On Holding A Conversation And Avoiding Awkward Silences

[War Against Betaism]

I was thinking about putting this in the tips section but I thought that conversation is the one thing that is holding high schoolers back. In high school if you can hold a conversation, you'll find yourself in the most prominent social circles in an instant. Forget about memorizing canned material, using negs, hypnosis, etc. The answer is more simple than you think.

I was having a conversation with my friend last week telling him about one of my bestfriends who is an AFC. He's been depressed ever since breaking up with his girlfriend and has been for the most part, pretty bad with the women he has been meeting. He doesn't seem to have a problem with actually meeting them, but he has encountered a lot of the dreaded "awkward silence" moments. What my friend told me was "Easy, just tell him to pamper the girl." My DJ instincts immediately told me this was bad advice, I mean pamper the girl? But then he went onto something interesting. "Listen to what they have to say, and that's it. Women love to talk about themselves and they love people who listen to them."

This actually had me thinking, back when I was an AFC I would always concern myself with different topic subjects to talk about. I kept myself updated with the latest gossip in the school and in the media, yet I was still unsuccessful socially. When my friend told me that advice, it made me realize why I was so bad at holding a conversation. Every time I would engage with someone in a conversation, I came in looking for the person to listen to ME and cared less about what THEY had to say. I thought since I did so much research on different topics to talk about, I could provide all 100% of the conversation.

Even though I have improved my social skills immensely since my hardcore AFC days, conversation has actually still been one of my weaker areas. Even a week ago I still had the mindset that I'M responsible for providing the conversation. I had a hard time keeping in touch with women and I blamed other factors besides my own lack of knowledge about conversation on it. I had everything else down; strong mentality, ****y and funny (done right), but because I lacked actual one on one conversation skills, I would meet women, lots and lots of them, and lose touch with them after first meeting them! Meanwhile my friends who get jealous easily and aren't funny seem to have no problem keeping in touch with their women.

This has been frustrating me and it's only recently that I discovered exactly what my problem was. What makes it worse is that the answer was always right there in my face but I just didn't see it. That is to just LISTEN! Listen to what they have to say!

A great conversationalist is an even greater listener.

Girls love talking about themselves. If you listen to them, they will love you too for it, just by listening to what they have to say! It is sooooo easy! Girls would prefer talking to a mirror than talking to a guy that doesn't listen to them who just yabs and yabs about his made up stories. I was at a party the past weekend and I've been talking to a girl who already says she wants to hang out with me (I'll be honest, a girl hasn't told me she wanted to hang out with me for a while, when I made plans with women I would always be aggressive). Here is an example:

Me: So where are you from?
Her: I'm from Florida, I came here with my friends in a van.
Me: Oh that's cool. (3 second awkward silence). You know the other day I....

What went wrong here? Wasted material. Look at all that conversation that could have taken place. She is from Florida and she came here with her friends in a van. There are so many questions or ways of expanding this, such as "Oh really how is Florida?", or "Oh wow you guys drove all the way here from Florida?" When you ask questions, you'll notice that you'll have even more and more material to talk about. You don't have to memorize jokes, made up stories, and most of all, you don't need to be so anxious! That conversation could have easily turned out like:

Me: So where are you from?
Her: I'm from Florida, I came here with my friends in a van.
Me: Wow all the way from Florida?
Her: Haha yeah we always wanted to do a road trip.
Me: That's pretty amazing though, where are your friends right now?
Her: Oh they're around.
Me: How do you like your trip so far?

etc. Probably not the best example as conversations are only natural between two people but hopefully it shows what I'm trying to get across.

Here's a key point, just don't talk about yourself AT ALL until they ask about you.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

Everytime there is a "awkward silence". I say; So, is this what a awkward silence sounds like? Most of the time the girl will laugh and a new convo starts up.

 

[Analyzeit]

yeah, I'm pretty good at conversations, but i talk waaay to much! I pretty much do exactly what I.A.F.Y.B said, or something along the same lines.

I've read lots of advice that say pretty much exactly the same things, but i always lead to problems with this technique, especially with people that i've known for awhile and haven't just met, but I'm going to start trying again but i always feel like I'm interrogating someone when i do this, oh well nothing to lose anyway

And i actually thing the last key point may have helped i gotta grap my pen and write it down somewhere

 

[CaptainJ]

Everytime there is a "awkward silence". I say; So, is this what a awkward silence sounds like? Most of the time the girl will laugh and a new convo starts up.

That's quite a bad idea. Never acknowledge the awkward silence. DJs don't have awkward silences, they only have comfortable silences. If you can't think of anything to say, then don't and just enjoy the silence, act as if it is relaxing. Acknowledging a silence as being awkward just makes your seem nervous. The girl may laugh, but it's probably a nervous laugh and she feels pressured into speaking.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

That's quite a bad idea. Never acknowledge the awkward silence. DJs don't have awkward silences, they only have comfortable silences. If you can't think of anything to say, then don't and just enjoy the silence, act as if it is relaxing. Acknowledging a silence as being awkward just makes your seem nervous. The girl may laugh, but it's probably a nervous laugh and she feels pressured into speaking.

It never turned out bad for me when I said it jokingly. But, then again.. I've only said it around a group of people.

 

[War Against Betaism]

It never turned out bad for me when I said it jokingly. But, then again.. I've only said it around a group of people.

That's what I would say too, when no one is speaking within the group I or someone else would say sarcastically "Awkward silence."

 

[Pdizzzzzzle]

That's what I would say too, when no one is speaking within the group I or someone else would say sarcastically "Awkward silence."

yea. everyone has awkward silences, I got a little more than the actual don juan because I'm still in a transition, but nobody's perfect. Thanks this thread helped me a lot... I just got to realize to stop being so nervous and just have fun with it instead of trying to carry the convo.

 

[LoveLight]

Women yap..yap..yapp...yap.. arrgghh.

But you gotta listen, it's good advice. It's hard to be a man!

And by the way, silence is only akward if you are. Otherwise it's just silence.

 

[Huffman]

Just as a sidenote: how do you avoid "interviewing" the girl at the same time? Asking a sh!tload of questions is a turn-off too.

 

[SmokingSquirrel]

That's quite a bad idea. Never acknowledge the awkward silence.

Haha. This is very important. I know a girl who everyone in my school thinks is awkward. This is because every time there is a silence (and usually the silence is not awkward at the beginning), she would comment about it, and it was self-fulfilling. :nono:

Just as a sidenote: how do you avoid "interviewing" the girl at the same time? Asking a sh!tload of questions is a turn-off too.

If you ask a series of questions one after another (How was your trip? What did you do? Who did you go with?), then it becomes weird. Only creeps come off as "interviewing". Ask one question. She'll respond, then you say what you think. The conversation will naturally progress without further questions.

Example:
Me: How much does the Cuba grad trip cost?
Her: *Some number
Me: Nice. Too bad that I'm going on my cruise... and it's going to rock.
Her: Yeah right, your parents are going to be there.
*Some other stuff that took a lot of time...*
I went on a cruise before when I was little.
Me: Oh yeah? How'd you like it?
Her: *Tells me some story.
Me: *Responds with another story.

Easy.

 

[War Against Betaism]

Just as a sidenote: how do you avoid "interviewing" the girl at the same time? Asking a sh!tload of questions is a turn-off too.

It starts becoming an interview when you start asking a bunch of unrelated questions just to keep the conversation alive. An "interview" conversation lacks the flow of a natural conversation, like Smoking Squirrel said, just question after question after question. Instead of saying "How was your trip? What did you do?" You should say "Oh really? How was your trip? *girl responds* That sounds fun, what did you do exactly?"