New GF seemed to good to be true.... than...

[RepM]

Hi guys,

The last past months i've spinning different plates a LOT.
One plate seemed really too good to be true. I treated her the same as the rest though.

She is a HB 8,5 (at least) and has a very nice character. Nice friends, good job, no kids, 33 yrs old, no known issues etc. I decided 3 weeks ago that she deserved to be my GF.
She wanted that weeks earlier, but I needed more time to QF her.

I dont really care for her history regarding guys. I dont need to know that.
She did mentioned that she had dated a married man for almost 2 yrs (2005-2007). He stayed with his wife and she was eventually finished with him and quitted the 'relation'. She told me spontanious that she mentioned me, when she talked to him a few weeks ago by phone. I was amazed to say the least... Btw I banged two married woman in the past and decided not to do that anymore. Im no saint.

I mean: He used her for yrs, said he would leave his wife (of course he didnt) she was quite upset and felt badly used. WHY for the love of GOD, would she occassionly have telephone contact with him? That seems crazy to me. I know that I'm no woman, but I can't figure that out.

She told me that she won't ever ever get back to him and she wanted to stay forever with me. She has no feelings for him in any way. And im the (far) better man. I didnt ask her for those statements, and I believe that she has no interest in him. Mainly because I'm the better catch. She told me that if that issue ever got between us she would remove him instantly. And she thanked me for 'opening her eyes'. She had one long relationship (7yrs) and she ended that relationship because she has a (crazy) jealous BF. He tried to forbid her things and checked everything. Eventually she couldnt handle that anymore and she left him. She said:" of course I would end contact me him if you want that but what's next......" I can relate to that.

I told her that:' she must do (about contacting him occasionally) the right thing and decide for herself' I think her action will speak louder if she does it, because SHE wanted to do it.

In the back of my mind I consider this a red flag though. What do you guys think?

 

[KarmaSutra]

You pick up the phone and re-bang one of those hand-me-down broads from before.

You don't owe her a goddamned thing.

 

[Colossus]

I would think the bigger red flag is the fact she was in a "relationship" with a married man for 2 years. This tells you she has weak boundaries. She sounds highly interested in you, and probably unlikely to cheat, but her character sounds loose. Just my opinion though....if it doesnt bother you then march on.

 

[RepM]

Thanks for the replies!

Just wanted to point out I'm really considering dropping this plate. I agree her with you her IL is skyhigh though. I the past year I dropped several good (but not good enough plates) because of red flags and didnt looked back. Some tried to contact me, I wasnt interested anymore (besides occ. sex)

I also agree that she HAD (still has?) weak boundaries. She said she would never ever date a married man again. And she learned a lot. I believe that she really believes that, but on the other hand those are just words. It's logical to say that. She actually has set some boundaries that she wouldnt ever date a jealous controlling man ever again. The second one is that she wouldnt ever date a married man.

The fact that she is a single 33 yrs old. Is that she ended her relationship at 29 and the one with the married man at age 31. At that point she was not really interested anymore in a relationship. I can relate to that. Now she is really into me.
She actually has set some boundaries that she wouldnt ever date a jealous controlling man ever again.

The point remains that I cant approve that she has contact with an ex man (that she couldnt have). She has to cut it off or I'm pretty sure I drop her.
Deep inside I believe that a true & genuine DJ wouldnt care if his woman was calling with some ex man because he knows:" He is the Prize".
I'm not that far. I see it partly like that and a part as a sign of disrespect (for me and for herself)

Im going on a holiday with 4 friends for 10 days. Skiing in Italy and I give it some thought. I'll consider spinning some woman there to create a clearer view. She said she would me miss me like hell and she counting the days. I hope she uses her time wisely and cuts the ex...

 

[Colossus]

^cosign

Being "the prize" is all good and well, but you have to set boundaries. It is up to the girl if she wants to cross them or not. Dont even tell her what the consequences will be, because then it becomes an ultimatum.

You sound like you have a good DJ head on your shoulders RepM, so I think you'll do fine. At the end of the day you have to take your own counsel. Personally, when it comes to ex-bfs, I make MY boundaries very clear within the first month of seeing a girl. Again, it is up to her to abide by them. If she doesnt, I decide to end it or pull back in some way depending on the severity of the offense. This is the ONLY way to win with regards to other men in her life, because no matter what people tell themselves, they have very little real control over what their significant other does. You have to be autonomous in this respect and let them make their own decisions.

 

[backbreaker]

I am 100000% sure this will not end well. She just sounds stupid.

 

[jophil28]

More often than not, when your girl is friends with a man, one of them wants to sleep with the other. Calling yourself "trusting" or "the prize" is just a lame justification for allowing questionable behavior at best and downright violating behavior at worst. Do not turn your desire of being with her into an easy pass for her to keep other men around.

This is golden advice ^.

IT should be quoted in "Beta Busting for Dummies"

 

[jophil28]

Being "the prize" is all good and well, but you have to set boundaries. It is up to the girl if she wants to cross them or not. Dont even tell her what the consequences will be, because then it becomes an ultimatum.

Words to live by.

 

[DMSR76]

A chick that old (with that kind of baggage to boot) is never worth the risk. There's a damn good reason why an attractive women gets to that age with no ring in sight.

High interest can be tempting, but she's shown you plenty of flags that have obviously given you pause. You should qualify the hell out of this chick if you're seriously considering taking this risk.

 

[st_99]

Maybe I'm a little old fashioned but any chick that "dates" a married man for 2 YEARS is a f*ck toy at best not to be taken seriously. This girl seems like a child to me. A ticking time bomb. I could be wrong.

 

[sodbuster]

Believe what you want. I have a "friend" who cheated on her husband with her Boyfriend,cheated on her Boyfriend with me. Had alot of texts from???? when we were "friends with benefits",moved in with a guy a MONTH after deciding she wanted a live in,BUT; if she's mad at her live in, will still text me and come over for "benefits" every couple months.
She invited me over to her Boyfriends Birthday party,her ex husband was there, her current BF was there and I was there..... we've all banged her,but she tells them BOTH we are just friends.

NEVER let them keep an ex in their life[unless they have kids together].

 

[backbreaker]

This is golden advice ^.

IT should be quoted in "Beta Busting for Dummies"

I somewhat disagree.

I am smart enough to recognize it for what it is, but how does you understanding the dynamic of why the guy is "seriously friends" with this girl change anything at all?

I have been on both sides of the equation. When I came here to this site,I was a guy trying to get a girl, that I had no chance with at the time. Even though I wanted to **** her brains out, the guy tolerated me because in retrospect, I was harmless, and he knew it, she knew it. NOthing was going to happen. hell if anything I made his life easier, i picked her up from school everyday lol and talked to her when he was busy. Then I let him "clean up"

I've only had 2 what I would call seroius relationshipos as an adult and in both cases, they both have had male friends, that I understood the dynamic of why the guys were really friends with them, and I also knew that they had no chance, so I had no problem with them. I remember about 3 months into our relationshipo my now fiancee asked me do I mind her friends that are guys calling her from time to time, you know when you meet someone there is a transition period so to speak, where a girl meets someone she thinks is serious, but yet hasn't just told all her old guy frineds to get lost. you know what I mean, anyway I told her not only did I not have a problem wsith it, I broke down exactly why they were friends with her, and she agreed. Also agreed nothing was going to happen. By the about, 4 month mark in our relationship the guy friends just started disappearing.

Then, on the other hand, I have had women, who, my GF knew, good and damn well, what they wanted, one in particular. however, the girl was actually of some real benefit to me, so she didn't say a peep about it, and she knew nothing was goipng to happen. The girl was harmless. I did not want her. She didnt' think of herself as harmless but she was. There is nothing she could have done, in her power that would have made me want her that way, although she was quite attractive I just was not on the market. But, make no mistake, it..it's kinda like, she really did bring some **** to the table to help me with my AA/NA stuff, like seriously, bull**** aside. But, I also know, that the **** she did for me, was not out of the ucking goodness of her heart. The picking me up on the way to meetings at ****ing 5:30 in the morning lol, even though I have 3 cars, but she is only the way and doesn't mind picking me up.. hell it's not even on the way truth be told, the phone calls, the texts, the restaurants, the gym, all the time she spent with me, was not out of the goodness of hear heart. She was putting in work. It did not take me long to recognize this, she would get pissy when I brought my GF to meetings or did not want to go out to eat or something with her, or when I had somehting to do with my GF. So, I would be lying if I said I did not let her think what she wanted to think.. well maybe that came off ass harsh, but, it's a trade off. She thought she was earning cool points with me and offering me something that my GF could not, but in turn, I got some real beneficial **** from her.

The dynamic of me knowing why it happened, doesn't change the fact more or less, that nothing was going to happen. That's a silly concept. That's like saying, I know I watch fox news, because I like staring at megyn kelly's legs, so now that I know why I watch I'm not going to watch fox news.

 

[backbreaker]

just agree to disagree. A woman who is interested in me is not interested in hanging out with guys she wants to ****.

and it's alot more gray than it is black in white. when I was "harmless" i was more successful than her boyfriend (my oneitis) would ever be. I had my own business and it had just took off, I drove a lexus, had my own apartment, was in shape, had **** going on. i was still quite harmless. She just didn't see me "like that". You can view my post history before you registered, from about 2004 to 2005, there was a time I had every toy I could want at the time, and I had assumed that she would just jump over to me because I had money lol, wrong. Actually thought me a very valuable lesson about the opposite sex.

Again people have this need to want things to be right and wrong, black and white and it never is. When I was in AA and I met amanda (The chick above that was after me), what is my GF going to tell me i can't hang out with other AA members, she can suck it. she knew better than to come at me like that. She was just going to have to trust that I was going to be faithful. It did not matter what the girls intent was, it matters what my intent is.

Speaking of AA, there is a very good passage in I how it works, when when talking about sex, the jist of it is, you break each situation down to figure out what the intent of your sex was. I think that applies to this situation. The intent of me being friends with amanda, was not to have sex, it was to make my AA network stronger.If she was attracted to me that was her problem not mine.

If I would have met a chick at starbucks, and I just wanted top start hanging out with her in spite of being in a committed relationship, that's a different story. If my GF has friends that she knew before me, I don't feel it's my place to tell her to get rid of them. I do feel however, that there comes a time, that they need to have being gotten rid of or just naturally fall off. If you are dating a girl and a year later she still has the same male friends, something isn't right. But you can't go into a 3 week relationship and expect her to cut ties with every guy she knows, that's just not realistic. When i dated amber, she had just got out of a relaitoship of 6 years, I'd be lying if I said I liked it, but I put up with her staying in contact with her ex, simply becuase they dated since she was 19, and she was 26. I could understand not wanting ot just cut off completely. But by 3 months into our relationship he was 100% out of the picture.

If my GF goes and meets a random guy, AFTER we started dating and she strikes up a "friendship", outside of a working relationship or AA or something like that, I don't see it being positive intentions. My Gf's hairdresser tried to befriend her about a year ago. She met up with him for lunch a few times, thinking he was just being friendly, but the second he gave her the "a woman should be able to have male friends outside the relationship", "why should your BF be jealous" bit, she went and found a new hairdresser.

 

[Julius_Seizeher]

Plus the hairdresser was obviously gay.

 

[backbreaker]

no he wanted to **** her i'm quite sure.

 

[zekko]

Consider a situation where you let her hang out with one of the "guy friends" because you know he is a loser. What do you tell her when she wants to hang out with a guy that is a winner

Yeah, that's where the problem is. She may be hanging out with some guy who is no threat now (even though he probably still wants in her pants), but by giving it the green light you've set the frame that she can hang out with male friends whenever she likes. Now when she meets that hot guy who knows what he's doing, there's no incentive for her to turn him down.

A woman who is interested in me is not interested in hanging out with guys she wants to ****.

The problem is women are being conditioned to believe it is their right to hang out with whomever they want to, as long as they put the "friend" label on the guy. Of course if they get drunk and end up hooking up, then that's something that "just happened".

Of course, women DO have the right to hang out with whomever they want. They just have to realize actions may have consequences.

 

[betterthandead]

Of course it's never true. I usually am cautious around women that are "attractive" but still single in her late 20s-early 30s. There must be a reason why they aren't married and if they're not rich/famous/celebrity then there must be a darker reason.

For the men out there wondering "Man, where are the good women" Trust me, there rarely are genuinely nice women. The real nice ones tend to be average or slightly below it who aren't harassed because of their good looks or don't have a closet of dangling skeletons because the women themselves made bad choices. Usually your gut will tell you "Hmm, something's wrong with this lady" and go with it. Far too often I never listen to it till much later when more emotions have been locked in.

 

[backbreaker]

most people are what I call conditionally "nice". They are very nice when they think you can do something for them. I remember when I was broke and young, I would be very outgoing and people would look at me like I shot their cat with a missile launcher or something.

 

[jophil28]

The problem is women are being conditioned to believe it is their right to hang out with whomever they want to, as long as they put the "friend" label on the guy. Of course if they get drunk and end up hooking up, then that's something that "just happened".

Of course, women DO have the right to hang out with whomever they want. They just have to realize actions may have consequences.

Good point.
And therefore I think that we need to set up a clear line of demarcation.

I do not go out with women who "multi-date".
Whether they refer to the other guys as "dates" or "friends" matters little to me. Fact is, she is choosing to go out on night dates with guys who would F her if she gave the signal.

How,and when, to apply this is open to debate.
I had a g/f once who played tennis with a male "partner" every Wednesday night. and had done so for a few years before I met her. She was home by 9pm. That was OK with me.
However she also continued to go to dinner parties at one of her girls' houses.
Her girl often invited a spare male from her social circle to be my g'f's escort at these dinners.
That was not OK with me ,so I said little but started dating other women and was often unavailable to her on weekends.
Of course, my g/f was outraged ( double standards are beloved by women) .
The relationship failed with her because she believed that she was entitled to do whatever she pleased because she was very attractive and nobody had ever said NO to her. She believed that it was her right to see whomever she wanted as long as she wrapped it up in some innocent sounding explanation.

 

[jophil28]

Dupe post.