Not giving herself fully into the relationship -- leave her?

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Ok so forgive me if it is not mentioned above cuz I didnt read it.

Yes you are correct with the fact that she is different from the rest. And I'll tell you why: you said that you are her first for everything. That is definitely a positive. But that doesn't mean to let your guard down.

Just for the record, everyone I know who has stuck it out through the hard times does not regret it. I recommend you do this too because she will be afraid to go after someone else if you 2 click so well and you are her first for everything.

 

[lover4721]

Ok so forgive me if it is not mentioned above cuz I didnt read it.

Yes you are correct with the fact that she is different from the rest. And I'll tell you why: you said that you are her first for everything. That is definitely a positive. But that doesn't mean to let your guard down.

Just for the record, everyone I know who has stuck it out through the hard times does not regret it. I recommend you do this too because she will be afraid to go after someone else if you 2 click so well and you are her first for everything.

Never had a boyfriend -- bad first sexual experience -- etc. She is always telling me how her and I match so perfectly with sexual needs, and how oral is her fantasy and how amazing it is that I want to do it, whereas the other guy didn't like it and yeah, that was the end of her night.

I just don't see her leaving easily.

I tried to leave many times but she continues coming back.

The bottom line is I'm confused on how to get this situated back to who we were. We were dating, happy, she was thinking of me, etc.

Now I feel like she fears getting close to me because in the summer, she thinks I'll feel insignificant again and will leave.
I feel like we had too many bad moments and this has influenced her to guard herself again.

But yeah. I don't want to go cold shoulder AGAIN for like the 10th time!, because she is expecting me to do that. She is expecting me to run away like a little b1tch...

She wants me to 'fight for her', and give her that strong relationship.
It's her first -- she even says it's like a 'crush' and she wants this long-term. It is a good sign. I can pickup well, and maintain a relationship perfectly. However, again, I'm bad at transitioning.

I basically told her that I don't feel very significant because she has sorority things and I feel like she makes that more important. I also said I wanted to be more. She wanted to be more too... I know it her job to suggest this, and she did! She wanted to be exclusive. However, I feel like this isn't going any further.

I said I just want to have a strong relationship.

Honestly -- I want to walk away. There are a lot of red flags. But when we are good and emotionally stable, it is amazing. It's purely amazing.

So I just don't know how to approach this.
Small chit chat, or talk to her about it and ask if it can be forgotten, like she did the day before with me!

 

[G_Govan]

She wants new men. Just because youre a girls first does not mean she'll want to be with you forever or that she is relationship material. My ex was a 19yr old virgin several years ago when we dated in college, and this same stuff happened.

She wasn't ready for a relationship as serious as ours was, and she ended up being interested in new guys. My being her first didn't matter...nor did all the times she said she loved me before. Her actions said she wanted out and wanted to be young, care free, and date new people.

Go no contact OP. It's the only way.

Had a friend who believed that whole sex with a virgin will bond her to you. It's an absolute fallacy.

He kept telling everyone he was a "one man woman" while she went on vacation and had sex with another dude.

To her credit, she actually told him about it and didn't have to or at least he never would've known otherwise. I would've just turned it into a FWB situation since they were so young but he was of course crushed and couldn't handle it.

We're so unprepared when young, by design of course. This thread is proof of that.

 

[lover4721]

She seems to be pushing me away.

She is copying exactly what I've been doing...not replying to text messages.

She also says she hasn't eaten either.

AND, said that she is trying hard not to miss me, and doesn't know what to do. I said 'just miss me' and she said 'I can't.' Then she says 'So Um... I miss you.'

It seems to me she is trying to get over me, by pushing me away. I did it with her the entire time together...

I think I am going to go no-contact I guess.

I looked at her sorority Facebook, and her BIG was into it SO much! I feel so insignificant.

How do you feel significant to someone when they have outside interests?

 

[donking]

She seems to be pushing me away.

She is copying exactly what I've been doing...not replying to text messages.

She also says she hasn't eaten either.

AND, said that she is trying hard not to miss me, and doesn't know what to do. I said 'just miss me' and she said 'I can't.' Then she says 'So Um... I miss you.'

It seems to me she is trying to get over me, by pushing me away. I did it with her the entire time together...

I think I am going to go no-contact I guess.

I looked at her sorority Facebook, and her BIG was into it SO much! I feel so insignificant.

How do you feel significant to someone when they have outside interests?

Bro, do you have any hobbies or friends?

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

If she is pushing you away, then go away. Give her what she wants and make her fix her mistake(s) for doing that. Her loss, not yours.

 

[lover4721]

Yeah I get it.

I guess I'm stuck between wondering if I should continue to talk to her and such or don't give her much contact.

She is good, when I don't act like a jealous b1tch. Once I am jealous that she is having fun without me, I feel insignificant.
Not jealous of having fun, I don't know what it is.

Then I left. Now she isn't giving me much attention because I left and she is afraid that she won't make me feel significant enough or something. She is afraid I'll leave again.

She has been good lately. Messaging me when I don't reply, saying she misses me a lot. I don't reply, then she said it again.

But yeah. She also hates when people ignore her. She starts to worry.

So that's that. That's what I needed help with.

If I leave, then she will be right about me, always leaving and being a b1tch. Or do I pull away?

It was just confusing.

I want to give it my best shot. I go after what I want, right? Or do I run away like a b1tch?

 

[Igetit!]

Yeah I get it.

I guess I'm stuck between wondering if I should continue to talk to her and such or don't give her much contact.

She is good, when I don't act like a jealous b1tch. Once I am jealous that she is having fun without me, I feel insignificant.
Not jealous of having fun, I don't know what it is.

Then I left. Now she isn't giving me much attention because I left and she is afraid that she won't make me feel significant enough or something. She is afraid I'll leave again.

She has been good lately. Messaging me when I don't reply, saying she misses me a lot. I don't reply, then she said it again.

But yeah. She also hates when people ignore her. She starts to worry.

So that's that. That's what I needed help with.

If I leave, then she will be right about me, always leaving and being a b1tch. Or do I pull away?

It was just confusing.

I want to give it my best shot. I go after what I want, right? Or do I run away like a b1tch?

OH my Gawd.....

dude.......DAMN....

You know,it's not that often I do this......but this is one situation where I'm gonna have to side with THE GIRL.

You know what the best thing that could happen here is? The BEST THING that could happen here is for this girl to DUMP YOU on your ash.

Her dropping you off on the side of the road and moving on to someone else would be A GIFT to you.

This girl is actually doing what WE TEACH on here. She's doing what YOU SHOULD BE doing.

You feel insignificant because she has A LIFE. She has friends,hobbies and interests,while all you have is HER.

You say...

Yeah I get it.

Dude.....lol.....you're SO FAR away from "getting it",it's almost not even funny.



You say......

Funny -- I haven't placed my happiness on her. If I did, I never told her.

Yes you did. You may not realize it...but YOU DID. You told her that when you told her you felt insignificant to her because of her sorority.

Ok,uhh......so what is she supposed to do......drop all her family,friends,hobbies and interest,and be with you 24 hours a day?

She gotta stay within eyeshot of you so you can make sure she's not having fun without you.....right?

Then you say....

She is good, when I don't act like a jealous b1tch. Once I am jealous that she is having fun without me, I feel insignificant.

So if she does something and has fun AWAY FROM YOU,you feel insignificant. So I guess she can't hang with her friends or see a funny movie,cause the second you see she's having fun,you start to feel like nothing to her.

That's why that member "Donking" asked you if you have any hobbies or friends....he was trying to see if you have a life OUTSIDE OF HER.....like SHE DOES independent of YOU.


You're making a serious mistake here,one that DOESN'T HAVE TO BE. You're making this girl YOUR LIFE.....and that's gonna bite you in the @ss.

You being NEEDY to feel significant to her is eventually gonna push her away. And when it does,don't come here whining and dogging her out,cause it'll be 100% YOUR FAULT.

 

[lover4721]

So what would you say if it were the opposite?

If I had too many friends, and she felt like she couldn't compete with all of them. She wonders 'What makes me different from them? Why don't you date them?' -- she says she doesn't want to tell me 'don't have any girl friends!', but unsure on how she compares to them.

It could be her not trusting me (every couple in her family is divorced and she know's it is coming for her) OR feeling no different from the rest of the girls I give my attention to. She said she doesn't feel significant because I have so many girl friends and I am unavailable most of the time. She even knows I'm dating other women! She knows I still have my OkCupid profile, which she deactivated hers.

She hates when I say her and I are friends. She doesn't want to be 'friends'.

She said "I can't fear that one day you'll just get up and leave. If you want to, then leave now." So Wednesday, I left.
I went a day without talking until she kept text messaging, in a panic attack, not being able to breathe. Day after, she said she will never act like that in front of me again. Once, last week, TOTAL 3 days -- she thought I was dead...
Every week, I disconnect.
Again, I play this game too hard. Hell, she is the one setting up dates, and I suggest the activity.


I play this 'do not make her important' game too hard, to where I don't know when to stop.

She feels like one of these days, I am going to leave again and it be for good.

I do it every damn week -- how long do I have to continue? I keep playing this 'you're no good for me, you're worthless, and not important' game daily and she wants something 'stronger' and exclusive.

I enjoy your advice, thank you.

Yes, I have way too many friends that are pulling my arms and legs in every direction more than you can count to.
I am very emotionally unavailable to this woman.
She competes with many women who are dying for a chance, telling me to move on.
That's the problem.

I guess from all of that, you can understand that I do play this game correctly. The problem is she is scared about this, and fears that one day I'll get up and leave and she will have to go through suffering like she did with the other guy she knew for 9 months (he left without a word!). Then she met some random kid, and it didn't go too well, now she is dealing with sexual trauma. Friends hated her, kid called her terrible things, etc. That hurt her too.

So she had this terrible past, and now isn't giving me so much trust because she fears too much... And that's my problem. She isn't putting herself into this, and is constantly thinking I will leave, and isn't giving me much trust.
That's why I feel insignificant.

 

[stevo]

I am very emotionally unavailable to this woman.
She competes with many women who are dying for a chance, telling me to move on.
That's the problem.

So she had this terrible past, and now isn't giving me so much trust because she fears too much... And that's my problem. She isn't putting herself into this, and is constantly thinking I will leave, and isn't giving me much trust.
That's why I feel insignificant.

:crackup:

I'd give it to you, you know how to keep a funny thread. I can't stop laughing.

Have you heard of Capt'n Save-A-Hoe syndrome?

I hope we are not wasting our time, trying to save you from a burn.

You are doing everything right to lose this girl. Send me a check when it becomes a reality.

What can you do?

First of all, breathe! You are consciously suffocating yourself with hopes that some day this girl would need that oxygen. Make sense to you? maybe you understand why your thread make people laugh.

Second, get your priority straight. NOTHING IS PROMISED.
You can't worry about her worrying.
You want her to know she does have the chance of losing you. If you take that knowledge away from her by promising a continued relationship, she would fcuk someone else. Send me a check when that happens.

Third, do not cuff a chic.
If she wants to go do sorority activities, let her go.
If she wants to get wasted and party every night, let her.
The only girl you lose your mind over for these is your daughter, which this girl is not.

Fourth, stop this conversational cycle and focus on going on dates, keeping it light and funny, fcuking her. Rinse, repeat.


You told a girl you feel insignificant to her? how is she supposed to fcuk you after you say a sheet like that?

You've been on here too long to not have a clue.

 

[lover4721]

Yeah, it must be hilarious.

Anyhow, haven't talked to her all day. She asked how I was doing, and said amazing and she got jealous. Busy all day, haven't talked. Told her I would message later, and she messaged me instead. Then told her I'll message later, and I did. She asked to go on our picnic on Wednesday.

So how do you expect me to continue this?

Become distant to her, barely talking? OR continue to be 'friendly' towards her, and show effort, which she says she needs?

I added a lot of extra info, which would help people understand what she needs, but it did the opposite.

****ing her? She isn't even willing to let her virginity go... and her sexual abuse past (verbal, when meeting someone randomly, it didn't go as expected and told him to stop) has basically ruined her completely.
It's not easy.

That's why I'm asking everyone BUT her, on what she truly needs... because she doesn't even know!

 

[Obsidian]

Just tell her that weekends-only for the summer is perfectly fine with you. For crying out loud.