Not sure what’s going on

[Fruitbat]

Hi Folks,

wanted to take advantage of the new colleagiate atmosphere on this forum to share something.

I have the high profile and demanding job I wanted, and the family I wanted. All is going well.

Last few weeks I have had lapses in memory, feeling a bit overwhelmed to be honest. I usually thrive on this.

Today after a stressful nursery run I lost my temper trying to park. Tradesmen’s vans had taken all the parental spaces, which set me off. I smashed my car on another and now have a large bill. I’m also forgetting things at work, snapping at people.

My sleep is getting better. I’m not being pressured. I just feel like is all work and no play. The end never comes. I’m not really depressed, I’m just…I don’t have any happiness. Even golf feels like pressure when I don’t hit shots right, friends feels like more work. I just want to kind of sit in a room.

I used to have drugs and alcohol to numb this but I gave it up.

Burn out? What? Depression? Eating reasonably now.

to get to where I need to go I basically have to:

Diet down so no nice food
Not drink - can’t lose days to hangovers and will derail gym progress
Work long hours
Spend my time out of work cleaning and organising things.

I’m doing all of this but now I have the discipline, I got nothing joyous in my life. The whole thing is Jam tomorrow and it’s starting to grate.

I have months and years ahead of me of this. I’m still a long way off target physique. My work targets ever increase. No way out. And I don’t feel anyone wants to hear it either

Advice please. I know I’m coming off like a needy beta but like most men of my age I have nobody to share this woth

 

[inquisitor]

Start with gratitude. You're lucky and you seem to forget that. Also immerse yourself in the simple, silent moments with a childish appreciation. Do something special for your family, they will really appreciate it. Maybe get a massage. It's fine to not feel happy, just fulfilled. Maybe try something you usually wouldn't. Tweak your perspective to make life a little bit more fun.

 

[Stoic]

There’s a time for work and time for play.
I didn’t hear about any hobbies you do for enjoyment? Can you not fit in an hour a day for that?

 

[FlirtLife]

I have the high profile and demanding job I wanted, and the family I wanted. All is going well.

Last few weeks I have had lapses in memory, feeling a bit overwhelmed to be honest. I usually thrive on this.

... I lost my temper trying to park ... I’m also forgetting things at work, snapping at people.

My sleep is getting better. I’m not being pressured. I just feel like is all work and no play.
...
Burn out? What? Depression?

If you have a "demanding job", I'm surprised you're "not being pressured" at work. It sounds like stress, to me (memory lapse, snapping). Have you had your current "demanding job" for a number of months, or for many years?

It sounds like you're going to pay for car repairs, so no court involved. Pretend for a moment you became a criminal when you smashed the other car... what would a court do? Would they send you to a therapist, and recommend something for stress reduction or anger? Just a hypothetical, you can take that how you like.

 

[MatureDJ]

I don't think I can help you since I gave up full-time employment in my early 30s so as to allow me to GeoMax.

The question you have to ask yourself is whether this squeeze is worth the resultant juice. I've always been one to not put in much extra effort.

 

[Machine10033]

I am also in a high profile job. My mom worked her tail off and could not wait to retire. At 62 she was diagnosed with cancer and dead in a year. It put a ton of things in perspective for me; 1) your health and mental health are #1. Right now your obviously feeling things are off. I’ve found your body will warn you... warn you again and eventually say “ok fckr... I’m shutting you down”. If I was you I would make it a priority to get some activities that promote relaxation and recovery. I am an avid golfer and golf isn’t that activity..I am always trying to improve and I might as well count it as work hours.

#2 work to live... don’t live to work. My priorities completely shifted after my mom passed. I do my job...I do it well... but it is nothing more than collecting a check to enjoy the freedom and activities that makes me happy. When your days done... start setting boundaries. If I’m dealing with something after hours I tell me boss “ hey I dealt with this issue on my own time.. you won’t see me Friday”. We only have so many minutes on this earth and why give it to your employer for free.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Fruitbat is this "something in the air" that you sense? Perhaps ambient tension from all of the collective stresses of people adding up and kind of hanging around. Kind of like when you're in a room with tense people and the tension is so thick you could cut it, but on a mass level that permeates the entire physical area where you are...

 

[Fruitbat]

Fruitbat is this "something in the air" that you sense? Perhaps ambient tension from all of the collective stresses of people adding up and kind of hanging around. Kind of like when you're in a room with tense people and the tension is so thick you could cut it, but on a mass level that permeates the entire physical area where you are...

Curious description but yes to a certain extent.

 

[Fruitbat]

I am also in a high profile job. My mom worked her tail off and could not wait to retire. At 62 she was diagnosed with cancer and dead in a year. It put a ton of things in perspective for me; 1) your health and mental health are #1. Right now your obviously feeling things are off. I’ve found your body will warn you... warn you again and eventually say “ok fckr... I’m shutting you down”. If I was you I would make it a priority to get some activities that promote relaxation and recovery. I am an avid golfer and golf isn’t that activity..I am always trying to improve and I might as well count it as work hours.

#2 work to live... don’t live to work. My priorities completely shifted after my mom passed. I do my job...I do it well... but it is nothing more than collecting a check to enjoy the freedom and activities that makes me happy. When your days done... start setting boundaries. If I’m dealing with something after hours I tell me boss “ hey I dealt with this issue on my own time.. you won’t see me Friday”. We only have so many minutes on this earth and why give it to your employer for free.

The issue is I feel like if I relent, I could lose it all. I’ve got a good income now, if I got busted down to a lower role, we would be ruined.

I suppose there is a lot to be said for how you do the job. I mean, i stress over it. I don’t need to. I can approach it with an air of “I am not dying in a ditch over x y or z issue”

The thing is I don’t really know how to enjoy life outside of work now. I find the time outside of work pretty pointless. It’s not going anywhere. I quite like a Monday morning. Work makes me fulfilled but it’s also killing me.
I think what’s killing me is the workLOAD. My life is a series of tasks. Even when I finish I have tons of stuff to do at home. Id be lucky if I get an hour a day to myself.

Even on my birthday this week I am out seeing clients. Trying to close business. I’ll probably get 2 cards and 2 presents.

Just all work and no play. I do have other social stuff, networking groups, golf groups. All these things just seem like MORE work.

I set up the busy, fulfilled life I wanted and now im here, I actually look back on the years smoking weed on an Xbox and think “that was the life man”

grass is greener. Back then I wanted this life.
perhaps I need a balance.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

The issue is I feel like if I relent, I could lose it all. I’ve got a good income now, if I got busted down to a lower role, we would be ruined.

I suppose there is a lot to be said for how you do the job. I mean, i stress over it. I don’t need to. I can approach it with an air of “I am not dying in a ditch over x y or z issue”

The thing is I don’t really know how to enjoy life outside of work now. I find the time outside of work pretty pointless. It’s not going anywhere. I quite like a Monday morning. Work makes me fulfilled but it’s also killing me.
I think what’s killing me is the workLOAD. My life is a series of tasks. Even when I finish I have tons of stuff to do at home. Id be lucky if I get an hour a day to myself.

Even on my birthday this week I am out seeing clients. Trying to close business. I’ll probably get 2 cards and 2 presents.

Just all work and no play. I do have other social stuff, networking groups, golf groups. All these things just seem like MORE work.

I set up the busy, fulfilled life I wanted and now im here, I actually look back on the years smoking weed on an Xbox and think “that was the life man”

grass is greener. Back then I wanted this life.
perhaps I need a balance.

You may just end up underwater, drinking bailey's from a shoe like Old Gregg

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You might want to get a full physical...there could be an underlying condition beginning...the memory lapse part was a little concerning of I am being honest.

I would get a full eval to ensure there is no physical reason why this might be happening and then once that's clear then work on figuring out what else might be going on.

 

[FlirtLife]

The issue is I feel like if I relent, I could lose it all. I’ve got a good income now, if I got busted down to a lower role, we would be ruined.

If being demoted causes you financial ruin, you might be spending too much.

 

[Fruitbat]

You might want to get a full physical...there could be an underlying condition beginning...the memory lapse part was a little concerning of I am being honest.

I would get a full eval to ensure there is no physical reason why this might be happening and then once that's clear then work on figuring out what else might be going on.

that’s about £2,000 here and you can’t get it on the NHS. The NHS works like this:

are you sick now?

I just feel a bit off and burnt out

so no blood in urine, no vomiting, headaches etc?

no

right, fk off and come back when you’re seriously ill.

For those in the US wanting “free healthcare” be aware this is how the U.K. system works.
plus even if you got a referral it would be 2 month wait minimum. My wife had a cough for a month and she got her x ray 2 months after the cough had gone.

there is a widespread belief in U.K. that in the US if you break a leg or get an illnesa you get billed hundreds of thousands of dollars.

surely you have insurance right? Can you get plans which cover everything? My only fear with insurance is that they always try and exclude things. If you had medical insurance where they have to treat you regardless of family history or what the illness is, I would be up for that rather than this soviet system.

the only big benefits of our system is they aren’t out To sell you pills. US seems to diagnose as much as they can to sell you meth or heroin. Bad back? Opiates! Can’t focus for 18 hours? You have ADHD - meth please! Slightly anxious - here, have some benzodiazepines, you’ll never get off them because it makes you 10x worse but that’s how we like it!

 

[AAAgent]

The issue is I feel like if I relent, I could lose it all. I’ve got a good income now, if I got busted down to a lower role, we would be ruined.

Sounds like you are over leveraged.

If you can, reduce some of the costs so you can relieve your financial pressure that comes from losing your job/role. Downsizing your living situation, car, subscriptions, etc. Might take a while to do this but prioritizing this seems like it will help a lot. Spend less time with friends and focus more on yourself. Hit the gym, get rid of golf, and meditate.

Gym should help with stress. Getting rid of golf will help reduce costs. Meditation will help relieve stress and help you learn how to be content with being yourself. Over time, having less overhead, debt, and maintaining a low stress level will not only help you be more content, but should help you prioritize again on other things, like getting back on the grind in a positive way.

--

My friend was also in this state of constant stress, over leveraging himself, and instead of working on solving those problems, he just hit cocaine until he OD'ed last year. Left a wife and daughter. Luckily I got him into some good investments and she's set with almost 7 figures for her and the kid but no they're without a father and husband.

Take care of yourself first. Nothing good happens overnight so expect this to be a long healing process and invest time into it.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

that’s about £2,000 here and you can’t get it on the NHS. The NHS works like this:

are you sick now?

I just feel a bit off and burnt out

so no blood in urine, no vomiting, headaches etc?

no

right, fk off and come back when you’re seriously ill.

For those in the US wanting “free healthcare” be aware this is how the U.K. system works.
plus even if you got a referral it would be 2 month wait minimum. My wife had a cough for a month and she got her x ray 2 months after the cough had gone.

there is a widespread belief in U.K. that in the US if you break a leg or get an illnesa you get billed hundreds of thousands of dollars.

surely you have insurance right? Can you get plans which cover everything? My only fear with insurance is that they always try and exclude things. If you had medical insurance where they have to treat you regardless of family history or what the illness is, I would be up for that rather than this soviet system.

the only big benefits of our system is they aren’t out To sell you pills. US seems to diagnose as much as they can to sell you meth or heroin. Bad back? Opiates! Can’t focus for 18 hours? You have ADHD - meth please! Slightly anxious - here, have some benzodiazepines, you’ll never get off them because it makes you 10x worse but that’s how we like it!

Yeah that's pretty wild...how is it "free healthcare" but routine checkups cost 2K pounds??

That is one thing that is good about healthcare here is that most routine doctor visits are free, like a once a year physical, mammograms, etc

A lot of plans now offer things like free gym memberships and other incentives for staying healthy.

But for the most part the insurance here is relatively crappy unless you pay a LOT. So basically they get you coming or going...you either pay a lot up front and then have low or no copays for most things and low deductibles or you pay less(but still not cheap) and have high deductibles, like 4K or more per year.

Yeah drugs can be pushed quite heavily for things here and drug prices are outrageous as well.

I don't understand why they wouldn't want people to get checked out yearly and ensure they catch anything early to lessen the treatment cost and help save lives. I hear there is a huge cancer problem in the UK now due to the way they handled it during COVID and it's so backed up people are basically dying because they can't get treated...that's pretty crazy.

 

[BeExcellent]

Hmmmm. I can understand where you are @Fruitbat.

Been there myself. Felt so on the treadmill and when I’d try to recharge I didn’t have the energy for the children, which wasn’t great.

Sit down with yourself and look at long term goals. I mean, what’s the point of all your efforts? For me it was about finding a way to fund my freedom and provide well for my kids and so I worked my ass off for these things. I built something that creates passive income whilst on the grind.

Here’s the thing. My kids don’t remember the Burberry trousers and jackets they had as young children. The white tablecloth restaurant outings were not that meaningful for them. They remember holiday at the beach, details about New York and Boston, being with the whole family at holidays & celebrations & funerals; time with friends.

Life is made of experiences. At the end of the day things are just things, it’s all stuff. To have experiences requires time. You are pumping all your time into working to have lifestyle. Well. Who is enjoying that lifestyle? Your wife & kids? Without you? That is out of balance. Your time is the single most valuable thing you have; that anyone has.

Make time to relax. Make time to enjoy leisure. Work is not life or death. It simply isn’t. The richness of your life is most accurately measured by the quality of your relationships and your experiences. Everything else is just stuff, no matter how much money you make or have.

Go to a Chinese medicine doctor (your wife can help) and see about getting the stress and excess out of your life. Meditate. Slow down.

The tale of @Machine10033 is cautionary. I’m only 8 years away from 62. I’m working on being less stressed and more balanced. I’ve been fortunate to be able to tailor my life & avoid the constant grind. One of my dear friends is fighting cancer right now. Just had lunch with him. He spent years under the mad stress of doing for everyone around him, to his own detriment. It is not healthy or sustainable for the long term.

Figure out what it is you are trying to accomplish long term, and make the time to relax and build those relationships. Create experiences and memories for yourself and your family. Who cares about the Joneses. Money is great and all but it’s a tool. What is it you want that tool to accomplish?

 

[Fruitbat]

Yeah that's pretty wild...how is it "free healthcare" but routine checkups cost 2K pounds??

That is one thing that is good about healthcare here is that most routine doctor visits are free, like a once a year physical, mammograms, etc

A lot of plans now offer things like free gym memberships and other incentives for staying healthy.

But for the most part the insurance here is relatively crappy unless you pay a LOT. So basically they get you coming or going...you either pay a lot up front and then have low or no copays for most things and low deductibles or you pay less(but still not cheap) and have high deductibles, like 4K or more per year.

Yeah drugs can be pushed quite heavily for things here and drug prices are outrageous as well.

I don't understand why they wouldn't want people to get checked out yearly and ensure they catch anything early to lessen the treatment cost and help save lives. I hear there is a huge cancer problem in the UK now due to the way they handled it during COVID and it's so backed up people are basically dying because they can't get treated...that's pretty crazy.

may I ask, how much would a really good policy - ie, pretty much covers everything other than cosmetic stuff, cost?

I read in the US it’s about$400 a month for a family, about right?

I pay about 40% of my income in tax which is a lot more expensive.

The thing is about the NHS, if I asked for a check up they would kind of ask what’s wrong? If I said I just want to check they would say no.

so then you got to pay for private - which is really expensive.

however: get cancer - all costs covered
Need meds for life - virtually all covered
Any operation, hip replacement - covered

If you are seriously ill the service is immediate. I had a leukaemia scare (turned out to be viral) and I was in there immediately.

if you want hip replacement, hernia, you got to wait months.

chikdbirth is free .

The way it works here is that the service kind of tries to fob you off and get rid of you but you have to keep shouting and complaining.

I’ve noticed foreigners here don’t get it. The social contract is you don’t overburden the NHS but foreigners think it’s like private but for free and they are always there for every cough or cold worrying about things.
You’re expected to engage your brain a bit.

Also, the staff give zero Fks generally about your service experience. Sit there and wait. All run by old women who can’t manage admin and a lot enjoy the power.

as an example: daughter got a rash (not urgent but we didn’t know that) - 4 hour wait to be seen and then they just say it’s fine, go home

daughter needed blood test, 2 hour wait. They messed up the times. I had to complain 3 times . This is the NHS experience . You got to be the loudest pain in the ass bascially.
Oh, daughter cut nose and we were in a and E for 2 days trying to get a spot for the op. If more urgent cases come in you just gotta wait. And nobody explains it, you just have some 50 yo jaded woman who seems desparate to throw you out if you complain. They got all these signs saying “don’t abuse staff or you’ll be arrested”. Bascially that’s there mainly to stop you complaining.


MRI scan wait for my back - 6 weeks

what annoys me is I pay thousands in tax and I have to wait in line behind people from India and Pakistan who I doubt pay any tax and can barely speak English. Everyone is treated equally so if you’re relatively wealthy you have to wait in line behind benefit scroungers, recent migrants and drug addicts .

also a lot of people know it’s “free” and don’t take care of their health.

good points and bad. It’s a bit of a lottery.

 

[Fruitbat]

Hmmmm. I can understand where you are @Fruitbat.

Been there myself. Felt so on the treadmill and when I’d try to recharge I didn’t have the energy for the children, which wasn’t great.

Sit down with yourself and look at long term goals. I mean, what’s the point of all your efforts? For me it was about finding a way to fund my freedom and provide well for my kids and so I worked my ass off for these things. I built something that creates passive income whilst on the grind.

Here’s the thing. My kids don’t remember the Burberry trousers and jackets they had as young children. The white tablecloth restaurant outings were not that meaningful for them. They remember holiday at the beach, details about New York and Boston, being with the whole family at holidays & celebrations & funerals; time with friends.

Life is made of experiences. At the end of the day things are just things, it’s all stuff. To have experiences requires time. You are pumping all your time into working to have lifestyle. Well. Who is enjoying that lifestyle? Your wife & kids? Without you? That is out of balance. Your time is the single most valuable thing you have; that anyone has.

Make time to relax. Make time to enjoy leisure. Work is not life or death. It simply isn’t. The richness of your life is most accurately measured by the quality of your relationships and your experiences. Everything else is just stuff, no matter how much money you make or have.

Go to a Chinese medicine doctor (your wife can help) and see about getting the stress and excess out of your life. Meditate. Slow down.

The tale of @Machine10033 is cautionary. I’m only 8 years away from 62. I’m working on being less stressed and more balanced. I’ve been fortunate to be able to tailor my life & avoid the constant grind. One of my dear friends is fighting cancer right now. Just had lunch with him. He spent years under the mad stress of doing for everyone around him, to his own detriment. It is not healthy or sustainable for the long term.

Figure out what it is you are trying to accomplish long term, and make the time to relax and build those relationships. Create experiences and memories for yourself and your family. Who cares about the Joneses. Money is great and all but it’s a tool. What is it you want that tool to accomplish?

I get what you’re saying, but the reality is that the job I’m in is all or nothing. I can’t really start working 75% of what I am otherwise im gonna fail. if i took a lesser job with fewer hours, my pay would half. that WOULD mean no holidays and experinces.

My boss says 40h is a working week, I cant do less than 55. i guess i might ask for help.
To be fair I am one of the top performers and giving that up would be a constant ball ache. I fkin hate being in the pack.

 

[Murk]

You can get full bloodwork done on the NHS and also have T levels checked. Tell your doctor about these symptoms, embellish them too, and tell him due to your own research, full blood work should be done. THey will take 5-7 vials of blood and check everything, it's a good place to start.

 

[jaygreenb]

may I ask, how much would a really good policy - ie, pretty much covers everything other than cosmetic stuff, cost?

I read in the US it’s about$400 a month for a family, about right?

It is a lot more than 400, depends if your employer covers any of the cost too. Just myself, on a private policy and pretty bare bones is around 580 month. Family, is most likely over a 1k month. If you are low income I believe you can get a lot of subsides though