Not looking for a Relationship...?

[Higherbeing]

Hey guys,
So I got a little issue on my hands that I haven't seen covered anywhere else, so I figured I'd start off a thread asking for a lil advise...

So lemme give u guys a quick overview of the story...
A month or so ago, I was a at work and decided to get some food, so i pulled up to the nearest fast food joint and pulled into the drive thru. While sitting there waiting for the guy ahead of me to pull up for me to take a look at the menu, I notice this cute girl pull up behind me in the drive thru... I sit there and look and think, wow I want her number. Not knowing what else to do I grabbed a piece of paper, wrote down my number, then gave it to the guy in the window, and told him to pass my number on to the car behind me. Sure enough, 30mins later I get a phone call from the girl. We talk for days until we decided and meet up to actually see each other... So we go out to starbucks, have a coffee... Both of us had a great time... So few days later she came to my house to watch a movie... during the movie she made the first move and started cuddeling up with me... Few more dates down the line, and we're making out, and all that (havent gone all the way)... She invited me over to her house for christmas (she's non religious and doesnt celebrate xmas, and I'm away from home, so got no one to hang out with)... I stay there for 3 days, sleeping in her bed with her, cuddeling and doing all the lovey-dovey stuff... So then the conversation about relationships start... She told me she was seeing other guys besides me (which I'm ok with, I'm not her BF, i cant tell her who to see and hang out with)... but she says out of all the guys, she likes me the most, she feels comfortable with me, I'm nice, I'm hot, she has fun with me, she's honest with me and i dont judge her etc... But she doesnt want a relationship... Naturally I had to ask what the deal is... These are the clues I got from her.... She's alittle scared of my age... I'm 22yrs old, she's 26 yrs old. I'm still in college untill June, graduating with an AS, she just graduated with a BS 2 weeks ago. I've been telling her, my age doesnt mean a thing, and she agrees. She says I'm very mature for my age, and I act more mature than some 30yr olds she has met. The second clue I got was that she is scared of a relationship because she was in a abusive one before (how abusive i dont know)... and then the third reason is a few months ago she was taken advantage of when she was drunk, and she ended up filing rape charges... I guess she's been having issues getting over the incident that happened to her, but when she's around me, she's fine, I've never seen it being an issue... She said she needs time to heal, and she apologized for me meeting her in this "state" because she feels that she's sorta "using me" to get over her problems, and she's worried that days/weeks/months down the road she will drop me for someone else... So now I'm confused.... When I'm around her, everything seems ok, everything seems to be on the right path... but then she throws up the "Not looking for a relationship" sign... What does this mean? What does she really want? What should I do? I'm confused...

help would definitely be appreciated

 

[muscleman]

All of this confusion is based on one fact: you haven't had sex with her. Why would you cuddle and do all the "lovey dovey" before being intimate?

My tip for what it's worth: next time you're alone together, go for sex. If she doesn't go for it, leave. If she does, it will answer a lot of your questions.

 

[Higherbeing]

I've tried... trust me, I've tried... She's given me a hand job, and I've fingered her... but just haven gotten the entire way yet... Last time she said it was very tempting to have sex, hell she even said she thinks it would "probably be a lot of fun" but she said she doesnt want to have sex with to many guys because shes scared of being a wh ore, and she said she's scared that she will mess with my emotions...

 

[j0n024]

What it's only 1 guy and that's you ...unless your like 4 diff guys which is in no way possible....I suggest you go to her place she goes to yours and just escalate and keep escalating till either you have her shirt off OR she keeps blocking to to which you should reply "Leave." You have no reason to stay with a chick that wont let you fvck her but still tell you that she doesnt have time for a relation..good luck man.

 

[Higherbeing]

so i guess the best solution is patience, and persistence huh?

 

[Interceptor]

Do YOU really want her?
IS she really ADDING and ENHANICING your LIFE?
What is it about her that makes you drop every other woman for her?
Do you truly feel that she gives you more than you give her?

What do YOU want in a relationship?

Are you comfortable asserting your standards, in terms iof WHAT you feel you DESERVE and what YOU Really WANT?


Whatever it is, is your current 'relationship" satisfying you in this way?

Are you aware that she is TELLING you how it is? In that, she is getting mor eout of it, on HER terms, than you?



What is your mission in life?

Why are you so concerned with her if you are focusing on your mission in life?

 

[Microphone Fiend]

When I'm around her, everything seems ok, everything seems to be on the right path... but then she throws up the "Not looking for a relationship" sign... What does this mean? What does she really want? What should I do? I'm confused...

Confused about what? Her honesty about her lack of desire for a relationship seems to be too much for you to handle. If you cant enjoy just a slice of the pie maybe you should shop elsewhere... I disagree with the other posters in thinkin sex will solve your problem because you obviously want more than just the sex, you want a relationship as well. Sex might boost things with you and her because I think she wanted that from the beginning, but what of it afterwards? After you get a nut I doubt she will suddenly want a LTR (@ least not an exclusive one) I think she is telling you how she isn't ready for a relationship because you are all lovey-dovey and she isnt ready for a relationship



P.S....

Am I the only one getting red flags ALL OVER this one. Let me get this straight. She has been raped, tells you she needs time to heal, tells you she feels like she might drop you for someone down the road AND was in an abusive relationship before? Why do you want to wife up this chick? With all due respect, don't be another Captain-Save-a-ho, lord knows there is enough of them already in the world. Just enjoy the time you spend with her and be on the hunt/lookout for new girls

 

[Interceptor]

Am I the only one getting red flags ALL OVER this one

um...no.

 

[Higherbeing]

Do YOU really want her?
IS she really ADDING and ENHANICING your LIFE?
Well, out of all the women I've met, I got to say she's prolly one of the smartest I've met, plus she's a geek just like me, so i think she's one of the few that can appreciate my geeky side

What is it about her that makes you drop every other woman for her?
Pretty much answered above, plus the fact she's extremely nice to me, and i like her randomness

Do you truly feel that she gives you more than you give her?
At this point its 50/50, and I'm comfortable with that ratio

What do YOU want in a relationship?
Yes

Are you comfortable asserting your standards, in terms iof WHAT you feel you DESERVE and what YOU Really WANT?
I just got out of a total 2 year bull**** relationship not to long ago, I reevaluated my life, my standards, and everything i believed it, tore it down, and rebuild myself. (thanks to this site) I think I'm ready to try again, and not repeat the mistakes I've made before


Whatever it is, is your current 'relationship" satisfying you in this way?
Well, I'm happy with the current situation.. But for some reason I think that if we do start fvckin, I want excusivness with her

Are you aware that she is TELLING you how it is? In that, she is getting mor eout of it, on HER terms, than you? fvck, thanks for pointing that out, so no i did not realize that... I guess thats where another problem comes in, how to i flip the table?



What is your mission in life?
Be successful, get my job and school straight and make money

Why are you so concerned with her if you are focusing on your mission in life?
I'm not sure how to respond to that... She's not distracting me from my goals in life, at all. And hell, I wont let her.
[/QUOTE

Captain-Save-a-ho <- that was fuvkin hilarious btw

 

[Higherbeing]

Confused about what? Her honesty about her lack of desire for a relationship seems to be too much for you to handle. If you cant enjoy just a slice of the pie maybe you should shop elsewhere... I disagree with the other posters in thinkin sex will solve your problem because you obviously want more than just the sex, you want a relationship as well. Sex might boost things with you and her because I think she wanted that from the beginning, but what of it afterwards? After you get a nut I doubt she will suddenly want a LTR (@ least not an exclusive one) I think she is telling you how she isn't ready for a relationship because you are all lovey-dovey and she isnt ready for a relationship



P.S....

Am I the only one getting red flags ALL OVER this one. Let me get this straight. She has been raped, tells you she needs time to heal, tells you she feels like she might drop you for someone down the road AND was in an abusive relationship before? Why do you want to wife up this chick? With all due respect, don't be another Captain-Save-a-ho, lord knows there is enough of them already in the world. Just enjoy the time you spend with her and be on the hunt/lookout for new girls

No offence taken...

I like the girl, thats why I want a LTR... but I am keeping my options open... out of all the other girls she's just #1 right now... so naturally I'm considering a LTR.. but for the first time in my life the girl isnt begging me for a LTR, in fact pushing me away in a way... so thats whats confusing me... its a situation I havent been in before, and I'm not sure if she's telling me what she really wants, or what the deal is...

 

[Interceptor]

:rockon:

Looking good, higherbeing.

OK, Interceptor 'mind dump" on.


My feeling is that she does add something, not a WHOLE lot, but enough that you enjoy it. I feel you're getting intimacy and some companionship. A glorified 'friendhsip'.
I don't sense a traditional Masculine/Femenine Role situation. In that you are sexual, and dominant, and are acting out of your masculine power mode, and more importantly that she defers to you and perceives you that wayl.


My fear is that without sexuality, over time the relationship may take a downward turn, into ta dreaded LJBF category, and you will NOT be looked upon as the masculine, sexual warrior that you have the potential to be and the way you deserve to be perceived and treated as.

Sure, there is some experimental physical intimacy, but most women do not count that as anything meaningful.

And I am hoping that becasue of this little bit of physicality she is 'allowing"
that you don't get 'hooked" into staying with her, when you might be getting the short end of the stick.

Look, MEN need SEX. So do women, but sometimes women use it to further their own agenda too.
If you have enough self control, you won't be drooling and panting like a hungry and thirsty dog. Women use sex as a weapon, and bargaining tool/ Some men do too of course.
But we're examining your situation right now.

If you were getting YOUR needs (emotional. mental, physical) met OUTSIDE of this relationship, being with her, and any frame or criteria of hers would not have as a pronounced and deep impact on you.

When women are 'rationing' it out, and you're waiting and negotiating, it's not THE BEST and IDEAL environment to start a monogamous, exclusive romantic LTR.
She is setting a foundation, a Frame. In which YOU Wait in abstinence and invountary celibacy, while SHE has the power to decide your fate over you.

While you're getting some thing out of it, (and IMHO, don't feel you're getting a fair deal here. And I feel that you're already 'hooked" on this girl) she is getting her emotional needs met, and trying to keep you around with some trivial physical 'touching".
She knows if you have any scrap of manliness in you , you will be wanting the hardcore sooner or later.
I dont know what she will do then.
..but I do know that you shoudln't be asking her about 'status' or 'wanting a relationship' or 'going steady". OR 'when are we going to have sex??!!"type of talk.




Start having the mindset that you will pursue, date, and be sexual with other women while you're "with' this woman, and actually DO IT.
Simply realzie that you have a RIGHT to happpiness and romantic fulfillment.
And that you deserve to enjoy thsat type of relationship.
Let her know that thsi is what you;re going to do.

"Look, babe. I understand that you need time and space. You're not actively looking to be exclusive with any one person right now. I undestyand that, and I respect your decisiont to do so.
And you know how I feel about you. I really enjoy your company and you're a wonderful woman.
But, it just seems too weird for me to be so close to you, and not be in an exclusive relationship with you. I feel that until you sort out your issue with intimacy and loyalty , trust and commitment, I don't see how this can go on like this, in this way.
I like being with you, and I do likeyou. But I just have this feeling that we should be 'together". , as a couple.
But you say that's not what you want right now.
So we can be friends and 'hang out", but as 'friends', as in like watch TV and stuff, but nothing deep or serious. Because that's an emotional intimacy that I don't feel as comfortable with you in return for 'just friends'."


VALUE YOUR RESOURCES.
Don't be the 'emotional tampon".


Don't let someone take them from you without giving you something in return.

OK, comments?








My hunch is that she WILL kepp her options open". Inthat, she will probably have sex with some guy, nomatter how many times she verbally explains that she may not.
SHe will find the right guy, at the right time, whether she has a vow or not, or whatever she has.

 

[Higherbeing]

great response Interceptor, and its making alittle more sense to me...

I've noticed that I was becoming hooked with the girl, so I unhooked myself... I've developed a skill to kill emotions thru out the years, so its not hard for me to stay away from her for days.... Like right now, havent talked to her in 48hrs, and wont talk to her till new years... but for new years I'm looking for a game plan...

So, Interceptor, if i understand you right, I should keep her, but keep her at a safe distance till things clear up with her, and while thats going on, do my own thing, and see where it goes? That sounds reasonable, and easily done.

Any other pointers or comments? I'd love to hear em