Off My Chest: Old One-Itis Returned To Life, Third Wheeling? Now What?

[nicksaiz65]

WARNING:
Long and emotional post!!!

Yo, my SS Family. Hopefully you won’t flame me too bad for this one lol. I got invited out for some drinks yesterday, and this re-ignited a whole host of issues that I’ve ran into in the past. I’ve discussed some of this with other members before, but I thought I’d make this an open discussion because I need some guidance. I’m going to be completely open and honest with how I feel about this situation, so don’t flame me too bad lol.

So I’ve told this story probably a million times. I used to play in a band, got very close with the female singer. Couldn’t make any romantic moves on her because she was in a multi-year LTR.

At one point, we fell out of touch. (I later learned that this was because of her controlling husband.) She was going through some very tough times, so she reached out to me and I took her under my wing. Eventually, she ended up going through a divorce.

Once some time had passed, I knew that if I didn’t escalate on her, I’d be kicking myself. So I made a move, but I was rejected and placed in the friendzone basically lol. The whole, “It would ruin our friendship” BS rejection. Even so, I still remained in touch with her.

The reason I did this was, it’s very nice to have a friend that I can lean on for emotional support, it really helps me out with how brutal/tough life is these days. It’s nice to be able to talk about deep emotional sh*t without being judged, call when anything good or bad happens, or to hash it out with someone when I’m going insane from the 60-65 hour workweeks lol. So in a strange kind of way, this relationship is filling an emotional void that I feel, I think. And as much as I love my game friends, it can be extremely refreshing to talk to my non-game friends too.

Since that divorce, and around the time I got rejected, she’s been going on an absolute rampage. If I had to estimate, I’d say that she’s been with 10-12 different guys since that divorce?

The main reason I’m making this thread is, my other close male friend invited me out for gin last night(which was exactly what I needed after last week’s crazy ass workweek.) While we were chilling, I found out that he was fvcking on her too. If you all really want to hear some tea, she had a boyfriend very briefly after the divorce, and she cheated on him and dumped him within a few months. I think the reason she gave was, “He was pushing for a relationship too fast.”

It makes me feel kind of off, because if she and my friend are together, then that means that by definition, I am third wheeling. Not good. And although I’m happy for my friend, that makes me feel a little weird about hanging out with both of them anymore. Also, even though I’ve come to terms with being rejected, it really sucks to hang with her at the bar and flirting with, or even wanting to go home with other guys. I feel like I’m putting myself in a very bad position here. It just feels bad after being rejected, to hear about other guys securing the pvssy in like an hour. Idk if this is accurate, but it feels like she’s telling me I’m not enough while other guys are.

This is more nuanced than a one-itis case, I think. Because if you know me, you know that I go out to cold approach women nearly every weekend. I have successes that I can point to in my approach journal. But just because I have those successes to point to doesn’t change the way that I’m feeling about this. Maybe the issue is that I’m missing some kind of deep emotional connection that I’m not getting from my approaches? Idk.

So the main question here is, what actionable steps can I take to resolve this sticky situation that I’ve found myself in? I can see this going one of two ways.

One, just don’t even fvcking worry about it. Just keep that relationship around for emotional support, and continue to go out every weekend, and cold approach/meet women who are interested in me. It is what it is.

Two, back off from her, my other friend, or both, since this is such a sticky situation. I suppose this would stop the emotions I’m feeling, but I think that I would feel bad about this and miss them. I actually tried to go No Contact on her, but I ended up cracking. Why I’m feeling this attachment to a woman I’m not even sexually involved with, I have no clue. It also doesn’t make sense why I felt a void when I tried to go NC, even though I hang out with friends and meet new women every single weekend.

Sorry if this thread is a bit of a re-tread. I’m just not sure what the correct answer is, and I needed to get this off my chest since this came up again yesterday. Wanted to put this on here. Thoughts appreciated.

 

[SW15]

You need to back off from her in any possible way and focus on your own approaches and goals.

 

[RazorRambo24]

I only see this going one way: you getting more and more invested in her, and her remaining absolutely 0% interested in you, as she continues to sleep with all these other guys.. and eventually will put a huge wall between her and you when you try to confess your love to her.

This scenario happens so often I feel like it should be common sense- This is like the ultimate tale of being Friendzoned. Ofc in the end it usually hurts for you and 0 for her. She might reach out to you again just to have someone to vent to and kill time with.. but that just keeps you more and more sucked in.

As fara s I remember you're from a real small town so I dont entirely blame you for being this way.. but it still pretty bad.

 

[nicksaiz65]

You need to back off from her in any possible way and focus on your own approaches and goals.

That’s what it’s looking like… I know we had spoke about this before but it came up again lol.

Is there anything actionable I can do to address that void I feel? Idk why it’s like this when I hang out with friends and do cold approaches.

Maybe the answer is just more approaches and more women.

 

[nicksaiz65]

I only see this going one way: you getting more and more invested in her, and her remaining absolutely 0% interested in you, as she continues to sleep with all these other guys.. and eventually will put a huge wall between her and you when you try to confess your love to her.

This scenario happens so often I feel like it should be common sense- This is like the ultimate tale of being Friendzoned. Ofc in the end it usually hurts for you and 0 for her. She might reach out to you again just to have someone to vent to and kill time with.. but that just keeps you more and more sucked in.

As fara s I remember you're from a real small town so I dont entirely blame you for being this way.. but it still pretty bad.

Yeah, I’ve read too many friendzone stories to confess my love haha. That never ends well.

This is true about the small town. My estimated move date will be August 2024. That being said, I drive every weekend to a bigger city to approach.

I can point you towards my successful interactions, but that isn’t changing the fact that this situation is still ass and I realized that yesterday.

So as mentioned above, the answer is to walk away, keep cold approaching, meet more women and the issue resolves itself totally right?

 

[nicksaiz65]

Also: I don’t think it’s this bad, but it’s so funny how a lot of the advice from the DJ Bible written in like 2004 still applies.

Friendship zone or hell? What do you call it?

 

[RazorRambo24]

Yeah, I’ve read too many friendzone stories to confess my love haha. That never ends well.

This is true about the small town. My estimated move date will be August 2024. That being said, I drive every weekend to a bigger city to approach.

I can point you towards my successful interactions, but that isn’t changing the fact that this situation is still ass and I realized that yesterday.

So as mentioned above, the answer is to walk away, keep cold approaching, meet more women and the issue resolves itself totally right?

What's the issue though? Are you emotionally invested/attached to her? I would just say that you need to realize that this girl doesn't care about you or see you like that. Quickest way to find out is tell her you're into her and she'll make it very clear how she feels. boom end of story-

 

[nicksaiz65]

What's the issue though? Are you emotionally invested/attached to her? I would just say that you need to realize that this girl doesn't care about you or see you like that. Quickest way to find out is tell her you're into her and she'll make it very clear how she feels. boom end of story-

Yeah, I already attempted to make a move on her and I got shut down haha.

I just never cut her off yet or went no contact cause I felt bad about it and to be completely transparent, I still feel some investment even though I got curved. I don’t get that.

I get the feeling that the correct answer is cut her off and keep doing approaches + meeting women who actually have interest in me lol. I hope that would resolve all these problems, but I just wanted to double check it with the guys on the board I guess.

Logically, I do think that if I keep letting this go on it’ll just get worse and worse and worse and worse

 

[nicksaiz65]

You need to back off from her in any possible way and focus on your own approaches and goals.

As I wrote all this out, I have a hypothesis that all of this emotional stress I’ve been feeling has been coming from problems in other areas of my life too. If I were to resolve those problems, then the emotional stress would go away as well.

For example, I stated in this post that I want to build a connection with the women that I meet that goes beyond one night stands. However, I want to do this without having a girlfriend because that would remove me from the game and I couldn’t approach anymore.

I’ve also publicly stated that I’ve had issues with retaining women past One Night Stands. If I were to fix this issue, then I could build and MAINTAIN a rotation, then that would fix the issue I need of wanting more of a connection for the game.

I’d bet the same would go for just general self improvement stuff that I’ve brought up on this forum.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

As a fellow artist, it's pretty much an unspoken rule you don't date other artists unless you've both reached a place of comfort within your respective careers which is very rare outside of celebrity.

Why? Well, look at celebrity artists that date each other, fact of the matter is that women aren't bigger than their emotions, business deals and other connections have been lost because of them, also, most men, artists included, aren't bigger than getting tail, their loyalties will always be with her and you'll find yourself on the outside quickly, especially with a woman that's running through bodies, her current count is based only on information you have, guaranteed there's info you don't have, maybe this woman cheated her entire marriage who knows man.

Get on your purpose, this is nonsense.

 

[nicksaiz65]

As a fellow artist, it's pretty much an unspoken rule you don't date other artists unless you've both reached a place of comfort within your respective careers which is very rare outside of celebrity.

Why? Well, look at celebrity artists that date each other, fact of the matter is that women aren't bigger than their emotions, business deals and other connections have been lost because of them, also, most men, artists included, aren't bigger than getting tail, their loyalties will always be with her and you'll find yourself on the outside quickly, especially with a woman that's running through bodies, her current count is based only on information you have, guaranteed there's info you don't have, maybe this woman cheated her entire marriage who knows man.

Get on your purpose, this is nonsense.

You raise good points. I consider myself a hobbyist musician at this point because work is so damn busy.

At this point, my purpose is making money so that I can spend more time meeting women I guess lol.

 

[The Duke]

@nicksaiz65 this girl doesn't want you like you want her.

Lots of issues here. You airing your emotional crap dries up pu$$y every time.

If she wanted you she would have been with you earlier like she did the other guys.

Why do you want a chic that is getting dihk around every corner?

Just use her for emotional support like she has used you.

Stop worrying about her sexually and find other girls.

In the meantime work on becoming less emotionally dependent.

 

[nicksaiz65]

As a fellow artist, it's pretty much an unspoken rule you don't date other artists unless you've both reached a place of comfort within your respective careers which is very rare outside of celebrity.

Why? Well, look at celebrity artists that date each other, fact of the matter is that women aren't bigger than their emotions, business deals and other connections have been lost because of them, also, most men, artists included, aren't bigger than getting tail, their loyalties will always be with her and you'll find yourself on the outside quickly, especially with a woman that's running through bodies, her current count is based only on information you have, guaranteed there's info you don't have, maybe this woman cheated her entire marriage who knows man.

Get on your purpose, this is nonsense.

Out of the scope of this thread, but tbh I do miss having a purpose. While I am building my dream life atm, my current life consists of:
Survive work during the week and make it to the weekend -> Do what I want on the weekends -> Do it all over again

 

[BillyPilgrim]

That’s what it’s looking like… I know we had spoke about this before but it came up again lol.

Is there anything actionable I can do to address that void I feel? Idk why it’s like this when I hang out with friends and do cold approaches.

Maybe the answer is just more approaches and more women.

You get a car yet Nick? Sometimes the feeling of being stuck can be mitigated by actual freedom of movement. Going for a drive is a good way to clear your head

 

[Gamisch]

WARNING:
Long and emotional post!!!

Yo, my SS Family. Hopefully you won’t flame me too bad for this one lol. I got invited out for some drinks yesterday, and this re-ignited a whole host of issues that I’ve ran into in the past. I’ve discussed some of this with other members before, but I thought I’d make this an open discussion because I need some guidance. I’m going to be completely open and honest with how I feel about this situation, so don’t flame me too bad lol.

So I’ve told this story probably a million times. I used to play in a band, got very close with the female singer. Couldn’t make any romantic moves on her because she was in a multi-year LTR.

At one point, we fell out of touch. (I later learned that this was because of her controlling husband.) She was going through some very tough times, so she reached out to me and I took her under my wing. Eventually, she ended up going through a divorce.

Once some time had passed, I knew that if I didn’t escalate on her, I’d be kicking myself. So I made a move, but I was rejected and placed in the friendzone basically lol. The whole, “It would ruin our friendship” BS rejection. Even so, I still remained in touch with her.

The reason I did this was, it’s very nice to have a friend that I can lean on for emotional support, it really helps me out with how brutal/tough life is these days. It’s nice to be able to talk about deep emotional sh*t without being judged, call when anything good or bad happens, or to hash it out with someone when I’m going insane from the 60-65 hour workweeks lol. So in a strange kind of way, this relationship is filling an emotional void that I feel, I think. And as much as I love my game friends, it can be extremely refreshing to talk to my non-game friends too.

Since that divorce, and around the time I got rejected, she’s been going on an absolute rampage. If I had to estimate, I’d say that she’s been with 10-12 different guys since that divorce?

The main reason I’m making this thread is, my other close male friend invited me out for gin last night(which was exactly what I needed after last week’s crazy ass workweek.) While we were chilling, I found out that he was fvcking on her too. If you all really want to hear some tea, she had a boyfriend very briefly after the divorce, and she cheated on him and dumped him within a few months. I think the reason she gave was, “He was pushing for a relationship too fast.”

It makes me feel kind of off, because if she and my friend are together, then that means that by definition, I am third wheeling. Not good. And although I’m happy for my friend, that makes me feel a little weird about hanging out with both of them anymore. Also, even though I’ve come to terms with being rejected, it really sucks to hang with her at the bar and flirting with, or even wanting to go home with other guys. I feel like I’m putting myself in a very bad position here. It just feels bad after being rejected, to hear about other guys securing the pvssy in like an hour. Idk if this is accurate, but it feels like she’s telling me I’m not enough while other guys are.

This is more nuanced than a one-itis case, I think. Because if you know me, you know that I go out to cold approach women nearly every weekend. I have successes that I can point to in my approach journal. But just because I have those successes to point to doesn’t change the way that I’m feeling about this. Maybe the issue is that I’m missing some kind of deep emotional connection that I’m not getting from my approaches? Idk.

So the main question here is, what actionable steps can I take to resolve this sticky situation that I’ve found myself in? I can see this going one of two ways.

One, just don’t even fvcking worry about it. Just keep that relationship around for emotional support, and continue to go out every weekend, and cold approach/meet women who are interested in me. It is what it is.

Two, back off from her, my other friend, or both, since this is such a sticky situation. I suppose this would stop the emotions I’m feeling, but I think that I would feel bad about this and miss them. I actually tried to go No Contact on her, but I ended up cracking. Why I’m feeling this attachment to a woman I’m not even sexually involved with, I have no clue. It also doesn’t make sense why I felt a void when I tried to go NC, even though I hang out with friends and meet new women every single weekend.

Sorry if this thread is a bit of a re-tread. I’m just not sure what the correct answer is, and I needed to get this off my chest since this came up again yesterday. Wanted to put this on here. Thoughts appreciated.

What you prefer. Real mode? Or soft mode? Please dont get mad at me bro I am just gonna be dead honest.

The real problem is that you actually look down upon her. You didn't always did that, (especially when she was married you was jealous) but when you found iut she "went in a rampage " you wanted a piece of azz too. (And you see her husband was right all along and "contained " the h0e within her)

Despite this you tried the proven failing way if getting close to "be her shoulder to cry on". Well, you see how that ended..

Meanwhile literally every man and his brother know she AINT SHYTE. This is why you should NEVER befriend a woman unless she provides you p00sy or money. Preferably the latter.

I can ramble for hours bro. If you are indeed C approaching whats the issue? This woman is a h0e. Those others too. I dont buy that you're cold approaching every week if yous so stuck on this actually simplistic 304.

You should NEVER again in your damn life befriend a woman again. Because you are like me: we are NOT build for this. We assume women will think with their brains right? And see "the value " we add to her life.

Learn this lesson. Oh and one more thing. Two actually dont EVER mingle professional work with personal pleasure . And that's coming from a musician/frontman And dont stop hanging with your homie,(thats just a bytche move) BUt DO STOP hanging with HER. Its over. No mas. Dont mans-plain why and yadiya. Just delete her nr and forget about her starting.........

.3 2 1 NOW.


Feel free to make it a scuffle, read through my past post and find my flaws so you can roast me back and make it about me as it usually happens when I'm trying to help yall with the uncut truth..

 

[johnrambo]

Since that divorce, and around the time I got rejected, she’s been going on an absolute rampage. If I had to estimate, I’d say that she’s been with 10-12 different guys since that divorce?

How old is this oneitis? I guess she's in her late 30s to mid 40s, going through a midlife crisis, hence the c0ck carousel riding. She's trying to validate herself with body counts.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

Maybe your ego is over invested in how you wish to be seen. You're not going to fukk every girl you meet. We all know this when we approach and get turned down. But you know this girl well, and you know some people she's fukked, so the ego doesn't want to accept the rejection because it puts you outside of a group.

I don't think it's bad that you're friends with this girl or even that you deep down would bang her if given the chance. No need to call it oneitis. Keep it simple, it's called attraction. Nothing wrong with it and sometimes friends DO fukk.

Personally when this happens to me I don't sweat it. If a girl rejects me she's within her rights and it's no hard feelings on my end. If she wants to continue being "friends" (hang out socially) that's cool. OP as long as you are doing approaches and getting laid who cares. If she is a cool chick she will wing you or even throw a girl or two your way. Look at it like she is orbiting YOU.

On the other hand if you just need a break and space then yeah, you can put her on ice. For me this whole "game" is all about me being 100% the most authentic version of me, no self-delusion. That means chicks (among other people) can get on the trolley if they want. I'm doing me.

Look at the bright side, you took your shot. Most guys wouldn't even do that. Bottom line is she still knows you're high value, I wouldn't sweat any of this other than being careful not to alienate your male friend.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

First, don't feel bad that you have a weak spot for this chick. I think if a lot of us were honest, we would admit there is always that one chick in our lives that no matter how toxic and how much sh1t they put us in we feel this pull towards her. I still routinely run into one of my exes who is an attorney. I have never put myself in a situation where anything could happen, but as the time as grown since our relationship she has become more and more friendly again towards me. I know that if she and I were out at night grabbing a drink just the two of us (something she would likely be open to at this point), that something could easily happen. Hence why I don't even put myself there to begin with. But I know I would have a lot of trouble saying no to her if she came on strong in that situation because there IS a part of me, despite all the bad sh1t she brings to the table, that finds her extremely attractive - and not just because of her looks.

You have to have some control over your urges. If you know this woman is going to elicit this kind of response out of you, you have to be strong enough to say no to anything. Clearly, she loves the attention from you. Her coming back into your life is already putting you in a bad head space. What does that tell you? Cut this off now before you get yourself deeper and deeper.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Out of the scope of this thread, but tbh I do miss having a purpose. While I am building my dream life atm, my current life consists of:
Survive work during the week and make it to the weekend -> Do what I want on the weekends -> Do it all over again

I think you misunderstand what I mean by purpose; this is in reference to how you spend your free time, not how you make a living necessarily, if you have free time, you don't have a purpose... Free time is where all these emotional thoughts are given an open door to enter your life, you must eliminate all free time in your life.

 

[Gamisch]

OP,

First, don't feel bad that you have a weak spot for this chick. I think if a lot of us were honest, we would admit there is always that one chick in our lives that no matter how toxic and how much sh1t they put us in we feel this pull towards her. I still routinely run into one of my exes who is an attorney. I have never put myself in a situation where anything could happen, but as the time as grown since our relationship she has become more and more friendly again towards me. I know that if she and I were out at night grabbing a drink just the two of us (something she would likely be open to at this point), that something could easily happen. Hence why I don't even put myself there to begin with. But I know I would have a lot of trouble saying no to her if she came on strong in that situation because there IS a part of me, despite all the bad sh1t she brings to the table, that finds her extremely attractive - and not just because of her looks.

You have to have some control over your urges. If you know this woman is going to elicit this kind of response out of you, you have to be strong enough to say no to anything. Clearly, she loves the attention from you. Her coming back into your life is already putting you in a bad head space. What does that tell you? Cut this off now before you get yourself deeper and deeper.

You know what doesn't feel right? (And I'm guessing that OP feels the same);

At very least let "that woman " be one you sleep or slept with. It's doesn't feels good when the love of your life was a woman who always kept you in the fiendzome while she got passed around by everyone and his brother(literally).

I know you are compassionate, bu I'm just saying.