No contact is for chumps

[bluenorther]

My last ex decided to cut off contact, except she wanted me to keep shoeing her horse. I was okay with that. She's in a bind, so I didn't even charge her for it. Her horse lives at a place with about twenty other horses, some of which are also my clients.
She really liked how I did the work, since she'd seen what other guys have tried to do. Her friends felt the same.
I figured we could still be social, if nothing else.
At work, in front of her friends, she avoided me entirely. I was happy to be friendly to her, felt it showed my strength, but she wanted not even that.
She kept being more evasive, and finally after she had a bad horse accident, she went completely sour on me. I gave her permission to find another horseshoer.
When I saw the change, I was pizzed off! I started busting on the new shoeing job, and then she snapped: Next thing I know, I'm banned from working there anymore. That hit me in the wallet, hard.
She told me when we were still dating, there's a side to her that I don't want to see-- so now, I'm seeing it.

I have other jobs nearby, and I want her to know, I'm NOT gone, and I'm NOT forgotten.

 

[the305]

No Contact with a ex is not a chump move. its all relative - you guys had a relationship, you were a couple - some break ups are hard some aren't do what ever benefits you NOT them, when you break up.

Now.. the more important topic. "no contact" or "nexting" for girls you are talking to/getting to know is the COMPLETE BIITCH MOVE. the classic "ohh nah she playing games, im cutting her off" or the "i dont keep numbers of girls im not sleeping with, its a waste of my time"

This is the is your EGO not being able to handle rejection and this is how you coupe with it. In reality you should back track.. start befriending - if shes a cool person but doesn't want anything sexual with you, who cares? having female friends is the most IMPORANT tool you can have. You will understand women WAY more also have girls to go out with and meet their friends.

guys cut out the pathetic mentality of i'm going to 'meet you and sleep with you' if not 'next, cause your a waste of my time' - you're no different the low life gold digging hoes who hunt around for men or the superficial girls who want hot guys with muscles only - and your sooooo quick to judge them and talk a load of shiit - this makes me laugh.

 

[TIC]

Its ridiculous to say that cutting off all contact with an ex somehow makes you a chump

My ex was a LEECH and a bad person. Being with her was like babysitting a child. She has absolutely nothing to offer me and if I met her in real life again, which I came close to a week ago, I would certainly ignore her. After our split last year I deleted her fb and phone# that was it, and that's all I needed. I realize that it's usually not good to burn bridges, but this is a girl that certainly not good to have around even as an acquaintance. I've seen how she behaves around her friends

I don't see how this makes me a chump. You have to be able to turn away from certain people because no matter what you do or how nice you are, they will just try to take advantage or bring you down in some way. If the breakup wasn't too bad and your ex actually is mature and has something to offer, then maybe keeping in touch is a good idea. Otherwise, cutting off contact and moving on is a step in the right direction

 

[The Inside Man]

I like no contact especially if it didn't end well. Cut ties and move on. One time a girl did it to me and it really got to me. It is drastic but some situations call for that, others end fine or are just hookups

 

[ArcBound]

I thought no contact was very good at the time because it would (presumably) get my mind off my former oneitis quicker. So I said fvck her and ignored her. But I still thought about her except instead of being sad and wanting to get back together I just angry at her and even several months after she wants to get together I still ignored her.

Afterwards yes I felt a little bad because I felt what I was doing childish but then I remember all the bad things she did. So in retrospect I do feel embarrassed by it because I was one of those people who went out of my way to ignore her but at the same time was necessary.

 

[Deleted member 109925]

Some courses of action related to contact according to the situation at hand. Over-reacting, or "chumping-it-up", with no interest in ever seeing the woman again isn't a foul. It just reflects a more raw or inexperienced psyche that may be vulnerable to pain, oneitis, etc.

1) Woman cheats or is otherwise disrespectful = No Contact. She's an enemy and should be converted to fuel your future betterment.

2) Woman is toxic, BPD, etc. = No Contact. No exceptions as far as I can tell. Even FB arrangements are undesirable here.

3) Woman dumps you for legitimate and straightforward reasons, moving away, incompatible goals, etc. = Full Contact / Limited Contact / No Contact. All are legitimate responses depending on your future needs. Ask yourself, will an ex hanging around compromise my future relationships or my own well being?

4) Want girl back = Limited Contact / No Contact. This is closest to what I think the OP is concerned with. All of the self-help guides recommend strict NC, some even suggest writing a letter, etc. That's nonsense. So long as you aren't strung along, don't AFC the immediate post break-up, and can tolerate contact without losing focus on yourself or your psychological/emotional well being, then LC is the optimal scenario. Let her miss you, but don't be so bent out of shape that you're willfully giving the silent treatment through NC or other nonsense.

5) There may be a variety of other scenarios, e.g. triangles, etc. that call for FC / LC / NC in combination depending on the particular circumstances.

Ultimately, the more a person can use and tolerate all options available, the more powerful he is and can become. As others have said, using NC is not really a chump move. It all depends on what the DJ needs and what he's comfortable/skilled at using for the healthiest outcome.

Another poster summed up the distinction nicely. If NC is used for your health and healing, then it's not a chump move (maybe a novice move, but not a chump move.) If NC is used for revenge, then it's a chump move. No doubt about it.

 

[st_99]

what if you go NC because you're embarrased by your own AFC behavior?

you may be thinkng to yourself "omg, i acted like such a rookie fool, i wouldnt even know what
to say to her at this point, so NC is all I can really do unless she initiates contact, then i can respond
in a friendly, non trying to get her, manner"

what do you think about that?

 

[Scars]

When "No Contact" is used as a strategy to gain a desired outcome, it is chump behavior.

When there is no analysis, no strategizing, and you are simply MOVING ON, that's the way.

This sums it up perfectly.

+rep

-Scars

 

[Deleted member 109925]

what if you go NC because you're embarrased by your own AFC behavior?

you may be thinkng to yourself "omg, i acted like such a rookie fool, i wouldnt even know what
to say to her at this point, so NC is all I can really do unless she initiates contact, then i can respond
in a friendly, non trying to get her, manner"

what do you think about that?

Sounds like the right move. But do NC for yourself. It's clear that even if your ultimate hope right now is to get her back, you still don't want to go about it as an AFC in your behavior or her perception/memory of you, otherwise you'll be dumped again. Only time and distance will change that. So, do NC for yourself. Before contacting her, set a goal of going on two real dates (aka plate spinning). If, and only if, after some time has passed you still want to see if she's game to reconcile, then contact her (give it a full month). Address your AFCness: "Hey. My emotions got the better of me back then. Oh well, that's just how it goes, I guess. How are you doing over there?..." And see what she responds with.

Don't let the principle of NC or embarrassment over past AFCness prevent you from trying. No regrets. So try. Just don't beat a dead horse. If at that point it doesn't pan out, then move on. If you end up re-establishing contact, then fine. You have improved, and can establish a new frame, a new chapter, a new whatever with her.

Life and time are too precious to keep trying with this girl after that second attempt. If you do NC for yourself, in a month, moving on should be easier for you to do anyhow. Good luck with it.

 

[MySweetf]

It is over. Why waste your time speaking with your ex. Yea, in a 100% perfect world you can move on right away. However, we are not perfect. Admit it or not, most guys have trouble moving on. Going NC will help them to move on.
_________________________
Cheap RS Gold

 

[NewAndImproved]

Interesting thread.

My most effective use of NC first came just as I was transitioning out of being a rAFC almost 2 years ago. I literally grew up b/c of this girl.

Basic rundown is that we were seeing each other for several months but she was very flaky: "busy w/school, hanging out w/friends" When we hung out things were good but it felt like I was putting more effort into it that she was. She would pull back as we got closer. For a time, I set out to "change" her and help her overcome past bad experiences with men. Didn't work.

Finally, I called her on everything and essentially put the ball in her court. She said she'd make more of an effort.

I now of course see that all of my actions up until this point were completely wrong (ultimatums, trying to reason with her). In fact, she was only acting this way b/c I continued to accept and go along with it. I should've left long ago.

But then came the change. That same night, I ended up sleeping over. As usual, after, she started acting distant. I remember having a realization. The relationship had run its course. That was it. I took that walk-of-shame in the morning knowing that things were over. And I was cool with it.

As expected, she didn't initiate contact and we went w/o seeing each other for about a month. Next time we saw each other was at a random party. When she saw me she looked quite nervous. I walked up, gave her a hug, had a cordial conversation and then bounced.

Saw her again a few weeks ago and this time she was really friendly and acted like everything was as normal. I was again friendly and nice but as soon as I saw another girl I was after, I left. These were the last few days of college and I wasn't going to waste it on her.

Last year, I ended up bumping into her friend who still lives in the area at a party. She was drunk, and started spilling the beans about how her friend really liked me but for some reason acted strange. She also started talking bad about her friend, calling her a ***** etc. They weren't just friends. They were BEST friends. They did everything together. What did I do/say? Nothing. I just smiled and walked away. Probably a **** test, who knows.

I tell this story because this is, IMO, the only kind of good NC there is. I wasn't trying to get back with her. But more importantly, I wasn't trying to get back AT HER. I wasn't angry. I wasn't bitter. I was just finished, ready to move on to bigger and better things.

A few weeks later her friend unfriended me on Facebook. And I haven't heard from my ex since.

 

[Jeffst1980]

I disagree with the OP on this one.

Why would you want to trigger negative emotions every time you scroll past their name? Why would you want to remain in touch with a girl doesn't like you?

The fact is- getting dumped hurts, no matter how much of a player you are. There's no sense denying this.

My personal take on this is that you don't want to go no contact because you are holding out hope that she will change her mind.

I would rather cut a girl out and move on quicker as a result. When you go no contact, you get over things MUCH sooner. I don't care if doing so makes me look 'chump'-ish to the girl, because her opinion of me no longer matters.

Remember: you are doing this for YOU, not to look cool.