Obsession...please help...

[davelmn2003]

A number of you might have recognized my name, but I haven't been here for a little while. I apologize in advance if I rant...

I have a major problem letting go of this girl. I can't concentrate on my work. I think I'm obsessed with her. I'm not a psycho, mind you, but I absolutely hate it when girls just shut me out without giving me a reason or a chance to talk to them. I would feel better if they just told me "I don't want to hang out with you".

Actually this is sort of what this girl has been signaling to me. But on our three dates together we had fun and she seemed very interested in me too. I still can't figure out why...and that's the part that bothers me. I mean, we kiss-closed on every date, and in fact we had long kisses and held hands. And the last time we saw each other (which was about 20 days ago), she said I was handsome and all that. And her friend was asking if we had had sex etc (we didn't). Then everything just went south for no reason that I could think of! I did call her frequent calls (without being able to reach her), but while that's the problem, that still doesn't explain why she would ignore me in the first place...

I confess, I haven't been able to control myself, and I still try to ask her out. Last week I arranged to "bump" into her. I asked if she had plans for the weekend, she told me about her plans for Friday and Saturday and she told me she had no plans for Sunday. So I said I could make plans...anyway she agreed that we could go on a date on Sunday. Saturday, I received a short e-mail (without subject heading) from her, saying that "unfortunately" she had to cancel our date and that she was a horrible person, sorry...that kind of thing. I didn't respond to her for about 5 days. Last night I e-mailed her and asked her to come over to my place and have something to eat and drink. I actually knew that it was a long-lost cause, but I just couldn't help myself...

I'm sorry this is such a long, boring story, but I really need real help to get her out of my mind. Everytime I got a rejection or busy signal I told myself it was going to be last time I contact this girl, but I always winded up giving her the benefit of a doubt...I'm deceiving myself. If anyone's in the same situation or used to be the same situation, please give me some real help.... I really appreciate it!

 

[Oscar Wilde]

My take on it is to take her at her word: she is a horrible person! She's a complete bitch who has no respect for you, otherwise she would have talked to you about things. Move on. Start thinking of her as someone who is not nice to you. Like, what if she wasn't a good looking girl, just some guy you kinda know, who starts treating you with no respect? Would you try be friends with that person? Why's it different cos she's a girl?

Osc.

 

[Jeremymichael]

she is guttless, like many women

 

[Starman]

doohooood,

you invited a girl over to your house with an Email? why didnt you just ask for sex through email too?

#1 Ive been in your shoes..not being able to get a lousy chick out of my mind.

#2 She probably picked up on the vibe that you like her wayyy too much. Holding hands either makes or breaks a deal. If she REAALLLLLY likes you holding hands is a plus. If she is unsure..Holding hands makes you look like you are too easy.

#3 forget the bullsh1t. This is about YOU. You are feeling rejected, low, depressed, because you are using this chick as a drug to make you feel good about yourself. If she doesnt accept you, you can't accept your self and what you're worth.

Go pick up the book "obsessive love"

http://www.sosuave.com/vBulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=27810

and

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...889422?v=glance&s=books&vi=reader#reader-link
this will help you GUARANTEED..

 

[echo1212]

One thing I do have a problem with is why it seems so prevalent on here that if a girl doesnt find you attractive or interesting after one date or even multiple dates, that she is a horrible person, psycho, beeotch, whatever. Why cant she just not find you attractive enough-TO HER-to date? I mean a person should not be obligated to date someone just so the guy doesnt get upset over it. How many times have you gone out with someone, not wanted to date them again for whatever reason, and then either ignored her or told her in so many words that your just not interested in dating that girl. Now I doubt if you consider yourself a "horrible" person because you made that choice-which is totally understandable and not being a ******* in anyway, your just making a choice to make yourself happy. Something to think about....

 

[Starman]

because we are DJ's..each others wingmen...and if a chick makes a fellow brotha feel like sh1t..she is a horrible byatch

 

[echo1212]

See, but in my opinion, being that way is not DJ. That is psycho.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

tbh I don't think in this case that she's a bitch, but she was rude and disrespectful. However, seeing as the orig poster is trying to get her out of his mind I suggest that he take her statement at face value.

 

[drZaius09]

Echo, I don't think the issue is whether the girl actually likes him or not. I've been through this sh1t before, the real problem here is a total lack of civility/decency by the women in question. It's as simple as telling someone that you don't like them or don't want to see them anymore or whatever; rather than hiding behind an answering machine and ignoring them. I think, like the rest of us, dave just wants to be treated like a human being. After taking this girl out and spending his hard earned money on her, that's the least she can do in return. It all comes down to closure. Kind of like missing people who never turn up; their families, I'm sure, would feel a lot better if a body was found so they could give the person a proper burial, as opposed to never knowing what happened to them.

 

[Ded_Skin_Mask13]

what a kunt.

 

[WatchMeWalk]

Yeah, I've been through this shiat. Girl starts out all amiable and warm and without warning, gives you the Ice Queen treatment.

That's the Modus Operandi of the high maintenance HB. Whatever you do, davelman, DO NOT TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF HER INSANE BEHAVIOR. Girls like her are overburdened with emotional baggage and insecurity.
Even if you did stay on her good side, she would have kicked you to the curb the instant she met someone seemingly better, and probably let you hang around as a pet ego-booster afterwards.

IMO, hot/cold HBs are worse than full-time Ice Queens. At least the latter show some concern for your emotional well-being by never giving you false hope.

 

[WestCoaster]

Wow, I'm going through the exact same thing right now. I call it the pullback. I think Allen Thompson or the DJ Bible had something on the pullback -- that it occurs about 95 to 100 percent of the time -- usually within two weeks of the start up of a potential relationship, but it can occur at other times.

Pullback is this: Women who were romantically interested who then retreat after intimacy appears on the horizon. There's no logic to it; it's completely female driven and it happens almost every time. Trust me, most of my married friends had this occur with their then-fiances. It's a given, a slam dunk, it will happen.

In the past, in my AFC days, I panicked (and to be honest, I'm panicking a little now, but only on the inside), called a girl too much, phoned too much, went back into attack mode. Every time I did this I lost the girl.

The best chance you have, believe it or not, is to lay off for awhile, be a DJ to the fullest. Work on yourself, don't call, write, e-mail, or anything for awhile. This is the tough part, maintaining some sense of control during the pullback. It's one of the toughest things a DJ can do.

But do it. Pull back yourself. Give the needed "space" that she craves. Female pullback is stupid, but inevitable. Pull back yourself and she'll most likely come back, and you'll be a better man for it.

 

[davelmn2003]

thanks for all the comments so far...

Yes, all I want is closure. I want to know what happened. All I want is to be treated like a human being, without this girl hiding behind her e-mails, answering machines, friends!! If she thinks things are going too fast, then tell me. If she doesn't want to go out with me, tell me.

And who invented all these f*king answering machines and phone screening? These are for losers who don't have the guts to tell people what they really think or those who don't have what it takes to face people directly. Girls would have you deal with the machines instead. It is this depersonalizing and alienating experience that I'm reacting against.

By the way, one advice to other AFC's like me, never give your e-mail address to your girl or ask for her e-mail. They'll send you an e-mail and cancel your date. She would never have to deal directly with you and you'd never be able to reach her.

If I walk away from this now, having been such an AFC, do you think she would a) thank goodness that I finally let go of her and stop bothering her OR b) wonder why I stop and perhaps crave for my attention?

 

[Starman]

I think the pullback you guys talk about..is the element of challenge..and being a "man" ..read the original post

"and that's the part that bothers me. I mean, we kiss-closed on every date, and in fact we had long kisses and held hands. And the last time we saw each other (which was about 20 days ago), she said I was handsome and all that. And her friend was asking if we had had sex etc (we didn't)"

Does that sound like DJ behavior to you?

#1 I would never hold a (new) chicks hand..and if I do..it would be just a "tease" a quick 10 second hold..then a "pullback"..to let her have a taste of things to come if she played her cards right

#2 3rd date? Kissing close? Women are sexual beings..and want guys who can be MEN and not hide their sexuality/desire..and move in on them, without being the "ohh so romantic polite puppy dog eyes" that doesnt want to "blow" it with the chick if he went further than a "kiss close"

Sure, its the gentlemanly thing to do not to grope/maul a girl..but do you see gentlemen getting laid?

women get CONNECTED to guys who have sex with them, after you have sex..you cant get rid of them!

#3 the tone of the original post is about obsession/desperation..do you think in real life interaction with her..she didnt pick up on this?

sure she thought you were handsome..and looked at you as a potential mate..but you got LJBF'ed .. and it seems like she didnt wanna hurt your feelings..by saying "Im a horrible person"

The old "Its me, not you" excuse.

 

[davelmn2003]

Starman, actually on our third date I went further and actually touched her breasts and legs without encountering resistance, so I asked to go to her room (we were on her couch and her friend was around--though not in sight)...and she said no. I suggested my place, which is 5-6 blocks away, and she said that required walking... So I just went on kissing...I couldn't do otherwise.

Since she's apologizing and saying she's a "horrible person" and all that...is there any chance that if I just stop contacting her she would come back for more?

 

[PANK]

BEEN there soooooooooooooooo many times it is horable i know what i used to do is just ask one last time of course knowing it was a lost cause just to get everything off my chest so there was no more what if etc. Delete her e mail and phone number and everymeans possible of contact forever.Throw away eveything that you have a connection with her and never ever see her again if you do ignore her it gets easier i promise.

 

[Howie Farkes]

...all I want is closure. I want to know what happened.

This is something you will never get. Well, maybe you'll get closure - some girls are decent enough to actually tell you "I don't think things are working out between us" after you've been on a couple of dates. But she will never let you know what happened.

BTW. Don't ask her what happened. I did this once. The girl not only answered me with complete silence, I completely regretted it about 3 seconds later when I realised what a pvssy I must have sounded like.

This is tough love but... it sucks, deal with it, go date someone else. You can create your own closure by forgetting about her. OK, I know that's easier said than done, but trust me - trust this site - and believe me when I say it gets easier to avoid obsessing over girls when you start dating more and more of 'em. The more contact you have with them the less "special" you'll realise they are.

 

[Howie Farkes]

If I walk away from this now, having been such an AFC, do you think she would a) thank goodness that I finally let go of her and stop bothering her OR b) wonder why I stop and perhaps crave for my attention?

My money's on a) thank goodness you've stopped bothering her.

When a girl digs you, getting in contact with her and setting up dates is ridiculously easy. Conversely when it starts to get difficult her IL has usually dropped past the point of no return. (Well that's my experience)

 

[WestCoaster]

She'll return if you play your cards right

My post on pullback also doesn't talk about what happens later and that is the return of the gal. It's not a given, but it often happens. First you have to leave her alone and this is crucial, date other women. It's real critical.

I was interested in a gal this year who was engaged (and didn't tell me). Once she did tell me I put her on the shelf and totally forgot about her. The engagement didn't work out and in time we got together. (Unfortunately she's doing pullback right now.)

You have to wait big time for the pullback to be a comeback. Women often return, but on their own time. Don't rush it, act like it didn't bother you even if it did, date others, and if by chance you see her, be real confident, smile and show that you are happy with or without her. You'll do fine if you do this.

 

[Starman]

Dave,

When she said "Im a horrible person" she meant to say "Its not going to work out between us, Im sorry I strung you along, you're a great guy, and I feel bad for doing this, I hope you don't blame yourself...and move on"

DO NOT ask for closure. Women will not give this to you, because in their puny little minds, they have no idea the torment they might be causing in your head.

and they dont want to face the guilt for making you feel bad..

so WHATEVER the reason

#1 SHE will not give you closure..

#2 if you beg for closure..she will LIE to you so she wont hurt your feelings

#3 If you ask for closure..she will think you are a girly man, and this little "fling" meant waaaaaay more to you than it did to her.


I don't know why you would want to have this girl in your life (except for your own ego and avoiding rejection)

but if you want to attempt to get her back..just back off for a little bit..act like you dont give a sh1t(eventually u wont)...and let her come to you

stop being such a whiny, clingy, dependant crybaby

I told you..you have some internal issues about self worth, self esteem, rejection that has nothing to do with this girl that you need to deal with. (Im pretty sure you have felt this miserable about other girls in your past..and it will keep happening with future girls)

Buy those books I told you about. and HELP Yourself.