not doing so hot 1 month after breakup

[docv]

so i posted on the DJ forum and then i realized this one is specifically for older people (i'm 28 my ex is 23 ). so i was hoping some of you could give some different advice.

as i said in my original posting, the love of my life left me about a month ago after 5 years on and off and began ignoring all attempts to contact her. she was just fed up with little things and began confiding in her idiot GF at work who was in her ear about breaking up. nothing major happened, like cheating etc. but it was sort of a messy breakup since her family got involved (moved her out of the place). it really sucks because in the 2 months before the breakup i had been working overtime to get a promotion that i ended up getting a few days after she left. i'm an engineer and i make about 3.5 times what she does..

well, its been a month and i have lost quite a bit of weight. i know she has checked up on me from time to time on AOL to see what my away messages are. and i know that her girlfriend checks up on me a couple times a week and might be reporting back to her how i am doing (i've made to sure to let them think i have met someone else and am doing just fine!).

i've covered the entire internet trying to find ideas on how to get her back, so i dont expect to find anything different here. i'm not really sure what to do at this point, i've been trying to focus on myself and feel better but i am having a hard time. i even had an engagement ring for her that i spent $8k on.

i know she didnt leave for another guy and i know she is still single now. i'm not sure what else to say but if any of you older guys can help me out i would really appreciate it because i am having a very hard time coping.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Docv,

What you are dealing with here is the withdrawal symptoms of an emotional involvement that has gone badly. It happens, man---and it's happened to MANY of us here. I have found that usually what we call "love" is really more of an emotional attachment that has an obsessive aspect to it

This is mainly due to the fact that we fail to maintain enough of our individuality in relationships, and thus lose much of our objectivity and rationale in the process.

Recognize that this woman DOESN'T want you anymore and find the positive---THE BLESSING, in that fact.

What if she would have remained an "ACTRESS" and kept pretending to be into you when she really wasn't?

What if she would have married you, THEN dropped the "I am really NOT interested in you enough to stay in this relationship" bomb on you?

What if she waited to tell you that AFTER the 3rd child???

Refocus your perception, soldier! Now you are FREE to find a chick who will be WORTH that ring you bought. But for right now, I'd suggest you return it and buy yo' dam self somethin' YOU'VE always wanted!!!!

But I suggest that you NOT rush into anything even halfway serious, exclusive, or marriage-minded with ANY woman you meet in the near future. You have stated that you already realize that you should focus on yourself, so continue to do that.

One way to do that in a round-about way is to focus on doing things for OTHER people. I know that SOUNDS off-kilter, but it is ironically true. When I say do things for other people, I'm NOT talking about other women you're interested in---but rather, other PEOPLE who can benefit from the many positive aspects of the man that you are----Like friends, family, churches, synagogues, underprivleged youth, or what have you.

You mentioned that you have obtained great success in your career, why not USE that success to mentor younger kids to possibly follow in your footsteps one day. Or if you have a hobby that you've been neglecting due to time spent in that relationship----take it back up NOW, but with a vengeance!

I tell you all this NOT as a way to escape the work you need to do on yourself, but rather to augment your better qualitiies and to boost your weakened self image. You see, soldier, CONFIDENCE is often situation specific. You can be THE MAN at work and be not-so-much the man in your private life.

But the funny thing IS, is that confidence in one area CAN spread to other areas of your life. The key is to make a decisive effort to transfer and INTEGRATE that same sense of ease, relaxation, and comfortability that you have on your job into the areas of your life that need that INSPIRATION INFUSION. Do you see what I mean?

Here's a practical mind-trick you can do, as well:

Condition yourself to IMMEDIATELY do something good and life-affirming for YOU, or for other people you care about the MINUTE you think of this chick. This is a great way to have just the THOUGHT of this chick actually be a motivator---a call to POSITIVE ACTION.

This is how you can train yourself to STOP FANTASIZING about this chick and what MIGHT have been. Because, you NEVER really know HOW things could have ultimately gone. But for a quick glimpse of what might have been, I'd advise you to take a look back up at some of the "what if" scenarios I spelled out for you EARLIER in this post.

Now, as you DO work on yourself, it's cool and may be healthy to eventually start meeting other chicks. But don't fall into the trap of trying to make THESE chicks into the chick you just escaped from. (Notice how I just re-framed what happened at the end of your relationship? There is HUGE self-empowering value in viewing it from THIS perspective---trust me.).

Let ALL interactions with subsequent babes unfold as they will. Do NOT try to make things into something that they are NOT. Relax, relate, and release, soldier...and you will find that over the passage of time, your life, your perspective, and your prospects in WOMEN will be better than you can actually imagine right now.

The day is COMING, when you will look back at the day you started this thread and it will seem like it was written by a DIFFERENT person. THAT'S when you'll KNOW you have grown past the hurt.

We got your back, soldier.

Welcome to the War.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Oh, and I'd have been remiss if I did not post THIS to you also:



The Victory Unlimited New Recruit Briefing:



Consider the information you get here as WEAPONS for you to sample. Pick out a few, try them out, use them on a few FIELD MISSIONS, THEN decide whether or not THAT weapon is worthy to be added to YOUR arsenal.

If not, then throw it away and yank another big assed Uzi from off the DJ Gunrack. Do this until you get SO comfortable using the techniques, strategies, and weapons that you INTERNALIZE THEM---and they become a part of who YOU are. You must focus on becoming a LIVING WEAPON.

Never change anything you like about yourself (ESPECIALLY if it's working) just because the DJ Bible or some famous poster says it's Whack. Filter your training here through the lens of behaviors that you have ALREADY battle-tested for yourself. Is who YOU are working? Or is it NOT?

Dont' fall into the trap of HORIZONTAL THINKING and assume like many here that ALL women are EXACTLY the same. Yes, there are MANY similiarities, so ONLY those that break the mold in a POSITIVE way should merit more than 5 minutes of your concentrated attention. Until one rises to the top by the BEHAVIORS towards you that she exhibits, treat them all the same.

Continue to focus on being a better man. Sosuave is just a headquarters, a training ground, a military school for you to use to build yoursef into a TRUE MASCULINE MAN. In MY branch of the sosuave Armed Services, this is defined as a MAN who rules himself----and is NOT ruled by women, his hormones, his weaknesses, OR the 'half-assed" opinions of other people. So BATTLE-TEST everything...

As you go about your missions, you will find that there are women that you need to use only a minimum amount of strategies, techniques, and weapons to engage. And you will also meet women who REQUIRE that you use your WHOLE arsenal in order to engage. Much of this depends on how high that woman's interest in YOU actually is.

Growth into a mature man is often predicated on how well you can discern the two apart, AND how DEDICATED you are to ONLY engaging those women that you suspect will ultimately ADD to your life rather than detract from it.

Welcome to the War, soldier.

You HAVE been briefed.

March on!

 

[docv]

damn man. thank you for the lenghty and thoughtful reply to my situation. i really appreciate the insight. i understand what you're telling me and i realize it makes sense but i'm stuck in that stage where i cant help but think about if this chic is going to try to come back. am i fooling myself to think that is possible at any point in the near future? i know i shouldnt even toy with the idea, but i cant help it.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Docv,


I have found out that romantic love is all about Interest Level. Interest level has to be maintained throughout the relationship by BOTH party's display of positive, selfless actions towards each other.

However, ONCE that interest level drops below a certain point, then chances of the girl coming back to you is slim. But think about this: Do you REALLY want a woman back in your life after she has dumped you once before?

Hopefully, over time, your answer to that question will be a QUICK, and resounding "NO"! But right now, I understand that your EMOTIONS are probably all over the map right now. Which is why you need to keep focusing on doing the things I've outlined in the two previous posts. Just keep marching ahead and the pains and disapppointments of this past relationship WILL get further and further in the distance as you look BACK at them.

Unfortunately, it's all a process.

But back on the subject of the babe coming back, and why that it is usually NOT a good thing 9 times out of 10:

Usually, when a woman who dumped you comes back into your life it's because whatever or whoever she dumped you for----didn't work out like she THOUGHT it would. So the reason they come back is to use you as a port in the storm, a waiting room, or a weigh station------but ONLY until they collect themselves, build back up their resolve, and THEN once again leave you for what they THINK is a better option.

It is for THIS reason, that it is usually best to focus on moving on and exploring other options rather than to sit and wait on your "feminine tormentor" to come back to you.

Don't be a glutton for punishment. And STOP punishing yourself. Disengage from spending your time focusing on her. What ever you focus on GROWS, and whatever you ignore SHRINKS into nothingness. Reset the focus of your mental magnifying glass onto empowering things.

Remember, HERS is NOT a special "vagina" to YOU anymore. She removed herself from that position of honor when she removed her interest from you as a whole. This makes her nothing but JUST ANOTHER GIRL now.

And because of this, THAT'S how YOU should begin programming yourself to think of her...and that's "if" you think of her AT ALL. At this point, do NOT continue to do yourself the dishonor of expending your emotional resources on a situation that is giving you nothing but PAIN as a return.

Stay strong.

STAY BUSY.

The rest WILL take care of itself.

 

[STR8UP]

Watch the movie "SWINGERS". Ten times back to back if you have to.

I'm not kidding.

 

[docv]

Watch the movie "SWINGERS". Ten times back to back if you have to.

I'm not kidding.

thanks guys. i'm going to pull myself out of this sooner than later.

 

[chuchu]

Pack up and go find her. You've got to juice it out.

Let the pain lick itself up to your bone.

Work out or not. Come back and learn to play the game right. Seems like her interest level dropped. It's check mate, mate.

And do yourself a favor, return the 8k ring. That 8k might give you more happiness than any woman in the world can.

Good luck

 

[WaterTiger]

Like ChuChu says, TAKE BACK THE RING! Never spend more than a grand on the engagement ring. Period! I don't care what the "Diamond Experts" on TV tell you to spend. The ring is a symbol of a mutual promise to marry. If she wants to be your wife, a simple ring won't change her mind. If it does, then she's a gold-digger. (DAAAAAMN! 8K...that's like buying her a car!)

She broke up with you, I'm assuming she's gone for ever. Follow your own hype and FIND A NEW GIRL, some one to help you through the rebound. It will take time to get over this, but you'll make it.:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 

[KarmaSutra]

the love of my life left me about a month ago

This is the problem, not the symptom. You should think of this as a baby step to your future not the nail in your coffin. Too many guys suffer from this defeatist mentality. It's pathetic and arbitrary in the best of cases.

You miss the drama she brought to your life when instead you should be sighing a breath of fresh air you're not shackled with this cvnt a moment longer.

Karma's Law #4 -

Learn to be a happy,thriving single man who is content with his purpose and control of his own destiny first and foremost. Only then can you even begin to think of sharing your time with women. If you're a miserable bastard what do you think a woman will bring to your life and you to hers?

 

[grinder]

Have you ever read or seen any of those stories on people who get trapped in cults? Their families try to get them out but they won’t budge because they’ve been so thoroughly brainwashed that they can’t possibly conceive being happy out of the cult. They have no individuated personality outside of the cult.

It is so powerful that it warps their entire thought process.

Even when their families kidnap them out of the cult and go through lengthy deprogramming routines, if suitable alternatives to the cult are not available. They go back.

The post-cult member must deprogram their thought.
The post-cult member must develop an individuated personality.
The post-cult member must not stagnate, must move on with their lives.

When you make statements like “the love of my life” and “I’ve lost quite a bit of weight” you are demonstrating your thoughts continue to be warped, you have no personality/life outside of her, and you are stagnant.

You are in the “Love of my Life” or “Soulmate” cult.

I’m not sure you realize how deep you are in, because, you are not here because we ripped you out of your cult, you are here because your cult ABANDONED YOU!

Ouch, seems rather grim. But, before you drink that Kool-Aid, I’d like to point out that simply being here is your best chance to get out of the cult.

Read the Bible to begin to deprogram yourself, peruse the other sections on getting your sh*t together and becoming a powerful man, and for god’s sake, DO something. Try boot camp.

 

[jonwon]

so i posted on the DJ forum and then i realized this one is specifically for older people (i'm 28 my ex is 23 ). so i was hoping some of you could give some different advice.

as i said in my original posting, the love of my life left me about a month ago after 5 years on and off and began ignoring all attempts to contact her.
QUOTE]

You may not know it yet, but this is a very good thing indeed.

I say this to each man that as ever been and will ever be.

Every man should be 'hurt' at some stage in there life from a girl.
What does not kill you makes you stronger.

From what you posted, i KNOW this is a good thing you just dont know it yet.

So effected by this, when instead the REAL MAN deep in your core is still learning and i know the REAL man in there would have not let it get to this stage, i am not saying your GF would have stayed but the MAN that is to come would have known how to handle the situation bad or good, left or stay, the real man in there would have not beed AS effected.

Anyway your in good hands the above posters are spot on and always a pleasure to read Victory

Time is a healer:

If you want tips on where to proceed in the form of the 'girl'

You MUST:
Be seen to be enjoying yourself
Do not beg her to come back
BE seen with other girls if you can
Start dating or sleeping around.
Show you are 'happy' without her.

The above are essential.

But most men start to pander and beg and plead and try to 'change' to suit what some other person wants, it may work but it is only temporay and each time you chance to suit some one else ideal your only becoming a simple ego toy, that as no foundation other then 'what they want', another trap of the plead game, its a road not one should ever travel on unless you prefer to supplicate and not be on an equal footing.

Never ever ever ever x 10000000000000000 beg a women back who dumped you EVER, go out and have FUN!

the only relationships you should be focusing on now are your old neglected buddies and start going out again.

DONT make her come back out of PITY.

If she is to come back its to beg for forgiveness for make a fuc*ing HUGE MISTAKE, do you get that??? read it again, cos this is how it HAS to be, no other way! if she does not beg for forgivness consider it a lucky escape, you still have a long way to go and being dumped was VERY GOOD for you, sorry to say.

 

[docv]

If you want tips on where to proceed in the form of the 'girl'

You MUST:
Be seen to be enjoying yourself
Do not beg her to come back
BE seen with other girls if you can
Start dating or sleeping around.
Show you are 'happy' without her.

The above are essential.

If she is to come back its to beg for forgiveness for make a fuc*ing HUGE MISTAKE, do you get that??? read it again, cos this is how it HAS to be, no other way! if she does not beg for forgivness consider it a lucky escape, you still have a long way to go and being dumped was VERY GOOD for you, sorry to say.

this advice is golden and it is what i have been starting 2 weeks after she left. i've been camping out in my apt ordering dominos and drinking soda for weeks (but playing it off like i am just perfect - her friend and her have been checking up on me aon AOL away messages).

thank you victory and jon and the rest for being supportive with the priceless advice. i'll update this thread sooner than later with an update regarding how i'm doing.

 

[STR8UP]

Karma's Law #4 -

Learn to be a happy,thriving single man who is content with his purpose and control of his own destiny first and foremost. Only then can you even begin to think of sharing your time with women. If you're a miserable bastard what do you think a woman will bring to your life and you to hers?

This is the single most important thing guys need to understand.

 

[Bible_Belt]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=118465&highlight=ganji

 

[Last Man Standing]

Recognize that this woman DOESN'T want you anymore and find the positive---THE BLESSING, in that fact.

Docv - I don't think you understood the importance of this statement!!! It doesn't matter how much money you make or your intellectual prowess - when a girl moves on then the die has been cast!!! What the almighty General, albeit overly militaristic VU is saying is....be grateful that she, by her confession, made you understand the reality of what IS - and that you are no longer deceived by your own perceptions of how you think things were!!! Your purchase of the ring shows you how out of step with reality you were! Thank your lucky stars that you found out now, at a much lesser cost of expense and sorrow, then if you would have married her!!

Knowing reality and truth is a gift and a honor!!! Cherish it!

VU, did I get that interpretation right? Docv, do you understand?

 

[squirrels]

Yo Docv,

What you are dealing with here is the withdrawal symptoms of an emotional involvement that has gone badly.

Right on, pretty much. Withdrawl sucks. You just have to feel the pain and keep doing what you want to do with your life.

If you stay focused on doing the things that you WANT to do, that make YOU happy, eventually the addiction and the feelings of emptiness will subside.

Tell you what...what ONE thing (having nothing to do with women or other people, but something personal to you) would you like to be doing right now?

Go do that.

For me, it would be jumping on my bike and tearing up some back-roads. Or travelling somewhere new.

The pain won't go away, and she won't come back to you...the point is, after a while you start not to give a sh!t about the pain. It becomes background noise. Only then will it truly give up and subside.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo LAST MAN STANDING,


Your assessment of the outcome of Docv's Battle of the Sexes is DEAD ON TARGET, soldier! lol

My observation, and unfortunately, my OWN experience is that the "feeling" of a lack of closure tends to lead to the worst cases of Post Relationship Stress Disorder----or, as it is called by the Sosuave Military Culture----ONEitis.

This is why I advise everybody in THIS army to always give YOURSELF closure. It is inadvisable to WAIT for the woman or the the circumstance to give it to you, because it may NEVER come. Or if it DOES come, your lingering high interest level, your desperation, your lack of options, or your tendency to deny REALITY may STOP you from truly recognizing and accepting it.

CLOSURE is something that you USUALLY have to give YOURSELF.

Read This:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=945548#post945548

The Backhanded Blessing in Docv's particular case is that AT LEAST his babe has given him the BRUTAL courtesy of letting him KNOW that the relationship is over.

Brief Field Report:

Recently, I was dealing with a woman who just chose to cut off all communication with me with absolutely NO communication OR explanation-----after 6 MONTHS of being all over me. Now, if this was a year ago, and if I had NOT taken the time, effort, and energy to train myself to become a BETTER MAN, I would have been potentially devastated by her mysterious and abrupt DEPARTURE.

BUT, thanks to my intensive internal training, I'm pleased to say that THESE DAYS Victory Unlimited is made of STERNER stuff than he USED to be. So what would have been a major blow to my self-esteem has NOW only registered as a small nick in the doubly reinforced, kevlar body armor I now KNOW to always wear over my HEART 23 1/2 hours out of every day.

The Rules of DIS-ENGAGEMENT:

Wondering, guessing, or picking through the ashes of a dead relationship trying to figure out WHAT HAPPENED---especially in cases where the BIITCH KNOWS, but WON'T tell you------is NOT how any man should be occupying his valuable time for anything more than 24 hours.

And guess what? Even in cases where the WOMAN does have the decency to actually TELL you that it's over, the Rules of Dis-engagement remain the same:

Get up, kick your ego aside, then grab yourself by your OWN balls (to IMMEDIATELY remind yourself you're a goddammed MAN), then FORCE yourself to MARCH ON.

Personally, I continue to MARCH ON, because I know that it's only a matter of time before...

... VICTORY is mine.


Peace...one day.

 

[FM 3321]

Like ChuChu says, TAKE BACK THE RING! Never spend more than a grand on the engagement ring. Period! I don't care what the "Diamond Experts" on TV tell you to spend. The ring is a symbol of a mutual promise to marry. If she wants to be your wife, a simple ring won't change her mind. If it does, then she's a gold-digger. (DAAAAAMN! 8K...that's like buying her a car!)

She broke up with you, I'm assuming she's gone for ever. Follow your own hype and FIND A NEW GIRL, some one to help you through the rebound. It will take time to get over this, but you'll make it.:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Haha no sh!t, I just spent $7600 on a "new" car. It's very hard to see myself buying an $8000 engagement ring for any woman. Maybe one day but not today.