Not wanting to go on a date because it would cause roumors to spread

[Prodoge]

In context, There is this girl who regularly hangs out with my close social circle. about a year a go she had a 6 month relationship with one of the guys. And now when we hang out and she comes over, they never talk to each other and it sometimes became a little awkward. A couple of weeks ago she came out of a relationship of about 4 months with a guy who is not in my social circle. While she was with this guy we barely saw her.

Last w-e she came over where we hang out and I had a conversation about various topics with that lasted over an hour. This just a friendly conversation, flirting didn't even come into my mind at that point. However, it was the first time we had such a deep conversation even though we have known each other for a couple of years now.

Earlier this week, I decided to ask her out on a date to which she replied the equivalent of: "Talking about the date, this bothers me... I would like to go out with you, but on the other hand you know what it's going to be like: the two of us go have a couple of drinks together and all the rumours and trash talk will spread."

If it wasn't for what happened during the last 12 months, I would say it's a BS excuse not to go on the date. Because it would be easy to keep it under the radar.
On the other hand, all it needs is someone one of us knows to spot us and everybody will know.

I cant make my mind up if she is legit worried or just an excuse. In case of the latter I wont push any farther.

 

[Infern0]

If she liked you enough it wouldn't matter.

 

[Prodoge]

If she liked you enough it wouldn't matter.

Yeah that's what I thought after thinking about it. I probably should have done some flirting last time I saw her...

 

[Konada]

Problem is girls at his age are extremely malleable to social pressures from their circles.

While most of the time I'd say it takes a little persistance, OP has too much to lose if it turns out to be a subtle rejection.

Put her on the backburner and call her bluff, in the mean time look for other girls.

'Fair enough. If you ever change your mind, let me know '

 

[Prodoge]

While most of the time I'd say it takes a little persistance, OP has too much to lose if it turns out to be a subtle rejection.

What do you mean exactly with this? What do I have to lose ? Please elaborate

I actually replied to what she said with: "Well the other day I went for some drinks with someone and no one ever knew" (Which is true)
Her: "Lol seriously ! So naugty "
Me:"Well I managed to stay under radar once, I can do it again. Your choice!"
No response to that...

 

[Konada]

What do you mean exactly with this? What do I have to lose ? Please elaborate

I actually replied to what she said with: "Well the other day I went for some drinks with someone and no one ever knew" (Which is true)
Her: "Lol seriously ! So naugty "
Me:"Well I managed to stay under radar once, I can do it again. Your choice!"
No response to that...

Awkward moments in your social circle. Your texting was a fail here, she gave you an objection, you logically responded to it telling her that 'You don't kiss and tell', even if its true, the fact that you have to explicitly tell her instead of letting her imply it shows that you need her more than she needs you. Not attractive.

That's not to say she's not interested in going out with you, but you put yourself in a pretty weak position for any future opportunities with that exchange.

 

[Prodoge]

Awkward moments in your social circle. Your texting was a fail here, she gave you an objection, you logically responded to it telling her that 'You don't kiss and tell', even if its true, the fact that you have to explicitly tell her instead of letting her imply it shows that you need her more than she needs you. Not attractive.

That's not to say she's not interested in going out with you, but you put yourself in a pretty weak position for any future opportunities with that exchange.

Seriously? I thought making her belive that she is not the only girl I am interested in ATM would be a Good thing..

Because she hasn't replied to the last text, should i just leave it at that and see what happens, then next time she comes to hang out try get more intimate ?

 

[Fireballs]

Seriously? I thought making her belive that she is not the only girl I am interested in ATM would be a Good thing..

Because she hasn't replied to the last text, should i just leave it at that and see what happens, then next time she comes to hang out try get more intimate ?

You made the mistake of thinking girls respond to logic. They're wired differently from us..

I would have responded with something like -

Her: Blah blah if we go for a drink all these rumours will spread

You: I know right, we'll probably end up on the cover of TMZ

Either way she doesn't seem that interested..

 

[Prodoge]

You made the mistake of thinking girls respond to logic. They're wired differently from us..

I would have responded with something like -

Her: Blah blah if we go for a drink all these rumours will spread

You: I know right, we'll probably end up on the cover of TMZ

Either way she doesn't seem that interested..

I really need to practice creating attraction while talking..
As i was talking to her last w-e I didn't even consider trying anything since there were people we know all around us. In hindsight I probably should have tried something, like basic kino.

 

[marmel75]

Until you stop caring about every little thing so much you are going to find it difficult to get the success you want.

Too many people around...who cares.
Social circle might see us...who cares.
All these other reasons...who cares.

It only matters what you want, all the rest of the stuff is just nonsense that keeps you from getting it.

 

[Fireballs]

I really need to practice creating attraction while talking..
As i was talking to her last w-e I didn't even consider trying anything since there were people we know all around us. In hindsight I probably should have tried something, like basic kino.

You won't create attraction by staying in the land of logic and having 'deep' conversations. You need to be playful, tease her, touch her (I like to challenge girls to a thumb war to get the kino started)... If she asks if you want a drink, accuse her of trying to get you drunk...if she does something silly, tell her you're divorcing her..sh!t like that..don't take anything that comes out of her mouth seriously.. She doesn't give a sh!t what you say, she only cares how you make her feel.... Don't be like 95% of other guys and be boring.. Trigger those emotions..

P.s. Practise on all girls not just the hot ones and you'll find after awhile that it just becomes part of your personality..it will just roll off your tongue

 

[Prodoge]

Until you stop caring about every little thing so much you are going to find it difficult to get the success you want.

Too many people around...who cares.
Social circle might see us...who cares.
All these other reasons...who cares.

It only matters what you want, all the rest of the stuff is just nonsense that keeps you from getting it.

It's not the first time you have commented one of my posts and I see the pattern...
I need to learn to disconnect my brain in these moments, because that's where all the concerns come from.

The fact that I think of the things you stated while interacting, actively thinking should I try making a move or not, all this actually hinders me getting a connection with the person in front of me and stops things flowing naturally.

I swear, next time I talk to this girl or another I will unplug my brain from life support and just focus on what she is saying or simply admiring how beautiful she is and all the kino and escalation will come naturally. Even if the entire audience of the Euro final is watching.

 

[Prodoge]

You won't create attraction by staying in the land of logic and having 'deep' conversations. You need to be playful, tease her, touch her (I like to challenge girls to a thumb war to get the kino started)... If she asks if you want a drink, accuse her of trying to get you drunk...if she does something silly, tell her you're divorcing her..sh!t like that..don't take anything that comes out of her mouth seriously.. She doesn't give a sh!t what you say, she only cares how you make her feel.... Don't be like 95% of other guys and be boring.. Trigger those emotions..

P.s. Practise on all girls not just the hot ones and you'll find after awhile that it just becomes part of your personality..it will just roll off your tongue

Sure, but as i stated in my last reply, because I think of to many factors while having the conversation, i waste time doing that and end up not being playfull etc..

The thing is when I'm talking to peole I'm comfortable with, i tend to be sarcastic allot and making fun of many things that actually are not

 

[Yewki]

Me:"Well I managed to stay under radar once, I can do it again. Your choice!"
No response to that...

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of your frame cracking

 

[LiveYourDream]

Earlier this week, I decided to ask her out on a date to which she replied the equivalent of: "Talking about the date, this bothers me... I would like to go out with you, but on the other hand you know what it's going to be like: the two of us go have a couple of drinks together and all the rumours and trash talk will spread.

Female translation: I want to go out with you, but people will talk, will that be ok? Are you ok with that? (This was a woman looking to a man for reassurance that it will be ok.)

I actually replied to what she said with: "Well the other day I went for some drinks with someone and no one ever knew" (Which is true)
Her: "Lol seriously ! So naugty "
Me:"Well I managed to stay under radar once, I can do it again. Your choice!"
No response to that...

Her female perception of what you said: He's worried what other people think! Sometimes he hides women he goes out with. He's asking me out, offering we can hide together. I am suppose to feel flattered.

What you conveyed to this woman: I am worried what other people will think if they know I am seeing/fvcking you so I need to hide it.

What a woman wants to feel from a man: I think you are an amazing/beautiful woman and I am proud to be seen dating you, let others look at us all they want. I care more about being with you than what other people think.

The response she wanted: Life is too short to worry about what everyone else is thinking. All that matters is that you and I are enjoying ourselves. I'll pick you up at.... or I'll meet you at....

That would have offered her the male reassurance that her concern wasn't actually a problem. Without saying it you would convey that as the man are willing to stand in your social circle head held high, while seeing her, than so can she, as the woman you are seeing. In that stance you'd be leading strongly and offering her the opportunity to follow in a way that she feels taken care of. You'd convey that if someone were to comment, your centeredness and confidence and what you want is bigger than any outside opinion.

What you offered her instead was agreement (by default) rather than resolution. You essentially said her concern is valid so she should see people in hiding, but don't worry because you are willing to hide with her if she wants.

That's how a woman experiences these two scenarios/men. Which one do you suppose a woman wants to take her home and at some point fvck her? 1. The one who says who says I want to see/be with you (and fvck you so good) and what other people think isn't going to stop me. 2. The one who offers to hide with her and timidly (cause he's scared) try to fvck in secret.

On a primal level, women are keenly aware of the the sense of safety they feel from a man. It's primal. Women always, at least unconsciously, evaluate whether a man conveys strength/the capacity (and willingness) to protect her or if he conveys weakness/inability to protect her and maybe even himself.

I suspect the OP likely thought he was providing her a sense of safety in the context of their social circle, by being willing to be discreet with her. I have understand and have compassion. That would be logical to a man. To me, as a woman, that's not what was actually conveyed. The response conveyed was one of his weakness. He's willing to hide with her. In that scenario, now she's not just worried about herself, but him too. His well-being (staying hidden) feels like it will be a burden to her, in addition to her own. The experience with him, becomes better to just pass on, no matter the initial attraction/interest. Whether aware of it or not, I suspect that is why she never replied.

TL;DR Section in bold above

 

[Prodoge]

Female translation: I want to go out with you, but people will talk, will that be ok? Are you ok with that? (This was a woman looking to a man for reassurance that it will be ok.)

Her female perception of what you said: He's worried what other people think! Sometimes he hides women he goes out with. He's asking me out, offering we can hide together. I am suppose to feel flattered.

What you conveyed to this woman: I am worried what other people will think if they know I am seeing/fvcking you so I need to hide it.

What a woman wants to feel from a man: I think you are an amazing/beautiful woman and I am proud to be seen dating you, let others look at us all they want. I care more about being with you than what other people think.

The response she wanted: Life is too short to worry about what everyone else is thinking. All that matters is that you and I are enjoying ourselves. I'll pick you up at.... or I'll meet you at....

That would have offered her the male reassurance that her concern wasn't actually a problem. Without saying it you would convey that as the man are willing to stand in your social circle head held high, while seeing her, than so can she, as the woman you are seeing. In that stance you'd be leading strongly and offering her the opportunity to follow in a way that she feels taken care of. You'd convey that if someone were to comment, your centeredness and confidence and what you want is bigger than any outside opinion.

Mmmhh I am actually feeling pretty dumb right now. It seems so obvious right now...

But with that response, would she have said yes ? Unfortunatly I'll never know..

I really need to change my perspective, any volunteers to be my mentor?

 

[Yewki]

But with that response, would she have said yes ? Unfortunatly I'll never know..

Not worth worry about IMO

 

[Alvafe]

Mmmhh I am actually feeling pretty dumb right now. It seems so obvious right now...

But with that response, would she have said yes ? Unfortunatly I'll never know..

I really need to change my perspective, any volunteers to be my mentor?

don't matter, give it a week or 2 and ask again, just ignore this last convo and do your thing.

personally I would go with, yeah you are right, our friends would so jealous about you spending time alone with me then everyone would ask me out , or something on that idea, since english is not my main language I would spin the words a little more

 

[Prodoge]

since english is not my main language I would spin the words a little more

Well this conversation was originally in french, it is not always easy to translate it to english and maintain the same meaning and the play with words

 

[Alvafe]

ok so here is what you should be doing tease her and play with her, whtever you was doing worked well with her, take her and go