One strike and out?

[young_gun]

Hey guys, I need some honest advice on something. I'm feeling really hurt, disgusted, and just confused about this girl I've been seeing.

I met this girl a little over 2 months ago - real cute, GREAT personality, great in bed, GREAT fit for me - and things have been going so well up to tonight. I took this girl out to lunch about a week after we met and we hit it off immediately. We started hanging out about twice a week, pretty soon we were having sex, calling each other a lot, etc. My heart was overflowing with emotion for this girl. I couldn't have been any happier.

Anyway, we went out to the bar tonight and she says to me "I'm not interested in anyone else right now, I want to be your girlfriend". Of course, I've been single for awhile, and I wanted to try a relationship out with her to see what could happen. I was flattered. And then she tells me a story where she wants me to "promise that I won't get mad about it."

About a month ago (we weren't exclusive or anything at this time) she went up to Canada for Fall break. Drinking age is 18 in Canada, and she ended up getting pretty wasted. Tonight she told me that while she was there, she met this guy (who I met tonight) who she ended up going to an after-hours party with and ended up "making out with him". I said "well that's fine, as long as you only made out with him that doesn't bother me. You only made out with him didn't you?" She paused for a second, and said "If I told you the truthful answer, I'm afraid it would really hurt you" (Which pretty much says to me that she f*cked him)

I want to be OK with it since she was really drunk and we weren't exclusive at the time, but my heart tells me differently. I thought about her a lot while she was gone, and then I find out that she did this. The thing that bothers me the most is that this happened about a month ago, and she has neglected to tell me about it until now. I don't want to cut contact with her, since I click so well with her and all, but I feel like this is a huge mark on her record. I'm at a huge loss right now. On one end, I want to be OK with this (we weren't exclusive so I can't really say she cheated on me) and just let it slide because we are such a great fit. But on the other end I'm just so mad about it that I just want to say "F*ck you, have a nice life." Help me out guys.

 

[ready123]

I went through the same thing with my current girlfriend. I was dating her non-exclusively during which she slept with some random guy she met through her social circle. Even though we weren't anything official, by then I'd developed feelings for her to the point where it bothered me - because as guys, we always gotta be the man, we can't come second to nobody. She regretted it and told me and when she did, I was pissed and hurt because the relationship seemed to be heading toward something good and this seemed to ruin everything.

I decided to detach myself a little and just roll with it thinking I might be able to learn something relationship-wise. My skin is so thick from past experience, I don't trip from being burnt anymore.

What something like that does is brings out a lingering insecurity inside of you. Technically she did nothing wrong because you guys weren't exclusive. But the feelings were there and if you guys had a connection, both of you probably had a sense that something like that would have the potential to ruin whatever it is you had built. So in that sense, she f'd up. It's up to the girl, if she really wants to be your girlfriend to get rid of your insecurities. It's up to you, if you think she's worth having as a girlfriend, not to dwell on the incident every chance you get.

I communicated all this to my girl - I was hurt and that if she wanted to be my girl she'd have to be totally honest with me because she made me insecure about how she would treat me in a relationship. I asked her a TON of questions I wanted to know about what happened - I asked her everything from how long they f*cked to if she went down on him to if she enjoyed it. I asked her why I wasn't in her thoughts when it happened and why she did it in the first place (alcohol is always a bullsh*t reason). I asked her how she felt about it afterwards and if there was any regret, I made her linger on it in detail. She owed it to me to tell me everything I wanted to know, especially if she wanted to be with me. eventually the insecurity went away.

anyway, it's up to her to prove to you that she's worth it. the things that bother you, like how come she didn't tell you, she should be able to give you honest answers. you don't gotta apologize for your emotions - you didn't do nothing wrong or jeopardize the connection you guys had - she did. but you guys do gotta communicate to each other about it

 

[MrMike]

(we weren't exclusive or anything at this time)

There's your key.

You weren't exclusive, it just doesn't matter.

You should never care about a girl's past sex life. You shouldn't even care about her current sex life unless you two are exclusive.

If you don't want a girl to have sex with anyone else while you're dating her, you have to communicate that.

 

[wolf116]

If you think she is worth it, there is no use making her feel bad about it.
It will only show her you will accept that behaviour even though it upset you.

I would have said,
"Well I can't really get mad at you since I did the same thing while you were away, I didn't think we were exclusive".

It's a white lie that will make the relationship run smother.

But I'm not really one to want anything serious with chicks that have drunken random party sex.

 

[KontrollerX]

"I want to be OK with it since she was really drunk and we weren't exclusive at the time, but my heart tells me differently."

The drunk thing was just a bunch of bullsh!t to soften the blow.

That and taking her sweet time to tell you all this sickens me as well.

Thats deceptive behaviour to get what she wants ie to keep you with her rather than tell you the truth upfront and let you decide right away.

Still trust your gut instinct ask yourself if you sense other than this incident she is a trustworthy person.

If you get the feeling in your heart ie your gut instinct kicks in that she is then you can let this moment go and give her a chance to prove herself as a girlfriend to you.

If you continue to get the bad vibe you will have to next her as the gut instinct never lies despite the mind trying to sabotage the results it tells you at times.

That or if you can never find peace with this situation and resolve it in your own mind you might as well next the girl for the good of you both as the relationship then would be one filled with continual suspicion and mistrust and thats not a relationship thats a self made prison.

 

[young_gun]

Thanks for your input guys. This really helped me out a lot. I had a girlfriend cheat on me in the past, and that always seemed to linger in my mind. But this is different - we weren't exclusive. If I remember correctly I made out with some other girl while she was gone anyway. So I guess I shouldn't feel too bad about it. I can tell she really wants to be with me so I should probably just let it go.

 

[j0n024]

Yes I agree with most of what everyone is saying, most women are sluts you just gotta let it go and move on with your life man. I mean my girl had sex with 5 guys before me (I know its not alot but still) did I feel bad? Yes but did I let it destroy me from the inside out? NO, I just did the same thing as ready and asked her about what they did and where and if she liked it after that I forgot about it ocassionaly I would bring it up saying "Hey isnt this where you fcked that guy?"(in a playful manner) and she would freak out saying no no im with you. Im rambling lol.
Dont let it affect you man that was the past,anyway the guy fcked her once right? How many times have you fcked her since going out? Exactly just dont let it affect you and move on but it is kinda fcked up that she took so long for her to tell you even though she wants a relationship Now.

 

[Nighthawk]

You weren't exclusive. It wouldn't bother me at all.

 

[Nexus Polaris]

I hate to say this, but women only tell you part of something. The rest will either slip out later, or you'll figure it out. Whenever a girl tells you she "made out with somebody," it means she fücked them.

I've had many experiences either being involved with women who have said these things or being friends with women who have said these things to me about the guys they were seeing. 99% of the time, they fücked them.

If you're able to get past this, cool. More power to you.

But personally, I'll never allow myself to get emotionally involved with a woman again now that I understand what they're like. They are strictly for friendship and sex. I will not "fall in love" with one ever again.

 

[jesusrules]

You weren't exclusive. It wouldn't bother me at all.

thats a good point man.:rockon:

dude just make sure she isnt going to do stuff like that now since you guys are together.

 

[MooseGod]

You can't turn a ho into a housewife. Just throwing that out there...

Have more respect for yourself than to put up with her cheating on you. Which means, dump her ASAP or keep her around and bang another chick to make up for it. I think two wrongs make a right in this case.

 

[Spinback]

Just let her know that you ain't impressed at all with what she did and that no way would you condone that behaviour in other circumstances, but you will giver her a chance to prove herself to "you" because you two were not exclusive at the time.

I'd call her on that silly drinking aswell. Simply no excuse, and she should know that you would be gone at the drop of a hat if it happened again.

Spinback.

 

[aliasguy]

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I don't think you have to be upset over her doing the other guy (and, you can BET she did f*ck him.) But, there was no commitment. She could do as she wished.

That said, the fact that she pulled it out and TOLD you about it, in close proximity to asking about exclusivity is messed up.

I'm not smart enough to know exactly how this one works, but it's some kinda game, or a "measuring device" to see what you are all about, or how far she can push you, or whatever.

Again, the ACT was ok; her TELLING you about it in those circumstances is suspect.

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[Maxtro]

If you weren't exclusive then, why does it matter? What, you can sleep with other people but she can't, before you got exclusive.

 

[Spinback]

If you weren't exclusive then, why does it matter? What, you can sleep with other people but she can't, before you got exclusive.

I can still see why he would be pi#sed here even so. And also why he would be having his doubts over this girl. Only he know's how close they were and how far on they were. I think there is a certain ethics involved within the timing with this stuff.

I.e. Couple of weeks.. 1 or 2 dates, no problem. 4 weeks.. 5-6 dates.. Then has reason to be pi#sed.

Spinback.

 

[mostwantedbabyfather]

She knew she was gonna smash hips with the other dude before she got drunk and i agree that the drinking excuse is lame. Like you said though you all were not a couple so i wouldnt pay it any mind. She atleast cared enough to tell about it when she realized she wanted to be your main squeeze. If you feel you can trust her go for it.

 

[young_gun]

I'm going to give her a chance, I can tell she feels bad about it and all. The more I think about it, the more I realize that we weren't committed and that I shouldn't make such a big deal about it. However, I still am a little upset about it, and it'll make its way into my thoughts from time to time today, probably because it's still fresh in my mind.

 

[Mr Autobahn]

You can't turn a ho into a housewife. Just throwing that out there...

A little crude but a pretty good way to say it...

And geez, I don't know whether to trust her or not. Getting drunk and then having anonymous sex rings a lot of bells for me.

Not the good kind you know.

She did come out and tell you about it. Hopefully it wasn't a test because otherwise she might be seeing the other dude behind your back if you show jealousy or get angry...

 

[BlahUgh]

I'm still wondering why she even told you in the first place. You weren't exclusive right so wtf does it matter? I think the guy above who said it might some kinda test is on to something. Unless she thought you two were sorta exclusive at the time?

 

[Alkali]

Have you had sex with other people during your "non-exclusive" period?