Newbie here... Need help with an EX

[boostinfd]

Before i start, i just want to say that i have my flame suit on and am ready for whatever you guys have to say. I've read many threads on similar issue, and what to do after breakup... read many ebooks on the subject... but I can't put stuff in play!

On to the story:

I'm 28 years old... I've dated girls, then been in 3 relationships that lasted over a year... The last one has pretty much messed me up so much that i can't get out of the hole i put myself into.

I'm well set in life. I have a great job, money, place to live... Great Car (which was one of my hobbies)... etc. However, Now i don't have any hobbies or interests in life. This is a big problem for me as i feel like i need some kind of purpose, something to focus on so i can stop thinking about her and this terrible NEED to be with her again.

We were together for 2 years... We fought from time to time because of her insecurities and some issues. At the end we broke up... That was month and a half ago. I went NC, in the mean time she kept contacting me after a week or so... 4 weeks later, we started hanging out and being almost like couple... In my eyes at least.

We are much better then we use to be before... Sex is great, we have fun etc. When i asked her about us, she said she doesn't want relationship yet she acts like she's in one. She does stuff that I like, gets jelous if i talk to other girls, etc.

I myself think thst she is worried what her friends and family will think if we do get back together... She focuses too much what other people think and i really don't care as long as we're happy.

I am confused, and feel like maybe this is her way of having a cake and eating it too... However it's no in me to CUT HER OFF!!!

What do you guys think? I know most of you will say: cut her out of your life, go NC... But i dont know if i can do it. I'm in love with her damn it and she even said she loves me too. She is a girl that doesnt sleep around, never did. I was her first seerious bf, and she's 25.

Give me your advice... Please!
If you need more info, just ask.

 

[DangNammit]

No one says its easy. I've been in 2 mos nc at this point and lately it feels harder than before - because I do not have any other options. See, that's the thing I recognize... I miss the contact, the closeness, the sex and I suppose her to degree.

This is my choice though. I have always made women a crutch in my life - something to do. I am so jaded and tired of relationships and women's crap that I'm not even looking really anymore. I'm in no place to attract quality women right now.

You have to put yourself first and address the problem thought that this girl is the source of your pleasure in life. It ain't easy when that's what you're used to. It must be done though.
When you put a women first, you will lose 9/10 times.

You won't see things clearly, nor give other options a chance when she's still around. Only you can take that step into the unknown and uncomfortable future without her. 3 mos out and you may clearly realize your love for her was a based solely on your need to 'be in love'.

Good luck.

 

[Iceberg]

When i asked her about us, she said she doesn't want relationship yet she acts like she's in one. She does stuff that I like, gets jelous if i talk to other girls, etc.

Well that bothers me. Her response doesn't bother me.....what I don't like is that you ASKED. I never blindly follow rules on this site....but one rule i ALWAYS abide by: never, never, never ask a woman what your "relationship" is. Women are supposed to pursue that part. Now that you are the one asking that question, it gives her the upper hand. Now she's in control, and that's not good for either of you.

I myself think thst she is worried what her friends and family will think if we do get back together... She focuses too much what other people think and i really don't care as long as we're happy.

She's a woman. You'll never know what she's thinking or what logic drives her motives.

What do you guys think? I know most of you will say: cut her out of your life, go NC... But i dont know if i can do it. I'm in love with her damn it and she even said she loves me too. She is a girl that doesnt sleep around, never did. I was her first seerious bf, and she's 25.

Man, you better learn how to cut her out of your life. People break up every day, and from longer relationships than yours. You won't make it anywhere in life if you can't deal with temporary pain, like a breakup.

 

[Romjuan]

Before i start, i just want to say that i have my flame suit on and am ready for whatever you guys have to say. I've read many threads on similar issue, and what to do after breakup... read many ebooks on the subject... but I can't put stuff in play!

On to the story:

I'm 28 years old... I've dated girls, then been in 3 relationships that lasted over a year... The last one has pretty much messed me up so much that i can't get out of the hole i put myself into.

I'm well set in life. I have a great job, money, place to live... Great Car (which was one of my hobbies)... etc. However, Now i don't have any hobbies or interests in life. This is a big problem for me as i feel like i need some kind of purpose, something to focus on so i can stop thinking about her and this terrible NEED to be with her again.

We were together for 2 years... We fought from time to time because of her insecurities and some issues. At the end we broke up... That was month and a half ago. I went NC, in the mean time she kept contacting me after a week or so... 4 weeks later, we started hanging out and being almost like couple... In my eyes at least.

We are much better then we use to be before... Sex is great, we have fun etc. When i asked her about us, she said she doesn't want relationship yet she acts like she's in one. She does stuff that I like, gets jelous if i talk to other girls, etc.

I myself think thst she is worried what her friends and family will think if we do get back together... She focuses too much what other people think and i really don't care as long as we're happy.

I am confused, and feel like maybe this is her way of having a cake and eating it too... However it's no in me to CUT HER OFF!!!

What do you guys think? I know most of you will say: cut her out of your life, go NC... But i dont know if i can do it. I'm in love with her damn it and she even said she loves me too. She is a girl that doesnt sleep around, never did. I was her first seerious bf, and she's 25.

Give me your advice... Please!
If you need more info, just ask.

i was in a very similar situation back in feb. we broke up in feb. from feb till june we were doing what you were writing; still dating seemed like we were still together, etc. You are going down a path you dont want to go down. She KNOWS she wont be with you. For her It feels good, the nostalgia, having someone there, and she still has a strong connection with you, but like you said she says she doesnt want a relationship. Every girl wants a relationship, when she says she doesnt want one, it means she doesnt want one with you.
Like you said, shes having her cake and eating it too. She is having you around untill she can find someone else or until she feels she is no longer dependant on you.
Best thing you can do, assuming you want to be back with her, is to let her go. If you get back together (which wont happen because she doesnt want to) you will only break up again. If you want things to work out, you need to hit the "reset" button so to speak. When your computer is glitching up what is the smart thing to do? should you smack it around and shake it until it works again, or should you pull the plug, let it reboot?
with that said, the only way it can work out is to pull the plug. have the break up take its course. no contact 6-8 months or so. you expereince other relationships and single life, she needs to experience life without you. after a good amount of time passes, hopefully you can see her out, meet, catch up and start over again.

 

[boostinfd]

Thanks for replies guys.

As far as asking where we are etc... she was the one that kept saying stuff like: "I don't know where we are, you said you don't want to be friends, and we're not together, yet we sleep together and all... i'm just so confused..."

I remember asking once: "Do you want to be with me or not?" She said something along the lines of: "I don't want a relationship right now... etc".

The weird thing in all this is I can read between the lines and I can see that she doesn't know what she wants... she wants it all actually and still be single... But that's not what i want. So cuting her out of my life would be smart but also painfull thing to do. But is there nothing else that could be done?

 

[Iceberg]

Thanks for replies guys.

As far as asking where we are etc... she was the one that kept saying stuff like: "I don't know where we are, you said you don't want to be friends, and we're not together, yet we sleep together and all... i'm just so confused..."

I remember asking once: "Do you want to be with me or not?" She said something along the lines of: "I don't want a relationship right now... etc".

The weird thing in all this is I can read between the lines and I can see that she doesn't know what she wants... she wants it all actually and still be single... But that's not what i want. So cuting her out of my life would be smart but also painfull thing to do. But is there nothing else that could be done?

If you want something from her that she's not willing to provide to you, then what's left to be done?

What's more painful? Walking away now or getting more invested in a relationship that she's not 100% willing to be in?

Stop thinking emotionally and be real with yourself.

 

[boostinfd]

So, your advice here is.... Go NC, right now... don't write her back on her Texts, don't answer her phone calls... just act as if she's gone? No explanation, no talking or saying this and that... just disappear?

 

[synergy1]

I remember asking once: "Do you want to be with me or not?" She said something along the lines of: "I don't want a relationship right now... etc".

This chick would leave a sick relatives side for the chance to be brad pitt's or tom brady's girlfriend even for one day. Its not that they don't want a relationship, its just that they don't want a relationship with you. Women will always make time and prioritize for the right guy.

The problem with these headgame women is that we as men enable this behavior by continuing to supplicate to it in one form or another. As much as you don't want to hear the answer of 'no contact', this seems ideal to me too. If you want to compromise, just barely contact but continue seeing and meeting other women. She shouldn't care if you aren't in a relationship, right?

No, hooking up with random girls won't necessarily make you forget about the ex. Some say it does, I have been w/ 5 chicks since I broke it off w/ mine, but I still dwell from time to time as well. Its natural. Just try and move your life forward. Life can be worse...

 

[boostinfd]

Thanks a lot.