Nighthawk's back - with a girl problem, o noes

[KontrollerX]

"No, she's not BPD - my last gf was a bit and this one isn't. But the mystery is solved. There was another guy in her head - someone thats been (mostly) unavailable for the last three years, and is suddenly available.

So she didn't tell me til the other day, and has been struggling with her choice. That explains a lot of the pressure on me to commit, because she was looking for a way out or a reason to forget this guy."

Aww well thats nice of her to decide the fate of your relationship with her like that.[/sarcasm

"She says she doesn't think it would ever work with this other guy, but he's been an escape fantasy for a while. She's seeing it like an addiction she needs to break, rather than a real relationship option. And if you're thinking that I might be the nice guy in this scenario who is going to lose the girl to the bad boy unavailable alpha, it's not that simple. I'm not that nice, and he's as much needy as alpha, and fulfils some mutual escapist fantasy that she says she recognises has been a projection on both their parts when each had unsatisfying relationships."

You're rationalizing away how fvcked up she just revealed herself to be with this revelation in order so you can justify continuing to see her rather than going and looking for someone thats mentally healthy. Many AFC's and even supposed DJ's rationalize this sort of thing to themselves and justify it in any number of ways. Some AFC's think well everyone's got problems and it would be selfish nay hypocritical of me to dump this girl because she's messed up not to mention just plain cruel! Its one of those examples Rollo gives about the AFC not wanting to be "like those other guys" in a foolish effort on the AFC's part to make themselves feel superior to the natural born alphas ie the jerk or natural born players etc. Its only noble behavior on the surface for the AFC as it is ultimately self destructive behavior.

Thing is its perfectly alright and even in your self preservation interests to ditch a girl when you find out she is even the least bit moderately to severely fvcked in the head. Depression? She's out! Bipolar?? She's out!! Anxiety ridden??? OUT!!!

Thats not the reaction an AFC or even an AFC turned DJ often makes on this forum however but I will tell you who does make that right decision.

The mentally healthy guy, the guy who never needed a forum like this, the guy raised from birth with decent parents, decent peers and good emotional support. That guy sees only hassles and danger when he is presented with the same scenario you are now willing to go forward with and that mentally healthy guy ejects immediately from the bad situation because he is so used to being healthy himself and being around healthy people that he knows instinctually as well consciously what is unhealthy and to be avoided at all costs.

"Now she has a satisfying relationship with me, she's not going to throw it away for him. If there was no spark between us, she'd give it a go, and I understand that. But when we were faced with splitting, both of us began valuing the other more and the 'spark' and the closeness etc is more there than ever."

She's already injected the beginnings of needless drama into your life. This sort of thing is a typical BPD setup scenario ie talk up how great you are better than another male interest in her life and meanwhile behind your back she's saying the same thing to the other guy about how he's better than you etc. Getting her cake and eating it too she will be if you go forward with this disaster waiting to happen.

"Appreciate all the advice though, keep it coming."

Good.

We're not giving you the harsh reality of what we believe to hurt your feelings but rather to help you guard against the predators that are out there which Bible Belt and myself both believe this one to be. Please don't be fooled by the psychologist label and think she's alright. On the forum I used to moderate I received insight there from a Histrionic who was also a psychologist as her profession. Cluster B as Bible Belt has already said loves being in the mental health field. Its a sad reality that people who need help themselves need to be on guard and screen out the therapists they go to in order to find a therapist that is healthy and thus fit to treat them.

 

[ChumpNoMore]

Can't really offer you much more other than yes, in my experience, it seems that women that are teachers, nurse / health, and social workers seem to exhibit more BPD / HPD characteristics and behaviours than those in other professions...

 

[decades]

omg, you are being Triangulated, and you are OK with it? I am with Bible Belt and KX on this one. This has "hot mess" written all over it.

btw, 5 weeks is well within the "honeymoon" phase of BPD. The only way to really know is ask the four or five of us here who KNOW already. :yes:

 

[Nighthawk]

I agree that psychologists might often be screwed up. To be honest in my twenty years of dating I've not met many women that didn't have issues of one kind or another. And don't we all know women ****-test in one way or another in the early stages? I get the 'next' culture here, but of course I didn't start this thread to say 'Hi guys, everythings going great, take care' I started it to get feedback on the particulars of this situation. You'll just have to take my word for it that the good far outweighs the bad, and furthermore I think the problem is now solved. And if it continues I'll walk away.

In her defence - she has/had this situation with another guy. Most hot women will have options. She didn't tell me, and hurried for a commitment, because she wanted to jump ship to me, but felt a bit rejected and unsure by my casual attitude. In effect it raised her interest and the other guy has been amogged. I don't think that makes her a psycho or I'm being triangulated - though granted, time will tell.

Did she do this with the minimum of drama? I guess not, but it was well within my limits. Like I said, women test, and I got tested for my commitment and my patience. Big deal. Not getting she is moderately or severely ****ed in the head. She's not a substance abuser, has a respectable career which she takes very seriously, and has respect from her circle of friends and colleagues, who are equally high status or whatever.

In my defence - I do not want a harem of women, I've done that. I rarely find a connection as strong as this, usually I feel in control but don't respect the woman. I don't want that in a relationship, I like being challenged by an equal partner. This woman ticks plenty of very hard to tick boxes. I said my last gf was a bit BPD, so I recognise the signs. Even so, do I regret that three year relationship? No. If she becomes more trouble than is worth it, I'll walk away. Read that as AFC excuse making and wishful thinking if you like, I don't think it's the case however.

I still welcome all comments. I just don't think the evidence is conclusive that she is BPD mess city. But reading back this post I can predict that for all your good intentions and wisdom, some of you are going to see it as me making excuses for a drama queen. It's possible, but I am not ready to make that conclusion yet.

 

[KontrollerX]

"Not getting she is moderately or severely ****ed in the head. She's not a substance abuser, has a respectable career which she takes very seriously, and has respect from her circle of friends and colleagues, who are equally high status or whatever."

Ok.

The Histrionic who gave me insights into her condition on the forum I moderated had the exact same respect of colleagues and friends in her field and she didn't abuse substances either.

Histrionics are the less severe but still very dangerous "cousins" of Borderlines.

"I rarely find a connection as strong as this"

Strike one for beginning the process of getting inside your head.

"This woman ticks plenty of very hard to tick boxes."

Strike two for that same process.

They press your buttons unlike anyone else out there can.

"I said my last gf was a bit BPD, so I recognise the signs. Even so, do I regret that three year relationship? No. If she becomes more trouble than is worth it, I'll walk away. Read that as AFC excuse making and wishful thinking if you like, I don't think it's the case however."

Do you recognize the signs of a Histrionic though? They initially come off with even better and cleaner presentation than a BPD. Histrionics are caked in makeup, are very or subtley dramatic, use superlatives like awesome and fantastic, build you up like a god all while acting naieve which gives you the illusion that you are in control and they are very sociable, good dressers and experts at small talk and not just small talk but giving the superb illusion that they know what it is they are talking about. They also have the ability to act in such a way that you are deeply emotionally moved by either a story they recount or just a general way that they act. So don't use the off the wall BPD tatooed sex maniac drug maniac nutjob as the template for recognizing a dangerous human. Evil often expresses itself the best as a friendly and calm face at first or the face of victim wrapped in seemingly understandable sadness or even someone thats all style no substance but puts on such a good first impression act you think its substance.

Remember all of them are mirrors and since you've done the work to become a DJ which is a man of worth the mirror of the Cluster B will now reflect that great guy to you so it won't be as easy to recognize one of them now that you are no longer an AFC since the act will of changed with your change as a man.

"I still welcome all comments. I just don't think the evidence is conclusive that she is BPD mess city."

Perhaps not. Perhaps she's a Histrionic which is looking more likely due to the less severity of your description of her as compared to a BPD.

"But reading back this post I can predict that for all your good intentions and wisdom, some of you are going to see it as me making excuses for a drama queen."

Well I might as well not bullsh!t you so I'll say you are exactly right with this.

"It's possible, but I am not ready to make that conclusion yet."

Fair enough and at least you have repeatedly said you'll walk at the first sign of trouble so as long as you keep that mindset and follow through you'll be good to go.

Edit:

"I've never been an AFC. I'm 40, and I've always been a confident charmer who who dated all the hottest women, and dumped 99% of them. And they all still like me. Just for the record."

Well we can only go on the information we've been given and in the lack of that reasonable assumptions fill the void. Not seeing your age in your visible profile as well your being here on a forum dedicated mostly to making boys men we can only assume you were once an AFC that made the change over to DJ unless you at the beginning of your topics inform us otherwise.
Apparently in reality you were always a man that had a great deal of success and are presumably here to give yourself that extra little edge in the game.

"Histrionic? Well, i say the connection is based on shared worldview, good sex, and she's funny and intelligent. Hard to fake those qualities."

Hard for a normal person to fake but easy enough for a Histrionic, Borderline or someother Cluster B to do with expert efficiency. Its what they are and its what they do better than anyone.

"Also she is adopted, like me, and that's a nice bonus in someone understanding a very deep part of you. Yes it can give you issues, but we've both decided that we are the type that have overcome them well."

Hate to sound callous but without a background check you really can't know for sure what her background is. Also sure sharing common ground can be the ties that bind in a normal relationship and its even a normal fact about many normal relationships but manufacturing a bond is also the trait of a Cluster B disaster waiting to happen. Also there's the uncomfortable truth that guys like us who've encountered one before have something about us that both attracts us to them and attracts them to us and even when we try to find something better for ourselves we keep running into these chicks because our desire for the unhealthy is still within us even though we may now in our informed minds think we are going for the gold as opposed to the trash.

So yeah good luck.

We all hope she isn't one and this is of course just extra feedback that you have let it be known you are very appreciative of.

 

[Nighthawk]

Remember all of them are mirrors and since you've done the work to become a DJ which is a man of worth the mirror of the Cluster B will now reflect that great guy to you so it won't be as easy to recognize one of them now that you are no longer an AFC since the act will of changed with your change as a man.

I've never been an AFC. I'm 40, and I've always been a confident charmer who who dated all the hottest women, and dumped 99% of them. And they all still like me. Just for the record.

Histrionic? Well, i say the connection is based on shared worldview, good sex, and she's funny and intelligent. Hard to fake those qualities.

Also she is adopted, like me, and that's a nice bonus in someone understanding a very deep part of you. Yes it can give you issues, but we've both decided that we are the type that have overcome them well.

Histrionics are caked in makeup, [Not really] are very or subtley dramatic [maybe, looking out for this but its been 8 weeks now and she's doing ok so far], use superlatives like awesome and fantastic [I know what you mean, nope], build you up like a god [No, the BPD one did though. Also I am like a God.] all while acting naieve which gives you the illusion that you are in control [no, she's not trying to trick me like that, we discuss how are both used to being the dominant one in a relationship] and they are very sociable [yes, but shy with strangers], good dressers and experts at small talk [most decent women are] and not just small talk but giving the superb illusion that they know what it is they are talking about [Hmm, no. she just likes to have a laugh really.]. They also have the ability to act in such a way that you are deeply emotionally moved by either a story they recount or just a general way that they act [doesn't ring true here]. So don't use the off the wall BPD tatooed sex maniac drug maniac nutjob as the template for recognizing a dangerous human. Evil often expresses itself the best as a friendly and calm face at first or the face of victim wrapped in seemingly understandable sadness or even someone thats all style no substance but puts on such a good first impression act you think its substance.[I know this type, dated a couple, description doesn't fit]

But I appreciate the warnings, I really do. And I'll happily tell you if you're right and I was wrong.