its just I can't see a light out of this tunnel. I feel like I don't want any other girl, and I just want her. I told her how I felt about her, and that I never stopped loving her. I even told her that I'd wait a year til she feels better just so she can give me another chance to be with her.

I'm at the lowest point in my life.. a lot less friends, and no girlfriend. I really feel like I lost the girl that I was supposed to marry. I don't know what to do anymore.. Any help and suggestions would be appreciated.

Thank you..

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

The only advice I can give you is that it's a fresh wound.

You might need a few weeks, or even a month or two to get over it. It's probably a lot of drama for you to handle - your ex, your ex's roommate, her whole social circle hating you.

The light at the end of the tunnel is this: In 3 or 4 years, you'll be sitting at a bar with some friends laughing about how you dated your ex, broke up with her, hooked up with the ex's roommate, and had a whole flock of women pissed at you.

And let's get real here, half of those angry women probably want to bang you too.

 

[Yo'Mama]

Mantis is totally right. Dude you have no perspective at the moment. Time will give that.

The truth is if you had this girl you wouldn't want her (you proved that before). It's just the situation that has transpired has got you convinced otherwise.

 

[btownbuck2012]

OP,

"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me."

You know who wrote that sh!t? Abe Lincoln. And YES, it was about a chick.

You'll be aight man. Everybody goes through it at some point.

 

[r0cky]

There are 2 identities that constitute "You". The part of you that thinks, and the part of you that recognizes that you're thinking. Depression comes from confusing yourself with your thoughts. This is false. The real you is the one that recognizes that you are thinking. The moment that you recognize these 2 are separate identities, you will wake up from your depression.
Do yourself a favor and google Eckhart Tolle.
Start with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyxmDVH6Isk

 

[ZenoB]

Remind yourself that this is the kind of thing that brings most of the guys to this forum. I know how hard it is to have your entire life seem to fall apart around you.

It is out of your control now and you have to learn how to deal with that. This Roissy article seems to sum up the one-itis thing the best for me:

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2010/09/21/curing-oneitis/

When I was in your situation, it was really, really hard to understand or believe in the advice given on here and from friends.

It sounds like you know what's really up, you're just not used to this much drama first-hand. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Once you get through this you're going to be stronger than ever. It's going to teach you some priceless life lessons.

Watching nature documentaries really helped me get my perspective back again. They remind you how insignificant this drama is in the big scheme of history and nature, and to just be thankful that you are alive and healthy and not at the bottom of the food chain.

 

[f283000]

The light at the end of the tunnel is this: In 3 or 4 years, you'll be sitting at a bar with some friends laughing about how you dated your ex, broke up with her, hooked up with the ex's roommate, and had a whole flock of women pissed at you.

Exactly! Most guys in this forum who can't even talk to women to save their lives would dream to be in a situation like this!

You not only had a gf but banged her roomate, got caught, and now got a whole bunch of women pissed at you. This is not something to cry over this is the stuff of comedy movies

This is the stuff you laugh at and talk over in the bar (like Mantis said), not cry over! You're out there banging women you're living life why are you crying? Getting into messy situations with women is what memories are made of

 

[movistar]

I know you are hurt by this and you just see the immediate need to get the girl back, and it's probably because she is now pulling away from you. And that is really all it is, you want something you can't have.

I dated this girls once that we endend up having to break up because I was moving out of town to college.... 6 months or so later she comes to visit. When it came time for her to leave, I didn't want her to. I begged and begged her to stay I thought I really wanted her. She put up a challenge said she couldn't move blah blah blah... I felt as though I wanted her to move more than anything. She got back home said she missed me and wanted to move. She moved down from California to Louisiana.. huge move.. About 2 weeks after she was there, I didn't want her there anymore....

YOU ONLY WANT HER BECAUSE IT'S A CHALLENGE TO GET HER BACK!!!

You won this round dude! Go brag to your friends!

 

[MyTeamSupreme]

I even told her that I'd wait a year til she feels better just so she can give me another chance to be with her.

I facepalmed for the first time in a while from this post...what made you say that?

 

[TheManOfSteel]

I facepalmed for the first time in a while from this post...what made you say that?

Same here. You probably killed any chance getting back with her by telling her this. At least before this you were the ahole dbag who broke up w/ her and then banged her roommate. In a twisted way girls will still go for a guy like this. You may have completely emasculated yourself with that line though. Cheer up man, give it a few weeks or months and you'll realize that you will be just fine. We've all been there (myself included) where we think we've lost "the one." What a joke that is.

 

[duckbutt]

Thanks guys. I never knew how advice from complete strangers could make me feel so much better. hahahaha especially the part about talking about it in a bar a couple years from now.

update though: I talked to her, and found out she is now currently banging my friend (wow) and I got completely crushed. The thing that hurt the most is, after she told me that, I forgave her immediately because I thought I still wanted to be with her, and that because she did this, that we are even and can start over again.

I realized that I was wrong, and she just doesn't want to be with me. Now I'm starting to think that maybe she really isn't the girl for me. I feel a little better now, but I feel like, once the nights come, I'll probably end up in depression again.

I'm trying to fill up my time with work and studies, but sometimes I just can't help it. Any more advice on what I should do from now? I like that post about the real me realizing that I'm thinking.

 

[Serg897]

Relax man. The other posters are absolutely correct that you have zero perspective right now. We've all been in this sort of situation - something that makes you feel horribly sick, and you see no possible way out.

There is a way out - its time. Now lets examine what happened here:

You broke up with HER first. You instigated this whole mess with this "break" stuff. This means you werent 100% with the relationship in the first place. Have you already forgotten the perspective you had back when this started? You were looking to have fun, and you DID by hooking up with her roomate. Great job! You did exactly what you wanted to do initially - play the field and explore other options.

But then something happened. Your emotional brain kicked in. You suddenly missed that hormonal stimulus that she gave you before and that turned you into a hopeless AFC - an emotional trainwreck with no perspective and no self control.

What is done is done. You made a choice. Now you must stick to that choice. Forget about this woman and go on with your life. Go to the gym. Take classes. Do something new. The other posters are right that this is a COMEDY situation, not something to get depressed over. As you get more women oneitis will slowly become a thing of the past.

 

[Bling]

Everyone's being nice to this dude.