New Girlfriend logs into her ex's Facebook on my laptop

[Atom Smasher]

Just my feelings after my experience. If there is ANY guy that she has a physical past with you cannot win, best to walk away immediately, at least that's my take on it.

You're right about that. The "laying down of the law" has to be done early, before issues like this creep in.

I have no idea how old some of you guys are (which is why we should be posting our age in our profiles), but I perceive that there is a real stigma in the early twenties crowd about coming off as "jealous". This is a scarlet letter that women and our feminized society-at-large seem to hang over your heads.

When you get a little older you start to realize that crap doesn't work for you and that most women crave a man who will establish parameters and limits for them. My early twenties were the worst years of my life because even back then I knew that women in my age group had their heads so far up their asses that I couldn't understand how they could even breathe. And you guys have it twice as rough today than I had it.

Just as a child knows deep down inside that he or she needs discipline, so do women. They will cry and moan and test you, but a man must stay strong and stick to his guns. When he does, that is when she feels free to surrender to him. Does this apply to people in their early twenties today? I'm not so sure. There is too much confusion and turmoil in that age group. I can tell you for sure that it applies when the late twenties and beyond roll around and a little reality starts trickling in.

At any rate, a dominant frame must be started early in a relationship or she will run roughshod over you. I repeat what I said before... there is no such thing as "just friends". Her other lover is giving her a payoff that the OP is not giving her.

 

[Slickster]

You're right about that. The "laying down of the law" has to be done early, before issues like this creep in.

I have no idea how old some of you guys are (which is why we should be posting our age in our profiles), but I perceive that there is a real stigma in the early twenties crowd about coming off as "jealous". This is a scarlet letter that women and our feminized society-at-large seem to hang over your heads.

When you get a little older you start to realize that crap doesn't work for you and that most women crave a man who will establish parameters and limits for them. My early twenties were the worst years of my life because even back then I knew that women in my age group had their heads so far up their asses that I couldn't understand how they could even breathe. And you guys have it twice as rough today than I had it.

Just as a child knows deep down inside that he or she needs discipline, so do women. They will cry and moan and test you, but a man must stay strong and stick to his guns. When he does, that is when she feels free to surrender to him. Does this apply to people in their early twenties today? I'm not so sure. There is too much confusion and turmoil in that age group. I can tell you for sure that it applies when the late twenties and beyond roll around and a little reality starts trickling in.

At any rate, a dominant frame must be started early in a relationship or she will run roughshod over you. I repeat what I said before... there is no such thing as "just friends". Her other lover is giving her a payoff that the OP is not giving her.

Good advice!!

The very first time you catch your new girlfriend talking to her ex (or any other dude) confront her about it. Don't do it in a jealous way. Be calm, cool, and in control. All you are trying to do is set some boundaries and get your point across.

Something like this for the ex:

You: "It kinda seems like you are still hung up on your ex."
Her: "Oh, we're just friends."
You: "Hey, listen, you seem really great and I'm really enjoying spending time with you. I think what we have so far is amazing and I'd really like to pursue it further.....but if you're still hanging on to things with your ex then I'm not going to waste my time with any of this."
Her: "There's nothing going on, we're just friends."
You: "Well that's great, but I just want you to know that I'm not going to waste my time."

Something like this for other dudes trying to game your girl:

You: "So, who is that guy?"
Her: "Oh, we're just friends."
You: "Hey, listen, you seem really great and I'm really enjoying spending time with you. I think what we have so far is amazing and I'd really like to pursue it further.....but if you're still wanting to act single with other guys then I'm not going to waste my time"
Her: "There's nothing going on, we're just friends."
You: "Well that's great, but I just want you to know that I'm not going to waste my time."


Now this is her moment to make you feel right about the situation. Ideally she will "show" you rather than just "tell" you.

What you have done is sent her a message that you will take away your attention from her if things continue on this path. It is basically an ultimatum without coming out and actually saying it.

Now back in my early 20's I would not have had the balls to say some thing like this. However, once I got a bit older I pretty much used these lines on every single girlfriend I had. In every case she would eventually "wise up" and stop all the BS with other dudes/exes, etc. If she tried to test me with it, I would pull back immediately and basically eject from the relationship. When she would question me I would respond with "I'm not wasting my time." She will once again claim they are "just friends" and I would counter with "That's great, I've got lots of other girlfriends I can hang with too. If that's the direction this relationship is going then I'm OK with that. We'll have to see how that works out. "

Once again you are making a point. If you are going to be exclusive with her then demand the same behaviour in return. If she won't comply then the "exclusive" part of your relationship doesn't exist. Feel free to play away and do NOT be afraid to let her know that's how you feel.

This has to be done early because this is about respect. You can't let her get away with BS (ie disrespect you) and then try and demand respect later. It just doesn't work that way.

The moment you start demanding this type of respect (from the start) your relationships with women will forever change.

 

[backbreaker]

Good advice!!

The very first time you catch your new girlfriend talking to her ex (or any other dude) confront her about it. Don't do it in a jealous way. Be calm, cool, and in control. All you are trying to do is set some boundaries and get your point across.

Something like this for the ex:

You: "It kinda seems like you are still hung up on your ex."
Her: "Oh, we're just friends."
You: "Hey, listen, you seem really great and I'm really enjoying spending time with you. I think what we have so far is amazing and I'd really like to pursue it further.....but if you're still hanging on to things with your ex then I'm not going to waste my time with any of this."
Her: "There's nothing going on, we're just friends."
You: "Well that's great, but I just want you to know that I'm not going to waste my time."

Something like this for other dudes trying to game your girl:

You: "So, who is that guy?"
Her: "Oh, we're just friends."
You: "Hey, listen, you seem really great and I'm really enjoying spending time with you. I think what we have so far is amazing and I'd really like to pursue it further.....but if you're still wanting to act single with other guys then I'm not going to waste my time"
Her: "There's nothing going on, we're just friends."
You: "Well that's great, but I just want you to know that I'm not going to waste my time."


Now this is her moment to make you feel right about the situation. Ideally she will "show" you rather than just "tell" you.

What you have done is sent her a message that you will take away your attention from her if things continue on this path. It is basically an ultimatum without coming out and actually saying it.

Now back in my early 20's I would not have had the balls to say some thing like this. However, once I got a bit older I pretty much used these lines on every single girlfriend I had. In every case she would eventually "wise up" and stop all the BS with other dudes/exes, etc. If she tried to test me with it, I would pull back immediately and basically eject from the relationship. When she would question me I would respond with "I'm not wasting my time." She will once again claim they are "just friends" and I would counter with "That's great, I've got lots of other girlfriends I can hang with too. If that's the direction this relationship is going then I'm OK with that. We'll have to see how that works out. "

Once again you are making a point. If you are going to be exclusive with her then demand the same behaviour in return. If she won't comply then the "exclusive" part of your relationship doesn't exist. Feel free to play away and do NOT be afraid to let her know that's how you feel.

This has to be done early because this is about respect. You can't let her get away with BS (ie disrespect you) and then try and demand respect later. It just doesn't work that way.

The moment you start demanding this type of respect (from the start) your relationships with women will forever change.

I will take it a step further. I don't even bother saying it. If it's a woman and she isnt' over her ex im not going to say anything i'm just going to keep dating other women.

I have found that women instinctively, for all intents and purposes, know how to act right. you don't' have to tell them to. when you have to tell a woman to do something it's too late or she really doesn't want to.

while we were out playing baseball and basketball they were playing house and f'ing up cookies in the ez bake oven. I promise you they nkow how to act like a GF when they really want to. most of them at least. even some of the sluttiest girls you have ever seen can play house and be tied down for a while if they are into you enough.

if she doesn't like you enough to shape up on her own than she isn't' LtR material

i dated a girl in HS, right at the end of my senior year, we worked together, and she smoked cigs. I have to this day never touched one in my life. she followed me around like a nat, and I cracked on her about her cigs and i mentioned I would never date a girl that smoked cigs that it was disusting.

never saw her with another one in her mouth again.

 

[IamJosan]

Good thing you didn't accuse her of anything OP. Don't let your emotions get the best of you, and don't ever resort to ultimatums because they rarely work and they can make things worse.

 

[drak_ool]

My current girlfriend of 4 months is in quite a bit of communication with her ex-bf from 2 years ago and she claims they are strictly friends.

so many things wrong here, and it's just the first sentence... How long have you known this girl before she became your gf? I suspect you've only known her for 4 months and now you are exclusive with her, usually way to early to jump into a relationship.

I never bought into the whole "we're just friends now" thing. I don't care what other guys on here tell you, your gf should not be in touch with any guys from her past who've put their d.icks inside of her. Not ex bfs, not ex fvck buddies, no ex one night stands, not nothing. It's not even something you need to tell her, it's something she needs to understand on her own.

If she does talk to them, that's ok too, just don't become exclusive with her, as she is not exclusive with you: she's at least cheating emotionally, if not physically, and one leads to another quite often, it's a slippery slope...

 

[spartanfan]

Run and Hide

I 2nd Alex from pg 1 of the post. I mean really the girl sounds like a desperate stalker that certainly has more plates spinning then probably the OP. Running from this female is the best option unless you want more drama from this so called "relationship".

Best of luck!! :kick:

 

[Tiguere]

its a troll post.

 

[garruk]

It may be legitimate. They may be "just friends". She may be f*cking him right now. She may have no attraction to him right now but something could spark again in the future. But you will never know 100%.

Point is you will always wonder about this and it will get worse. Anytime something shady happens you will wonder about this. Anytime she gets mad at you for something (were you checking out that girl!?) you will think of this and get angry. I was in this position myself. I finally grew some balls and ended the relationship a little over a week ago.. I cannot explain how much better I feel already, like a massive load of stress off my shoulders.Yeah, it hurts to not see her anymore and it's hard. Yeah I want to believe it's legit (I do believe so) but the doubt in my mind became too much. I know I made the right decision.

If you're going to be exclusive with a woman SHE should not be giving you ANY doubts about her character, integrity for faithfulness. I know it's hard because you like the girl but just think, why would you want to be with a girl who is giving you doubts when you could be with a girl who doesn't need to be in contact with any of her ex's.

honestly i love this. ive stuck around way too many relationships that simply had no future because i let little things like this slide in the beginning.

sometimes you just gotta cut ties, even if you still like the girl and its not that big a deal.. its better for both of you (especially you) in the long run.

took me a long time to realize this. much easier said than done though.

 

[spartanfan]

Troll Post huh what do I look like a Troll... haha I have to admit it was amusing reading this little drama but I was really just trying to help ok... sheesh talk about sensitive.

 

[change11]

Update: Guys I have an update for you. This may be a good lesson on when not to jump to conclusions. Basically, the reason I assumed she logged on her ex's Facebook was when I double clicked the Email textbox, it suggested his e-mail address. I browse some cache settings and noticed Netflix, Hulu, and Pandora was used as well. I went to each of those sites ... and she was using her ex's Netflix account to watch some TV shows because his account was still signed in.

I signed out of that account and it auto-populated his e-mail address on Netflix. It also had the same suggested values in it as the Facebook. I came to the conclusion that she did not log in his Facebook after all.

Great thing I didn't automatically accuse her an start a conflict.

Man, do what you want to do, regardless of what happens it will at least be good experience and you will (hopefully) learn from it.

This sounds to me like you're trying to justify it. I'm not insulting you, I did same thing for a long time. Someone responded to a post of mine a while back and he really hit the nail on the head. It's SO easy to try and find reasons to salvage what (you think) you have. It's SO easy to try to find ways to justify it. This will be the theme throughout your entire relationship. That is NO relationship. Though maybe you need to go through it to learn from it? Things will happen that will seem shady and you will exhaust yourself trying to convince yourself that it's legit, ok, whatever. It'll run you into the f*cking ground. And the reality is this relationship will end at some point, maybe horribly hopefully peacefully. How long are you going to play this game for?

honestly i love this. ive stuck around way too many relationships that simply had no future because i let little things like this slide in the beginning.

Exactly. It's hard not to do this though. Maybe for guys who really do have lots of options and have no problems getting more they wouldn't have a problem doing this. But let's be honest, the majority of men don't have all these options. So when they have a girl around they want to keep her around. Even when deep down they know it won't work they still want to hold on. I'm realizing all of this about myself now and how I "held on" for, probably 6-8 months longer than I should have because I knew inside this wasn't going to work. But after being with the girl for so long it was really hard to end it.

The "laying down of the law" has to be done early, before issues like this creep in

How?

Say you're with a girl and you agree to be exclusive. You could say "Alright, I'll commit. But I have no tolerance for any communication with past lovers. If it happens, I'm gone". If she is in contact with any other guys, and you say this to her, she's gonna make damn sure that you never find out.

Or, what if (like in my case) you don't find out for a long time? ****, I didn't find out until almost a year into the relationship! I guess the mistake I made was assuming she knew what was acceptable and what was not.

You can ask her from the start, but I don't know.

but I perceive that there is a real stigma in the early twenties crowd about coming off as "jealous".

I'm 22, I'll add my age. But yes, this is one of the worst things about women at this age. The double standards are un-f*cking believable. With my ex-girlfriend, the examples are so bad. Trying to laugh at them now.

I remember hanging out with my ex and her friends. One of her female friends and I were going outside to smoke (no on else smoked). I was chatting with her friend "Hey how long have you know each other? You in school? What do you for work?". Just general chit-chat getting to know her friend. Couple days later my ex gets mad at me. "What did you have the hots for my friend? You wanna get with my friend?" Yikes. Then a year later I find out about her old friend. Lol, I'm getting so angry just typing this! And after I "layed down the law" all her friends tried to flip it on me. They called me an *******, jealous, controlling, insecure, etc. Funny thing is, if the tables were turned and it was me and a girl it would be a completely different story. Argh, gotta have a smoke, this **** makes me so ****ing angry thinking about it.


Guys, I know it's hard but save yourself. Just walk away right away. It's never going to work out for. You'll just end up like me, exhausting all my mental strength trying to justify/reason this **** out when the only way to deal with it is to walk away!!! I finally walked away and feel 100x better!

 

[omgwtfm8]

Attention wh0re/Histrionic personality disorder alert

Yup, indeed. Histrionic is written all over her. Good for the short term, which I am okay with.

 

[xdreamz]

i'd say well done. u found urself a villain.

 

[omgwtfm8]

I used to tell myself that too so I could sleep at night...:kick:

Not to be an ass but you said GF of 4 months. And "not exclusive on facebook" lol. Not that that would stop her, never stopped mine. These women are EXTREMELY intoxicating, beware. There's nothing like them, not even BPD's which are emotionally intoxicating but dont have that incredibly fun personality. I don't think its possible to "spin plates" because no one can really compare to these women unless you have the time and distance necessary to unravel what frauds they really are.

WAT, haha, I just got out of a 3 year relationship with a BPD where I was in total control and ended it because I got bored. You are saying HPD are tougher?

I also might be HPD or Narcisstic myself, I'm not too sure though.

Edit: She's also 3 years older. I find all of this interesting and will drop her like it's hot which I am sure she's not used to, but for now, we party and are wild together which is very exciting.

 

[Aaron B]

its an absolute dealbreaker for me

i would dump a woman that treated me in that fashion

if you tolerate disrespect, its the same as disrespecting yourself

i'm a very direct person and i would probably just tell her something like "look, you can do what you want. but there's no way i'm going to be in an exclusive relationship with someone who thinks its okay to do what you are doing"

i wouldn't argue with her response. she's entitled to respond however she likes. but i wouldn't budge from my stance on the matter.

i would probably finish up with something like "hey we can hang out and have fun. but i'm going to see other girls as well as you. you aren't acting like a woman in an exclusive relationship"

edit: before i forget, i also don't allow other people to use my computer. technology is ridiculously cheap. if i go somewhere and need my computer, i take it with me. i don't want other people on it screwing around and installing stupid programs or they try to go to yahoo mail and it goes to mine because i stay logged in. this includes my wife. she's not a computer user so if she decides to become one we will get her a comp of her own. until then stay off my computer. i don't worry about feeling guilty or thinking they think i'm trying to hide something. i've got lots of personal stuff on my computer and its none of your damn business

 

[betheman]

if this were me?

there is the door, you have 5 minutes to walk through it and take your sh1t with you or you can exit.....somewhat undignified!!!

 

[Atom Smasher]

How?

Say you're with a girl and you agree to be exclusive. You could say "Alright, I'll commit. But I have no tolerance for any communication with past lovers. If it happens, I'm gone". If she is in contact with any other guys, and you say this to her, she's gonna make damn sure that you never find out.

See Slickster's post above. He nailed it.

 

[ArcBound]

I have no idea how old some of you guys are (which is why we should be posting our age in our profiles), but I perceive that there is a real stigma in the early twenties crowd about coming off as "jealous". This is a scarlet letter that women and our feminized society-at-large seem to hang over your heads.

Unfortunately you are right Atom Smasher, there is a real stigma, because women can use it very easily against men. You tell them you are uncomfortable with them being in a certain situation with men and they can always use this so called Jealousy Card on you and try to make you out as the emotionally unstable and unreasonable one. It's pretty much a standard sh!t test nowadays.

 

[Groblin]

someone actually did this to me in real life

You let a dude have sex with you and then make you call your ex during the act?! :nervous: :nervous: :nervous:

 

[omgwtfm8]

I broke up with her last night after she came over to my place drunk and lied about who she was with. (She was with a dude dude that is wealthier than me and older that has been stalking me, who is in love with her).

Since i've been with her there has been 3 dudes and 1 girl who has literally confessed love to her through messaging (e-mail or text).

She has a lot of histrionic traits.
I took me 6 hours to break up with her as she would not leave, stripped naked and forced her self on me. She would not let go of me and was literally tackling me to the ground. I have scapes on my arms and a hickey.

It was quite interesting, but I feel relived that I was totally in control of this situation and broke up with her on good timing (6 months, which i hear is typically for most HPD's).

 

[Atom Smasher]

A close shave.

So what are you going to do when she starts blowing up your phone?