Obsession...please help...

[Big-J]

F*ck dude, is it really THAT HARD to move on with your life?

Here's what you do:

#1. Get your head out of her ass.

#2. Instead of making a plan to "bump" into her, make a plan to go find another girl to bump into instead of her.

#3. Go get Laid .

#4. Repeat processes 1 through 2 if you can't get to #3 to get to #3. Do it another 3 times, and call me if it does nothing.

 

[BGMan]

Yeah, well, it can be difficult getting over an obsession or a one-itis. I've been there too, and believe me, it's a big fat pain in the keister.

Dave, she probably lost interest in you after the third date, but for that to happen, she didn't have very high interest in you even for the first date. This happened to me too; in one case, that is, I was the one who lost interest in the girl! She still hasn't gotten over me, but at least she is seeing other guys (I think...).

It's tough, but you must force yourself to tear the memories of her from your brain and heart and start going after other women. I'm sure there are others where you live. There always are other women there for you (unless you live in a one-horse town or something).

This one girl strung me along for over a year; turned out she had a boyfriend (I found out from a third party). In the meantime, I forced myself to see other women. The fifth girl I went out with this school year (just last week) was a real HB (blonde, tall, slender and shapely, 9 face) who really seems to dig me.

Remember, the best cure for a woman is another woman!

BGMan

 

[Ubermensch]

The real mistake you made ...

is that you asked her out again, instead of saying "you're right, you *are* a horrible person," and leaving it at that.

The only way to get closure is to call them on their crap, or break off all contact at the first flake-out. Make *her* be the one who wants closure!

Live and learn. Eventually you'll develop better habits. Trust me on this one.

 

[drZaius09]

Originally posted by Starman
DO NOT ask for closure. Women will not give this to you, because in their puny little minds, they have no idea the torment they might be causing in your head.

The problem is their egos are so bloated beyond the point of salvation that they believe if they reject you then you will never be able to face the world again. Pure self-importance run amok. Probably owed to the fact that a nation full of chumps have been licking their a$$holes since the day they sprouted A-cups.

I don't know why you would want to have this girl in your life (except for your own ego and avoiding rejection)

So true. This girl is clearly not worthy of your time or attention. It would be foolish not to recognize that their are millions more exactly like her that may be.

I told you..you have some internal issues about self worth, self esteem, rejection that has nothing to do with this girl that you need to deal with. (Im pretty sure you have felt this miserable about other girls in your past..and it will keep happening with future girls)

You are right. And this is quality advice. But it still doesn't excuse this girl's behavior. It seems to be the modus operandi these days for girls to think and act as if they are the president's f*cking daughter and totally exempt to the standards of a civilized society.

 

[Starman]

drZaius

I say if it makes him feel better and gain closure by cutting the wench down and shattering her ego..then thats fine.

But rejection is a part of life..and you will encounter it 1000 times in your life..are you going to tell off every person that rejects you?

and why give her the satisfaction to know that she touched your life so much that you are angry and heartbroken?

I say the cruelest punishment is indifference..not giving a sh1t ..can you imagine the girl thinking

"God! I blew this guy off/rejected him..and he didnt even care or even blink?? whats wrong with me ???"

 

[BGMan]

Originally posted by Starman
and why give her the satisfaction to know that she touched your life so much that you are angry and heartbroken?

I say the cruelest punishment is indifference..not giving a sh1t ..can you imagine the girl thinking

"God! I blew this guy off/rejected him..and he didnt even care or even blink?? whats wrong with me ???"

Amen to that, bro! That's how I'm dealing with my own case, and she doesn't seem to be taking it too well (a few weeks ago she even broke down and told me to not "assume anything", apparently about her having a boyfriend). Payback is a b!tch!

BGMan

 

[USSOCOM]

LISTEN!!, this is NO big deal at all. Its a simple game, but you have to know how to play it... Here's what shes doing. She feels smothered and is backing off a little..... and if you want to continue in a relationship with this girl YOU have to PULLBACK more than she does... let HER wonder. I would suggest that you keep yourself busy with other prospective girls, but the KEY is to back off. If she initiates you make yourself busy that time, let HER wonder if YOU are losing interest.

 

[Starman]

hahhaah I remember the "dont assume anything" chick

 

[davelmn2003]

Hey thanks for all the comments thus far!

This is a HB, and I admit I lost my cool. When she first approached me I was dancing in a club, not caring about a thing in the world, and she (and my other female friends) actually told me that I looked like a guy who liked to have fun and that was attractive. But the problem is that I'm normally not that kind of a person. I do have some problems of self-esteem. The reason why I got on the forums here in the first place was to gain some knowledge--but too late, I should have learned before I started going out. I put her on the pedestal and told her I liked her (though only after she pulled back--of course, I didn't know that women do this stupid pull-back act at that time otherwise I'd have waited). Darn, I blew this thing. I should have played it cool. All the movies show the passionate guys going after girls and girls are moved by that, but in reality, they like the cool guys...

When I look back on the effusive e-mails I wrote her I feel so stupid! To be sure, those were truly heart-felt e-mails, but you mustn't let her know that you like her that much.

Rarely does a HB like her take the initiative to hit on me. I guess that's why I lost my cool. I should imagine her as one of those ugly girls who're into you and whom you want to avoid...that's how I should have handled the situation. My personal feeling is that you have to be a DJ to get the girl, but once both of you are in a secure relationship, then you can start to be a romantic AFC...

 

[cynetix]

The cold hard truth

She was interested in you.

YOU are the one with the one-itis who started obsessing.

YOU are the one who freaked out when she stopped contacting you.

YOU are the one whose mind started racing trying to "figure out" why she was ignoring you (when the reason could have been perfectly sensible).

YOU are the one who started calling her overly frequently.

YOU are the one who freaked her out by your desperate and seemingly controlling behavior (even if it was as simple as phone calls).

YOU are the one who didn't get the hint to move on and kept pursuing*.

YOU are the one who felt like you needed more time with her.

YOU are the one who arranged YOUR LIFE AROUND HER to arrange to bump into her, etc., while knowing that it was not a worthwhile endeavor.

YOU are the one who needed your ego redeemed because you took rejection to heart.

YOU are the one who put even more control in her hands by asking her for a date**.

YOU are the one who, in your words, "haven't been able to control myself..."

YOU are the one who ended this relationship.

I'm sorry.

--

(* We'll let this one slide because picking up chick signs can sometimes be difficult for even the most seasoned of DJs.
(** Which might have made for an awkward situation. In all fairness, being assertive in this situation would not have landed you the girl for good, but it's still worthwhile to point out.)

It is not her fault***, and I seriously doubt she is a horrible person. If you resolve this "obsession" by placing full blame on her, you are deluding yourself. Misogyny is not the answer. Hate me, instead, for telling you what you really need to hear. My words may sting harshly. But I have more, and I encourage you to read on.

YOU are the only one who can cure "obsession."

Only YOU can understand you two are not right for each other.

Only YOU can reap the benefits of the saying, "motion creates emotion." The things you can do to move on are also the most simple and concrete: study, work, play, meet other women.

Only YOU can turn this all around. It is not a failure but a SUCCESS.

--

Stop looking to HER for closure. She cannot offer you closure. You can only find it within. My words may sound absolutely fücking cheesy, but they are true. Don't take it out on her if you are the one who can't get over it.

***She and women like her are not really blamable. In fact, I would probably do some of the things she did in some of those situations, even without genders reversed. With gender reversal I give her even greater leeway because chicks can be more timid and non-confrontational and there's really no use in complaining or calling her names (like 75% of the posters above have been doing) about it because that's just the way it is; and anyway, if you pick a chick with those certain non-confrontational personality traits (which, hey, might be attractive to you) you are the one who has chosen.

--

You're the fücking man, davel, because you took a shìtload of risks. All of us here have taken similar risks and gotten burned in a similar fashion. That's how you learn. That's how you live.

I wish you all the best,

cynetix

 

[cynetix]

YEAH!

You hit the fücking nail on the head 14 minutes before I posted!

Good job man...if you ever visit the bay area, lemme know--I'll buy you a beer!

cynetix

 

[davelmn2003]

Cynetic, thanks for your honest comments. Suddenly, I came to this realization of the situation, and everything seems crystal clear to me now. I actually kind of knew what I did was absolutely AFC and would cause me to lose her, but at that moment I lost control of myself. I KNEW what I was doing would scare her away but I did it anyway...

it all seems so clear now, but, alas, it's all too late for this girl...For all the AFCs out there, please, here is another bad example. I still like the "nice guys" in the world, I think they are the truly human and romantic beings, but you cannot show that side of you just yet...

 

[Starman]

you didnt lose her..she lost you.

 

[Santos]

Oneitis, I've been there too dave. This girl even liked me but AFC behaviour turned her off.

My oneitis cut contact off with me after I started getting neurotic about everything she did\didn't do. What made things worse was that we HAVE to see each other three times a week (at univeristy) because we are doing a project together over the whole year. (in a group of 5 ppl). She started ignoring me after I panicked over stupid stuff and it hurt me badly. I couldn't sleep at night, I lost 5 kilograms. I was worried she might turn the project group against me.

I actually started feeling very depressed and often felt I no longer wanted to live. I told myself it wasn't about her rejecting me and that she was I a b!tch. I told myself the reason I didn't want to live anymore is because my life had no meaning, and I was failing my studies.

Eventually I admitted to myself that I still liked her, that she wasn't a b!tch and that I was just handling the rejection badly. I never got the closure I wanted. But admitting to myself that I took the rejection badly and realising that it didn't mean that no woman would ever want me helped me to feel better.

Here's how to get over oneitis/obsession:

1. Allow yourself to feel sad for a while. But you must get back on your feet soon. Realise that this rejection is one of many you (and everyone else here) will face. It's a fact of life. Sh!t happens. There are plenty of attractive women out there who want you - don't dwell on the ones that don't.

2. Try your best to not think negativle about yourself. Think positive.

3. You may not be able to control your THOUGHTS but you CAN control your ACTIONS. Do NOT try and get hold of her again. It is crucial for your own development as a DJ that you break off contact with her.

4. Keep yourself busy, hang out with your friends. Play golf. Try to keep your mind occupied. You will find that although you think about her a hell of a lot now, with time you will think about her less.

5. Go date other women.

 

[Ubermensch]

Yeah, it's hard

It's hard when you make a mistake to just write the whole damn thing off and pull away, but that's what you gotta do.

It's important to pull away quickly when things go sour. This ain't baseball: it's one strike and you're out in this game. Sometimes even one foul ball and you're out!

I, too, would rather a gal just tell me to p1ss off and die than simply ignore me.

But it can only damage your reputation to prod them into doing so.

The only real way to straighten things out is to change, and let the old memory cells that held that gal get overwritten. A few suceesses will improve your self-opinion -- even if "success" is just handling a rejection, pullback, or test better.

Such learning experiences suck, but they're a part of life. The first step to changing is identification of the problem.

Here's an ugly lesson I've just learned: be careful not to overcompensate, i.e., play too hard-to-get. That's the ugly flip side, and recently lost me a couple very high-interest gals.

But if you do lose a high-interest gal by playing too hard-to-get, don't try to compensate by showering her with interest to win her back. It just doesn't work that way. Better to just realize you had your one strike and you're out, and leave her to think of you as a game-playing jerk. At most, leave one dignified message with a brief apology that you didn't call sooner or whatever applies, and leave it at that.

 

[Starman]

Santos Clause,

your method of getting over oneitus is pretty good..its similar to the grieving stages of death

denial (is she playing hard to get? she smiled at me THAT has to count for something)

bargaining (OK I will lay off for a while, I will do anything it takes to get her interested again, Please God!! Just this one time!!)

anger (That fvcking B1tch! who does she think she is??)

Depression (this sucks..if she doesnt want me no one else will..might as well kill myself)

then

Acceptance (ok maybe she wasnt such a b1tch..it just wasnt meant to be..and there are lots of gorgeous OTHER women out there)

 

[MacAvoy]

Re: The real mistake you made ...

Originally posted by Ubermensch
is that you asked her out again, instead of saying "you're right, you *are* a horrible person," and leaving it at that.

When she started to pull back you had 2 choices:

A) Bust her chops more like Uber is suggesting

or

B) Pull back yourself and play the game like everyone else is mentioning.

Originally posted by Ubermensch

The reason why I got on the forums here in the first place was to gain some knowledge--but too late, I should have learned before I started going out. ....Darn, I blew this thing. I should have played it cool.

It may be too late for her but don't fret over it. Consider her practice, at least you learned a very valuable lesson from her. Think of this as a positive learning experience on the road to a lot more HBs and NOT as the one you lost and you will move on that much quicker.