One on one

[Brooks]

A man has to know there will always be tests. Women are insecure and this is the best way to see his disposition in the relationship without overtly asking him, as that’s confrontational. It’s smart for women to do it this way; as he unveils his inner state. Women need to feel safe following his lead.

We can’t control what a woman will do or actions they may take in life. The tests she will throw out and how she acts; it’s out of a man’s control.
A man shows his IL and care by giving his time and attention. If he’s planning dates and continually courting the woman.. he’s interested. Pure and simple. Women know that. Words of affirmation and physical touch are all indicators that he cares also. It’s about being receptive to her when she reaches out with planning experiences that they can relish in.

If a woman is always playing mind games to the detriment of the relation, the the man needs to address these disturbances. If she is unwilling to drop the charade, he removes his time and attention. Put her on time-out. Sets a boundary that that will not fly. The man leads the relationship.

Where did you learn all this? I really like your posts. They’re clear headed and grounded in sanity. Which books or websites do you follow? Or???

Same with you @AttackFormation

 

[Brooks]

Oh no... they rescheduled for next Thursday... wtf

 

[Brooks]

I think you are doing EVERYTHING right, an getting good advice

What about her rescheduling their hangout?

@RangerMIke @flowtheory @AttackFormation @SeekerOfTheWay ?

 

[SeekerOfTheWay]

What about her rescheduling their hangout?

@RangerMIke @flowtheory @AttackFormation @SeekerOfTheWay ?

Like i said in my earlier post, she may have taken your lack of not just jealousy but interest at all in her having a date with another man, as you not being as invested in the relationship as she is. Maybe she is escalating the “test” and trying to make you jealous and keep you on alert. Maybe since you didn’t show ANY emotion or discuss it at all, she figures hey why not go out with someone who is into me.

This dude is 100% trying to be with your girl, she knows this. We aren’t oblivious. Now they have your permission to date. IMO meeting up for coffee with the opposite sex if one party is sexually or romantically attracted to the other IS a date. I have male friends and even the ones I have never expressed interest in always try once in a while. In that way, men are ruthless. He doesn’t care that she has a BF and she may have even said “hes cool with us hanging out.”

Now they have your blessing. There’s a fine line between being controlling and setting appropriate boundaries. You should have a discussion about boundaries. Would she be 100% okay with you going on a coffee meeting with a women that was into you? If not, why wouldn’t she be okay with that? It’s not about trust, it’s about respect. Maybe you two need to have a talk about mutually being non exclusive if she can’t or won’t respect boundaries. While i do agree with not reacting out of jealousy or mistrust, sometimes you do have to discuss your expectations (and hers).

There’s a great Seinfeld episode that says it well, “married women don’t have coffee [with men], they have affairs.”

How did she tell you this time? What are her reasons? How did you react?

 

[Brooks]

Like i said in my earlier post, she may have taken your lack of not just jealousy but interest at all in her having a date with another man, as you not being as invested in the relationship as she is. Maybe she is escalating the “test” and trying to make you jealous and keep you on alert. Maybe since you didn’t show ANY emotion or discuss it at all, she figures hey why not go out with someone who is into me.

This dude is 100% trying to be with your girl, she knows this. We aren’t oblivious. Now they have your permission to date. IMO meeting up for coffee with the opposite sex if one party is sexually or romantically attracted to the other IS a date. I have male friends and even the ones I have never expressed interest in always try once in a while. In that way, men are ruthless. He doesn’t care that she has a BF and she may have even said “hes cool with us hanging out.”

Now they have your blessing. There’s a fine line between being controlling and setting appropriate boundaries. You should have a discussion about boundaries. Would she be 100% okay with you going on a coffee meeting with a women that was into you? If not, why wouldn’t she be okay with that? It’s not about trust, it’s about respect. Maybe you two need to have a talk about mutually being non exclusive if she can’t or won’t respect boundaries. While i do agree with not reacting out of jealousy or mistrust, sometimes you do have to discuss your expectations (and hers).

There’s a great Seinfeld episode that says it well, “married women don’t have coffee [with men], they have affairs.”

How did she tell you this time? What are her reasons? How did you react?

Very good points. I’m still being non reactive. Haven’t said a peep. She knows how I probably feel about it since our discussion way back. There hasn’t been the correct opening for me to take the shot in engaging the topic. She has just mentioned that she bailed on the coffee date because she had school work an no time.

I found out when I saw her in person last night; she reviewed her week and then quickly mentioned they rescheduled the following week. I said nothing.
She went to wash up before bed and I looked at their texts. It’s really classic beta oribiter — not much being talked about, aside from him inviting her places, him pursuing and confirming the day of the date, etc. “Hey still good for today? ”. Then her not prioritizing him and stuff.

She’s told me she just doesn’t want to overtly shut him down. She has said she has bailed and flakes on him so he gets the hint. But he’s not. But it’s stupid that she’s even pretending to make time for him. I really don’t understand this behaviour or motivation.

We spent the day together today and I knew they had plans on Thursday. I have this upcoming Thursday off and I was going to go shopping for our trip we’re taking in the fall. She had mentioned she needed to get some water filters and such for our camping trip this upcoming weekend. So I suggested we go shopping when she’s out of class at 3pm because I’ll be out anyways. She was excited and said ‘yea that works. But that’s the day I’m suppose to see Tom. Oh well looks like I’ll have to cancel the plans again haha, and maybe he’ll get the hint or something, I dunno”; To which I didn’t say anything.

It’s clear she’s invested in me and her, but I don’t understand this guy!! It drives me nuts. No point. And she’s clearly said she just views him as a friend. Colour me confused
This effing guy just won’t give up. It must just be some weird validation for her?
And I just won’t react. And me talking about it or bringing it up just looks weak and insecure.

 

[SeekerOfTheWay]

“She’s told me she just doesn’t want to overtly shut him down.She has said she has bailed and flakes on him so he gets the hint.”

Why? She playing games and stringing him along. Most men are going to keep pursuing even if there’s just a sliver of hope. Why is keeping him around? Forget this specific guy, this behavior is part of her. If she does it to him, she is capable of doing it to you too. I would this as a red flag. Are you okay with her keeping this guy on her hook? She can say she’s not into him, but look at her actions. She isn’t pretending. They text, make plans and i can almost be certain they will meet. I think it’s up to you to point out this behavior and help her see it for what it is.

 

[Brooks]

Personally, I don't have time for these games. I would ask her "Are we exclusive or not"

If she says yes you say "tell this guy that then, and to fvck off"

If she says anything other than yes, meaning "no" or more likely she will try to spin, confuse and bait with 1000 words...……………..if she says anything but "yes" say "Thats' all I needed to know." Gotta run, good luck. Delete her number and never look back.


She is toying with you like a cat toys with an injured bird. How long will you tolerate this?

Is she toying with me though? Because when she talks about him it does sound like he’s just a guy who wants to hang out with her. But she obviously knows he has interest and that’s the issue we’re all seeing..

She’s stated multiple times she only sees this guy as a friend. Thinks he’s just a nice person.
He’s leaving the country soon too.

Maybe I should see what happens this Thursday, and then go from there. She’s bailed on this idiot multiple times so clearly she doesn’t respect him or care at all about him. He’s zero threat really. She’s only using him for validation I guess. Still weird

 

[Brooks]

If she does it to him, she is capable of doing it to you too. I would this as a red flag.

She doesn’t string me along though. She’s always been in it with me. Always receptive... Except when I was pulling the needy weak behaviour previously

 

[highSpeed]

Is she toying with me though? Because when she talks about him it does sound like he’s just a guy who wants to hang out with her. But she obviously knows he has interest and that’s the issue we’re all seeing..

She’s stated multiple times she only sees this guy as a friend. Thinks he’s just a nice person.
He’s leaving the country soon too.

Maybe I should see what happens this Thursday, and then go from there. She’s bailed on this idiot multiple times so clearly she doesn’t respect him or care at all about him. He’s zero threat really. She’s only using him for validation I guess. Still weird

Dude, seriously? Dam, I mean c'mon, don't you get it yet? Value her actions, not her words. Yep, he's a friend that she wants to hang out with one-on-one (read go on dates with).

Why do you want to continue to fight it out to stay with someone who has different values than you? Smash her occasionally? Sure, why not? Put her in an LTR/marriage? Why even consider it?

Sure, this time, maybe it actually is just a "friend" that you don't have anything to worry about. What about the next "friend" though? You know, one that she might actually be attracted to on some level but she won't admit it to you.

Make no mistake about it, she's lining up her orbiters. She keeps hanging out with guys one-on-one, eventually, there will be some kind of spark with one of them, it's a fact. Do you really want the stress of an LTR/marriage with someone who is always actively planning their exit strategy?

 

[SeekerOfTheWay]

LOL i haven’t heard that song in so long! Classic. And perfect for this thread.

 

[flowtheory]

Where did you learn all this? I really like your posts. They’re clear headed and grounded in sanity. Which books or websites do you follow? Or???

Thanks man. I’ve learned through the hellfire of failing; observations; experience. Dating is like being in a laboratory: seeing which chemical components mix best with each other for that specific case.
Corey Wayne has some good tidbits, DJ bible, some AMS, philosophy, stoicism, litereture, and a few posters with their own experience and wisdom that have resonated with me from this site - @guru1000, @Spaz, @RangerMIke, @BeExcellent, @EyeOnThePrize

I think you are doing EVERYTHING right

I would agree with this point. He should stay the track and keep doing what he’s been doing since he’s changed his way of being in this relationship. New scheduled coffee meeting or not.

as you not being as invested in the relationship as she is. Maybe she is escalating the “test” and trying to make you jealous and keep you on alert. Maybe since you didn’t show ANY emotion or discuss it at all, she figures hey why not go out with someone who is into me.

She hasn’t escalated anything. She bailed on the coffee guy, and pushed it further back. If he keeps not being emotionally reactive she will see this guy has no affect and will soon drop him. If she brings it up and wants to converse about it or do something more involved than coffee, this would be the optimal time to set a boundary with this guy and state he doesn’t like it (in a calm manner).
As long as he keeps their relationship exciting, fun, remains cool, keeps things sexual as her lover, he’s golden. All he can focus on is what he gives in abundance and how he reacts to her actions and words.

We spent the day together today and I knew they had plans on Thursday. I have this upcoming Thursday off and I was going to go shopping for our trip we’re taking in the fall. She had mentioned she needed to get some water filters and such for our camping trip this upcoming weekend. So I suggested we go shopping when she’s out of class at 3pm because I’ll be out anyways. She was excited and said ‘yea that works. But that’s the day I’m suppose to see Tom. Oh well looks like I’ll have to cancel the plans again haha, and maybe he’ll get the hint or something, I dunno”; To which I didn’t say anything.

And continue to say nothing. Only broach the topic if she asks your opinion on something about their situation. She’s overtly telling you EVERYTHING - you’ve even read her messages, and there’s nothing being untold. She could be seeing how you react. When you say nothing, it’s like playing with a dead fish for her.. no fun.. no response.. she needs to find something else that may reveal your emotions..
The guy is just a nuisance. Maybe like a puppy she doesn’t want to kick off a cliff.

If you broach the topic out of the blue, she will know it got to you. It would be exactly what she wanted. It would communicate weakness and a posed threat to your manhood.
In the previous post somewhere you said this emotionally bothered you and you would communicate your discomfort a bunch of months back. What did that do you your relationship and her attraction towards you? Nothing good. It’s what got you in to this situation in the first place!

In another previous post you stated two weeks ago you switched your behaviour and she’s been heavily testing you. But your relationship has gotten much better because you’ve altered your beta cuckhold ways. Simply; this is residual testing and you haven’t bitten yet, so stay the course of what you’re doing until this dissipates. If the new way is yeliding you a closer relationship and more fun, do that! You’re in a laboratory, remember? Figure out the right diesel of compounds and apply them.

I’m almost certain she’s unsing this guy as a safety net in case you fuuck up again, so then she would just use this guy for an emotional tampon. Something to fill space with. That’s why she pushed the meeting back a week. She’s watching you verrry closely, my friend. But you’re also doing things better. You guys came very close to breaking up. She’s just on edge emotionally. You never created safety for her before; women can’t feel safe with a highly emotional man.
Remember; you’ve JUST altered your behaviour. She’s still skeptical of your emotional control and where you’re leading things towards.

DO NOT ENGAGE. Only engage upon it, unless she opens it up. Men should never have relationship talks; let her do that. All you focus on is your sovereignty and giving through abundance. If she doesn’t nurture your giving, pull back. If she does inappropriate things, set a boundary and don’t cower on those.
She hasn’t yet done anything wrong - she’s only been texting with some guy (who she stated is friend zoned) Which she has told you everything about. It’s a grey area.

Personally, I don't have time for these games. I would ask her "Are we exclusive or not"

If she says yes you say "tell this guy that then, and to fvck off"

Don't do this. If you do, she will see your emotions spilling out of your pores.
Sorry Mauser

@Brooks since adjusting your Behavior has your relationship gotten better or worse?
Has your emotional control attracted her less or more?

Compare your current relationship with her to the one you had before all the sh!t went down.

 

[flowtheory]

Sure, this time, maybe it actually is just a "friend" that you don't have anything to worry about. What about the next "friend" though? You know, one that she might actually be attracted to on some level but she won't admit it to you.

Make no mistake about it, she's lining up her orbiters. She keeps hanging out with guys one-on-one, eventually, there will be some kind of spark with one of them, it's a fact. Do you really want the stress of an LTR/marriage with someone who is always actively planning their exit strategy?

He can’t live in fear and be on edge about every guy. Or every potential issue which hasn’t come in to existence, otherwise he will manifest what he fears and push her away. That’s all out of his control.

All he can focus on and has control over is how he operates within the relationship: what he gives and how he reacts. The creation he is manifesting. Giving through abundance; and if it isn’t being nurtured by her (her form of giving), he removes his deeply valuable time and attention; then perhaps removes himself from the union, if it comes to that.

Don’t live in fear of what may be around the corner. A KING is not a worry wart. A KING cultivates and constructs his vision of the golden kingdom he holds in his mind and brings that to fruition. For himself. Not for anyone else.
People gravitate towards a king, as he is abundant and isn’t swayed by petty issues.

Your girlfriend is trying to sway you with a petty issue to see if you’re actually strong and abundant like the KING she truly desires. That’s why women test.

 

[highSpeed]

He can’t live in fear and be on edge about every guy. Or every potential issue which hasn’t come in to existence, otherwise he will manifest what he fears and push her away. That’s all out of his control.

All he can focus on and has control over is how he operates within the relationship: what he gives and how he reacts. The creation he is manifesting. Giving through abundance; and if it isn’t being nurtured by her (her form of giving), he removes his deeply valuable time and attention; then perhaps removes himself from the union, if it comes to that.

Don’t live in fear of what may be around the corner. A KING is not a worry wart. A KING cultivates and constructs his vision of the golden kingdom he holds in his mind and brings that to fruition. For himself. Not for anyone else.
People gravitate towards a king, as he is abundant and isn’t swayed by petty issues.

Your girlfriend is trying to sway you with a petty issue to see if you’re actually strong and abundant like the KING she truly desires. That’s why women test.

Hey, no LTR, no wife, no problem my friend. Look, if he's not in a serious relationship with her, she wants to do that, so what. He's in an LTR, marriage, considering an LTR with this person, no way. If he has an emotional or financial stake in her, it's not wrong to worry, especially if she is doing things that are antithetical to the relationship. He's not vested at all in her, you're absolutely right, nothing to see here, move along. What I, and many others in this thread are discussing though, is trying to counsel him away from seeking an LTR with someone who is not worthy of that status. Women who are worth that status don't play these kinds of stupid games.

 

[flowtheory]

Hey, no LTR, no wife, no problem my friend. Look, if he's not in a serious relationship with her, she wants to do that, so what. He's in an LTR, marriage, considering an LTR with this person, no way. If he has an emotional or financial stake in her, it's not wrong to worry, especially if she is doing things that are antithetical to the relationship. He's not vested at all in her, you're absolutely right, nothing to see here, move along. What I, and many others in this thread are discussing though, is trying to counsel him away from seeking an LTR with someone who is not worthy of that status. Women who are worth that status don't play these kinds of stupid games.

By the sounds of his threads and posts, he has been weak, needy, hasn’t lead the relationship properly, and sacrificed his emotional masculine core throughout the process; probably because he hasn’t been in touch with his sovereignty.
So maybe he hasn’t been deserving of her complete attention?
The issue is with him. Not her. Women respond accordingly to how the man their with is behaving.

Sure she may seek extrinsic validation and possess self esteem issues, but until he recognizes his personal power, he won’t be able to successfully set boundaries or navigate the relationship to a safe place for both of them. Much less see that she is the the problem. If she even is. But it’s only through the adjustment of his actions will he be able to have clarity.

 

[highSpeed]

By the sounds of his threads and posts, he has been weak, needy, hasn’t lead the relationship properly, and sacrificed his emotional masculine core; probably because he hasn’t been in touch with his sovereignty.
So maybe he hasn’t been deserving of her complete attention?
The issue is with him. Not her. Women respond accordingly to how the man their with is behaving.

Look, no one is perfect, no one. In an LTR, men and women see each other at their weakest. If you're looking for reasons to behave badly, you're always going to find them. If you're always looking for an excuse to justify your behavior, you probably shouldn't be in a serious relationship, man or woman.

 

[Brooks]

By the sounds of his threads and posts, he has been weak, needy, hasn’t lead the relationship properly, and sacrificed his emotional masculine core throughout the process; probably because he hasn’t been in touch with his sovereignty.
So maybe he hasn’t been deserving of her complete attention?
The issue is with him. Not her. Women respond accordingly to how the man their with is behaving.

Sure she may seek extrinsic validation and possess self esteem issues, but until he recognizes his personal power, he won’t be able to successfully set boundaries or navigate the relationship to a safe place for both of them. Much less see that she is the the problem. If she even is. But it’s only through the adjustment of his actions will he be able to have clarity.

Yes I need to stop giving this all the energy I have given to it.

I think many posters here are right. I need to work on my self respect and start working on myself. In terms of her and me and the coffee douche... I will ignore until she asks me about my thoughts or something long those lines

 

[Brooks]

What I, and many others in this thread are discussing though, is trying to counsel him away from seeking an LTR with someone who is not worthy of that status. Women who are worth that status don't play these kinds of stupid games

But she’s maybe playing these games because I was weak.. like flow said.. I let it here.. but it is also telling of her personality.

Ugh all women do the same thing. Ffs

 

[highSpeed]

But she’s maybe playing these games because I was weak.. like flow said.. I let it here.. but it is also telling of her personality.

Ugh all women do the same thing. Ffs

Would you enter into a business relationship with a guy you constantly had to keep an eye on? Would you constantly want to worry if that person was embezzling money from the business? No, you would want a business relationship with a competent individual that you could trust.

 

[Brooks]

Would you enter into a business relationship with a guy you constantly had to keep an eye on? Would you constantly want to worry if that person was embezzling money from the business? No, you would want a business relationship with a competent individual that you could trust.

That’s a good point.
I am an attractive guy and she does always mention how women look at me or just find any reason to talk to me. She talks about this on a very regular basis. So maybe these are ways for her to have security in some ways.... as petty as it is.

I guess the only way to gauge it going forward is just to give her enough rope and see if she hangs herself? If she shows she is entertaining other men on the side even if just for validation it will be up to me to take action from there?

But thins have been going better for the last two weeks. She is more touchy, sweeter, softer, more open. No drama or emotionally draining conversations. And the only thing that changed really was where I was focusing my attention and my reactions..

 

[Brooks]

The bottom line is.....why does he think HER value is so high...……...that he has to tolerate her meeting up with another man, for ANY reason other than business? It's fvcking weak.

Damn.
Why do I give her so much value?

Probably because we have great times together. It’s easy, she’s smart, challenges my own self on deeper levels, attractive, has an honest character, good values, sweet. Those are very difficult qualities to find in a woman