Okay so my wife and i got in a pretty big fight last night

[backbreaker]

I kinda saw this **** coming about a month ago but it boiled over last night.


Okay the client girl I showed a picture of a few weeks ago. I met her in May. By August we started befriending each other and now she's like my little sister. She's like, an Italian woman version of me. WE have the same quirks, we have the same interests just about, we have the same sense of humor, we tick a like. We just get along. She's a good friend. When I need to talk to someone about something not my wife I talk to her. She has a BF and when she needs to talk about **** she will talk to me about it.


My wife's real only flaw, besides leaving shoes in the middle of the floor and eating in the bed lol, is that she thinks I'm going to leave her. And she's smart about it too she can look at a chick and know if they are any real competition.


This chick works like I work in front of a PC all day and over the last few weeks we have thing thing were we will get on google hangout and just chat while she's at work and i'm at work. I want to note that not one time was antyhing ever suggested that was seual or any type of advance on either of our parts. Mainly we talk about working out and how her dad is getting on her nerves, stuff like that. But it helps me pass my slow time while I'm working plus this is december not a lot of work this time of year.


So my wife last week is using my pc and i left my window open and she saw the chat and she's like why didn't yhou tell me you were talking to her i'm like woman i'm a grown ass man i don't have to tell you ever conversation i have , we've been down this road before you either trust me or you don't, if you don't trust me there's the door. she was like it's not like that but i mean, i just want you to talk to me more and i'm like okay well you know i'm not doing anything i am not supposed to do and this chick has a LTR anyway we're just cool. I don't say **** about the dude hair stylist when he wants to meet you for lunch or everytime i go to the gym and i see you at the gym (we go to the same gym but usually at different times) you are talking to the same dude lol. I don't care. I trust you.

Anyway so like now she (The client girl) starts showing up at starbucks on her lunch break. So I'm telling my wife this and I mean, she doesn't like it.. she doesn't say anything but i've lived with this woman for 5 years i know her, and she didn't like it. Then Thursday we both had some last mintue Christmas shopping to do and she was lke **** it let's just go together and i was like cool. My wife didn't like that either. and **** we were shopping for my wife's presents lol. she doesn't know that though.


Yesterday was the last straw. The chick has family in NJ so she flew back home to see them but before she left she gave me a present. I haven't opened it yet but i have a good idea of what it is (some decently priced colonge) and i'm like oh **** I didn't know we were exchanging gifts lol so now i run out the house yesterday to go get her something before the weekend gets here and the crowds are out of control and when i get home i guess she had some time to stew on this but she was hot lol. She was like "so now you'r buying this girl presents too" i'm like damn woman she started it lol. This is like a bad curb your enthusiasm episode (or good lol) WTF you want me to do give the present back and ruin my relationship for no other reason than you're jealous? you need to grow the fvck up. Those were my exact words.

So i'm like okay babe lets look at this logically


Have i ever given you a reason to be jealous since we started DATING not since we've been married.. DATING.. she was like no.

I was like have I ever lied to you (about serious **** lol).. no

Do you think I love you?.. yes

Have I had attractive female friends in the past that I wasn't sexually interested in? .. yes


lol does one of the 2 of us have a history of over exaggerating and getting worked up over nothing lol....yes


I mean, one of the main reasons I married this woman, is barbecue she doesn't breathe down my neck. I have my own life. She trusts me and I turst her but at the of the day I come home.


So she was like well let me ask you this if we weren't married would you date her? I was like no beucase she has a BF


she was like well what if she didn't? ... i said.. probably yeah i would.


SO YOU WANT TO **** HER!!! (lol)



See, this is where I've improved in the last 5 years. See at this point, I realized i couldn't win this argument. her mind was made up. She works herself up into these friezes and ****, so I just took joe and we went the movies lol. I don't have to deal with this silliness. didn't say one more word to her.


So I get home and she's crying. She's like I"m sorry for acting like that i just don't want to lose you. I'm like babe I don't want to lose you either that's s why i married you. She doesn't give herself enough credit. I am crazy about her. She's my son's mother. She's the love of my life. You know how many hot women I see in LA everyday?


I was like look here you need to accept that because of what i do, im' going to be around women from time to time. I might even get along with some of them.


Oddly enough I'd always been around women, cute ones in NA/AA. **** one of my clients is a pretty well known porn star. But something about this girl really gets under my wife's skin

 

[backbreaker]

And I also want to add to my defense and this is what i was trying to explain to her. I don't' have work colleagues. I work from home. That's not fair of you to criticize me / get pissy when I finally make a friend that's not you. My wife doens't work. She gets joe ready for school,k takes him to school, goes to the gym then just basically ****s off until joe gets out of school, picks him up then does dinner. She gets to go to the mall, she meets all her friends for lunch, she gets to go to yoga class during the week she has all this **** she can do and gets to meet all these people and i work at home and i don't. I want friends dammit lol.

 

[Epimanes]

Dude. If your married and love your wife. You don't have friends of the opposite sex. Its very disrespectful. Would you be ok if she just "talked" to some guy about things that she felt she couldn't talk to you about? I doubt it.

Friends of the opposite sex are dangerous to marriage. When you discuss personal things with other people other than your wife .. You meeting that womans nedd for openess and honesty. To many women this is a top 5 need. Of course she's going to feel threatened. Its the beginning of an emotional affair that leads to a physical one. Especially if your marriage is not doing so good. No body usually "plans" an affair either. They happen because you let your guard down and let another women meet your needs and she makes love deposits during those moments and you go from know her-like her-love her and bam... Your wife will seem faint in compairson because this other woman doesn't live with you and you don't spend enough time together to make love withdrawls during the times you do talk to her. You sir have poor boundries and your wife is feeling it. I don't blame her for feeling the way she does.

Learn what your wifes top emotional needs are.. Teach her yours.. Have more intimate conversation with your wife (likely the number one need of your wifes or top 3) stop doing things that trigger jealousy. If it bugs her .. STOP DOinG IT. And her fears will be eleviated. Spend more quality time with her also. Date more and combine these needs in every date. (Affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment)

Your not a single guy so stop acting like it. I'm sure her BF woudlnt like it either. Your wife feels your disconnect because you have talked more to this other woman than you do her.

Check out marriagebuilders.com man it can turn your marriage around. Your on a slippery slope that's gaining momentum.

Trust should not be blind trust. But verified trust. I been with my wife for 20 years man.. I know a thing or two about what it takes to make it last man... And being friends with anyone EITHER of you disapprove of is a guarenteed way to withdraw love from eachother.

You don't have to take my word for it. But is your wifes pain over other women that you defend worth all this?? Look into your wifes eyes and think about when you first got together before you answer that and then tell me you think fighting over your wifes feelings and trying to convince her to not feel that way is worth this other lady. I seriously doubt it.

Talk should never be personal to opposite sex people..superficial only and even then only if your wife approves. And same with her also she should respect you enough to keep talk superficial with other guys. This shows you care and cherish your wife.

Just my 2 cents.

Epi

 

[backbreaker]

I mean, i know my wife better than i know anyone else on earth, besides maybe my son. She's not being a *****. She's not being mean. She's just scared.

 

[Colossus]

You know what BB I don't blame her. This client girl seems to dig you and is pushing the boundaries with a married man. You are pushing the envelope here with your wife's feelings, and I think it would best to bow out of this battle and create some distance with this other chick.

Your wife does not sound unreasonable, she is just insecure about losing you (not always a bad thing), and for obvious reasons this girl makes her uneasy. I think if you continue to fight this one you will hurt your relationship with your wife.

On the note of opposite sex friends in a marriage, I think that depends on the couple and their boundary level, but overall the stakes are a lot higher than when you are dating. Epimanes had some good points and while I don't completely agree with all the marriagebuilders stuff (some of it is too beta for me), it is mostly sound practical advice and there is just some stuff that has to be off limits when you are married.

G-chatting and solo hangouts with another woman would be on that list, IMO. I mean if it was my wife I would absolutely draw a line with her spending solo time with another man....unless he was family or elderly, etc.

 

[backbreaker]

I mean, i would agree with oyu if like she saw some ranchy conversations between us or if there was any flirting or anything. there isn't.

I could understand if like, she confessed to me she has a thing for me. she hasn't.


I haven't given her a reason to act the way she's acting. it's all in her head. I refuse to let "her head" dictate my friends. what's next? If i give in now then she won't :"let me" have any female friends. then it's male friends. then she doesn't want me to go here, or she wants me to do this. **** all that lol.


she needs to get a ****ing grip. i haven 't done antyhing wrong neither has this chick

 

[backbreaker]

I mean, i would agree with oyu if like she saw some ranchy conversations between us or if there was any flirting or anything. there isn't.

I could understand if like, she confessed to me she has a thing for me. she hasn't.


I haven't given her a reason to act the way she's acting. it's all in her head. I refuse to let "her head" dictate my friends. what's next? If i give in now then she won't :"let me" have any female friends. then it's male friends. then she doesn't want me to go here, or she wants me to do this. **** all that lol.


she needs to get a ****ing grip. i haven 't done antyhing wrong neither has this chick

 

[Bible_Belt]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair

I think a lot of her insecurity is over the slight age gap between you and her, and especially between her and the other women you're going to be able to attract in the future. Think about it. That gap grows larger all the time. She gets older, and whatever hot random 20something you can bang stays the same age.

 

[JoeMarron]

Im in agreement with Colossus and Epimanes. Opposite sex friendships can slide out of control real quick. Look at this argument for instance. She's upset with you right now, she talks about this with a male friend alone, the male friend comforts her, everyone should be able to see where I'm going with this. The fact that you didn't give her a reason to act like this is irrelevant. The fact that the situation is dangerous is reason enough. You can go the super alpha route and do whatever you want her feeling be damned but don't be surprised if the end result isn't a good one. You're married, you can't live like the dude who spins plates anymore.

 

[backbreaker]

Honestly... I don't care lol. Not that I don't care but this is not something I"m budging on. I don't have any of my friends. I work from home. I live in Socal and I grew up in Arkasnas. All my friends I have are really people she knows and their BFs. I have my own friend. The fact that she's not ugly and9 years younger than my wife is moot to me.


That's just some **** she's going to have ot life with. I had female friends when we were engaged and every time the female would do something inappropriate i cut bait. I'm not going to live in a box because of her insecurities. That's some **** she needs to process.


I refuse to become one of "those" guys.



and on top of that i asked her, babe do you think i'm having an affair and she said quickly "no". She KNOWS i'm not ****ing this girl. she doesn't like competition. she wants ALL my attention and that's not fair to me. **** that.

About a year ago I made a post where I said I compromise with my wife on things to keep the peace. This is not one of those things. If we have to go to war over this **** we're going to war. Because it won't get BETTER. then ALL females in my life have to go. Then she has problems with me staying out late. I'm ****ing 30. No this is the stand right here.

 

[backbreaker]

you know what lol. I know how to solve this.

 

[Epimanes]

Honestly... I don't care lol. Not that I don't care but this is not something I"m budging on. I don't have any of my friends. I work from home. I live in Socal and I grew up in Arkasnas. All my friends I have are really people she knows and their BFs. I have my own friend. The fact that she's not ugly and9 years younger than my wife is moot to me.


That's just some **** she's going to have ot life with. I had female friends when we were engaged and every time the female would do something inappropriate i cut bait. I'm not going to live in a box because of her insecurities. That's some **** she needs to process.


I refuse to become one of "those" guys.



and on top of that i asked her, babe do you think i'm having an affair and she said quickly "no". She KNOWS i'm not ****ing this girl. she doesn't like competition. she wants ALL my attention and that's not fair to me. **** that.

About a year ago I made a post where I said I compromise with my wife on things to keep the peace. This is not one of those things. If we have to go to war over this **** we're going to war. Because it won't get BETTER. then ALL females in my life have to go. Then she has problems with me staying out late. I'm ****ing 30. No this is the stand right here.

So in otherwords .. You value this woman and female friendships that bother your wife MORE than you value her feelings? Your wife? Whom you chose to be with for the rest of your life? For some chick? Dude....

My wife can pick up my phone... Snoop my pc.. And if anything bothers her she let's me know. Same for me. We then agree to stop contacting said person in that manner. No hurt feelings.

There is 2 types of resentment.

1. She resents you for ignoring her gut feelings forever in her global mind and you continue to remind her you don't care while you enjoy convo with this chick cuz your "not budging" on this one

2. You resent your wife temporarily while you create good convo/dates with yourr wife and drop this chick and your wife feels important again.

Which is it?

Women are wired differently than men... They are global thinkers and have memory like an elephant. You married her cuz she mothers your son and she's #1 woman in your life. Prove it. She's waiting.

Epi
2.

 

[backbreaker]

You value this woman and female friendships that bother your wife MORE than you value her feelings? Your wife?

I value my FREEDOM more than my wife's feelings yes I do.


I'm not doing it. she's not the one that works at home 10 hours a day with no ****ing social life with no friends fvck her feelings in this regard. I'm not going to run myself ragged due to her feelings. What happens 6 monts from now when she "feels" I go out too late? or "feels" i work too much. I'm not doing it. She knew exactly what she married when we got married. But that's mainly the guys on this forum talking my wife for the most part is fine now.


Anyway I got this lol. I know how to handle it once and for all

 

[Married Buried]

Dude. If your married and love your wife. You don't have friends of the opposite sex. Its very disrespectful.

I let my wife have her orbiter AFC's on facebook. I don't give a f/ck. But as for her saying anything other than "hola" or hello" that might bother me a bit. It's not like she converses with them. What should I do, demand she delete all the AFC's from her facebook?

The best thing to do is not give a f/ck because they are betas.

 

[Epimanes]

Whatever dude...

Its just my opinion. I value my wifes feelings and that pays in LTR.

I guarentee that your wife willl feel resentment 1 and slowly fall out of love and become more disresepctful and untrusting. Your sex life will fade and she will focus on the kid more since the kid will value her more than you project. You will begin to argue more and then you will no longer feel in love like you used to and you will "grow apart". You will both then wonder what you ever seen in eachother and you will likely divorce and hurt your kid. Unless you put your marriage first over everything and take special care of your wife and vise versa. You will likly end up a statistic.

But don't take my word... Countl possibly happen to you. Learn the hard way or prove us all wrong 5 years from now. .

Merry christmas. I'm going back to my fam and take care of my sick wife

Epi

 

[Married Buried]

Whatever dude...

Its just my opinion. I value my wifes feelings and that pays in LTR.

I guarentee that your wife willl feel resentment 1 and slowly fall out of love and become more disresepctful and untrusting. Your sex life will fade and she will focus on the kid more since the kid will value her more than you project. You will begin to argue more and then you will no longer feel in love like you used to and you will "grow apart". You will both then wonder what you ever seen in eachother and you will likely divorce and hurt your kid. Unless you put your marriage first over everything and take special care of your wife and vise versa. You will likly end up a statistic.

But don't take my word... Countl possibly happen to you. Learn the hard way or prove us all wrong 5 years from now. .

Merry christmas. I'm going back to my fam and take care of my sick wife

Epi

Is your wife American? If so then I can understand your worries. I don't give a f/ck about anything because I trust my wife will never cheat on me no matter what.

 

[Epimanes]

I'm canadian.

 

[Desdinova]

I have a certain view about friends of the opposite sex... If the friendships were formed before you got into a relationship, that's one thing. Forming NEW relationships with people of the opposite sex is disrespectful.

Find yourself some male friends to talk with or someone on the internet who lives nowhere near you.

 

[Epimanes]

Not true. The thing is when your first dating. You spend tons of quality time together. Your infatuated with eachother. Your on your best behavours. Both of you so its easier. When you marry. Your telling her that you forsake all others for her and she the same for you. So when you project that you don't take her feelings into account (like you did early in the "game" trying to win her over and playing the prize at the same time) she will begin to feel she made a mistake. That your not "the one" and begin to feel jaded. Sure its all fun and "games" when your dating... But once you say I do. The games end and they should. You should be looking to integrate her into your life in every aspect and create compatability. When you marry... That's just the beginning. You bought the farm and all the other hidden insecurities and issues along with it. So when the roof on the house breaks you have to fix it. And that's the stability women seek. When they are low.. Or not up to par. You will not run away. When she's sick you'll take care of her. When either one of you are bothered by something you would make sure to never do it again once its recognized because you promised to forsake all others over eachother.

Epi

 

[Epimanes]

Oh and yes.. My sex life died off for quite some time after kid #2. Lots of stress. Taking eachother for granted. Lots of arguing especially about sex which didn't make it better. Couple that with 2 kids tuggin at your feet for years.. Yeah it gets hard to find quality time and you just stop caring for eachother like you used to when it was just two of you.

I have since turned that around.. Getting sex more than ever.. With more feelings behind it. More passion. Rather than just hurrying up to get off cuz one of the kids may pound on the door or get hurt or need to go to some activity. It takes dedication and a village of people to keep the romance alive.

Infact its hard... Likely a lot harder than just bouncing from woman to womn in short term flings with superfical feelings while your one your best behaviour