New here. Semi DJ. Need help.

[newyorkdude]

Hey guys, have come across a situation that has me just a little perplexed, and was wondering what advice some of you may have.

Met this girl about two months ago. I'm 34, though told i look 26-27, most girls have rated me a 8.5-9. Shes a senior in college and 23. We started hanging out and have basically gotten along just as well as you could possibly ask for. Started having sex pretty quickly, go out about 1-2 times a week, never argue, laugh all the time, and a few weeks ago went to the Bahamas together. She pays at least half of her way when we go out including our trip. By the way she called the trip her best vacation shes ever had.

We've kept it pretty low key, havent discussed alot about a relationship other than in general terms, although I do know the age factor, while not huge, does concern her some. We have hung out twice since we got back, had a great times of coarse, but yesterday for the first time she backed out on a date. We were going to hang out after the game, but she called and said she couldnt because I guess a friend of hers who she used to go to school with showed up unexpectedly at school for the tailgate and she said when we go out, its usually just us spending all our time together, and she wanted to spend some time with her. I of coarse played it cool and said no biggie, some other time. The only reason this concerns me a little is because I sense that I am slightly more concerned about the relationship than she is from previous converstaions, maybe 60/40. I do notice that whenever i pullback a little, she comes running quickly, but when i start to show more affection than normal, she seems to withdrawl some.
For example, the other day we were at crowded club, and i dissapeared for like 5 minutes to go the bathroom and just walk around by myself for a bit, she called 6 times in that times worried I had left her and was pretty frantic about it lol.

Now we just saw each other two days ago, so its not like we havent been hanging out lately, but I guess what Im asking is what do i do to change the power or IL in the relationship from her being in control 60/40 to me being that way? Pullback, dont be as available for dates or phone calls for a bit? I dont really get the sense that she withdrawls slightly to play games, but from what I know of her she seems a little uncomfortable with too much affection or physical contact. In fact she told me shes been that way with every bf shes ever had. In fact shes had 3 major bf's and has never introduced any of them to her family. So she definetly has some issues in that regard. I sense that she does have fairly high IL in me, but whenever i start to show to much IL, she withdrawals some.

How do I change that, and what specifically do i do to help her "realize" that I am the greatest guy she could ever imagine being with and give me more control in the relationship. By the way, i would have no problem in taking this relationship to the next level, and she has hinted around to it, but at the same time I sense she is pretty comfortable in just "hanging" out rght now.

TIA guys.

 

[newyorkdude]

By the way I guess I should say I know why she broke the date. At least its my best guess. I have let her know is not specific words but in a backhanded way that I think she is definetly LTR material, and I could see myself having one with her. So she knows pretty much where I stand in that regard. I think she feels like she can break a date (and really, the breaking of the date in itself isnt a big thing to me, we've all done it, and if she wants to see a longtime friend, more power to her), but I think she feels like she can break the date because she KNOWS my feelings for her, and that something like that isnt going to cause me to break up with her.

But its that along with some other things that lead me to believe that if I dont change things soo, in the long run this will only lead to me getting heart broke, so I feel like I have to change how this is heading now.

Any advice?

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Originally posted by newyorkdude
How do I change that, and what specifically do i do to help her "realize" that I am the greatest guy she could ever imagine being with and give me more control in the relationship. By the way, i would have no problem in taking this relationship to the next level, and she has hinted around to it, but at the same time I sense she is pretty comfortable in just "hanging" out rght now.

TIA guys.

First off - she is just another hor who has opened her legs to another man - you are noone special - and there are no "Greatest" to hors - you are just the next pimp in line!!!

You are the man so she already assumes that you have the control unless you voluntarily give it to her - only chumps let woman dictate the agenda!!! You are wavering towards the 'Chump' line once you stated you wanted a LTR - men don't say shyt like this - WOMEN DO!!

You lose your control (POWER) to a woman once you care about her more than she does for you!!!!!!!

You may have lost control already!! Don't ask - DICTATE!!

 

[WaterTiger]

She's sh!t testing you...

Just like the three year old who tests to see how far he can wander away before Mommy calls him back, your girl is doing the same thing with you. She's starting to take you for granted. "Oh, he likes me so I can act silly and he won't say anything."

You need to yank her chain! Next time she goes to the bathroom, move to the other side of the bar and let her look for you. When she breaks a date with you, ask her how she intends to make it up to you.

She knows where YOU stand. Just like the three year old...she's testing her limits with you. She's looking for you to TELL HER where she stands. DON"T let her get away with this!

 

[Ricky]

What if next time he's out he flat asks "So what are you going to do to make up for the fact you cancelled out on me last time?"

I have to admit guys, I'm kind of weird this way, but when a girl cancels I don't sweat it anymore if I've been dating her for a while.

I have plenty of friends to hang out with and plenty of other interests I can pursue even if i don't go out.

 

[newyorkdude]

Thanks to those of you who have responded so far. She called me last night about 5 or so, I called her back about 9 from the bar, and she said she was just about to call me again since she hadnt heard from me. So time and again I see that whenever i pullback, she comes to me. The problem is I really dont want to get into the little games that some can play in the beginnings of relationships, but realize I may have no choice right now.

She said we should get together later this week like Weds. or so, should I tell her I can't..I'm busy, maybe some other time? Bottom line is the other day even though I can understand it, she chose her friend over me, and imo she did so because she knows exactly where I stand as far as my feelings for her, and knows that I'm pretty into her and she can get away with it.

I guess what I'm looking for is some exact strategy as to what to do for the next couple of weeks to get the edge more into my favor. And of coarse, any comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated guys.

 

[newyorkdude]

Water tiger, its funny what you said about next time she goes to the bathroom and dissapearing for 5 minutes. Thats exactly what I did the other day. I went to the bathroom, then started wandering around the bar for a few minutes. When she finally found me she was frantic and said she had called me 6 times in 5 minutes wondering where I was. Later when i saw my cell phone she actually called 7 times and left 3 messages wondering where I was. So she obviously feels like whenever she doesnt know exactly what Im up to, she starts to act afc. The thing is when she does know exactly where I stand with her, she is a master DJ.

How do I break this?

 

[Switchblade]

First question for you, but I already know the answer:

Why are your panties in a bunch over her?

Answer: You have feelings for her already, she knows that you do.

Second question for you, and I again probably already know the answer:

What are you going to do the next time she pulls the "an old friend came into town" game?

Answer: To borrow a line from Bob Seger's song "Turn the Page" -- "you'll pretend it doesn't bother you, but you'll just want to explode."

This, of course, is is what she probably expects you to do, and would be a huge mistake. Conventional DJ wisdom might tell you that pretending not to care is the best way to control any ******d sign of emotion. The problem is that she wants to see that emotion. Yes, she is testing you, but not in the way that other posters have described.

So what do you do? You give her what she wants, namely, an emotional response, but not the one she's hoping to get. You let your annoyance show, but it must convey a sense of disappointment in her -- that she failed you -- while at the same time giving her an opportunity to make amends for her failure. She must realize that there is a price she'll have to pay for breaking a prior agreement to spend time with you. If there truly is an old friend from out of town that showed up all of a sudden on her doorstep (a BS excuse many women have for getting out of dates), then she shouldn't be put out by inviting you along and introducing you to her "old friend".

You don't want to play games with this girl. Guess what? She wants to play games with you. All women do, and always will. If you're not ready to play, then drop this girl right now and go back to the minor leagues. There's always room for a bat boy.

 

[NewMan]

She already knows she has you in the palm of her hand.

You've already told her you want more - so the power is hers.

I don't see the fact that she broke 1 date as a big deal. If it recoccurs then I'd say it's a problem.

What you must do is take the pwoer back.

It's a mind game and you must have the stronger will.

She must always decide when to move the relationship forward.

So now what to do?

Put your radar on for other women.

Date other chicks if you get the opportunity.

Get you life back and work on your hobbies.

Still see her of course - but she needs to get the idea that she is expendable. You can move on tomorrow if necessary.

Don't be afraid of walking away if that's what it takes.

 

[newyorkdude]

Hey guys, actually I have continued to keep an eye out for other chicks, in fact last night I was THIS close to getting laid by a friend of a friend, and I turned down sex with another girl last week mainly because I wasnt THAT attracted to her, and I felt kind of guilty cheating on this girl I'm talking about. So I do have other options. Of coarse, this girl knows nothing specifically about that, or even that I am talking to a few others.

Yes, I am developing pretty strong feelings for this one, and Im sure she can sense that, hence my problem. I guess what I'm looking for, and maybe there really isnt a direct answer, is a specific "program" for the 1-3 weeks to help me accomplish the goals that you guys have stated, namely make her realize that she isnt the only girl out there for me, and I can go on just fine without her, without coming across as a bragging idiot or bigtime game player. I need a way to subtely get the hint to her that while I really like her and like our time together, she shouldnt just assume that I will always be right there or that she has me in the plam of her hand.

I actually think a decent opp. presented itself last night when talking to her from the bar, she knew I was going out and maybe gonna meet other girls, but she knows nothing about the fact i was dancing with, feeling up and making out with another girl that night. Now I would never just come out and say something like I did that lol, that would be just sounding like a jerk, but I have not talked to her today at all, so maybe (somehow???) I could subtely hint to her that I may have met some girl that night and danced, etc., without coming across like I was just saying it to get at her?? Any help there?

Thanks again for the help.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Simple - dictate the agenda!! Don't ask what she wants to do - tell her what you are both going to do and see if she follows or declines your offers!! If she doesn't go along then don't succomb to her suggestions and just go on your own!

If she doesn't follow then you have to be ready to walk - as long as she knows that you won't walk she'll think she can control you - and this is a very shameful condition for a man - to be controlled!!

NEVER initiate how you 'feel' to a woman - women always wonder how a man feels and not the other way around!

 

[newyorkdude]

Ok look, I can flat out admit that my feelings for this girl are getting stronger, and I would love to start a LTR with her, I really dont think there is anything wrong in admiting that, to me shes a great person to be with. Now, I have never admitted this to her, though I have hinted around at something possibly long term in the future, plus she knows I dig her in general.

I also know what I am biased in this case, and that I am not thinking with a clear head, but rather a lovestruck heart. That is why I am asking for specifics, and I mean specific advice on what to do in the next 3 weeks or so with her from everyone.

Should I start refusing her offers to go out because I'm too busy, even if Im not? Should I stop accepting all her phone calls and call her back maybe a day later, and while being funny and in a great mood, keep the convos short? SHould I hint around to there being other girls Im dating?

These are all things Im talking about when I mean specifics. Im not thinking with a clear head, so I really am asking for some guidance from you guys who have no emotional ties to this matter.

Thanks again.

 

[newyorkdude]

Anyone else?

 

[NewMan]

You have to be more of a challenge.

Don't come on so strong.

You NEED other things going on in your life.

If she calls you at the last minute to do something - then you are to busy.

Don't always pick up her phone calls - but don't always ignore them.

Let's say she calls at 8pm - don't pick up the phone. Call her back the next day - tello her you were out to dinner.

Still see her - go out with her - and when your with her have a blast. Fun, Fun, fun. Don't get all quiet and reserved. Nope - you've got to be yourself. show her the person you are - then when the date is over you back off. Wait a couple of days to call her again. Don't pick up her call.

Make other plans one Saturday or Friday night and tell her your busy.


The point is - she not wanting what you want right now - so it's smart not to commit all of your time and energy into her. She needs to feel that, by your actions. She needs to wonder what your up to. Who your with. And she needs to WANT to hang with you because when she does, she has the time of her life.

 

[MrCode]

NewMan mentioned it in his first post in this thread and I would like to highlight this advice in particular: Date Other Women!

My philosophy has always been why fake something when you can do it for real? For example, why act like you are busy on a Wednesday night when you could actually be busy dating another girl? A lot of guys seem to go to a lot of trouble to act busy when it really isn't that hard to genuinely be busy.

Also you don't have to necessarily have a date with a female to be busy. Go out with your buddies and play some pool. Be the wingman for some of your single buddies and while you are helping them hook up maybe you will meet someone yourself.

See the problem is, you clearly have oneitis. I will assume you know what that term means given that you've read around this forum. The best cure for oneitis is a nice group of women you are dating who all have desirable qualities. You should do your best to make it genuinely hard for you to decide between them all.

Once you do that you will make this girl step up, and of course you will have some fun with other girls and maybe even meet someone better.

Also I read the term "cheating" in one of your posts. How can you cheat on someone if you aren't in a relationship? I think you still have some AFC beliefs you need to purge yourself of (like that you can only date/screw one girl at a time.)

 

[Jay Gatsby]

Originally posted by newyorkdude
Should I start refusing her offers to go out because I'm too busy, even if Im not? Should I stop accepting all her phone calls and call her back maybe a day later, and while being funny and in a great mood, keep the convos short? Should I hint around to there being other girls I'm dating?

These are all things I'm talking about when I mean specifics. Im not thinking with a clear head, so I really am asking for some guidance from you guys who have no emotional ties to this matter.

I'm glad you can admit that you're not thinking straight. Most guys wouldn't make such an admission, but rather would hide behind the false bravado that they're in control of their emotions.

Now, on to your proposed course(s) of action. First, don't pretend you're too busy to go out. You'll come across as pouting like a little boy who didn't get his way. Second, don't stop accepting her phone calls, or playing the "call her back in X number of days" game to make it seem like you're too busy. Again, your efforts will be transparent. Finally, don't hint about other women in an effort to make her jealous. You won't make her jealous, but rather reinforce her belief that you're an insecure little boy, not a man.

So what do you do? Accept the fact that she's pulled away from you -- primarily because *you're* moving too fast for her. Remember, no woman wants what she can have without the challenge that she won't get it. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, namely, that she was throwing herself at you. What would you do? You'd get sick and tired of her, and pull away -- you'd feel smothered -- and you'd be right to feel that way.

In terms of specifics, go find some hobbies to keep your mind occupied and off of her. Don't worry, she'll won't run away. If she was going to run away, she would have LJBF'd you already. She hasn't, which is a sign of high interest (but not as high as yours obviously). If you like to work out, then spend your time in the gym. If you like movies, plays, sports or other forms of entertainment, grab some friends (male or female) and go watch them. Regardless of what you do, have a great time and enjoy yourself. You'll be surprised that she will fade from the forefront of your thoughts (but of course, she won't disappear altogether).

Once you're fully engaged in other pursuits, she'll wonder why you're not available. When she calls, you shouldn't volunteer what you've been up to -- unless she asks -- which she will. When she does, your answers should convey a truthful sense that you've been having a great time without her. You close the conversation with something along the lines of "I would have called and invited you along, but I assumed you were busy." You convey two messages with this statement. First, you indicate that it didn't even occur to you to invite her. Second, you send the loud and clear message that as far as you're concerned, she will remain "busy" in your mind unless and until she makes an affirmative step to ask what you're up to, and if she can come along for the ride. The key is to put the onus on her to come to you, thereby raising her interest level.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

I gave you a specific solution - ask her to do things and see if she follows you or declines - a interested woman NEVER declines!

 

[newyorkdude]

Ok she just called at around 10 at night here. SHould I call back now, later, not at all? Make her sweat a little?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.......

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Dude, you are thinking way too much here - her interest in you is not going to be based on how fast or slow you respond to her phone call!!

She'll judge you on manly qualities!! Getting emotional and acting desperate so early in the game is what will hurt your chances with her not responding quickly to her call!!

 

[parisaga]

Originally posted by Jay Gatsby
Now, on to your proposed course(s) of action. First, don't pretend you're too busy to go out. You'll come across as pouting like a little boy who didn't get his way. Second, don't stop accepting her phone calls, or playing the "call her back in X number of days" game to make it seem like you're too busy. Again, your efforts will be transparent. Finally, don't hint about other women in an effort to make her jealous. You won't make her jealous, but rather reinforce her belief that you're an insecure little boy, not a man.

Great fvcking post. Seriously. Awesome.

Chicks know all the tricks, there's no substitute for honestly changing your priorities.

It's taken me years, but when I honestly put chicks on the ring of other stuff I want to do (and not before), it always works out somehow. Even with an LTR.