Nice guy = Not sexual enough?

[Gunner26]

I'm still considered a 'nice guy' by alot of my friends, especially the women, and it's not because I'm insecure, submissive, nervous or any s*** like that. In fact I'm the complete opposite. Of everyone in my close social circle I'm the most likely to strike up a conversation with a stranger, am the most outgoing and the most willing to get people together to do something.

Why then am I still considered a nice guy by some of my friends even though they say I am naturally confident, ****y, laid-back and intelligent?

Although it could be that I have a young looking face and am lacking a respectable physical presence only being 135 pounds and 5'10, I know that's not my problem.

It's simple really now that I've noticed it, I'm not sexual enough. Not by a long shot. Sure I flirt with some of the girls but I never take it anywhere. I've had people crash in my room after a night out with a girl in bed with me and done nothing because my mates were passed out on my floor. I've made out with girls at a club but not escalated, or even suggested leaving the place. And the one time I ended the night with a girl I still f'd it up by not trying to get her to my room but instead chilled with her and some people on the landing 20ft from my flat and then watched her go upstairs to her friends when I didn't invite her in!!

Perhaps the worst part is that I've been told after nights out that certain female friends where trying it on with me, yet I had been completely oblivious to it. Then the next night out with them even with the knowledge safe in the back of my head that they wanted me I still did nothing

Even if a guy shows some alpha traits and is naturally confident, if he isn't sexual then he gets labelled 'nice guy'.

I attract some women just by being myself but I don't make moves on them and so 'nice guy'.

I need to sort this out.

 

[ebracer05]

I've heard some people say that many "nice guys" are guys that women feel no danger with. Not like they're actually in physical danger when they're with the guy (but maybe they are because he drives too fast or engages in risky activities), but because their chastity is at risk. You're exactly right man. You can be the center of attention in your social circle, you can have lots of friends, you can be socially calibrated and ready to go. But if you can't escalate with a girl, you're probably not going to get where you want to be because in general, girls are much less likely to initiate sexual escalation with guys.

It doesn't sound like you have much to sort out bro, you have identified the problem. The hardest part is going to be implementing change.

I would also encourage you to reconsider your physical shape. I don't believe that everything in this game comes down to looks, but let's face it, they aren't going to hurt your game! You're a pretty skinny dude with the height and weight you posted, and that's better than being a big fat guy, but you're not reaching your full potential man. Also keep in mind that the more muscle mass you pack on, the more testosterone you will have circulating and that will help you so much as you work on escalating with women. To give you some perspective, I have been lifting for 4 years now with a pretty consistently good diet and am 5'11 and 188lbs. That means I'm only 1 inch taller but 50lbs heavier and I still want to gain some muscle!

Food for thought bro. If you want some help, post in the health and fitness forum and listen to everything EFFORT, colossus, fugelydude, quicksilver, and the other well respected posters over there have to say.

 

[floydb25]

Definitely. Just because you're a decent guy - doesn't mean you can't be assertive, go for what you want, and make your sexual intentions known. This is what holds a lot of good guys back, and is based on incorrect information they were fed - typically by the women themselves, in their anti-player, pro-nice guy, irrational ranting (ie, girls don't like sex; it offends them; they hate players; they all want relationships, and to get to know someone and be cared about first).

Regardless of what you think, or what they say - you must always show sexual interest, and not steer too far off into nice guy territory. Don't take their words too literally, as it won't match their actions. Don't be afraid or ashamed of your sexuality, either, and don't chase women who bring you down because of it (ie, man-haters). Don't always wait for the women to make the move. They'll show signals, and its up to you to pick up on them, and escalate from there.

Fear of rejection is a big part of it. Gotta eliminate that.

 

[Gunner26]

Thanks for the advice. I realised this last week and looking back at the last term of uni I think I must have known it but not acknowledged it because I was a bit more forward with some of the girls I made out with.

But yeah your right the change is going to be hard. Especially trying to change the mindset of my friends, which I want to do mainly because I find I'm better at getting with friends of friends and it wouldn't hurt for them to give a positive image of me sexually

And don't worry I have been thinking about my physical side more and more recently, I was always the smallest of my mates because I hit puberty late and most of my friends at home are somewhere between 6'-6'3. I never minded being skinny though, because I'm very athletic and the muscle I do have is pretty defined. However I've decided that I need to pack on some more, especially if I want to play competitive football(soccer) next year and so I have already joined the local gym. Would have been going a month already but I damaged the ligaments in my ankle and was on crutches. I started up properly last week and already have a basic routine that I'm looking to do after talking to a friend who's been lifting weights for a couple years.


edit: Floydb - Thanks for that too, it's about time I expanded the comfort zone and did something that really pushes me. Oh well no time like the present.

 

[ArcBound]

Even if a guy shows some alpha traits and is naturally confident, if he isn't sexual then he gets labelled 'nice guy'.

I attract some women just by being myself but I don't make moves on them and so 'nice guy'.

I need to sort this out.

When girls talk about loving a guy with confidence they mean sexual confidence.

It doesn't matter if you are confident at playing music in front of an audience of 100 people. Doesn't matter if you are confident in your academic abilities. You need to be sexually confident, the only type of confidence that matters with a woman.

 

[Gunner26]

So what's the best way to go about changing my friends mindset on me? It's not like I'm just going to try hitting on them, I mean I'm already flirty with them. Is it just a case of them needing to see me do it more successfully with other people?

And I think I agree with you ArcBound, in that sexual confidence is key, but I disagree that it is the ONLY type of confidence that matters with women. I believe that if you are confident in other areas of your life as well you are instantly more attractive then if you were not. Sports for example, women are obviously going to be more attracted to the man who believes in his ability and shows this on the field, than a guy who has no confidence in himself to perform, and is subsequently benched/makes mistakes.

But I will take on board your advice, it is time to be more confident in myself sexually, it's not like people consider me repulsive to look at.

 

[FG'man]

Some friends will ever see you as the nice guy. Especially the ones you knew the longest. That's like it's for me anyways.

 

[Nicholas]

So what's the best way to go about changing my friends mindset on me? It's not like I'm just going to try hitting on them, I mean I'm already flirty with them. Is it just a case of them needing to see me do it more successfully with other people?

And I think I agree with you ArcBound, in that sexual confidence is key, but I disagree that it is the ONLY type of confidence that matters with women. I believe that if you are confident in other areas of your life as well you are instantly more attractive then if you were not. Sports for example, women are obviously going to be more attracted to the man who believes in his ability and shows this on the field, than a guy who has no confidence in himself to perform, and is subsequently benched/makes mistakes.

But I will take on board your advice, it is time to be more confident in myself sexually, it's not like people consider me repulsive to look at.

Someone could be super-confident CEO or sportsman and yet uber-sucker with women.

You need to work on your social skills, anyway.

 

[ArcBound]

So what's the best way to go about changing my friends mindset on me? It's not like I'm just going to try hitting on them, I mean I'm already flirty with them. Is it just a case of them needing to see me do it more successfully with other people?

And I think I agree with you ArcBound, in that sexual confidence is key, but I disagree that it is the ONLY type of confidence that matters with women. I believe that if you are confident in other areas of your life as well you are instantly more attractive then if you were not. Sports for example, women are obviously going to be more attracted to the man who believes in his ability and shows this on the field, than a guy who has no confidence in himself to perform, and is subsequently benched/makes mistakes.

But I will take on board your advice, it is time to be more confident in myself sexually, it's not like people consider me repulsive to look at.

You can flirt with them, that's great, but can you escalate physically? Maybe that is what you are missing, flirting is fine but you need to incorporate physicality somewhere.

 

[Gunner26]

@ FG'man - I get that some people will always consider me the nice guy and I'm perfectly ok with that, I know that I'm not going to change the minds of my oldest friends, and I wouldn't want to. I'm talking more about my friends at uni, I've known them roughly a year and as I'm going to be around them a lot more than my old friends I reckon it would be an idea to try and get their minds changed about me, solely for the fact that I plan to try and get with some of their friends when they come down.

@ Nicholas - I get what your saying about being super confident in one thing and useless at another, however I wasn't saying that, sure a sportsman with no knowledge of women is going to have no luck, but I'm not that guy. I'm confident in myself AND I can talk to women, have done all my life, it's now just that I need to incorporate the sexual side of myself more in my interactions with them. And yea I know I need to work on my social skills more, but I'm pretty damn good at socialising already if I say so myself, but you're right that it's an area that needs improving. One can never be perfect at socialising.

@Arcbound - I think you may have hit the nail on it there. Thinking about it I'm not overly physical with girls, kino is definitely something that I need to start using. There's only one or two girls I can comfortably say I do this with, the rest of them I will only get physical with when I'm drunk, and that's not good enough for my liking. Thanks for bringing it up as an idea, I wouldn't have thought about it otherwise.