Buckle up boys, it’s gonna be a long one. I need help. By help I mean a collective voice of reason from men with battle scars. I have to get this out and I can’t do it with family or friends because they’re all too biased and what I’m about to say will be offensive. Kindly allow me to begin with some backstory.
I have a huge chip on my shoulder. Girls didn’t like me growing up. I was this skinny wimpy kid and the only white kid in essentially an all-black school. High school saw some improvements – some. I’m not racist by any means but I want to paint a picture. I dearly love and respect any contributor to society. I got bullied – badly. Not as bad as it could have been, but sufficient for me to strive for change.
Funny coming from a Russian immigrant yes? Mom and dad – the divorced angels they are – just don’t cut it anymore. You must understand, they are from the Soviet era and I’m the 21st century legacy. No one close to me understands the challenges I face. To be fair, my challenges on a day to day basis are minute. They are almost exclusively inside my head.
Around 17 I picked up weights and never looked back. I was tired of getting ****ed with. To this day I’m in great shape because it’s part of who I want to be. I went off the beaten path a few times but I always came back and I’m better, faster, stronger now than ever. Yet something is massively amiss. Let’s backtrack 5 years.
I met a girl. Quite the specimen – a solid 8 on her worst morning – and we have a son together. A blessing without doubt and she wanted to marry. Through my (in)action I turned it down. Massive personality clash; it just didn’t sit well with me. I voluntarily gave up the American Dream. 11 months and 9k in legal fees later we’ve come to terms.
That was 5 years ago. FIVE. I finally got my **** together. I’m 35 and I was living recklessly. I now have a solid career at a mid-sized software company. I’ve been a homeowner for a decade now. I’m going to bring in at least 75k this year in the Midwest, where my general monthly expenses (including mortgage) do not exceed 2k. Even with child support, things are looking fine. Financially, I’m on the “up and up”. I invest at least 10% and I will be debt-free by Fall of this year. I get that this is #1 for a man of my age. But here’s where things go sideways.
I’m afraid of dating. Seriously. If you ran into me on the street you wouldn’t believe it. But I have this anxiety of getting back in the game. I’m not a newcomer by any stretch of the imagination. I’m well versed in Rollo, Roissy, Neil et al – a bit old school if you will. While I’m not quite at triple digits, I have well over 50 notches on the belt – which can become quite disheartening when you begin to see patterns. By anxiety I mean I’ve asked women and they said yes and then I effectively said no. I’m building an empire for the first time in my life and I don’t want to screw it up.
I have (almost) taken my journey to its endgame and I wasn’t very happy with the potential outcome. I hesitate to affiliate myself with MGTOW but I can see some of the merits. It’s hard for me to accept the proposition of marriage. So yea, I’m going to get ripped by Summer and do the dating app dance, but what is the meaning to be derived from all this? Is it really just propagation of the species or is there something more?
Is the 21st century really a pump-and-dump society? Part of me wants the deep-rooted affection that comes with building a relationship, but the evidence I see day in and out has proven contrary without fail. What are we to do (beyond controlling our controllables)?
I have a huge chip on my shoulder. Girls didn’t like me growing up. I was this skinny wimpy kid and the only white kid in essentially an all-black school. High school saw some improvements – some. I’m not racist by any means but I want to paint a picture. I dearly love and respect any contributor to society. I got bullied – badly. Not as bad as it could have been, but sufficient for me to strive for change.
Funny coming from a Russian immigrant yes? Mom and dad – the divorced angels they are – just don’t cut it anymore. You must understand, they are from the Soviet era and I’m the 21st century legacy. No one close to me understands the challenges I face. To be fair, my challenges on a day to day basis are minute. They are almost exclusively inside my head.
Around 17 I picked up weights and never looked back. I was tired of getting ****ed with. To this day I’m in great shape because it’s part of who I want to be. I went off the beaten path a few times but I always came back and I’m better, faster, stronger now than ever. Yet something is massively amiss. Let’s backtrack 5 years.
I met a girl. Quite the specimen – a solid 8 on her worst morning – and we have a son together. A blessing without doubt and she wanted to marry. Through my (in)action I turned it down. Massive personality clash; it just didn’t sit well with me. I voluntarily gave up the American Dream. 11 months and 9k in legal fees later we’ve come to terms.
That was 5 years ago. FIVE. I finally got my **** together. I’m 35 and I was living recklessly. I now have a solid career at a mid-sized software company. I’ve been a homeowner for a decade now. I’m going to bring in at least 75k this year in the Midwest, where my general monthly expenses (including mortgage) do not exceed 2k. Even with child support, things are looking fine. Financially, I’m on the “up and up”. I invest at least 10% and I will be debt-free by Fall of this year. I get that this is #1 for a man of my age. But here’s where things go sideways.
I’m afraid of dating. Seriously. If you ran into me on the street you wouldn’t believe it. But I have this anxiety of getting back in the game. I’m not a newcomer by any stretch of the imagination. I’m well versed in Rollo, Roissy, Neil et al – a bit old school if you will. While I’m not quite at triple digits, I have well over 50 notches on the belt – which can become quite disheartening when you begin to see patterns. By anxiety I mean I’ve asked women and they said yes and then I effectively said no. I’m building an empire for the first time in my life and I don’t want to screw it up.
I have (almost) taken my journey to its endgame and I wasn’t very happy with the potential outcome. I hesitate to affiliate myself with MGTOW but I can see some of the merits. It’s hard for me to accept the proposition of marriage. So yea, I’m going to get ripped by Summer and do the dating app dance, but what is the meaning to be derived from all this? Is it really just propagation of the species or is there something more?
Is the 21st century really a pump-and-dump society? Part of me wants the deep-rooted affection that comes with building a relationship, but the evidence I see day in and out has proven contrary without fail. What are we to do (beyond controlling our controllables)?
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