Needing space

[happyman2012]

Been with my girlfriend about 5 months now. Everything is good!

She is stunning, really nice girl, great girlfriend e.t.c.

BUT when ive been with her a few days (maybe 3 or 4 with no time apart) I find myself getting distant, quiet, annoyed by little things, lack of sex drive....I feel I need my space.

First of all, is this normal?
Second of all, is there anything I can do BEFORE i start feeling like this, to avoid feeling like it

I do feel its normal because everyone needs some level of space. After a few days of time apart I feel fine again.

My girlfriend is the total opposite of me. She never needs any space away from me, loves spending every minute of the day with me, always texts me when we are apart, is really affectionate e.t.c.

I really appriciate how much she thinks of me and she is a very loving girlfriend, but I think she needs to have abit of self control and let me come to her sometimes. Afterall, dosent matter how great a girl is, if its too easy and you dont have to work for it what so ever...it gets stale...and boring. I have discussed this with her and she understands, but says she finds it hard not to text me and be how she naturally is. She is quite insecure too, so I think that has a role to play.

I have a feeling that my natural need for space + spending too much time together + her always being the one to text first, always hugging me, always kissing me e.t.c is causing me to need my space alot more than I normally would.

Any thoughts on how I could get this situation better?
Thanks!!

 

[jeffreylebowski]

This isn't exactly a really bad problem to have, you know. I mean, if you're into her, and she's that into you, good things.

When it might become a problem is when/if she starts becoming jealous of your time or suspicious or starts giving you a hard time about the amount of attention you pay to her. It's funny...reading this post it sounds like something a girl might say if her boyfriend started getting clingy.

In my experience, talking to her about it is only going to make her more insecure because she'll then wonder if she's contacting you too much or whatever...and it could get into a situation where you're both just playing games with each other.

First task always...be honest with yourself, about your interest level, and where you see this going.

 

[TheException]

First of all, is this normal?

Sure is.

Second of all, is there anything I can do BEFORE i start feeling like this, to avoid feeling like it

No.

She never needs any space away from me, loves spending every minute of the day with me, always texts me when we are apart, is really affectionate e.t.c.

This is why you feel the way you do^

Humans always want what they cant have. Shes so into you that its technically good for the relationship from the guys perspective because it means you will get her loyalty, sex whenever you want, affection, etc. HOWEVER, its just the paradox of relationships, albeit on a smaller scale. When Im not exclusive with anyone...i crave to find a girl good enough to be exclusive with. As soon as i go exclusive with a girl and time passes....i now crave variety and different women. Its a problem that I have not found a logical answer to yet. I just accept that I wont feel awesome 100% of the time. Theres a difference between being BORED AND UNHAPPY in a relationship and CRAVING TO BE SINGLE AND WANTING TO BANG OTHER WOMEN.

 

[happyman2012]

thanks for the replys so far!

I dont feel like im bored with her or the relationship, and i dont really wanna go and bang other birds. Our sex is good our relationship is good.

I think it might be a case of spending a little less time together and asking her to have abit more self control.
She has said before that she feels like if she dosent hug kiss text me first then she wont get any of it at all off me...which is totally untrue. I feel she is insecure and shes said the same before.

Once ive spent a day or two away from her after spending time together i feel fine again. I think i need to be able to MISS HER...wonder what shes doing e.t.c

 

[mikey2012]

Dump her. Best is over

 

[happyman2012]

lol I dont want to dump her. Shes a brilliant girl definetly... girlfriend material.
Its bascially my need for space thats the only "PROBLEM"

once ive had it im fine and things are back to normal.

my gut instinct is telling me that we need to spend less time together and her to ease up on ALWAYS being the first to get in touch.

I think there should always be abit of a void/space in the relationship.

One person fills it sometimes (by giving the affection and initiating things first)
then they back off abit (create the void)
then the other one looks to fill that void (by giving the affection and initiating things first) then it continues like that.
NOT playing games...but attraction and being able to miss someone.
But when one person constnatly fills that void and always initiates stuff...then the other person is never able to miss not having it and seeking it out.

So really looking for a few different opinions on what I can do or say to make things a little better

 

[hockeyfreak79]

This is a tricky situation man, I just went through the same scenario. I needed space to miss her too! Don't over analyze this though. I was too confident in our relationship, she was really insecure. We'd spend long weekends together and I would just be drained emotionally. That's when she started playin stupid games, I should have ended it then.

I'm not saying this is the case but they will sabotage the relationship based off their own insecurities. My ex was a Jedi Knight at masking her insecurities. I'm not saying your girl is high maintenance emotionally but I know for a fact my ex was. It was my first time dealing with it and man I almost kind of feel bad for her. It almost started to feel like she was doing this to control me. It was like she expected me to mirror her emotions all the time and when I didn't she started seeing it as being incompatible. So much for being yourself.

Man up and talk to her, try to boost her self-confidence?

 

[happyman2012]

yeah I get ya.

Well I told her everything last night.
I explained that the way she is makes me think she is clingy and insecure, and if it carries on she will push me away.

She totally gets it and wants to change, which is great! id rather see her secure and happy than sad when she thinks into things, or when I want some me time.

I think ive kinda worked out the problem I was having.
Its basically this:
Me needing my space + her clingy insecure behaviour and feelings + spending alot of time together constantly = me needing MORE space!

I've got to have time to myself without her being around
She has to be secure enough to trust that I WILL initiate and get in touch with her when I'm ready..
That will give me a chance to MISS her.
You cant miss something when your always around it.
and you get bored and complacent when you dont have to WORK for something.

I will just have to man up and take action. So the next time we have spent a day or two together, I'll go home rather than stop at hers.

We both have our own lives. Thats what it was like at the start so thats the way it needs to be now!

It's worse at the moment because Im currently out of work looking for a job.
Once ive got a job and she sorts the insecurity out im confident things will be alot better!

Any body else been in a situation like this?

 

[TheException]

Well I told her everything last night.
I explained that the way she is makes me think she is clingy and insecure, and if it carries on she will push me away.

Cant help but think this is a huge mistake. Remember girls are emotional creatures not logical....you should never be having "talks", thats what women do. Most likely she just heard "Im upset with how things are going and its your fault". Id make sure to sprinkle some extra rapport in right about now...

Me needing my space + her clingy insecure behaviour and feelings + spending alot of time together constantly = me needing MORE space!

I've got to have time to myself without her being around

I dont see how this is her fault. You want space? Then dont hang out with her for days in a row....be busy doing something else pal. You dont want to text her night and day....then dont, be busy doing something. This isnt even a problem to have....and your making it one with your girl pal.

So the next time we have spent a day or two together, I'll go home rather than stop at hers.

This should have been the action all along^

Absolutely ZERO need to have a "talk" with your girlfriend about it.

Thats what it was like at the start so thats the way it needs to be now!

She obviously has grown more fond of you as the relationship has progressed. The relationship is balanced the way it should be, with her liking you more than you like her. Your literally sh1tting on yourself by "opening up" and "being honest" with her.

 

[Purefilth]

OP Listen to TheException. He's steering you well.

 

[jeffreylebowski]

She isn't exhibiting bad behavior, so just roll with it. If she starts getting super jealous or passive aggressive, a different approach may be required.

I just went through something similar. I agree with Exception...having a talk with her about it when all she is doing is wanting to spend time with you and talk to you is only going to make her think that she's getting on your nerves or that you don't see this going where she sees it going...even though you think talking about it with her shows that you care.

At some point, you are going to have to decide what you want out of this long term. Security is important to women in relationships. As long as you don't lose yourself to the relationship, it's ok to make her feel like she's important to you. Don't overthink it.

 

[happyman2012]

yeah totally get it! Thanks for the replys!
At least ive realised what I need to do!
Do you think ive ****ed things up big time?

The idea of talking to her about it was because she is very insecure, and if I explained to her why I was doing what I was doing (not texting her as much, wanting some time to myself) then she wouldnt worry AS much.

I like that she is really into me...but needyness and clingyness is a turn off. Theres needs to be some balance.

I told her last night that it would be good if she could SOMETIMES let me be the one to initiate things. NO GAMES WHAT SO EVER.
Just a little bit more self control and to have faith that I WILL initiate things when im ready.

 

[jeffreylebowski]

You're fine dude, just sprinkle some more rapport as was suggested.

The worst thing you can do is start worrying if you screwed up. She obviously likes you a lot, so just stay in control, don't play games, and enjoy the relationship you have.

 

[happyman2012]

yeah well lets see what happens! shes a great girl 100% girlfriend material.

I need to man up and have my space when I want it and not spend allllll the time with her.

she needs to be more secure, trust I will come back and also to let me come to her sometimes to keep that attraction going (me being attracted to her)

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Well I told her everything last night.
I explained that the way she is makes me think she is clingy and insecure, and if it carries on she will push me away.

Can't help but think this is a huge mistake. Remember girls are emotional creatures not logical....you should never be having "talks", thats what women do. Most likely she just heard "Im upset with how things are going and its your fault". Id make sure to sprinkle some extra rapport in right about now...

I always forget that girls are emotional not logical. I will no longer advise on this forum I have too much to learn.

Absolutely ZERO need to have a "talk" with your girlfriend about it.

Is there something in the DJ book I can read about this? I understand it is a woman's job to have talks but isn't this communication not necessarily this scenario but if there is something off or an issue comes up are you saying you should just ignore it?

Solid advice for sure in previous post.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Well I told her everything last night.
I explained that the way she is makes me think she is clingy and insecure, and if it carries on she will push me away.

Cant help but think this is a huge mistake. Remember girls are emotional creatures not logical....you should never be having "talks", thats what women do. Most likely she just heard "Im upset with how things are going and its your fault". Id make sure to sprinkle some extra rapport in right about now...

Me needing my space + her clingy insecure behaviour and feelings + spending alot of time together constantly = me needing MORE space!

I've got to have time to myself without her being around

I dont see how this is her fault. You want space? Then dont hang out with her for days in a row....be busy doing something else pal. You dont want to text her night and day....then dont, be busy doing something. This isnt even a problem to have....and your making it one with your girl pal.

So the next time we have spent a day or two together, I'll go home rather than stop at hers.

This should have been the action all along^

Absolutely ZERO need to have a "talk" with your girlfriend about it.

Thats what it was like at the start so thats the way it needs to be now!

She obviously has grown more fond of you as the relationship has progressed. The relationship is balanced the way it should be, with her liking you more than you like her. Your literally sh1tting on yourself by "opening up" and "being honest" with her.

34 years old and still forget girls are emotional not logical. I will no longer advise on this forum I have too much to learn.

Absolutely ZERO need to have a "talk" with your girlfriend about it.

Is there something in the DJ book I can read about this? I understand it is a woman's job to have talks but isn't this communication? Not necessarily this scenario but if there is something off or an issue comes up are you saying you should just ignore it? I do get where you are coming from if we start B8tchin all they hear is I'm pissed off right now and it's your fault.

Solid advice for sure in previous post.

 

[TheException]

Absolutely ZERO need to have a "talk" with your girlfriend about it.

Is there something in the DJ book I can read about this?

Check your inbox. I sent some presents to you.

 

[happyman2012]

Absolutely ZERO need to have a "talk" with your girlfriend about it.

Is there something in the DJ book I can read about this?

Check your inbox. I sent some presents to you.

can you send me the same presents please!?