SherslothSlowmes
New Member
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2014
- Messages
- 1
- Reaction score
- 0
(So sorry for the long post!)
I don’t know what to feel. It’s conflicting to say the least. Today was my first day of High School as a freshman, and it wasn’t horrible or terrifying or even scarring. But I’m not quite sure if I can call it good. I don’t want to talk too much about the specifics of this day for it is much too dull to recount every little thing. There was only really only one thing that struck me. There is this boy I’d known since 6th grade. Though we weren’t really close, I found myself unconsciously obsessing over him. I told myself I didn’t like him like that, I couldn’t like him like that. But by 7th grade I just accepted the fact I had it bad and memorized his schedule. Frighteningly stalker like I know, but I was younger and didn’t give much of a damn. Then I moved and changed myself and soon became excited for High School for the chance to see this boy again and, with my newfound confidence, I could finally approach him. I am such a child. I had multiple fantasies leading up to the day of us seeing each other, him looking at me, me introducing myself and us becoming the best of friends until he eventually asked me to go out with him and we had charmingly witty conversations in between. But it was all for naught because a girl, someone who I used to consider my best friend, someone who cut contact with me in the middle of 6th grade, someone who took a girl I was probably in love with to be her new best friend, she was with him. I think they’re together, no. I know they’re together. It was obvious and I should’ve realized what a darling couple they would’ve made before. I don’t know what happened while I was gone, but obviously a lot has changed. I’m not angry. I’m perhaps quite a bit envious of them both. But I know I lost my chance while I had it and I blame myself completely for not going after my own happiness. I hope those two are happy. From here on out I’m going to pledge to myself to stop looking for this guy in a crowd (though he’s really simple to find) and to stop invading his privacy. I have no right. I’m just confused about my feelings though, so very conflicted. I cried. I talked to inanimate objects (spilled my guts to them more like). I feel very pathetic. I hope I get over this someday. I just want a happy life. I want witty conversations, good music and people I can talk to about serious things and not find horribly annoying. I feel like I’ll never find this. It seems and feels so far away. I want to forget this and become a friendly, welcoming, funny and social person. I will do this. To prove to myself I’m not as pathetic as my younger self, even if it’s only just a bit. But nobody likes me like I like them and it’s destroying me inside. I can see myself eating lunch alone because I am just that kind of weird kid. I’ve always been that kind of weird kid. I hate it but that’s my life. I’m going to try to get past these four years with as little damage as possible (though there will be some). There will be pain and anxiety. I see it and remember it. I’ll update you on tomorrow.
TL;DR - I've been practically in love with this guy since 6th grade and then I moved and the first day of high school I see he's dating my ex-best friend who abandoned me in the middle of 6th grade. I'm not angry, I know I don't have the right because I had moved away in 8th grade and I wasn't there. I'm just maybe 10% jealous and 90% some other indescribable emotion.
I just want some advice on how to deal with this... I won't let this dampen my freshman year though, but I feel so pathetic right now...
I don’t know what to feel. It’s conflicting to say the least. Today was my first day of High School as a freshman, and it wasn’t horrible or terrifying or even scarring. But I’m not quite sure if I can call it good. I don’t want to talk too much about the specifics of this day for it is much too dull to recount every little thing. There was only really only one thing that struck me. There is this boy I’d known since 6th grade. Though we weren’t really close, I found myself unconsciously obsessing over him. I told myself I didn’t like him like that, I couldn’t like him like that. But by 7th grade I just accepted the fact I had it bad and memorized his schedule. Frighteningly stalker like I know, but I was younger and didn’t give much of a damn. Then I moved and changed myself and soon became excited for High School for the chance to see this boy again and, with my newfound confidence, I could finally approach him. I am such a child. I had multiple fantasies leading up to the day of us seeing each other, him looking at me, me introducing myself and us becoming the best of friends until he eventually asked me to go out with him and we had charmingly witty conversations in between. But it was all for naught because a girl, someone who I used to consider my best friend, someone who cut contact with me in the middle of 6th grade, someone who took a girl I was probably in love with to be her new best friend, she was with him. I think they’re together, no. I know they’re together. It was obvious and I should’ve realized what a darling couple they would’ve made before. I don’t know what happened while I was gone, but obviously a lot has changed. I’m not angry. I’m perhaps quite a bit envious of them both. But I know I lost my chance while I had it and I blame myself completely for not going after my own happiness. I hope those two are happy. From here on out I’m going to pledge to myself to stop looking for this guy in a crowd (though he’s really simple to find) and to stop invading his privacy. I have no right. I’m just confused about my feelings though, so very conflicted. I cried. I talked to inanimate objects (spilled my guts to them more like). I feel very pathetic. I hope I get over this someday. I just want a happy life. I want witty conversations, good music and people I can talk to about serious things and not find horribly annoying. I feel like I’ll never find this. It seems and feels so far away. I want to forget this and become a friendly, welcoming, funny and social person. I will do this. To prove to myself I’m not as pathetic as my younger self, even if it’s only just a bit. But nobody likes me like I like them and it’s destroying me inside. I can see myself eating lunch alone because I am just that kind of weird kid. I’ve always been that kind of weird kid. I hate it but that’s my life. I’m going to try to get past these four years with as little damage as possible (though there will be some). There will be pain and anxiety. I see it and remember it. I’ll update you on tomorrow.
TL;DR - I've been practically in love with this guy since 6th grade and then I moved and the first day of high school I see he's dating my ex-best friend who abandoned me in the middle of 6th grade. I'm not angry, I know I don't have the right because I had moved away in 8th grade and I wasn't there. I'm just maybe 10% jealous and 90% some other indescribable emotion.
I just want some advice on how to deal with this... I won't let this dampen my freshman year though, but I feel so pathetic right now...
