Noob questions about ONEitis (LONG)

[UberPhil]

Many of these questions I already know the answer to, but simply need elaboration on the answers.

1. Is it EVER okay to use your love of a woman (who you have ONEitis for, not one who loves you back already) as your motivation to become "all that you can be"? I mean, what if the person you've always wanted to be (before you ever met her) is the same kind of guy she says she wants? In other words: strong, independent, knows how he feels and follows through, good provider, confident (also said she wants a guy who is at least 8" I think).

My therapist yesterday (I suffer from depression and have been hospitalized for suicidal depression 5 times) said its okay because some people need something to shoot for to push them to be what they can be....and in my case its the love of a woman, or gaining that love. But in the meantime, while I'm off improving myself, I'm feeling depressed because right now I'm not good enough for her (in my mind). And if I decide to just shoot for a woman who possesses all the qualities I love and admire in a woman, and who already appreciates me the way I am, before and after I improve myself, I'm also afraid I'll be depressed because I'm admitting defeat, admitting failure, admitting I wasn't good enough for the one who didn't love me.

The therapist said that yes, after I improve myself she might still not want me, but I still reap the benefits of improving myself. And he said of course, after improving myself I may find I don't want HER anymore. I guess what I'm asking is, is it okay to change character defects in yourself that you've always wanted to change anyway, but your motivation is that those character defects are why she doesn't find you attractive?

2. How do you get over feeling like a failure if your ONEitis doesn't love you (as a friend, but I don't turn her on)? I'm confused as to whether I really believe that she's THAT wonderful and THAT worth it, or if I just want to prove to her (and myself) that I'm good enough for her.

3. Love or obsession (ONEitis) and how to know the difference. The best I can guess, is that its love when she feels the same about you. Its obsession or ONEitis when she doesn't feel the same way about you. "I only like you as a friend" or even worse, total indifference. Is it REALLY that simple? Its ONLY love if she feels the same way about me?

4. I remember reading something by RJ once that said "you don't fall in love with a woman while you're around her. You fall in love with her when you're NOT around her, and you're building her up in your mind." I've learned from that and can say that I have not made that mistake of building up a woman in my mind (before I knew that she felt love for me) since my most recent ONEitis 4 years ago.

My question is, can you get over a woman you already have ONEitis for the same way? By just not building her up in your mind ANYMORE? Or must you actively tear those memories down in your mind because they won't go away from simply ignoring them?

I ask this because last summer I had dreams 4 nights in a row of a woman (an exotic dancer if you can believe it) who I hadn't seen in nearly 10 years! Was very depressed to begin with, and this got her back on my mind BIG TIME! Everything I mean EVERYTHING reminded me of her! I was almost hospitalized a 6th time over it last summer, and again this past week because I found her dancing at a club friday night, told her how I felt about her, literally begged her to give me a chance, etc. You can guess how well that went.

5. I read the "definitive theory on ONEitis" thread, and I must say that both joekerr31's Protector theory and Rollo Tomassi's SoulMate theory seem to apply to me. When I was first getting to know this exotic dancer years ago, I admired her because she seemed to be so together, seemed to be so wise and have such common sense for a woman as young as her. Before I even found out that she had a TRUCKLOAD of hurt in her life (abusive and neglecting mother, lying cheating unemployed manipulative boyfriends, etc), I can remember fantasizing about her being in trouble of some sort and me rescuing her, making it all better, being her hero. Then I found out she really DID have a lot of troubles and I was Toast.

But also, even though I have had severe ONEitis for 2 different women since I last saw this exotic dancer years ago, and even though I have a history of developing severe ONEitis over females in my life going back to my Junior High years, every time it seems impossible that I could ever feel this way about another woman again. This one is always the ONE and if I can't be with her (and protect her and take care of her and be her hero) it's MY FAULT and I FAILED and I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

My question this time is: could the Protector and SoulMate theories both point to something that lies deeper, a general feeling of failure? Of not being good enough to be a particular woman's protector, and even worse she was my SoulMate and I wasn't good enough to protect her? What would you suggest for overcoming these feelings of failure and not being good enough? How did you guys overcome them yourselves?

6. Last question I promise. Is a woman who is in major serious emotional pain from having a very painful life ALWAYS off-limits as a LTR prospect? Is the desire to "rescue" a woman like this ALWAYS a recipe for disaster, disappointment, ONEitis? Is it sometimes something noble and good and an expression of genuine love for a woman who is in so much pain that she doesn't deserve? Or is it always doomed to disaster?

I realize there are probably threads that answer all these questions for me, but I guess its just not the same as when the people responding to the thread know of your specific situation. I will probably have the rep of WBAFC by the time everyone reads this post, but so be it. I admit that I have a problem and that's the 1st step.

 

[Jariel]

1. Is it EVER okay to use your love of a woman (who you have ONEitis for, not one who loves you back already) as your motivation to become "all that you can be"?

Yes! If this is what motivates you to better yourself, go for it with all your heart and channel that negativity into something positive! To be honest, a lot of my biggest improvements came following a break up with an ex or rejection from someone I really liked, with the idea of winning them back in my head.

I don't even think about any of those girls now, but the point is I bettered myself and pulled myself out of depression at the same time.

However, there's a massive difference between improving yourself and trying to act like the guy you think she'd like. The latter will get you nowhere!

And he said of course, after improving myself I may find I don't want HER anymore.

Exactly! improvement and confidence will give you many more options and you'll find you're a lot less susceptible to oneitis.

2. How do you get over feeling like a failure if your ONEitis doesn't love you (as a friend, but I don't turn her on)? I'm confused as to whether I really believe that she's THAT wonderful and THAT worth it, or if I just want to prove to her (and myself) that I'm good enough for her.

It may be a case of coveting something that's out of reach. It's a very common psychological phenomenon. Maybe if you had your opportunity with her you wouldn't want it. You have also had your confidence knocked by the rejection, so you're probably feeling rather insecure and vulnerable right now.

Once you get back on your feet, start improving yourself and opening your options, you'll care less and less about what she thinks.

3. Love or obsession (ONEitis) and how to know the difference. The best I can guess, is that its love when she feels the same about you. Its obsession or ONEitis when she doesn't feel the same way about you. "I only like you as a friend" or even worse, total indifference. Is it REALLY that simple? Its ONLY love if she feels the same way about me?

Judging from my experiences of both, I'd say love is a warm and positive feeling, like a feeling of contentment, whereas oneitis/obsession/infatuation feels negative and selfish, like a sense of emptiness and longing. This is the main difference and yes, it is usually affected by whether it's mutual or not.

My question is, can you get over a woman you already have ONEitis for the same way? By just not building her up in your mind ANYMORE? Or must you actively tear those memories down in your mind because they won't go away from simply ignoring them?

The best and only way I've found for overcoming oneitis is to keep my distance from the girl. That means giving up all hopes and cutting your losses...otherwise known as "nexting". With no contact, the memories will fade naturally and become less painful. Another thing is to keep busy, start a project or get a hobby or (even better) focus on self improvement and this will keep your mind active.

If you find this hard to do, set yourself a goal. Aim to keep away from her until you have improved yourself to a point where you're happy....kinda like an unveiling of your new self.

I can remember fantasizing about her being in trouble of some sort and me rescuing her, making it all better, being her hero. Then I found out she really DID have a lot of troubles and I was Toast.

Oh, I know that feeling! Many guys are suckers for damsels in distress (myself included) as it feeds our male ego, makes us feel needed. Women also fantasise about being the damsel and being rescued by the knight, which is why they will often play on their problems, exaggerate or create drama etc. However, this fantasy can cloud reality and cause you a load of grief!

What would you suggest for overcoming these feelings of failure and not being good enough? How did you guys overcome them yourselves?

Firstly you MUST stop judging yourself through the eyes of other people. If you are rejected, if you fail a test or can't get a job or whatever, it doesn't make you less of a man. The only thing that should matter to you is living by your OWN standards and values. As long as you're true to yourself, you can hold your head high and feel confident!

Even the most socially "successful" people are at odds with themselves because they're living by other people's standards and seeking other people's approval.

Is a woman who is in major serious emotional pain from having a very painful life ALWAYS off-limits as a LTR prospect? Is the desire to "rescue" a woman like this ALWAYS a recipe for disaster, disappointment, ONEitis?

Yes and yes!

By getting involved with a woman like this you will end up taking all her problems on your shoulders and feeling responsible. Such women are also so caught up in their misery and issues, they become totally self-centred and give no affection to give to their partners.

I have been involved with women like this and I went from a carefree upbeat kinda guy to a dark depressive. I longed to protect these girls, whisk them away from their problems and play the knight in shining armour, but it didn't work out this way. They just dragged me down, then kicked me to the curb.

I realize there are probably threads that answer all these questions for me, but I guess its just not the same as when the people responding to the thread know of your specific situation. I will probably have the rep of WBAFC by the time everyone reads this post, but so be it. I admit that I have a problem and that's the 1st step.

I've tried to answer you individually as best I can as I can strongly relate to everything you have written here and understand what it's like to go through that kind of depression and sense of failure. I went through it all, but I eventually learned the error of my ways and picked myself up, and even became the guy I dreamed of being and got the kinda girl I dreamed of being with.

But I would strongly recommend reading some of the material on here and in the DJ Bible and most importantly, stick with the self improvement and use your depression to drive you! Make sure you're constantly moving forward and not getting caught up on this one girl or situation.

Best of luck!

 

[SmackinIsaiah]

Yes and yes!

By getting involved with a woman like this you will end up taking all her problems on your shoulders and feeling responsible. Such women are also so caught up in their misery and issues, they become totally self-centred and give no affection to give to their partners.

I have been involved with women like this and I went from a carefree upbeat kinda guy to a dark depressive. I longed to protect these girls, whisk them away from their problems and play the knight in shining armour, but it didn't work out this way. They just dragged me down, then kicked me to the curb.

I'm exactly in this spot right now, it's really gotten to the point where I shouldn't give an absolute **** anymore. But you summed this up perfectly, thanks.