On the brink of cheating

[window]

yes agree with all that. basically you want to eliminate negative drama and increase positive dram into the relationship. Here is the tricky part...in a way that is not controlling or domineering and possesive. i.e you come from a position of take it or leave it. The best and first way to deal with the negative state in a woman is with humour...agree and amplify like in the article posted above. The last resort is to firmly tell them it is unacceptable and she will be talking to an empty telephone if it continues.

 

[window]

SLickster what is your view on conflict. So when a woman brings the negative drama some say standing up to her ? arguing your point ? will spin the hamster more. So my question is does remaining in control and not getting sucked into the arguments raise interest level more. I suppose you can say no sometimes without having to get in a fight...

 

[Desdinova]

End the marriage. End it when she does the first disrespectful thing when she gets back. Make that her last chance. If she gives you trouble within ten minutes of walking in the door, tell her to get her ass back to her parents place because the marriage is over. DO NOT discuss details on why it's ending. There's no reason to discuss something that's been destroyed beyond repair. Just write the whole goddam thing off, and start fresh.

You're an unhappy miserable pile of 5hit. That's no way to live your life. Take back the control of your sex life, your home life, and your happiness. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

 

[jafyk]

Average Frustrated Chump, so in other words; you!

You answered your questions yourself; get control of the situation. Pick up some hobbies that will take you out of the house and interact with people. Do things that make you happy and dont pay attention to her BS. With time, she will notice how you changed and how you have your own life going. Talking to her wont help; it will further drive her away since she seems like she isnt ready to have a mature honest conversation and she doesn't see her behavior being wrong.

As for the cheating, all I can say is that don't do it in your own house; get a motel or her place.

ROTFL Pinhas lol, that was cold."Average Frustrated Chump, so in other words; you!" but aint that the bitter truth?
Well, to the OP since you are asking about AFC I'm guessing you are new to this site. Don't worry most of us were AFC that's what brought us here. Before I give you my response let me catch you up on a few abbreviations or short forms: DHV= demonstration of high value; DLV= demonstration of low value, LTR= Long term relationship, FB= f*ck buddy, HB= Hot babe, AMOG= Average Male Other guy,MODS= moderators, FWB= friends with benefit,LMR= last minute resistance, IMO= In my opinion. Ok these are all I can think of for now.

Now to the issue at hand. Obviously you've lost the respect and plot in this relationship. So, the question I pose to you my friend is this. Do you think this marriage is worth saving? If not proceed with divorce. Divorce will only give you the chance to start over again. In fact it is the easy route most people on here would recommend to you. However, in order for your next relationship to stand a chance you have to start at the roots of the problem. The problem now isn't even that you aren't getting laid it goes much deeper than that. If you can eliminate the deeper issues then getting laid won't even be an issue. For now if you must phuck those 2 women you know to give you some level of sanity by all means go ahead but DO NOT even attempt to start another relationship till you've received your education on this forum. The good news is that you came to the right place. The bad news is that you have a long way to go to recovery and a lot of work to do.

So, your problems are 1) Like most men you probably are misinformed about women. Some men are blinded about this because some how they luckily got married and they think that that means they've figured it out.(2) You don't have the authority you need to get what you want.(3) You don't know how attraction and seduction works.

So, my solution is that you get the education you need to get out of this mess. Now, like I said you have a long way to go. So, if you came here looking for a quick fix. You are missing the big picture and will repeat your mistakes down the road. More important than getting laid is getting this education as that also covers getting laid. First things first. Keep visiting this site and reading the materials I'm going to show you below. It's a good thing your wife is gone. Now you have time to become a new man.
Below the following resources will help you.
1) On maintaining order and authority: http://manhood101.com/principles101.pdf
2. The Book of Pook (which is located in the DJ bible. if you scroll down to the bottom left corner of your screen you will see it.) The book basically tells you that improving yourself is the most important thing. it's about you and not a woman. As a result of improving yourself women come along. it also gives you great pointers about women too.

3. Art of seduction by Robert Greene.

The quick fix solutions I can offer is that you start spending your time doing things that don't involve your wife this way you are less needy. That would also include having other female company. Well, I hope you find this helpful. I'd also recommend you read any posts here you see by the late Jophil and by Rollo Tomassi. These guys are experienced Moderators and know what they are talking about.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I think people are being a bit hard on the OP here, saying he's not happy with his life all of that -- it sounds like he has worked very hard to try and complete further schooling and all sorts and just bc someone has lost sight of their fitness doesn't mean their entire lives are basked in 5hit.

I think there is some solid advice here -- man I've never been married but I've been in a relationship where she lost respect and wanted to wear the pants and its so damn hard to get that respect back. Look and some chicks honestly also bring it on themselves. I disagree that others say all of these problems are YOUR fault; that's not true--this woman has a sense of entitlement and all sorts of mental concepts, for example, getting off on FB attention, etc, that it's not all YOU -- she brings this on herself also, and she is fortunate that you have the respect to not cheat on her, which she, in the way she is valuing this relationship, is making an easy way out.

I would say if you really love her try and see if you can change your behavior and get a different response out of her -- if the behavior does not change, walking away and finding a better way to be happy, and with someone else, nobody could ever blame you for -- in fact staying in a hellish situation is the worst thing you can do for your own growth!

I feel for you man honestly I do -- I know you are trying your best and just sounds like in some ways you've got a difficult woman here too.

Regarding the issue of her coming to you vs. you going to her -- I would say let it come about naturally. If she comes home and ignores you, just ignore her back, keep on going about your business -- or just bring it up and say -- "something has to change or I can't keep this relationship going" -- I don't think that is an unfair thing to say. Some would say play it cool and all of this, but I would be upright and say that you are both miserable, the silent treatment, the pain in the house, that you can't live this way and are willing to walk away and find something new.

I don't know how some of the veterans on this board would respond to this advice -- and I've never been married so it just seems to me like a better way than playing games and you don't have to come off all pouty or wuss-like. I don't think talking about a real issue is an AFC move -- it takes a man to bring something up that is bothering him and try to find a solution.

This term AFC gets thrown around so much, just because someone's relationship isn't working doesn't mean their some big wuss-bag. Let's be honest here, some women can be really nasty too and threatening -- if you're with some chick who is just an honest b!tch, walk away! You don't HAVE to be around anyone -- and if people are constantly dragging you down why spend time with them?

I know it can be hard to walk away from someone whom you care about or have feelings for. I don't claim this to be anything easy by any means, but you don't want a marriage like this man and its only going to get worse.

Keep us updated. Stay strong man -- you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

 

[Zunder]

Dude, allow me to talk you back into the light here.

Most of the problems you are describing are YOUR fault.

The sex issue is YOUR fault. It is not your wife's job to fvck you anytime you want. It is not your wife's job to cook for you either.

It is YOUR job to keep her interest level high enough so that she WANTS to do these things for you!

The only thing that matters in any relationship with a woman, is HER interest level. Keep her interest level sky high and you will be a happy man almost by default. She will cook, clean, cater, and screw your brains out if you keep her interest up and through the roof.

How do you keep her IL high?

Well let's focus on your relationship specifically, and what you are doing wrong.

First things first, forget about the "marriage" tag of your relationship. You need to treat your marriage exactly the same way as you would any exclusive relationship with a woman. Just because you are married it doesn't give you any leeway. You need to stay just as sharp if not more with your game to keep things going great.


1. Challenge - You got fat, lazy and out of shape. You are less attractive to her. More importantly you are less attractive to other women. (Despite these other two girls) The more your wife thinks other women want you, the better. In your case she probably doesn't see any competition to keep you interested and you've ceased to be a challenge to her. Women want the competition for your interest. They want to work to keep you interested. They all want the challenge of being with the man that other women are attracted to. That man must be looking his very best and living his life well. It is a challenge. It is competition. They need it. As soon as you cease to be a challenge in this way your relationship is on the countdown to failure.

Solution - It sounds like your wife is keeping up her end of the bargain. Lots of guys have wives who let themselves go physically after marriage. You need get to the gym immediately. Buy some new outfits that make you look good. Start taking care of yourself. You don't have to be hot, just looking your best while you are getting back into shape. Be active and drag your wife along, for walks, bike rides, hikes, etc. Start discussing the future, your plans, your goals, etc. Positivity!


2. Confidence - Lack of confidence begins to manifest itself by failing at #1. However it goes deeper than that. Its all about respect. If you don't demand respect from the get go then it is very difficult to get it back. It's obvious your wife has little respect for you at this point. The stinging comments, etc. My guess is that you allowed her to be the "boss" of the relationship from the get go. This is where most guys/relationships fail. Most men lack the confidence to stand up for themselves in the early going. You have to be willing "to walk" from the first signs of disrespect. You need to exude that confidence right from the start. Once you gain that respect you must keep it throughout all her little shyt tests along the way. Eventually she learns and things run more smoothly.

Solution - Speaking/whining to her mom was a REALLY weak move. You need to get into the DJ Bible and start reading posts about How to be a Man immediately! Regaining respect can be tough but it can be done.

3. Control - Control manifests itself from succeeding at #2 (Notice how I've laid this out for you in 3 easy steps? Control is how you act and maintain your emotions. Your "cool" so to speak.

You make mention of having fights with your wife. Fights demonstrate a lack of control. Allowing your wife to draw you into a argument or fight makes you the loser every single time. You may get your point across and win the actual argument however, you ultimately lose because you have allowed her to let you demonstrate your lack of control. Women love drama and will always attempt to draw you into it with them. This is where they gain their power. Avoid arguments, fights, yelling, and losing your control at all times.

In these situations it all goes back to what I said about respect. If she says something disrespectful or yells at you, then you have to make a stand right there or walk. It is cut and dry. You simply will not be in any relationship where two people treat each other that way. What this means is that you can no longer yell or say disrespectful shyt back to her either. This demonstrates Control. This gains Respect. This gains Confidence. It is a win/win situation for you and everyone. Your fights with your wife are no longer fights. They are serious discussions where you maintain control. Refuse to be drawn into her dramatic behaviour even if she's bawling, battling, or screaming. Her silent treatment is a power trip drawing you further into her control game.

Solution - Change the way you communicate with your wife. Stop arguing, and bickering. Silent treatments come from arguments. They usually end when the "silent one" feels that the other person is admitting to see their side of the argument a little more. Use these moments to express to your wife that you want to improve the way you communicate together. You've done some stupid things and you may have to give a little to get a little on the road back success with her.


More Stuff:

- Do not cheat on your wife. Repeat!!! There may be a divorce or separation looming in your near future and cheating is just going to give her ammunition against you. Your life is already in shambles dude. Focus on fixing. Busting a nut isn't going to fix anything.

- Are these other chicks who want to fvck you hotter than your wife? If so you can use them to create challenge. If you do it subtly and not by cheating. I repeat, very subtly. If your wife is hotter than the other girls then her knowing about them wanting to fvck you works against you in a big way. Especially since you have let yourself go physically. Your wife is looking at you as less attractive already. If she sees you flirting or getting on with a chick of lesser value then it's just more reason to leave you.

- Do something surprising. It doesn't have to be big, or maybe it does. Do something to shake up your wife's perception of you a little bit. A new interest, a surprise outing, a trip out of town, whatever. It could even be you just showing up to give her a hand with something. Little things that make her go hmmm... These are the small things that slowly start the wheels of respect turning in your direction. It has to happen slowly.

- At this point you should avoid "talking" about your relationship problems too much if at all. You need to start "doing" the right things and "showing" her the changes you want to make. Discussing these things will fall on deaf ears. At some point you should apologize for going to her mother but not now.



In Summary

Chuck, from what you've written this may be a long road back and your relationship may not make it at all. However, regardless of what happens relationship-wise, YOU will make it! Remember that!

All the stuff I've written above is about "how things should work". It isn't just the path to fixing your current relationship, but how to fix your future relationships as well. How to succeed with women.

Start filtering the above changes into your life and relationship slowly. A sudden change will most likely see your relationship end. You need to start gaining respect back slowly. Start communicating more and with more respect.

You've basically been doing everything wrong and probably for a long time. It doesn't give your wife reason to treat you badly but relationships are very habitual. If she's been disrespecting you and you've been allowing it then that pattern isn't going to change overnight. If you want to save this, then you are going to have to "eat sh!t" for a little while longer while you turn things around. Remember that at the root of it all YOU are the one to blame for most of these problems. She wasn't a cvnt when you married her right?

Do not cheat on your wife! If anything, use those other girls as a confidence boost to help you get motivated.

Start reading the DJ Bible!!!

Good luck!

Slick

P.S. That "what is an AFC?" line was classic!

Why bother doing all this for the type of chick he describes? She is obviously fvcked in the head, sure this may help, but why bother with her. She's demented.

 

[Eliza]

Yikes, she sounds awful! I hope you don't mind a girl's opinion but I have a lot of guy friends that I give the female's perspective advice wise to. If you're unhappy enough that you're considering cheating then it sounds like you shouldn't be married to her anymore. From what you described it just sounds like a miserable way to live. Being with someone should be enjoyable for the most part. If you don't want to jump straight to a divorce, try therapy so you at least try one last thing. Honestly though, she doesn't sound like a very nice person and she seems like she's already started to distance herself from you like she's on the brink of leaving.

 

[typical]

End the marriage. End it when she does the first disrespectful thing when she gets back. Make that her last chance. If she gives you trouble within ten minutes of walking in the door, tell her to get her ass back to her parents place because the marriage is over. DO NOT discuss details on why it's ending. There's no reason to discuss something that's been destroyed beyond repair. Just write the whole goddam thing off, and start fresh.

You're an unhappy miserable pile of 5hit. That's no way to live your life. Take back the control of your sex life, your home life, and your happiness. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

Read the above and let it sink in mate.

But before you end the marriage start working on making your own life better for you, become completely independant, learn to cook clean and look after yourself. Loose the weight and hit the gym hard pick up as many sports and hobbies as you can, make new and better friends.

Now read this as I type this up as a chess metaphor. SHE has started the "End Game", she is starting to loose weight and break away from you doing fun and exciting things and sooner or later a better looking stud will be banging your wife behind your back and you won't even know about it, could be happeneing right now.

If you want you can work towards fixing this marriage but it won't take days/weeks or months it will take years before she respects you the way you want her to. You can do all the self improvement things and see how your marriage goes if it takes a turn for the good stick it out, if not bail early and find a better woman. Life is too fu(king short to waste with a woman that doesn't add anything but sadness and guilt and misery to your life.

If over the next few months you slowly changing your life works then props to you read the dj bible and apply some of the ideas into your married life, if things dont change then here is your guide to get out while still on top.

Create a trust account with you and a very trustworty friend slowly transfer all your assets that you own outright into that trust, create a trust fund where most of your savings and left over cash also go into. Make sure your wife can not get access to these after a divorce, get some legal aid for working the right loop holes in the law to achieve this. You don't have any kids so your going to break away free without any problems.

My best friend done a similar thing by transfering ownership of all his assets to his father and then divorced his then wife, he had some brillient advice from our old highschool mate who is a lawyer these days.

 

[ChuckNoRisk]

Thanks for all your responses guys.Each of your responses keeps feeding into my motivation to stay on the transformation path. It's really about rehabilitating me more than anything else. In fact I'm slowly drifting away from doing things as a reaction to her actions. Almost like detaching myself from her sphere of influence. This is what she will walk back into when she gets back.

As for talking to her mother, well, I can see I'm talking quite a lot of heat for that . Fellas, let me give a bit of context. In our culture, divorce has to be the last resort. A couple has to try everything in order to save the marriage, and one thing that's encouraged is get a trusted family elder to mediate. In my case, I decided to tell her mother because I know my wife will listen to her. Her mom is pretty old school and believes in the traditional hierarchy of husband as head of the family and that a woman has to do all she can to satisfy her husband between the sheets. Probably it was a bad move. I get that. However, I also think if push comes to shove, and I have to bail, her family will know where it's coming from. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe my being concerned with what her family thinks is also a weakness I need to work on. I'm also aware that the mother might not act in the way I might have hoped she would, but at least she knows my position, that is, I'm not happy.
I've been with this woman since 1996 and through our dating phase and getting married, her "I-want-it-my-way" trait has always emerged and I happily succumbed to it as a way to prevent conflict. I guess I was also too eager to please and to show I was different from her ex.
In fact, I do not get along with her second younger brother because he exhibits the same "i-want-it-my-way" attitude. Again, the blame is on me, and my coming to this forum was really falling on my sword and asking you guys to help me dust my boots and start walking tall again.

I'm really grateful for the advice and strategy pointers. Recovery is underway. I just came back from a 7.5 mile (12.12km) run and later in the evening will be back at the boxing gym to work on the bag and do some mitts drills. Yesterday saw me giving away the fatty lamb steaks I had in the fridge and have replaced that with some fish and chicken breasts.

 

[window]

try the no sex diet with her. It will work wonders...she will try and initiate sex to test you so you must decline and say sweety you know the rules. Expect all hell to break loose he he. Also you shouldnt be giving your women the pleasure of your touch when she doesnt deserve it...

 

[ChuckNoRisk]

try the no sex diet with her. It will work wonders...she will try and initiate sex to test you so you must decline and say sweety you know the rules. Expect all hell to break lose he he. Also you shouldnt be giving your women the pleasure of your touch when she doesnt deserve it...

I think that will be a killer blow. I've always been weak to take a bait when she wants it...and I mean WANT it. She will do anything to make it happen. I've been in situations where we had to leave a drama theatre because she said she just couldn't wait, and I happily obliged. Being starved, I'd grab at any scraps thrown to me.
I do know that she will start accusing me of infidelity when I reject her sexual advances, but then again, I do not have much of a choice.

 

[Htienvu]

I think that will be a killer blow. I've always been weak to take a bait when she wants it...and I mean WANT it. She will do anything to make it happen. I've been in situations where we had to leave a drama theatre because she said she just couldn't wait, and I happily obliged. Being starved, I'd grab at any scraps thrown to me.
I do know that she will start accusing me of infidelity when I reject her sexual advances, but then again, I do not have much of a choice.

If she does then Agree and amplify like everyone says, say yes darling I am sleeping with 10 different women. Do so in a playful teasing way.

 

[window]

ok but id apply roissys golden rule to the sex. let her initiate 3 to your 2...so when she gets back be a little aloof but dont go overboard straight away just ease into it slowly. I think with some good coaching we can salvage it...

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Chuck,
Sorry,I don't think you are for real.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I realize this is probably a day late and a buck short at this point, but rather than give you some overwritten response have a read of this:

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon/

In fact, you should probably print it out and tape it to your bathroom mirror so you can read it every morning.

 

[ChuckNoRisk]

Dear Chuck,
Sorry,I don't think you are for real.

As often said, assumption is the mother of all phuck-ups.

 

[scrouds]

fatty lamb steaks are good for you. Much better then steamed chicken breast.

 

[ChuckNoRisk]

fatty lamb steaks are good for you. Much better then steamed chicken breast.

Lol...of course, but they'll just retard my fat loss progress

 

[Colossus]

I've been with this woman since 1996 and through our dating phase and getting married, her "I-want-it-my-way" trait has always emerged and I happily succumbed to it as a way to prevent conflict. I guess I was also too eager to please and to show I was different from her ex.
In fact, I do not get along with her second younger brother because he exhibits the same "i-want-it-my-way" attitude. Again, the blame is on me, and my coming to this forum was really falling on my sword and asking you guys to help me dust my boots and start walking tall again.

Chuck, good on you for taking all of our advice in stride. As you can see there are some pretty strong opinions on what you should do once a marriage goes sour. Only you know the full context of your story with her. I just want to reiterate too that it's not ALL you; owning your part in all of this is very important as a Man but let's face it, your wife's b1tchy, her-way-or-the-highway personality leaning is a HUGE component. Not all women would react that way given your behavior; but then again your behavior may have been different with a different woman. Relationships are dynamic.

I'll caution you against doing too much too soon with her, as it may backfire. In other words you cant go from your normal placating self to uber-as$hole in a day. There HAVE been success stories here of guys who have turned things around with their cvnty wives...recently too. However if you decided to hit the old dusty trail and start fresh none of us would blame you.

Definitely keep us posted on your progress.

 

[The Duke]

I've been in a similar situation and wanted to make a few comments:

-The points Slickster outlined(Challenge, Confidence, Control) are very solid advice. That is the key to a lot of what you are experiencing. Don't allow yourself to get down on a woman's level.

-I used to give in to the sechs thing anytime my exwife wanted it as well. It got to the point that it was always on her terms. I had to be the initiator 95pct of the time and that gets real old. She had total power and I gave it to her. Well here's a new flash for you AFC's still in the dark....women handle POWER very poorly in every single facet of life. They are also never happy when they have all the POWER. So don't give it to them. They'll be happier and you will to.

I'll never forget the first ltr I had after my divorce when my gf at the time wanted sechs and I told her no. I think I must have been the only male in her history that had ever told her no. It definitely got her attention and she stepped up her game after that.

So what I've done since my divorce is make sure I turn them down. I reject my girls advances 30pct of the time. It tends to keep the power balanced and they work a lot harder for your affection.

-Here's another thing when she oversteps her boundaries too far and you want to reel her back in.........just stop caring. Don't let her actions effect you. Be indifferent to it. Start working on YOU. Her little hamster wheel will start to rationalize why you aren't providing her attention that you once provided! The one who cares less always has the most control.

-"Sechs" for a man is pretty much the equivalent to "Attention" for a woman. ;-) Ponder that for a while.

-Girls work for you, you don't work for them. Its that simple.

- I understand you wanting to talk to her mother. You have to be very careful what you tell her mother and don't tell her much other than there are some issues. Her mother is not on your side at all. If you complain too much it will make you look weak even though I'm sure your complaints are valid.

-IF you must have sechs with some other woman, please be smart enough to hire a working girl. They go away and don't come back unless you pay them. You bring a civilian girl into your house for a romp and she'll wreck your life when she feels she's been done wrong.

-In regards to your wife becoming more active on Fbook...........she's reaching out for attention. She is looking for validation and she will find it on fbook. Be very cautious. A woman who has emotionally checked out of her marriage will succumb to another mans advances every time. Mark my word buddy.

Keep your head high, work on improving yourself. Realize that you both have created the predicament you are in. Its just not you. Also remember that its always best to do the right thing, because when schitt hits the fan and the dust finally settles at least you can live with yourself knowing you did the right thing. I've got an ex wife who acted just like yours is, she didn't do the right thing.....she checked out of our marriage.........fuhked another guy.......and then had a change of heart and regret set in. Guess what.......now she lives with that regret every day. She'll carry that emotional baggage with her the rest of her life. She'll have to lie about her past to every new man she comes across.