not sure if she has a boyfriend

[navster]

been pursuing a 24yo for three months now, met her 3 times only in groups but not one-on-one. she volunteers, plays tennis, hikes with the sierra club singles group, and is into the environment(her job). i added her on facebook, and nothing on there indicated she had a boyfriend.

i invited her to hike with a meetup, she responded but made no mention if she was planning on going or not. instead she responded that she was looking forward to the weekend, and hoped that i was doing well. so i assumed she wasnt coming, and i didnt go. a couple days later she drops me a message saying she went on that hike with a friend, said she didnt see me, and asked if i went or not. wtf? i explained to her my plans had changed and i didnt make it and we left it at that.

soon after i invited her to volunteer at my company's environment project because she was into that stuff , expected her to flake but came she did. i learned more about her, that she was shy and a bit insecure, but got her laughing at some of my jokes to make her feel comfortable. i called her later in the week to tell her i sincerely appreciated her volunteering at my company's event, and asked her if i could treat her to food/drinks sometime to return the favor, to which she thoughtfully responded with "i hope you're doing well" and "can i get back to you on that?", which i said okay. well she didnt get back to me and a week had passed, i assumed she needed time and space so i didnt push her for an answer.

then new year's weekend comes around and up popped 4 pictures on facebook of her being tagged at yosemite with this other dude, apparently they went skiing together. in the pictures they were both standing close next to each other, but no hugging or displays of affection etc.. just a hand on the back.

so im not sure what the deal is here, if this guy is her boyfriend or what.. if he is then im confused why she would lead me on..

 

[Mike32ct]

This is just my gut feeling...

My gut feeling is she is seeing this guy, but he's not "officially" (ie publicly) her boyfriend yet.

A LOT of females do this. They won't publicly admit that a guy is a new bf. They refer to him (for a while) as "a friend." It's NO accident that the online picture of the two of them is innocent with no arms around each other. That is deliberate to hide what is going on.

They are hooking up. Ski weekends are like orgies. Add New Years Eve to the mix, and I have no doubt they are friends with benefits (FWB). It could publicly become bf/gf later or they may just keep it quiet for a long time.

I LOL-ed at your phrase "...her being tagged at Yosemite with this other dude." I apologize; couldn't resist.

In her mind (chick logic), she didn't lead you on because she never told she was single or taken. She is publicly "single" but privately and for all intents and purposes "taken."

Even if you went on that hike, her and this guy would have acted normal and friendly to hide their secret lover thing. You still wouldn't have thought anything was going on.

I wish I had better news for you. I'm sorry man. I hope that helped.

 

[VladPatton]

Mike, that could be very true, but...navster also didn't make a move in those 3 months he knew her. If this guy moved in on her just 2 weeks ago, you still had plenty of time to beat him to the punch.
You gotta get the digits quick man, and ask her out. Nothing too serious, coffee, drinks, and take it from there. Too much time went by and you were counting on events to see her. Those are to 50/50 for her showing up.

Now, when you did ask to do something with her, she says she'll get back to you because:

[a]she lost/never had interest

or

she is on the path to hookin up with ski dude.

I think it's time to cut your losses, man. Her wanting to go out with you, keeping contact after dates, and not confusing you are clear signs of interest, period. Everything else is just for feeding her ego via bowls of warm attention soup. Tons of girls do this. Now you know. Wish the situation was better, but we all went through this bųllṣhit at one time or another.

Next time, shoot for a date sooner to weed out these chicks.

Good luck next time man.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Yeah... she's not interested.

It doesn't matter if the guy in the pic is her boyfriend or not - she's not displaying signs that indicate she has high interest in you. At least not at the moment.

Part of the reason, though, is because you waited too long to show your interest - 3 months, really?!? First meet up, you should have been getting the number and asking her out. And when you DO ask her out, you invite her to stuff that lets her know you're trying to get to know her on a more intimate level. Group dates are a "no no." You invited her to go hiking with a meet-up group, then asked her to a volunteer function? No bueno - those aren't dates, those are activities where other people will be there, which gives her NO indication that you see her on a romantic level.

Stop being a chicken and start ASKING these girls out when you first meet them. Specifically: Ask for their phone numbers, wait 4 days to CALL them (don't text a date invitation, it looks weak) and ask them to meet up at a coffee shop/dinner/some kind of activity where you can get to know each other (avoid asking her out for drinks if u can - it's not a REAL date). Don't make it any more prolonged than it has to be.

Hope this helps!

 

[Naughty Ninja]

This is just my gut feeling...

My gut feeling is she is seeing this guy, but he's not "officially" (ie publicly) her boyfriend yet.

A LOT of females do this. They won't publicly admit that a guy is a new bf. They refer to him (for a while) as "a friend." It's NO accident that the online picture of the two of them is innocent with no arms around each other. That is deliberate to hide what is going on.

They are hooking up. Ski weekends are like orgies. Add New Years Eve to the mix, and I have no doubt they are friends with benefits (FWB). It could publicly become bf/gf later or they may just keep it quiet for a long time.

I LOL-ed at your phrase "...her being tagged at Yosemite with this other dude." I apologize; couldn't resist.

In her mind (chick logic), she didn't lead you on because she never told she was single or taken. She is publicly "single" but privately and for all intents and purposes "taken."

Even if you went on that hike, her and this guy would have acted normal and friendly to hide their secret lover thing. You still wouldn't have thought anything was going on.

I wish I had better news for you. I'm sorry man. I hope that helped.

^^^This^^^

I'd suggest the OP just say fug it and ask her sometime soon what her and her boyfriend did last weekend in a non-chalant way. If she says they did this or that or nothing. There you go. IF she says she doesn't have a boyfriend then I'd set something up to do together bowling, coffee, or something quick and alone to make a move. If she doesn't go or is half assed/ doesn't make a counter offer than ski-dude is most likely her top contender for soon to be boyfriend and I'd let it go.

Things may not work out in the end between them but keep busy meeting other chicks in the meantime and if she comes around later on don't make her a priority keep her as a "possibility" till she shows you she's pretty interested in seeing how things progress between the both of you. Still keep her as an option IF that were to happen regardless so you don't get screwed in the end. Once she asks (hypothetically) what the deal is with the both of you..then you'd decide at that point of she was the one for you. Otherwise..keep it moving OP.

***After reading the OPs thread I'd say 100% she's with the ski-dude and the OP is a for the moment ego boost who's in the friendzone.

 

[navster]

First, thanks for all the responses guys, i definitely appreciate the different perspectives, it gives me a clearer view of things. Just wanted to add a little more context to my predicament here.

I learned that when she added me on facebook, she hid her photo albums from me, and only her profile pictures and pictures she were tagged in were visible to me (still a substantial amount of photos). Understandable, since i am a stranger who looked her up on facebook, likely she didnt want to reveal too much up front.

But after digging through the posts on her profile a bit, i'm tempted to think ski dude was probably in her life for at least several months before me already, if not more. i came to that conclusion when i realized the photos did not draw aha comments from anybody, including her BFFs, that would have indicated they were surprised she was with ski dude, if indeed this was the new guy in her life. The other reason is, im pretty sure they had to do some advanced planning for their ski trip to Yosemite to reserve a room for New Year's Eve weekend especially, and she was receptive to me during this time. Plus i know this girl, is quite shy, conservative, and inhibited, there's no way she would be spending a New Year's eve orgy with ski dude if she only knew him the same amount of time she knows me right... shy girls take a lot more time than that, and rushing them in a relationship only pushes them away, so i played it slower than i normally would with this girl. so i dont think ski dude beat me to the punch with this girl, im tempted to think he was already in her life for a while.

Now the million dollar question is, does this girl want me to pursue her in spite of ski dude in her life, ie. is she ready for a change(an upgrade hehe)?
And how do i go about stealing her from this guy??

 

[DonGorgon]

boyfriends dont matter 99% of women cheat

 

[Mike32ct]

Some couples can keep this "secret lover" thing going for months or even years. So, yes, I agree with the OP that her and ski boy may have been together for some time already.

I know a secret couple going on three years. But to everybody else, they are "just friends that go hiking together."

As for how to go after a taken chick, I'll defer to the others. That's not my thing or my expertise.

 

[pdx1138]

Plus i know this girl, is quite shy, conservative, and inhibited, there's no way she would be spending a New Year's eve orgy with ski dude if she only knew him the same amount of time she knows me right...

Incorrect.

Never assume with ANY woman what you just stated.

It's a false assumption we all end up learning the hard way.

They are quite capable of shocking acts when the buttons are properly pushed.

 

[VladPatton]

I agree with pdx...assume nothing with shy girls. Especially shy girls. They can easily phuck up your program just like any other female.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Plus i know this girl, is quite shy, conservative, and inhibited...

...until they find a guy they like who's also able to bring out their outgoing, extroverted freak side. Then all that stuff goes flying out the window. The reason she's not that way around YOU is because she doesn't have a high interest in you.

Never assume you know a girl you're not dating. That girl could be completely open around ski dude and be showing him stuff in private she wouldn't reveal with her public self. She's not showing YOU that side because, at the moment, her interest lies elsewhere, so there's no reason for her to do so. And yes, she could have known ski dude the same amount of time as you and be showing him these things. Why? Because she LIKES him more.

And, to answer your other question: no, she doesn't want you to pursue her. Here's the thing you're not getting: when a girl likes you, she makes it EASY for you to get with her. So ask yourself: is she making it EASY for you to link up with her? If not, there's a reason for it, and it's not because she wants you to try harder.

You have to realize, in terms of dating, most women think good dudes are hard to find. So, when she finds one she likes, she's not going to make you jump through 1001 hoops because, in her mind, doing that may cause you to try and find someone else. So, it's in her best interest to make it EASY for you by giving clear signals indicating her interest. This girl is throwing MIXED signals, which aren't EASY to interpret - and, since they're NOT easy signals, it means she has interests that lie elsewhere outside of you.

So, stop trying to formulate some plot on how to steal her and just go after someone else. No, really - 3 billion girls on the planet, many of them single, some of whom will actually give you clear signals because they LIKE you. Find one.

 

[nismo-4]

OP, if your gut is saying that your princess is in another castle, she usually is. Beyond a reasonable doubt, the interest in you is not there. She found a man who is a better option than you.

The best thing for you now is to go ghost. Don't try stealing this girl because it's more trouble than it's worth. Judge's ruling.

Case closed.

 

[navster]

UPDATE AS OF LASt night

I emailed her earlier yesterday day asking her out again (2nd time) to coffee, again as a token of my appreciation for her coming out to volunteer. This was my last ditch attempt at salvaging anything if any that remained of her interest in me. At this point i already accepted the fact i had lost her and was ready to move on, so what the heck did i have to lose now by trying my luck again anyways...

FML

she actually responded late that night! asked me when and where. Totally blew me out of the water. not sure what the deal is now.. so i'm thinking either -

A) orgy with ski dude did not go as well as she hoped(they're still friends on facebook)
B) ski dude really just is a good platonic guy friend(BFF?) with no strings attached
C) they are friends with Benefits
D) she's exploring/exhausting her options (possibly me as backup)
E) She's genuinely ready for a change (with me as primary)


I'm tempted to assume (D) as most reasonable, which means i'm going to have some major competition, as ski dude is a better catch in the physical department. However i think she might be attracted to me for my personality, as she laughs at my jokes more often than not.

I'm not sure what to make of this?? Is she still with ski dude or what??

 

[cordoncordon]

First, thanks for all the responses guys, i definitely appreciate the different perspectives, it gives me a clearer view of things. Just wanted to add a little more context to my predicament here.

I learned that when she added me on facebook, she hid her photo albums from me, and only her profile pictures and pictures she were tagged in were visible to me (still a substantial amount of photos). Understandable, since i am a stranger who looked her up on facebook, likely she didnt want to reveal too much up front.

But after digging through the posts on her profile a bit, i'm tempted to think ski dude was probably in her life for at least several months before me already, if not more. i came to that conclusion when i realized the photos did not draw aha comments from anybody, including her BFFs, that would have indicated they were surprised she was with ski dude, if indeed this was the new guy in her life. The other reason is, im pretty sure they had to do some advanced planning for their ski trip to Yosemite to reserve a room for New Year's Eve weekend especially, and she was receptive to me during this time. Plus i know this girl, is quite shy, conservative, and inhibited, there's no way she would be spending a New Year's eve orgy with ski dude if she only knew him the same amount of time she knows me right... shy girls take a lot more time than that, and rushing them in a relationship only pushes them away, so i played it slower than i normally would with this girl. so i dont think ski dude beat me to the punch with this girl, im tempted to think he was already in her life for a while.

Now the million dollar question is, does this girl want me to pursue her in spite of ski dude in her life, ie. is she ready for a change(an upgrade hehe)?
And how do i go about stealing her from this guy??

You are way over analyzing this. Her interest in you is lukewarm at best. Spend your valuable time and energy on people that will return your efforts in kind. Stop wasting your life on people that don't care.

 

[navster]

UPDATE AS OF LASt night

I emailed her earlier yesterday day asking her out again (2nd time) to coffee, again as a token of my appreciation for her coming out to volunteer. This was my last ditch attempt at salvaging anything if any that remained of her interest in me. At this point i already accepted the fact i had lost her and was ready to move on, so what the heck did i have to lose now by trying my luck again anyways...

FML

she actually responded late that night! asked me when and where. Totally blew me out of the water. not sure what the deal is now.. so i'm thinking either -

A) orgy with ski dude did not go as well as she hoped(they're still friends on facebook)
B) ski dude really just is a good platonic guy friend(BFF?) with no strings attached
C) they are friends with Benefits
D) she's exploring/exhausting her options (possibly me as backup)
E) She's genuinely ready for a change (with me as primary)


I'm tempted to assume (D) as most reasonable, which means i'm going to have some major competition, as ski dude is a better catch in the physical department. However i think she might be attracted to me for my personality, as she laughs at my jokes more often than not.

I'm not sure what to make of this?? Is she still with ski dude or what??

Appreciate the responses so far guys, but she now wants to hang out, just the 2 of us.. Appreciate any feedback on my post above? I'm still in disbelief, but it shows that you can never be sure what a girl is thinking..

 

[pdx1138]

"I'm not sure how to play it on our date?"

By default, keeping it fun and getting some kino in usually works.

 

[navster]

UPDATE AS OF LASt night

I emailed her earlier yesterday day asking her out again (2nd time) to coffee, again as a token of my appreciation for her coming out to volunteer. This was my last ditch attempt at salvaging anything if any that remained of her interest in me. At this point i already accepted the fact i had lost her and was ready to move on, so what the heck did i have to lose now by trying my luck again anyways...

FML

she actually responded late that night! asked me when and where. Totally blew me out of the water. not sure what the deal is now.. so i'm thinking either -

A) orgy with ski dude did not go as well as she hoped(they're still friends on facebook)
B) ski dude really just is a good platonic guy friend(BFF?) with no strings attached
C) they are friends with Benefits
D) she's exploring/exhausting her options (possibly me as backup)
E) She's genuinely ready for a change (with me as primary)


I'm tempted to assume (D) as most reasonable, which means i'm going to have some major competition, as ski dude is a better catch in the physical department. However i think she might be attracted to me for my personality, as she laughs at my jokes more often than not.

I'm not sure what to make of this?? Is she still with ski dude or what??

OK so i finally got some closure.

so she texted me again 3 days after i proposed a couple places to her for drinks. this time, she mentions that those places sound good, and if we could do it on the weekend instead. then she drops this at the end, "but just so you know, i have a boyfriend...".

So there u have it, game over. ski dude is her BF. not sure why she would still want to do drinks with me though.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

OK so i finally got some closure.

so she texted me again 3 days after i proposed a couple places to her for drinks. this time, she mentions that those places sound good, and if we could do it on the weekend instead. then she drops this at the end, "but just so you know, i have a boyfriend...".

So there u have it, game over. ski dude is her BF. not sure why she would still want to do drinks with me though.

Tell her big deal, you have a girlfriend. You are two mature adults and can have coffee together.

Then cancel last minute and move on. Just mess with her a bit. Leave em wanting more. :crackup:

For future reference, when is girl is REALLY polite with you and REALLY nice/friendly.....she is typically not at all interested in you. It is a girl's way of subconsciously compensating their guilt for not liking you. (Note: a girl has to have a conscience to do so).

btw, I'm kidding about the coffee thing. Just man up, go out with her and treat her as a friend. Use it as an opportunity to increase your social circle. Don't close doors.

She sounds nice.

 

[ARrocket]

Good advice here. I have three things to add.

1) Stop framing it as "treating her to show appreciation." Are you doing that out of fear, making it sound like you're not asking her out? It's weak dude, cut that out. If you wanna grab a drink with her, just say that - no pretense necessary.

2) She still will meet because you said you'd pay. Duh.

3) I disagree with Harry on one thing. Drinks are the best date.

 

[VladPatton]

I would of nixed it. I would of said "oh, ok, I didn't know you had a bf, see you around...bye!" and then delete her number, too much drama already. Let ski dude deal with her bųllṣhit.