On the brink of cheating

[ChuckNoRisk]

Hi guys,
First time poster...
I've been married for 5 years now and, on many fronts, things aren't going so well with my wife. When we were dating, we used to have lots of sex, but things changed when we got married. I started to get a lot of the "I'm tired" or "is that all you think of" excuse. Over the last few years I've gotten to a point of not bothering with initiating because 99% of the times I'd get rejected. Only from time to time, especially when she wants it then I get it. I call these "sympathy phucks". We're still fairly young in our 30s and do not have kids yet. Right now, we last had sex a almost 2 months ago.

In addition to the sex issue, my wife basically wants to dominate me
and any complaint about anything is met with a very swift and stinging response! I just think there's complete disrespect for me because the talk back is laced with contempt, and, if I was weak emotionally, I would've have been violent with her a long time ago.
Guys, how does one explain a wife getting in the kitchen and making herself
food and not bother with making something for the husband? What kind of bull crap is that? I'm really angry about this stuff.

When we have fights, and she feels I've wronged her, she will give me the silent treatment that can extend to 3 weeks.
Things came to a head last week when I just felt I couldn't take it anymore and I basically "reported" her to her mother - the only person she will listen to. She had been ignoring me in the house for 2 weeks, but she's happy posting messages on her wall on FB, mostly communicating with the other ladies she works with. She recently discovered FB and it has consumed every moment of her time.
In the last 3 weeks that she's been giving me the silent treatment, one night I tried to touch her, and, predictably, I was rejected and reminded that since we weren't talking, I should not even begin to think of touching her. Defeated, I just rolled over and faced the other side, praying that I'd sleep!
I have tried to talk to her and she only changes for a week and then fall back into her crap of starving me.

My reporting her to mom was a last resort! In hindsight, I realize maybe I shouldn't have, but I just wanted the mother to know that if I get to pulling the plug, it would be because of a long history of being unhappy. Her mom
is pretty old school and believes a man should be the head of the house,etc and was embarrassed by what I told her. She promised to sort it out with her daughter. My wife didn't take this move kindly and basically told me I had committed a cardinal sin, which she would not forgive. She even went as far as threatning me with going separate ways because I've embarrassed her by outing her to her mom.
She has since gone to visit her parents and hasn't even made any contact, but she posts messages on her FB wall, announcing how happy she is spending time with her mom and brothers. I reckon this is a strategy to further phuck me up mentally: to push me into a position of defeat and then solicit a response from me, like, "i'm sorry, I miss you, etc".
I haven't done so and I just think that this situation presents me with an opportunity to take control of my household, unless she's no longer prepared to stay married to me. So , I will not even call her mom to find out what the outcome of their discussion was. I also know that her mother will probably take her side once she starts outing my transgressions to her. So I'm not banking on that to yield any delicious fruit. They're very close and my wife acts like she's still unmarried and her family is all that matters. I'm made to feel like I'm second class citizen in her life, and she happily takes her mom's advice on anything, but my word does not command the same respect from her!

Guys, here's where the plot thickens. There are two separate females who've entered my orbit and they've made offers to visit my place. I know that they'll spend the night and sex will happen. I haven't had sex and I'm vulnerable right now. I'm really on the brink of cheating. I feel I've taken too much **** from my wife and I have to be selfish and satisfy the justifiable physical need I have.

From a strategy perspective, what do you advise I do to get my wife to respect me again? I have started going to gym, because I had gained a lot of weight and got fat, whilst she lost weight and is looking hot. She's getting a lot of attention from her female friends on FB, commenting about how stunning she looks. She's really basking in it and spends most of her time posting on her wall or friends' walls. I complained about the time she spends online, on FB. She accused me of wanting to control her and lashed out at me. I made a mistake of losing my cool when I confronted her.

When she comes back, I want her to find me in full gear with my transformation and taking charge of my life. I want her to see that I'm beginning to live my life without the spectre of her being the centre of everything I do.
So what strategic mistakes have I made so far and what can I change to get my power back?
By the way, what is AFC?

 

[Greasy Pig]

Brutal and uncompromising honesty is the key here.
I'm not married but my Dad has given me a lot of advice about it.

I think you should organise to talk and each of you get your problems off your chest. It's not a blame game, it's simply LISTENING, both of you. Make that very clear to her.

You'll both say things which might make you both angry but just bite your lip and listen.

Say things like: "When you do this, I feel...."

I think it's great you're looking to improve yourself and take control of your life. Hopefully she's not too far gone.

I think talking to the mum was a bad move but I understand people in desperate times take desperate measures. Don't do it again.

And AFC stands for Average Frustrated Chump. In other words, the opposite of a Don Juan.

These are just my opinions and maybe there are some more effective and classic "DJ" tips from the other guys. Good luck.

 

[Aaron B]

Hi guys,
First time poster...
I've been married for 5 years now and, on many fronts, things aren't going so well with my wife. When we were dating, we used to have lots of sex, but things changed when we got married.

have you told her this? if you think you have, have you said it to her directly in the manner you did above then awaited her response?

Always verbalize what she is doing to her. Don't assume she is aware of it in the way you are. Lots of times issues will fester and eventually when brought to a head she might be like "well if i knew it was important to you i would have"

Its your job to straight-up tell her what she's doing when its causing you pain. Regardless of how you feel about actually doing it.

I started to get a lot of the "I'm tired" or "is that all you think of" excuse. Over the last few years I've gotten to a point of not bothering with initiating because 99% of the times I'd get rejected.

Here's a major failing on YOUR PART:

You've allowed her needs and wants to supercede your own. She is concerned about her wants and needs. YOU are concerned about her wants and needs. NO ONE is concerned about YOUR wants and needs.

You: "Gimme some p.ussy"

Her: "I'm tired"

Why do her wants and needs supercede your own? Why can't you stand up for yourself? We say that women responds to a man who sees what he wants and takes it - so see your wife's p.ussy and take it!

You "That's nice. Now take off your clothes"

Her: "But I said I'm tired!"

You "Yeah I heard you. Now off with those clothes. This will only take a minute, and you won't feel a thing. Come on lets go I'm, losing my boner."

Occasionally my wife whines and gives me the "I'm tired." You know what I do? I f.uck her anyway! Its her duty as my wife! I agreed to restrict myself to just her vagina and she HAS to **** me. She literally has no choice other than divorce!

Only from time to time, especially when she wants it then I get it. I call these "sympathy phucks". We're still fairly young in our 30s and do not have kids yet. Right now, we last had sex a almost 2 months ago.

IF SHE REJECTS YOU ALL THE TIME WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU GIVE IT TO HER WHEN SHE WANTS IT? TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY!

Make that b.itch beg!

At least be like "Oh no, when I want it you are tired. So now that you want it, I'm tired. How you like that b1tch?"

In addition to the sex issue, my wife basically wants to dominate me
and any complaint about anything is met with a very swift and stinging response! I just think there's complete disrespect for me because the talk back is laced with contempt, and, if I was weak emotionally, I would've have been violent with her a long time ago.
Guys, how does one explain a wife getting in the kitchen and making herself
food and not bother with making something for the husband? What kind of bull crap is that? I'm really angry about this stuff.

You don't explain anything, at least not initially. First you have to make her fear you. You have to meet each and every instance of disrespect head-on and verbalize what she is going.

You have to fight back as hard or harder than she fights.

When you call her out, shut up and let her give her BS justifications, don't argue with them, then go right back to repeating what you just caught her doing.

When she is disrespectful, call her out on it! Right then! Every time!

If she is disrespectful and you don't notice, then she leaves and you realize it while she was gone, call her out when she gets back!

You must be relentless. Tolerate nothing less than excellent treatment from her.

When we have fights, and she feels I've wronged her, she will give me the silent treatment that can extend to 3 weeks.

So give her the silent treatment for 6 weeks. Or make fun of her all day long when she is silent. Get in her face bro, anything but lie down and accept your fate like a puppy. She wants a man not a puppy.

Things came to a head last week when I just felt I couldn't take it anymore and I basically "reported" her to her mother - the only person she will listen to. She had been ignoring me in the house for 2 weeks, but she's happy posting messages on her wall on FB, mostly communicating with the other ladies she works with. She recently discovered FB and it has consumed every moment of her time.
In the last 3 weeks that she's been giving me the silent treatment, one night I tried to touch her, and, predictably, I was rejected and reminded that since we weren't talking, I should not even begin to think of touching her. Defeated, I just rolled over and faced the other side, praying that I'd sleep!
I have tried to talk to her and she only changes for a week and then fall back into her crap of starving me.

Why the **** would you try to reward some ***** who is giving you the silent treatment with sex and intimacy? She doesn't deserve it!

Your wife isn't the problem, you are. If you don't fix these issues about yourself, even if you divorce and marry again your life will repeat the same pattern unless you consciously change.

Why do you believe its wrong for you to standup to your wife and challenge her on her nonsense?

 

[Bible_Belt]

We're still fairly young in our 30s and do not have kids yet.

Thank goodness. That will make the divorce much easier. It's obvious that your relationship is over, because she doesn't respect you at all. And I don't think anything you do is going to change that. Divorce without kids is easy. Just do it and move on.

If you stayed, you have to find out why she hates you so much. That would probably involve months, maybe years of some very miserable therapy. And eventually you'd probably find out that it's something that has nothing to do with you anyway, some emotional scarring from her past that she might not even remember on a conscious level.

 

[Mike32ct]

I still wouldn't cheat. I think it's a trap. She keeps breaking your b@lls and not giving you s@x so you do cheat. Then she can catch you and you can be the bad guy. Then she can divorce you guilt-free. Then she will be riding one of her FB orbiters in no time.

While she's giving you the silent treatment, you can be at the gym working out like a madman while you figure out what to do next.

But definitely be very careful not to get her pregnant. Like Bible Belt said, a divorce (if it gets to that and it might) is simpler with no kids involved. In fact, I probably wouldn't have s@x with her at all since it's only when SHE wants it. Whack off if you have to, but avoid porn.

Don't discuss this with her mom or any of her family or friends again though. I know you meant well, but nothing good can come from that as you've seen.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

There is nothing you can do but manup. Earlier this year in a relationship I went through the same things. Didn't have sex January through May. Internally I knew what I had to do but I had fear of letting everything go to waste. All the dinners and things I bought for her. I felt like I invested ALOT in her. Selling my ps3.... letting her get 100$ just cuz... etc. I was simping... hardcore.

and your simping too. This is noones problem but yous. You shouldn't have told anybody anything. You got yourself into this situation and you must get yourself out of it. You need space away from her. You need to let her know that you need to take time to think. When you do that you will realize what you deserve and you won't take anything less.

By doing this your showing her that you sick of her bullcrap and that you don't need her. I wish I could have done this earlier this year before she broke up with me but I was prepared for it because of everybody on this forum. After she broke up with me I held NC till this day. She is out of my life completely. I got all my assets I lost back and even got more. Thanks to hard work. It took some months but I got out the hole and I'm looking above ground.

Just remember Chuck. It's never too late to put your foot down. Start now so you don't have to put up with this.

 

[EFFORT]

Read this straight through

http://smilyanov.net/download/pdfs/The Way of the Superior Man.pdf