not sure what to do

[Faze]

I was somewhat of an AFC before I came to this site and I could feel the IL of a girl I was kinda in my school seeing fade away. Luckily, I found sosuave.com and read a lot of the articles and posts and applied the techniques.

I stopped doing favors for her and when she asked me to call, I told her I was busy and would maybe call some other time. I started not to care what she thought of me and I didn't always talk to her during school or walk with her whenever I saw her.

The thing is, this girl and I started off being friends and she told me that tommorow she had to walk to work because her car broke down or something like that. She was impling that I give her a ride to work and I told her maybe. I'm not too sure if this was the DJ thing to do and I'm not sure what to say the next time I see her. I don't wanna fall back into an AFC mode by eagerly offering her a ride but I don't wanna come off as a selfish bastard who doesn't look after his friends.

I was just wondering what you guys would do in a situation like this.

 

[California Love]

What's her personality like?



Is she a longtime friend, causal friend, or girlfriend?

 

[Faze]

She's more of a casual friend. Kinda known her for about 5 months. Started to date maybe 2 weeks ago before her IL fell due to my AFCness. She's sorta shy but she is hot (HB7-8) and she knows this.

 

[blienk]

Just be honest. Is it a hassle for you to give her a ride? If you've got legitimate stuff to do, say no. If you're just gonna be sitting on your ass at home, then offer a ride.

 

[misunderstood??]

Offer a ride but get something in return for it, your time is worth something, so get something for it.

 

[Engetsu]

Originally posted by misunderstood??
Offer a ride but get something in return for it, your time is worth something, so get something for it.

That would be very dumb and cheap. When you offer a favor, you don't ask anything in return. I would still give my family presents on Christmas even if they were poor and didn't give me a single thing. I would also still sometimes pay for friends at restaurants and not EXPECT them to pay me next time.

What can you expect in exchange for a ride? You're not gonna ask for a ******* or for money. You could hit the guilt chord and say "next time it's your turn to be the taxi driver" or something like that... But don't blatantly ask for something.

 

[Sax God]

Originally posted by Engetsu
That would be very dumb and cheap. When you offer a favor, you don't ask anything in return. I would still give my family presents on Christmas even if they were poor and didn't give me a single thing. I would also still sometimes pay for friends at restaurants and not EXPECT them to pay me next time.

What can you expect in exchange for a ride? You're not gonna ask for a ******* or for money. You could hit the guilt chord and say "next time it's your turn to be the taxi driver" or something like that... But don't blatantly ask for something.

I disagree wholeheartedly. He said she has a job; the least she can do is PAY him for the ride. That way, he's not being taken advantage of and she doesn't feel like she can control him.

It works.

 

[misunderstood??]

Originally posted by Engetsu
That would be very dumb and cheap. When you offer a favor, you don't ask anything in return. I would still give my family presents on Christmas even if they were poor and didn't give me a single thing. I would also still sometimes pay for friends at restaurants and not EXPECT them to pay me next time.

What can you expect in exchange for a ride? You're not gonna ask for a ******* or for money. You could hit the guilt chord and say "next time it's your turn to be the taxi driver" or something like that... But don't blatantly ask for something.

They don't say nice guys finish last for no reason. Nice guys finish last because they do 'nice' things and accept not getting anything in return for it. When you're the nice guy described above, people learn quickly that you are a sucker and will do anything for them without requiring anything and they will start taking advantage of you. You are officially a doormat.

However, If you start asking for stuff in return for favours then people will magically see you grow a backbone and either stop asking for favours because they will no longer be able to take advantage of your 'generosity' and will find a new sucker to use or they'll oblige and after awhile you won't have to ask them and seem like a 'jerk' because they'll assume you'd want something and would give you something.

There are exceptions though. An example is I don't usually ask my guy friends for stuff when I do them favours because they do me favours, so it's a give and take type or deal. Like if I drive them one weekend, they'll drive me another one. It is when you are doing all the giving and none of the taking then you have to start asking for stuff in return. In the original post it certainly does not sound like he got anything in return for any favours he has done for her. He's starting to try to get her to respect him and not think of him as a pushover, that's why he posted. Giving her a ride without anything in return would be a step backwards for what he's tring to accomplish.

 

[Engetsu]

Originally posted by misunderstood??
Nice guys finish last because they do 'nice' things and accept not getting anything in return for it. When you're the nice guy described above, people learn quickly that you are a sucker and will do anything for them without requiring anything and they will start taking advantage of you. You are officially a doormat.

There's a difference between being a doormat and being courteous. What I'm saying is in my nature, I always offer favors, but I can also see if the person is actually grateful that I'm doing them this favor or just happy that they found a doormat. If I feel that they see me as a doormat, I just don't offer those people favors anymore. To me it's implied, someone does you a favor, well you have to pay them back somehow, you don't need to mention it. I guess it's in my culture and traditions, it's always worked this way where I'm from. Directly asking for something in return in my culture would be seen as very rude and impolite. Offering favors and not asking anything in return doesn't make you a "nice guy", as long as you know how to not act as a doormat and defend your grounds if you feel that you're being walked on.

 

[Sax God]

Originally posted by Engetsu
There's a difference between being a doormat and being courteous. What I'm saying is in my nature, I always offer favors, but I can also see if the person is actually grateful that I'm doing them this favor or just happy that they found a doormat. If I feel that they see me as a doormat, I just don't offer those people favors anymore. To me it's implied, someone does you a favor, well you have to pay them back somehow, you don't need to mention it. I guess it's in my culture and traditions, it's always worked this way where I'm from. Directly asking for something in return in my culture would be seen as very rude and impolite. Offering favors and not asking anything in return doesn't make you a "nice guy", as long as you know how to not act as a doormat and defend your grounds if you feel that you're being walked on.

Ah, but what would you do if they asked multiple favors without doing you any in return?

 

[blienk]

Originally posted by Sax God
Ah, but what would you do if they asked multiple favors without doing you any in return?

This is when you put your foot down and stop doing favors for that person. There's nothing wrong with giving someone a ride or whatever and not necessarily getting anything in return. Some guy in this thread said the dude should have charged money for the ride. Are you joking? If you can't do someone a simple favor without direct compensation, you're an idiot, plain and simple. If the girl asked for a ride EVERY SINGLE DAY or asked for a particularly long ride, that is a different story. If anyone I considered a friend asked me to pay for a short ride, I'd tell them to go fvck themselves.

 

[misunderstood??]

Originally posted by Engetsu
There's a difference between being a doormat and being courteous. What I'm saying is in my nature, I always offer favors, but I can also see if the person is actually grateful that I'm doing them this favor or just happy that they found a doormat. If I feel that they see me as a doormat, I just don't offer those people favors anymore. To me it's implied, someone does you a favor, well you have to pay them back somehow, you don't need to mention it. I guess it's in my culture and traditions, it's always worked this way where I'm from. Directly asking for something in return in my culture would be seen as very rude and impolite. Offering favors and not asking anything in return doesn't make you a "nice guy", as long as you know how to not act as a doormat and defend your grounds if you feel that you're being walked on.

This is alot like I was saying in my last paragraph. The thing is she was doing all the taking and he's not receiving anything. That's why I feel as though he shouldn't do more giving if he isn't going to be getting anything for it because it's counterproductive. If he wasn't concerned about doing too much favours for her (which means he was getting stuff in return before) then giving her a ride without getting anything wouldn't be bad because he had her respect, he doesn't appear to have that though so he has to keep standing up for himself and not continue to do all the giving and none of the taking. He wanted a change but he won't get change if everything stays the same. Standing up might be considered rude by some people but it's better to be rude then taken advantage of.

 

[Engetsu]

Thanks blienk, that's exactly the point I'm trying to get across.

Sax God, you obviously didn't read my post. To answer your question would be repeating myself so I'll just copy paste it from my last post: "as long as you know how to not act as a doormat and defend your grounds if you feel that you're being walked on."

Someone who asks you for multiple favors and never gives anything in return is a leech. Stand up for yourself.

In this case, I agree with misunderstood then. My final answer would be, Faze, if you feel you have her respect and she sees you as an equal, offer her the ride. If she's been asking you for rides for the past week and doesn't give you more attention than that, tell her you promised another girl a ride or something.