New here. Semi DJ. Need help.

[Big Pappy]

Definitely some good pearls of wisdom in this thread. There are always some different perspectives when we are honest and shed as much light as we can.

I would suggest that you try to never tell a girl that she's LTR material until she asks why you two aren't exclusive.

 

[newyorkdude]

Well, she called late tonight again for the second time, I didnt answer, then when i got online late she IM'd me. We flirted and chatted, I acted as if everything was going better than ever, and said that I was at the casino with friends all night--which i was for a while. We made tentative plans to hang out Weds night.

At one point I said, btw I hate to be picky, (with a long pause) and she kept saying what what, whats wrong, dont say anything bad, but then i just teased her about spelling a word wrong in her away message. SHe was all relieved that it wasnt anything to do with us.

Basically boys it comes down to this. SHes a senior in college just starting her life. I of course am more settled. She is in this with the attitude that shes going to have fun, and whatever happens..happens. I am somewhat in the same boat, but with my life being more settled am looking for someone to enjoy a good, solid LTR with. I have always mainly been in an LTR, just in the last 5 years i was in a 1 1/2 year and 3 year relationship. THis girl is somewhat different in the fact that I like her PERSONALITY so much, which is different than my last two exs where i was more attracted to the phsyical aspect.

So, in a nutshell I just have to be the type of guy, with your help of coarse, that can persuade her without her even knowing it that she wants to be with me, and start this new part of her life dating a somewhat older guy. Its not gonna be a cakewalk that is for sure.

Any other tips on where to go from here?

By the way i used the tip of saying i was gonna invite her tonight to go along but thought she would be too busy, worked like a charm.

 

[dietzcoi]

Listen to Puerto Rican_Lover, for God's sake

You have oneitis. Beleive me I know it well.. but no more!

She is too young. You are getting wrapped up. THis will have a bad ending unless you pull back.

You already know pulling back works... why do you want to change tactics?

You are flying on one engine... will you make the landing or crash and burn?

Dietzcoi

 

[Jay Gatsby]

You're learning. Good.

Now. Here are a few things you should do. First, stop with the IM'ing. I know everyone seems to be in the digital age, but nothing works better to convey subtle messages than inflections in a voice over a telephone, except, of course (and it's spelled "course" not "coarse") a face-to-face meeting where your eyes and facial expression tell the story.

Second, your "I hate to be picky" was a good move, as it exposed her insecurities about you. She obviously wants you in her life, and she thought you were about to say something negative about her that is affecting (if not terminating) your desire to occupy that position. Yet I'm not sure that she wants you in her life as an exclusive boyfriend/lover/husband, etc...just yet. As you indicated, she's a senior in colllege. She's just getting out of the best years of her life, when her looks and charm were paramount for getting what she wanted and for having a good time. She's about to enter the big bad real world -- a place you already are -- and she's scared. Consequently, your being a part of her life provides a degree of reassurance that: (a) her looks and charm can work on non-college guys; (b) she has a safety net/shoulder to cry on/guide in the wilderness if the transition to the real world gets too tough (perhaps even as a father-figure); and (c) you provide bragging material for her to her friends.

Third, you need to pull back, and force her to temper her enthusiasm as the carefree college graduate with the thought that the experiences associated with her desire to have fun would be so much more interesting if shared with you, rather than still-clueless college graduate guys. You bring far more the the table than they do, and as long as you convey the message that you're not trying to tie her down/clip her wings (which you appeared to be doing, which is why she backed off), she'll stick with you. However, throughout the process you need to restrain your feelings for her -- there's nothing wrong with them -- but you need to control them, not the other way around. Trust me, you, and hopefully your relationship with her, will be better served by doing so.

Finally, I'm glad my suggestion that you would have invited her to come along, but you thought she'd be too busy, worked well for you. It often does when a woman is trying the "old friend from out of town" or other type of pull back game. Going forward, she'll start initiating again, but be on the lookout for hints in her voice, expressions, etc... that indicates she wants you to invite her along on your next night out (by the way, women LOVE casinos -- it projects an image of being a high roller, James Bond-type sophistication). Adventures such as casino gambling, boating (especially sailboating), wineries, private tours of museums, gallery openings, etc...would make any recently-graduated college woman weak in the knees. They often dream of these types of adventures, which college guys could never give them. Once they've graduated, women don't want to hang out in bars all the time shooting pool.

 

[bp1974]

I think you're being a bit avoiding here. Telling her about a grammar mistake is nothing, really. WaterTiger gave you great advice about asking her how she's going to make up for cancelling on you and unless you just haven't posted about it, you seem to have decided against that.

I echo what was said about not saying you're busy when you're not - that's just childish and will not help you. Asking her how to make up for cancelling your date HELPS YOU:

- It shows her that you care about the time you spend with her
- It shows her that you value your time too
- It shows her you're not afraid to tell her when she's done something you don't like
- It shows her that you see this thing as a two-way street, and she has to put effort into pleasing you too

I strongly advise that you do this. If she tries to turn it round with an "Are you mad at me?", tell her plainly, clearly and in good humour that you don't like being cancelled on. Then tell her with a big grin that if she's going to cancel then she must make it up to you in various ways. I'll leave exactly what up to the two of you.

 

[WaterTiger]

OKay, look at it this way...

You're considering an LTR with this girl. That's a higher level than "just dating". She must STEP UP to accomodate you! You DO NOT step down to accomodate her.

You are the prize, you're the mature one who's "settled" in your life. You have the good job, place to live and other grown-up toys. You know what you want, and if she can't provide it then you will look elsewhere.

By going "easy" on her is NOT HELPING THE SITUATION!

 

[Ricky]

This is one of the better posts I"ve seen lately.

Jay Gatsby your straight to the point advice has inspired me to check out some of your other posts.

I love the name too. Noone could throw a party like Jay Gatsby.
They don't call you the Great Gatsby for nothing.

 

[Crank_It_Up]

you're 34, she's 23, and you're not happy about having to play these little games... what did you expect?

I agree with your comment you both are at 2 different points in your lives. But do you really want to play these games as you wait for her to grow up?

She's just not LTR material... perhaps one day in the distant future, but not now. So enjoy it for what it is, or move on to something better. Good luck.

 

[newyorkdude]

Update...

Ok, well we hung out Thursday night, had a great time, by the time I left the next morning we had sex 3 different times as well. We did do some drinking that night at the bar, and at some point we discussed where our relationship was heading and some parameters concerning it. Though by the time we started to really get into the discussion, we ended up in bed, started having sex, and we never brought it up again.

So anyway, right after I left within a couple of hours she sent me an email giving me a couple web sites we had talked about and wishing me a great day.

I responded later that night...read it guys and tell me if you think I did right, screwed up, or whatever. I can take criticism fine. Here it is.........

Hey,
I hear ya about dragging today. Don't know how you could have managed to keep your eyes open through classes. I had to catch myself 4 or 5 times today when my eyes started to drift shut. We have a great time partying together but we sure pay for it the next day dont we? How did we ever get through 4 days of Vegas? As soon as I get done here I'm off to bed and a good book. Yeah lame I know, but to me nothing better than bed and a book, well, maybe one other thing is better with something in bed lol.

And hey, as far as last night and what was said after we had had a few. I'll make this short and not too serious, because thats one thing I've really liked about us getting to know one another, we just kinda have fun and let things fall where they may without reading too much into things, even though I know I can wax all poetic when I've been drinking, as you know all too well lol. Anyway, I've been in too many relationships where people play little games and all that bull. Not that you and I do at all, but I've learned to basically speak my mind when I feel the time is right. So basically, after getting to know you more, I care about you. I think I feel safe in assuming you feel somewhat the same about myself, probably even more since its me we're talking about . You're a damn cool girl. I'm a damn cool guy. So lets get it on.... or at least start thinking about thinking about it lol. End of story. If your down with that, great. If not, do what makes you happy I always say. No pressure. Not saying that tonight you and I should become exclusive bf-gf and live happily ever after, but I am saying that if we continue to see one another, unless you become a totally and utterly complete psycho, which after getting to know you isn't out of the realm of possibilities lol, but assuming that doesn't happen, if your realllllly lucky I'm pretty sure my feelings for you will only get stronger. So there...bamm...theres your last warning about how I feel and end of drama for the night.

See ya...

Ok, should I have sent that? And if so did I come across as obviously expressing an interest in possibly moving the relationship along further without coming across as too pushy? Or did I majorily screw up? We've been dating now for almost 3 months, in my mind at least I don't think its unreasonable at that point to start to wonder is this going anywhere, or is it just a fling. Again, any comments are appreciated.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

You sound like an emotional buffoon!!! When I read the e-mail I thought it was she who wrote it - it sounded like it came from a woman!!!

You already have the hor and now you want to smother her with affection!!! See her as the the hor that she is and give her such respect - anything else would be an injustice!

Don't get emotional with a hor!!

 

[disciple]

First off, you have to keep in mind that the girl is only 23 (correct me if I don't have the age right). Girls in that age range may be grown up chronologically, but mentally and emotionally in many ways they still have a lot of kid in them. You seem like the kind of guy who is ready to "settle down". I can tell you from my own experience that trying to establish a serious long term committed relationship with a girl who is younger than 25 or 26 is an exercise in futility and frustration. You need to find a woman in her late twenties maybe even early thirties who preferably doesn't have kids, has responsibilities like paying bills, rent, car note, etc. and is a real "grown up". Also these women have more life experience and tend to know what they want more than younger women. My advice is to keep this chick for fun and enjoyment but don't chase her or invest emotionally in this girl. It doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page in terms of that LTR stuff. If you persist in that line of thinking with this girl, I guarantee you that a serious case of heartbreak-itus is in your near future.

 

[decades]

ummm sorry but you are like a silly boy wrapped up in this "relationship" yet you are much older than her! this email is the telltale heart. It's too long and sappy! Keep it short and sweet. You asked for detailed step by step instruction more than once. Instead you need to be natural and think for yourself! All that worry and constrenation permeates the back and forth when you two are together. Take it easy!!! You are getting plenty of sex from her. Start acting like the dominant male , as PRL suggests. Then guage her reaction! In the meantime, find some other focus! Go wit da flow man.

Come on dude. Chill.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Where are you?? I had to be harsh with you because you are heading for destruction with your current mindset!!

 

[newyorkdude]

Thanks again to everyone that has posted and offered advice.

Disciple, and PRL, you may have nailed it. I think that for now i'm just going to hang out with her, have fun like we always do, and see what happens without talking anymore about a LTR with her. SHe has some idea of my feelings, so to keep harping about it is pointless. In the meantime i'm going to be a little less available, a little less obvious in my affection for her.

We hung out the other day and as usual had a great time, same as when we talk on the phone.

But i am going to see what else is out there, in fact tomorrow I have a date with another girl, and then Sunday this girl and I will hang out. I'll keep everyone posted.

 

[disciple]

There ya go man!! I'm glad to see your exploring other options. It always dangerous to put your full focus on one female (especially when her focus on you may not be equal). Well, let us know what happens with this new chick. I'm out.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Finally, you have come to your senses - it may be a little late considering that she now knows that you have a great emotional involvement in this sexual relationship. Just don't let her use this knowledge to your disadvantage - you should always dictate the agenda and set the standards of operation!!!

 

[Don Juanabbe]

You're 34 and she's 23? WTF? And you're getting all emotional on her? What next, are you going to hand her a glass jar of formaldihide with your nuts in em so she can store them in her night stand? I think I'm going to puke. Enjoy the bratty, immature behaviour and the mind games.