New relationship with submissive B D S M girl going smoothly but not becoming that emotional

[Chamber36]

I think so at least.

so I'll give you all a summary:

1. We met on tinder and talked about sex for like 3 days before she showed up at my house at 1 AM with a bondage funbox.
2. She tested me texting me she was out drinking not wearing panties, then she got cought up in a threesome with 2 other people lol and they took her phone and told me to take care of her better. I talk to her after lol and we sort of make up, because I realise I should have just picked her up immediately.
3. She came back to me after, she acted all bratty but we still fvcked and she gave me a truckload of sh*t-tests by text after she left, so I basically said: "ok thanks for the experience I appreciate everything that I have learned about Dom sub relationships". We then agreed that if we were to continue interacting it would have to go through Dom sub etiquette, because otherwise there would be too much disrespect going on.
4. The next morning I gave her a list of how to behave etiquette-wise upon entering my house, in order to reinforce good behavior. She comes over at 3 AM and does everything perfectly. Shows up in lingerie, kneels on my carpet, takes off my shoes, svcks the D, gets me a beer. All that. Afterwards she sends me some insecure texts and I try to reassure her that she did everything really well and I was really happy with what she did. I really had the urge to text her that I was developing feelings for her at that point, but I decided not to, and keep things sort of professional.
5. She comes over just now, and everything was a bit boring. She comes over, does everything according to protocol, I tie her up, we bang, then have a wine and a cigarette and she leaves. She was nice and polite but there wasn't that much excitement. We agreed on some other toys and stuff we could use next time.

Now I am here... I feel the connection is sort of disappearing. Usually we text after she goes home you know, just to check up on each other or talk things through. Really a bit sad.

I feel like I should show my affection towards her a little now, but I don't really have an idea how. She created the perfect opportunity there at point 4. Should have gone for it and just told her I was developing feelings, it is a confident thing to say in a moment like that. Would have been a great way to give her positive reinforcement too.

Oh well... Don't really want this to become boring and die out. But we will meet again in a few days, the only thing is I think it's time for things to become a little more close now. If there is no emotional progress it will become stale. I can't act so cold-hearted all the time you know.

Opinions?

 

[Chamber36]

Ok, so how do I fvck wither when she's being good?

 

[RangerMIke]

My experience with chicks that are into BD$M are really incapable of developing a long term attraction for ANY man. They are fun to s3x up, but don't let sh!t get out of control.

Submission to them is a way to exercise emotional control. The minute you step out of the dominate frame... and start to care too much, she loses ALL attraction for you. The ONLY way to keep her around is to continue to treat her like a thing... which makes it absolutely impossible for her to be really attracted to you as a person.

There is difference between BD$M chicks, and the occasional role playing. But always remember NEVER let this get out of control. I dated one chick that was into rough sex and getting tied up, she was pretty much a BD$M chick... about a year ago she stopped reaching out to me... so I didn't see her for awhile. What happened is she charged another dude she was fvcking with rape... that stupid SOB let sh!t get out of control and really beat her up... I've been with the chick, and she would always beg you to hit her harder and be rougher... NEVER cross the line where you draw draw blood or bruise her. Safety words can help... but even then don't cross the line where you cause actual injury.

 

[sazc]

From my experiences (have friends that do the BD$M thing) it's a relationship where you get your sexual needs met, only.

 

[Chamber36]

She wants me to be her Dominant.
As far as I understand this means giving her the opportunity to fully shut off her brain. When she is tied up, blindfolded, whipped, spanked, fvcked and has candlewax poured on her, it's her little escape from reality. I just get to be the one to do this for her.

All I have to do is understand her body and know how to treat her well afterwards.

My problem is that I am sort of being too considerate, asking every step whether she likes it or not. This is a turnoff for her. But it's good to discuss afterwards. She wants to submit as much as possible really. To fully let go.

I have more girls to fvck besides her and she knows it, that's why she chose me.

It's nice that she comes over, we fvck, she goes, I feel good, etc. But it would be better if there was some emotional involvement because now it's just that we are using each other like I use the other 3 girls, except with ropes and other gizmo's. Also it's all a bit role-playish.

It was the opportunity to go deeper there at point #4 of the OP. Now we didn't step forward into those depths, but kept it more platonic(for a BD$M relationship).

I prefer to add the risk factor of her leaving by making it a bit emotional, because I do want personal claim to that pvssy, which I am actually losing now. No risk, no reward.

 

[Ranger]

I can only speak from what little I know of this. One friend that loved to be with me when she needed it rough and very dominant.

What I found, is when you are done, that’s the real intimacy time. Pull her into your lap and let her snuggle into you. It’s a good girl reward. I think they get a disconnected feeling after you use them pretty good.
I didn’t really have to say anything. I’m 6’-2” and about 210 in top condition and it seems that smaller women really like me so it’s easy for them to snuggle into me and feel protected.

It’s an interesting dynamic going on inside of her. As the man, I think you have to realize that it’s not really about the sex. It’s about feeling protected. It may seem that it’s about certain forms of abuse but it’s counterintuitive.

If you want her to connect, you have to be willing to allow her the real exposing thing that she is afraid to show you. That vulnerability and fear inside of her. Command the deck. It’s your ship. Be benevolent. Grant her the safety and security.
Sit in your chair or couch with your legs wide. Pretend it’s a warriors throne if you want. She will know what that means. Tell her to come here and pull her into your lap.
If She balks it’s a sign that she has no intention of exposing herself like that after a session.

My two cents worth of knowledge.

 

[Chamber36]

I can only speak from what little I know of this. One friend that loved to be with me when she needed it rough and very dominant.

What I found, is when you are done, that’s the real intimacy time. Pull her into your lap and let her snuggle into you. It’s a good girl reward. I think they get a disconnected feeling after you use them pretty good.
I didn’t really have to say anything. I’m 6’-2” and about 210 in top condition and it seems that smaller women really like me so it’s easy for them to snuggle into me and feel protected.

It’s an interesting dynamic going on inside of her. As the man, I think you have to realize that it’s not really about the sex. It’s about feeling protected. It may seem that it’s about certain forms of abuse but it’s counterintuitive.

If you want her to connect, you have to be willing to allow her the real exposing thing that she is afraid to show you. That vulnerability and fear inside of her. Command the deck. It’s your ship. Be benevolent. Grant her the safety and security.
Sit in your chair or couch with your legs wide. Pretend it’s a warriors throne if you want. She will know what that means. Tell her to come here and pull her into your lap.
If She balks it’s a sign that she has no intention of exposing herself like that after a session.

My two cents worth of knowledge.

I think you're spot on. Gotta really make her feel something. Less talking more doing, building it up slowly. Not making her cvm too soon.

 

[fastlife]

Bro, why in the world would you want to develop feelings for this girl? Rationally. Let me hear 'em. What are you hoping to accomplish?

Right now, things are set up in a way that works for what she's looking for: Sex without needing to worry about emotionality or the possibility of intimacy. Which she obviously has anxiety about based on the texts she sent you afterwards. That was a sh1t test, you passed, you got more sex.

Catch feelings and there's one of two outcomes I see:

1. (Most likely) She loses all interest and dips out. You were supposed to be fun, dominant in the bedroom. That's it. Not her boyfriend. She'll find someone else who can live up to that--and probably b1tch to him about how most guys (you) get clingy and emotional.
2. (Less likely) She becomes your girlfriend. And you're stuck in a relationship with someone who isn't a good candidate for monogamy. I.e. seeking thrill sex off tinder, engaging in threesomes, etc

I'm taking a wild swing, but guessing this is your ego seeking her emotional validation. You want her to catch feelings for you so you can feel good about yourself (and feel that 'excitement').

 

[Focal core]

From my experiences (have friends that do the BD$M thing) it's a relationship where you get your sexual needs met, only.

Exactly, clearly its a sex.. Short lived, find new sex again short lived again period.

 

[Ranger]

Just want to add that this same girl often will do everything in her power to accomplish you catching feelings. I don't mean just being around, but lying to you and herself about her feelings. Watch for her walking back the red flags she admitted to you already and flattering you in a fake way.

I want a connection with every lover. Even if we have sex once. A masculine man eliminates his weaknesses so that he does not become overly invested in a woman.

Again certain men are more susceptible to certain propensities to go idealistic in affections. I would not recommend that these men partake. Only men that can handle and control their emotions should partake.

This does not mean “don’t allow a good connection”. For a good connection one would have to understand women and the individual differences of women.

Beings that “psychology” is thrown around a lot then we should talk about a phenomenon that clearly exists.
If a man believes that women or even many women are dangerous, have evil intentions, are total slvts, etc. well it’s interesting that it’s those women that they attract. I can’t remeber the term used for this right off hand. But it’s well documented.
What you believe is what you get. And you will keep getting exactly that.

Like I said, I’ve only experienced one woman who was truly a B-D-S-M type. I’ve met some others but was with only one. Forced orgasms are highly stimulating for many women. This does not make them trash or necessarily “damaged”. Though for some I’m sure they have issues. But that applies for all spheres.

Leaders understand people and motives. They see what the masses don’t. It’s not rocket science but it’s not simplistic either.

 

[Chamber36]

In that case I have to mention there are some infractions I let slide and some things I've done wrong.

I see she's updated her tinder profile since we first fvcked and changed her profile pic in whatsapp after I told her which one to put up.

She also said she is busy thursday night.

One rule I was considering was telling her I have to be the first one she texts every morning.

I think if I tell her those things we might be back on track.

 

[Ranger]

What she is giving you is a free pass to be an unapologetic man with particular demands, desires and expectations (within limitations of course). Infractions on these demands and expectations come from outside of the bedroom, which is later to be punished in the bedroom.

Say for example you're out having drinks together and she starts talking to another man in a way that displeases you. That is grounds for punishment. You have to let her know that you are displeased and that this will be taken care of later (meaning, in the bedroom). You then just carry on with the rest of the evening normally.

Then lets say a few hours later you end up back at your place. That's when you grab her by the hair, just as an example, **** her head back and tell her you didn't like what she did. That's when you start to administer your demands, while continuing to lecture her on why you're displeased, how she's been bad, reminding her of your rules, etc. while you are being sexually pleased by her in the process. When it's over, you can go back to normal like nothing happened. You can even be nice, offer her water, ask if she wants to watch a movie. Whatever.

Bottom line is, this is a 24 hour thing. Every interaction, all communication, everything is subject to infractions. Anything at all that displeases you--at any time. That doesn't mean you have to be a mean, abusive pr*ck who throws the meatloaf against the wall and demands she cook another, but she wants you to make the rules. She doesn't want you to look to her for guidance on how to do that.

This is why it just feels like role-playing to you, because you're not creating legitimate reasons to punish her over. You're just going through the dominant motions without a driver.

If you develop feelings and start going down that road, it's all going to fall apart. The previous scenario will start to play out differently. Rather than punishing her for talking to another man, you're going to start veering off into conversations about where your relationship is heading and other such turn-off topics for her. She will very likely even start to fvck with you and disrespect you just to give you a reason to punish her.

And even if you do somehow break through all of that and appeal to her softer side for something a little more relationship-like, it will never stick. As soon as she is displeased with the way things are going she will revert back to looking for dominance again, which she will most definitely seek elsewhere.

Good stuff. I like issuing spankings points for things said or done. It should be a game. She will be purposely doing things to get disciplined for.

If fact I’ve mentioned things right up front to give her ideas on what to do to get her “punishments” for being a bad girl.

It’s can be a game or a guy can get all butt hurt over things. Interestingly, I do things like this with every lover anyway. Even the FWB that I’m seeing now. It’s just a game that both enjoy playing. But there should be a non-negotiable masculinity from the man as you pointed out.

 

[Spaz]

That in such an arrangement one is playing therapist (of course enjoyably, somewhat).

R u trying to sell ur mental illness/snake oil in this thread where you have no experiences in real life ?

Experiences over the computer in LDR doesn't count.

 

[sazc]

Lol #following

 

[Spaz]

You're soooo insecure and butthurt it's hilarious, following me around like a beta cuck.

Don't deflect the question.

Everyone already knows that you're posted 5400 posting about mental illness over the years.

Take a break for 1 day.

 

[Ranger]

R u trying to sell ur mental illness/snake oil in this thread where you have no experiences in real life ?

Experiences over the computer in LDR doesn't count.

Always. Lol. His assertion is simply not true. Not even close to true. There are plenty of genetic and biological drives that can make a woman VERY receptive to this.

Here’s the bottom line proof of this. AND it’s a best selling novel and is considered a woman’s crack cocain. “50 Shades of Gray”

 

[Chamber36]

If you guys know anything about Jungian psychology and/or fairy tales/mythology, what she is looking for is a bluebeard figure. A man she fears and will punish her. Somebody who she can respect and feel humble towards.

That's kind of what I think. A man to set up rules and when she breaks them she gets beaten. I guess she just gets fvcked and slapped though as opposed to the fairy tale.

 

[Ranger]

If you guys know anything about Jungian psychology and/or fairy tales/mythology, what she is looking for is a bluebeard figure. A man she fears and will punish her. Somebody who she can respect and feel humble towards.

That's kind of what I think. A man to set up rules and when she breaks them she gets beaten. I guess she just gets fvcked and slapped though as opposed to the fairy tale.

True stuff. Women want a strong man that will keep her in line and that is also part of protection.

It also feeds back to @Spaz and his idea of redemption. She has done some terrible things and society tells her it’s ok even when she knows it’s not when taken in context with male/female interactions.

B-D-S-M is a dramatization of these things. It is a reflection of the nature of care and protection. There’s a lot in this stuff.