No response? How can I look at this positively?

[tsmith2334]

Hey, what's up everyone, haven't really needed much advice lately, so I've been laying low. When it comes to giving advice I'm great, but in dealing with my own day to day troubles, I tend to not do as well. Here's a lengthy description on a small bummer, I just don't want to skimp on details or background.

I'm just looking for anyone who can put a positive spin on this or give me words of wisdom...

I have a small crush on a girl from my hometown who goes to another school. I see her very rarely, (we went on a little dinner date last summer) and I talk to her once a month, usually just a quick text or IM. She iniated last time. We're casual friends (I'm NOT in the friends zone) and there's been a decent amount of flirting in the past.

So anyway, I figured I'd give her a call last week. I was aiming for a "hey what's up" kind of deal, five to ten minutes of friendly conversation with some C & F and flirting if I could pull it off. I WASN'T going to overdo it and talk her ear off (I.e. friendzone terroritory), I just merely wanted to touch base. I almost never make these kind of calls for what it's worth.

Anyway, she picks up, and says she is in the middle of walking to class and asks if she can call me back. I told her sure. She usually sounds pretty excited to hear from me, but she didn't then. Anyway, here we are a week later... no call back or response of any kind... and I'm kinda bummed.

I hate to say it, but it's kind of typical of her not to call back, from what I've seen she's not even good at returning calls from her closest girlfriends. At this point I plan to iniate contact again (something other than calling) next month some time and just act unphased by the little snubbing I got. You know the deal, spin plates, not take it to heart, limit my supply, give it time, all that DJ stuff.

Can anyone put a positive spin on this for me or give me any encouraging advice? Thanks.

 

[MCristo]

Why are you wasting your time?

 

[tsmith2334]

Why are you wasting your time?

I made a one-minute phone call last week. How is that wasting my time?

 

[slaog]

Sure you're not getting oneitis?

You said it best yourself. Wait a month, act like you're not bothered - which you shouldn't be - and be spinning plates in the mean time.

 

[tsmith2334]

Sure you're not getting oneitis?

You said it best yourself. Wait a month, act like you're not bothered - which you shouldn't be - and be spinning plates in the mean time.

Hey, thanks. As for the whole oneitis thing, if anything it's a minor case. I'm just sensitive, and when one little thing goes wrong I get bummed, it's the same way if a friend doesn't call me back.

However I do realize that girls will be girls and not returning calls is inevitable. Some don't even answer the phone!

 

[SickAgain]

you should call her back at a different time, the sooner the better

 

[Infamous J]

She doesn't call you back because of low interest bro.

The positive spin is that there's plenty of others out there, now go get 'em.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

I hate the "I'll call you back" line and she never does.

This is not a good sign. Next.

 

[tsmith2334]

I hate the "I'll call you back" line and she never does.

This is not a good sign. Next.

I'm not nexting a girl simply because she doesn't call me back. That's ridiculous. In the past I haven't returned her calls, it doesn't mean I'm not interested in her.

She iniated contact out of nowhere 2 weeks ago, there has to be some level of interest. Emotions flucuate all the time, I'm not cutting off all ties because she didn't call me back. THAT would be AFC.

 

[MCristo]

I made a one-minute phone call last week. How is that wasting my time?

You talk to a girl once a month and never see her. How is that not a waste of time?

 

[tsmith2334]

You talk to a girl once a month and never see her. How is that not a waste of time?

I'm not putting any time into it!

 

[Infamous J]

I'm not nexting a girl simply because she doesn't call me back. That's ridiculous. In the past I haven't returned her calls, it doesn't mean I'm not interested in her.

She iniated contact out of nowhere 2 weeks ago, there has to be some level of interest. Emotions flucuate all the time, I'm not cutting off all ties because she didn't call me back. THAT would be AFC.

*sigh* So much to learn. Everyone is telling you to next her, yet here you are refuting it every time someone says it. Are you going to continue to waste time on these boards asking questions about this girl until someone tells you what you want to hear? That IS AFC.

 

[tsmith2334]

*sigh* So much to learn. Everyone is telling you to next her, yet here you are refuting it every time someone says it. Are you going to continue to waste time on these boards asking questions about this girl until someone tells you what you want to hear? That IS AFC.

I'm part of a small minority on SoSuave that takes their time when nexting women. People flake, forget to call you back or (God forbid) have a life that doesn't revolve around you. I flake on people too, it doesn't mean I'm not interested in them. It's life.

Being so eager to next a woman (especially over something minor like an unreturned phone call) is typically a sign of an AFC who has a poor perception of real life situations. One of these days you're going to next a girl over nothing and regret it.

You might be making a valid point if she was the only girl I was pursuing. She isn't. I just want to get the ball rolling like it when we were in High School together. She iniated contact recently and I wanted to follow up. She was busy at the time. Big frickin deal. I just wanted sound advice on where to go from here, which an earlier poster (slaog) confirmed.

 

[The Bat]

Hey man, I understand where you're coming from. In fact, I used to be like you to some degree (either better or worse). Anyway, here's my take on the whole thing. As always, follow it wholeheartedly or not is up to you. But hear me out diligently because you and me are not so different in these situations.

All of this pretending to be busy, spinning plates, and not letting it get to you when next time you call, is....AFC. I know, that's the last thing you wanted to hear from me. But that's the reality of it.

Think about it. You've only gone on a date with her once. Although you didn't say, I'm guessing nothing physical happened on that date or earlier/later. The date was what a year ago? It's cool to keep in touch every now and then, don't get me wrong. But where you need to work on is developing an emotional attachment to this girl. You said it yourself, you have a "small crush". Crush is such a middle/high school thing. It's a child's vocabulary. Do you think a real man/DJ would say he has a crush on a girl? I know it seems like I'm ripping on elementary stuff but this is important. Breaking your innocent, child-like habits, including vocabulary, is important.

Take a good, hard look at yourself. Ask yourself if the mindset you are in, the attitude you have, the emotions you are feeling, are really manly/DJ? Your mindset is that of a oneitis because this girl is from your hometown and you've probably have had a history with her. No wonder you are so emotionally attached to her. The attitude you have, this "act unphased", is not a real DJ attitude. You shouldn't even have to PRETEND to be unphased or not take it to the heart. Pretending and being are polar opposites, my friend. And finally, the emotions you are feeling. What's with this being bummed out when nobody returns your calls? Are you that needy of other's attention and desperate of their approval? Why is it such a big deal if they can't return your call back immediately?

Reflect on the advice that's given here to you. Ask yourself: if you are this emotionally "hurt" (hurt is too strong of a word in this case), then how will you handle yourself when and if you start dating her? How will you feel if she doesn't return your calls when you get in a relationship with her? Oh my friend, if you think about it long and hard, you'll see that you're throwing yourself into an abyss of pain and low self-esteem.

You've said it yourself. You give great advice but you can't seem to handle yourself in your personal cases. You aren't practicing what you're preaching. That's the cardinal sin of DJ-ism. Bottom line: detach yourself from this girl and make sure you don't get attached this fast in the future, take some time to re-evaluate yourself and your self-esteem, and be open-minded to genuine advice that's given here from time to time.

Good luck, in any case.

 

[tsmith2334]

The Bat,

thanks for the long and detailed reply. you're advice is appreciaited and taken.

i do think your being a little hard on me though, all i said was it was simply a bummer. i wanted to hear back from her and talk for 5 to 10 minutes. when you're hoping for something and it doesn't happen, you're not going to be happy about it. i agree that i shouldn't have to "act" unphased, but you know what, it kinda sucked not to hear back from her. i'm man enough and mature enough to admit that.

i'll say this much though, there's no deeply rooted level of attachment, i didn't lose sleep over it, and i didn't go into a depression or a funk over it. i was just hoping to hear back from a casual friend who i wouldn't mind pursuing (based on how well i know her) and she didn't follow up (for whatever reason).

so where does this leave me? i came onto sosuave and figured there would be a decent amount of individuals who can attest that flaking does in fact happen in real life and it's not the be all end all. just some comfort i suppose. instead, there's alot of like-minded people, who (due to their lack of expericence) paint the worst case scenario and end up making you feel worse and hopeless. i don't know why i bothered asking in retrospect, this place tends to bring you down.

you, sickagain and sloag seem to be the only people i've seen thus far who aren't tragedizing something so minute and did what i asked for in the original post (to put a positive spin on things).

 

[mintxx]

I'm not nexting a girl simply because she doesn't call me back. That's ridiculous. In the past I haven't returned her calls, it doesn't mean I'm not interested in her.

She iniated contact out of nowhere 2 weeks ago, there has to be some level of interest. Emotions flucuate all the time, I'm not cutting off all ties because she didn't call me back. THAT would be AFC.

w-w-w-woah. mate you've posted dozens of paragraphs about the one chic who is too socially retarded or disinterested to call you back when she said she would. who's the AFC? the Bat is going frikking easy on your ass

try reading this sentence slowly and thinking about it:
says she is in the middle of walking to class and asks if she can call me back :crackup:

every damn time i venture away from the h&f forum...

 

[tsmith2334]

w-w-w-woah. mate you've posted dozens of paragraphs about the one chic who is too socially retarded or disinterested to call you back when she said she would. who's the AFC? the Bat is going frikking easy on your ass

try reading this sentence slowly and thinking about it:
says she is in the middle of walking to class and asks if she can call me back :crackup:

every damn time i venture away from the h&f forum...

It's all good man. I even said in my first post, I just give a lot of details and background information. If you don't, no one responds to your posts. This is also the first time I've posted here in atleast a month.

Also, if you are in the middle of going somewhere (i.e. walking to class), naturally you would be unable to talk. And I called her in the day time, so she probably was going to class.

Usually if a girl really doesn't care about you she'll just ignore your call. Caller ID can be a death wish for AFCs.

 

[mintxx]

look, if you want a positive spin, then call her up, assume her phone broke, forgive her for not calling you back and invite her to an event or night that you're going to anyway. cut all the phone sh!t. girls do and don't answer the phone for all sorts of reasons and speculation on it is fruitless but if she doesn't call you back you're not on her list right now, so just try this, then if no dice, then drop it.

 

[tsmith2334]

look, if you want a positive spin, then call her up, assume her phone broke, forgive her for not calling you back and invite her to an event or night that you're going to anyway. cut all the phone sh!t. girls do and don't answer the phone for all sorts of reasons and speculation on it is fruitless but if she doesn't call you back you're not on her list right now, so just try this, then if no dice, then drop it.

good sh1t man. i like where your head is at.

i'm headed out to the bar right now anyway to go talk to women and spin plates. it's alllll gooooood.

 

[Effington]

I absolutely can't stand people who don't return phone calls. It's a huge red flag...