I have been dating a professional women, who came from a broken home in which she did not speak to her father for over 20 years. She was married for 9, has a couple of kids. We dated for almost 2 years. I got into the relationship knowing that she had some issues with men, and she told me up front that there was some past issues with trust. She also told me that she was not looking for anything serious. Well we had sex after the 2nd date. I know that after we breakup with women we tend to look back and thank that they are sluts because we hit it so fast. She tried to keep things public but on the low as far as telling everyone we were dating. After a period of time that changed, and we pretty much went everywhere together publicly so everyone knew we were dating, but she still had a problem with me telling her pears that we were dating. I know in my mind that she had a few guys on the side that she would see. I could not question her on it, because her pofession allows her that flexibility. She wanted me accountable, but not herself. Well after breaking up 3 or 4 times, and talking about kids and marriage we had a final breakup. I was always there for her night and day and looked like a b&*ych and knew it. I am cosidered very goodlooking by my peers. Well she dumped me, and I look really desperate right now because I have shared how I feel. I interact with her professionally and have started getting my snap back with not asking what she is doing, I just say hey how are you and no specifics. She told me in the beginning that I was gorgeous, and now she said she is not atracted to me at all. I know she is dating other guys after only 2 months after the breakup, because she smiles and said she had plans for the weekend. I am smart, handsome and care for this women a lot. I basically showed up on her doorstep, which was a huge mistake. I had mailed all her stuff back to her, but she wanted to keep my stuff. I told her I wanted all of it back because I did not want her next boyfriend to see my stuff. She uses it as a powere pull with men, and I was not going to let her use my stuff to contribute. I have isolated her publically,but kept my relationship with her professionally just smiling and giving vaque answers, and again not asking questions about what she is doing and who with. My boys say that I have the upper hand because I am not giving her much. She is real strong willed and detatched because she is a physician. My question now is this. Can or will I be able to get some respect back from this women, or even get a second chance to get her back if I act like a jerk to her. Granted we are both in our late 30's. I knew the game, but I wore my heart on my sleeve and I have been beating myself up since. We are in the same profession basically, and have a relationship there is well. So my friend "How do I go about doing it, or can it be done?"
Needed advise
- Thread starter Truewest
- Start date
ADifferentKindofDJ
Don Juan
ok, if you want respect from this woman. Don't play her game. Just move on to your next woman. There's nothing that will make someone really think about what they have done than moving on. Besides there are literally millions of woman. Here's how I think of it and I think I got this from some where on this website:
There's a long list of woman I keep in my back pocket. Some of them I know some, most of them I don't. Everytime I met one and it doesn't work out, I cross them of the list. Then write next to their name"NEXT!!" :kick:
I'm in my 30's and had this game played on me. She is a parent of a student I have, so I get to see her every once in a while. It sucks. But I have learned something and have moved on.
I would seriously think about not getting back with her. It's not worth your time. The woman you're looking for could be standing in the line next to you at the grocery store, but you'll be to occupied with this girl to see them. (Noticed I used woman and girl.) :crackup:
There's a reason I choose my login name. I'm tired of playing games, you should be too. Watch for RED FLAGS in the women you meet. I saw these in you post:
1. I have been dating a professional women, who came from a broken home in which she did not speak to her father for over 20 years.
2. She was married for 9, has a couple of kids. We dated for almost 2 years.
3. I got into the relationship knowing that she had some issues with men, and she told me up front that there was some past issues with trust.
4. She also told me that she was not looking for anything serious.
I wish you the best in the woman you're looking for!
ADKdj
There's a long list of woman I keep in my back pocket. Some of them I know some, most of them I don't. Everytime I met one and it doesn't work out, I cross them of the list. Then write next to their name"NEXT!!" :kick:
I'm in my 30's and had this game played on me. She is a parent of a student I have, so I get to see her every once in a while. It sucks. But I have learned something and have moved on.
I would seriously think about not getting back with her. It's not worth your time. The woman you're looking for could be standing in the line next to you at the grocery store, but you'll be to occupied with this girl to see them. (Noticed I used woman and girl.) :crackup:
There's a reason I choose my login name. I'm tired of playing games, you should be too. Watch for RED FLAGS in the women you meet. I saw these in you post:
1. I have been dating a professional women, who came from a broken home in which she did not speak to her father for over 20 years.
2. She was married for 9, has a couple of kids. We dated for almost 2 years.
3. I got into the relationship knowing that she had some issues with men, and she told me up front that there was some past issues with trust.
4. She also told me that she was not looking for anything serious.
I wish you the best in the woman you're looking for!
ADKdj
But I have another scenario, not that I am waiting on this. After this has run its course maybe 4-6 months should I prepare for a "hey what's up phone call? I am already dating, but do they ever come back aropund and if so what makes them do it? Or should I shut up and just watch SWINGERS for the umpteenth time?
ADifferentKindofDJ
Don Juan
I think you can sum up why this scenario happens with: The grass is always greener... But I like to add: The grass is always greener until you mow the lawn. Its when she has done the "yard work" that she will see what she's missing. Your job should always be to improve upon yourself in all areas of your life.
So prepare yourself for when she may approch you and say those words that you don't really want to hear. I suggest writing down exactly what you might say. (ofcourse you wouldn't want to read it from the paper to her or mail/email it)Also get some freinds and family members to help you stand up for yourself. By this I mean that if you're going to get back with her they would be there to remind you of all the reasons you shouldn't be with her. It is hard to let friends and family down so this has worked wonders for me.
Breakups do suck, but that doesn't mean that both parties can't show some respect to each other by keeping it real. In the end you need to make the choice that best for you and your situation. It sounds like you already have.
ADKdj
So prepare yourself for when she may approch you and say those words that you don't really want to hear. I suggest writing down exactly what you might say. (ofcourse you wouldn't want to read it from the paper to her or mail/email it)Also get some freinds and family members to help you stand up for yourself. By this I mean that if you're going to get back with her they would be there to remind you of all the reasons you shouldn't be with her. It is hard to let friends and family down so this has worked wonders for me.
Breakups do suck, but that doesn't mean that both parties can't show some respect to each other by keeping it real. In the end you need to make the choice that best for you and your situation. It sounds like you already have.
ADKdj
I really have Bro, and again thanks for your input. I know it is normal to thiunk about who she is with, and is he this or is he that. I feel like that the way I responded, as well as some of my girlfriends I discussed the scenario with feel like I actually have the upper hand because I gave her nothiong as far as being concerned. I think that with all that is going on that she just might be wondering what is going on on this side. What they say you always come to a point to check on the ex if you left on good terms to see how they are doing. I know a lot more now going into this. My friends seem to think because she is a physician, and a take control kind of person, that when I am truly over her and she realizes it that she will be like "Hey let's get together and hang out". I guess it is LIKE the move SWINGERS where Mikey and his buddy from back in NY are sitting in that cafe and he says "See they know not to come back untill you are actually over them." I do know this, eventhough she paints a pretty pcture that everything is great those issues will eventually come out with anyone she is with, unless she chooses to change and at late 30's I really do not see that. Maybe for her sake she will.By the way, what did you mean by "So prepare yourself for when she may approch you and say those words that you don't really want to hear. I suggest writing down exactly what you might say." Believe me bro, I do not want her because I was there first and and I am not going back for thirds. I just want to walk away on top knowing that I could have had it again.
ADifferentKindofDJ
Don Juan
I just ment you should have it though out before she says she wants to get back withyou, but it seems already have. You're light years ahead of her.
BTW... SWINGERS is a great movie. I love the sence at the end where they're dancing. So instead of watching it again find a friend and take swing dance lesson if you don't already know how. Or salsa, HipHop...ect.
BTW... SWINGERS is a great movie. I love the sence at the end where they're dancing. So instead of watching it again find a friend and take swing dance lesson if you don't already know how. Or salsa, HipHop...ect.
Truewest,
Usually I'm a real cynical bastard, see a lot of nagative, and verbally beat you up for what you did, but you seem like a nice guy, and I'm in a good mood, so I'll take it easy.
Sorry to hear about the breakup, it'd be tough after 2 years.
I think the mistake you made here is not screening her properly. She basically told you she didn't like men, had issues with her dad, husband, and probably countless other things. You probably believed her too. There's 2 sides to every story and what that babble would hav done to me is put the "I''m a headcase" thought in my head.
She has issues with men, and you seem like the type of guy who would be interested in a long term relationship, so generally there will be some problems here.
Also telling you the thing about trust off the beginning. That's a mindgame in my book. People have to EARN "MY" respect, but I don't feel the need to come out and say it like that. I think that's a test of some kind.
You also mentioned she was seeing guys on the side. And you broke up 3 or 4 times? If one of my friends did that, and was in front of me, I'd slap some sense in to him. Respect yourself. One mistake with regards to cheating means by-by. No if, ands, or buts.
You also kind of went a little over the top though with going to the door step, mailing things, etc. You basically were putting too much effort into it and she was giving no effort back. This will NEVER work and you were doomed as of there.
You made a few mistakes along the way, yes, but your main mistake was going out with her to begin with. She wasn't your type, and I think she's a headcase. A lying, cheating, headcase.
You seem like a good guy with regards to wat you can bring into a relationship, you deserve better, just move on.
If you want her respect, just me a man about it, move on, DON'T give into her games anymore, just forget about her. Hell, don't even alk to her other than ork related stuff. Just steer clear from her. Think to yourself "I'm a good guy - I deserve(d) better"
It sucks you got burned, and i's AWEFUL you have to work with her, but you learned a valuable lessons. Work and play don't mix.
Hope I helped.
Usually I'm a real cynical bastard, see a lot of nagative, and verbally beat you up for what you did, but you seem like a nice guy, and I'm in a good mood, so I'll take it easy.
Sorry to hear about the breakup, it'd be tough after 2 years.
I think the mistake you made here is not screening her properly. She basically told you she didn't like men, had issues with her dad, husband, and probably countless other things. You probably believed her too. There's 2 sides to every story and what that babble would hav done to me is put the "I''m a headcase" thought in my head.
She has issues with men, and you seem like the type of guy who would be interested in a long term relationship, so generally there will be some problems here.
Also telling you the thing about trust off the beginning. That's a mindgame in my book. People have to EARN "MY" respect, but I don't feel the need to come out and say it like that. I think that's a test of some kind.
You also mentioned she was seeing guys on the side. And you broke up 3 or 4 times? If one of my friends did that, and was in front of me, I'd slap some sense in to him. Respect yourself. One mistake with regards to cheating means by-by. No if, ands, or buts.
You also kind of went a little over the top though with going to the door step, mailing things, etc. You basically were putting too much effort into it and she was giving no effort back. This will NEVER work and you were doomed as of there.
You made a few mistakes along the way, yes, but your main mistake was going out with her to begin with. She wasn't your type, and I think she's a headcase. A lying, cheating, headcase.
You seem like a good guy with regards to wat you can bring into a relationship, you deserve better, just move on.
If you want her respect, just me a man about it, move on, DON'T give into her games anymore, just forget about her. Hell, don't even alk to her other than ork related stuff. Just steer clear from her. Think to yourself "I'm a good guy - I deserve(d) better"
It sucks you got burned, and i's AWEFUL you have to work with her, but you learned a valuable lessons. Work and play don't mix.
Hope I helped.
Thanks golfguy. I actually mailed the stuff because my sister who is a playa told me to. She said it was a lot better than driving over there. She said from a girls standpoint that is a power move. As far as treating her like anybody else, not asking questions ect. I am there. You know we all loose our snap once in a while. Your're right man, I was actually forwarned and gave her the benefit of the doubt on some things I knew about before I had met her, but as far as I was concerned that was before I knew her. You are right again man, I look at relationships completely different although I knew better. Family, the daddy and then everything else falls in after that. I'll be alright. I use to have that playa mentality, but I got nice for some reason. Your advise as well as AnothertypeofDJ is that all I need to do is KISS it basically (Keep it simple stupid) and that will confuse the heck out of her, because she is used to me being all up in her stuff. I am actually going to disappear for about 8 weekks before I see her again professionally, but I will still be there for her partners. As far as knowing that she was cheating, I do not know. But if it acts like a dog, talks like a dog, it is. A couple of things tipped me off. A lot of excuses to do a lot of things. See bro, and I will say this humbly because your my boy, I am better looking than her. I was her trophy so to speak. I got that from a lot of people, that and the fact I spit shined her )*^^$ Doctor/rep thing, get it? Let me clarify, I call on her I do not work with her. She is a physician and I am a medical rep, and I choose if and when I see her. Reaction?!
No problem.
Alright. I can see the reason why it "may" be used as a power move, but I'd go pick **** up or drop it off at this point. She'll have no power over you if you can control yourself when you're there.
And generally when people get "reputations"..they get it for a reason. Even if it's only 50% true..she did SOMETHING to have it blown out of proportion, but I'm like you benefit of the doubt is ok. I have a rule where girls have to earn my trust. I base this on how she acts, trats me, but more importantly..OTHER ppl behind their backs. Lets say on a scale of 1 to 10..10 being TOTALLY trustworthy, you'd trust her wth life's biggest secrets, and 3 is an attention seeking ***** who gossips about everyone. I'd start this type of girl off at a 1.
"I use to have that playa mentality, but I got nice for some reason. Your advise as well as AnothertypeofDJ is that all I need to do is KISS it basically (Keep it simple stupid)"
I think it's better to be on the nicer side of player, but the key is, is to not let her take advantage of you. I don' t like fighting with anyone, but if they step out of line, I'll fix it in a hurry (not physically), but you got to respect yourself, and letting ppl take advantage of you is not respecting yourself.
I kind of this the "nice guy" thing is blown out of proportion on this site. Here "nice guy = AFC". Being a nice guy is not being an AFC. AFC's are "pathetic" guys.
I'd much prefer to be nice with an edge. It's just my personality. I'm also a very mysterious type of person I guess, so that also helps.
It's def a real shame that things didn't work out. BUT..if you're better looking than her, and KNOW you can do better, just move on. Hell..Don't even see her again unless you have to. Screw the eight weeks. I'm sure it'll piss her off even more if you jus keep avoiding her. Don't go out of your way to avoid her and get stalkish about it (ie. getting her colleague to give you her schedule), just keep a low pro around her work.
Honestly though. All it seems you need to is learn how to screen better. That just takes pratise, patience and also..learn from other ppl. If one of your friends meet a girl, think she's great and turns out to be a psycho, what were the signals. Generally talking to a girl, I'll be able to get a vibe if she's worthwhile or not (85% accuracy) within 15 mins, but to really accuratly screen..I take 2 to 3 meetings. Everyone is entitled to an off day every now and again, and maybe you met her on an off one. Happens the odd time.
You def have the attitude, just need to refine a few skills within your game (as do all of us).
Are you a rep for supplies, or a drug company?? That'd be a sweet job. I've always been facinated with medicine. I was born with a few congenital things and have had 21 surgeries, so I've been around hospitals a bit.
Alright. I can see the reason why it "may" be used as a power move, but I'd go pick **** up or drop it off at this point. She'll have no power over you if you can control yourself when you're there.
And generally when people get "reputations"..they get it for a reason. Even if it's only 50% true..she did SOMETHING to have it blown out of proportion, but I'm like you benefit of the doubt is ok. I have a rule where girls have to earn my trust. I base this on how she acts, trats me, but more importantly..OTHER ppl behind their backs. Lets say on a scale of 1 to 10..10 being TOTALLY trustworthy, you'd trust her wth life's biggest secrets, and 3 is an attention seeking ***** who gossips about everyone. I'd start this type of girl off at a 1.
"I use to have that playa mentality, but I got nice for some reason. Your advise as well as AnothertypeofDJ is that all I need to do is KISS it basically (Keep it simple stupid)"
I think it's better to be on the nicer side of player, but the key is, is to not let her take advantage of you. I don' t like fighting with anyone, but if they step out of line, I'll fix it in a hurry (not physically), but you got to respect yourself, and letting ppl take advantage of you is not respecting yourself.
I kind of this the "nice guy" thing is blown out of proportion on this site. Here "nice guy = AFC". Being a nice guy is not being an AFC. AFC's are "pathetic" guys.
I'd much prefer to be nice with an edge. It's just my personality. I'm also a very mysterious type of person I guess, so that also helps.
It's def a real shame that things didn't work out. BUT..if you're better looking than her, and KNOW you can do better, just move on. Hell..Don't even see her again unless you have to. Screw the eight weeks. I'm sure it'll piss her off even more if you jus keep avoiding her. Don't go out of your way to avoid her and get stalkish about it (ie. getting her colleague to give you her schedule), just keep a low pro around her work.
Honestly though. All it seems you need to is learn how to screen better. That just takes pratise, patience and also..learn from other ppl. If one of your friends meet a girl, think she's great and turns out to be a psycho, what were the signals. Generally talking to a girl, I'll be able to get a vibe if she's worthwhile or not (85% accuracy) within 15 mins, but to really accuratly screen..I take 2 to 3 meetings. Everyone is entitled to an off day every now and again, and maybe you met her on an off one. Happens the odd time.
You def have the attitude, just need to refine a few skills within your game (as do all of us).
Are you a rep for supplies, or a drug company?? That'd be a sweet job. I've always been facinated with medicine. I was born with a few congenital things and have had 21 surgeries, so I've been around hospitals a bit.
Pharma. The thing with this girl is this, looks 6. Definitely dated finer. You know those girls, average looking, brainiacs but something sexy about them. Nice body, fake tits (which she got after she was in the practice, then left the hubby) Has some sex appear like "I want to do you!" The thing was, I loved to spit shine it, and she knew it, and then began to control me with it. You know how some girls come and get it, then there are the one that EXPECT to to come to them to get it because of confidence issues? That is her. She had her game down to the T. Things like "Tell me that does not feel right" I know bro, I sound like that girl you hit of Friday night. "You told me you loved me", which she did after she asked me to marry her. She just played me and I actually believed all that stuff. It was a game to her completely.
I could kick my own butt. You see she IS like a guy, always in control, and extremely detatched. By the way I will stay low profile, kind of mix it up to visit the office day, but not to be seen by her for 8 weeks I have already made up my mind. My question to to you golfguy, can I get to a girl, not get with, but get to her mentally because she has always been in control. I believe there is always a time when you think about your ex. Granted we did not end on bad terms, she just said it was over, wanted to be friends, told me alot about her past which was actually found to be true, then never called me more than twice, and has not since. She knows she will see me in the office at least one a month. Even though she is dating other guys, how do I get into that head? Bro I agree with you about being strong and nice, that is class. The other thing with this girl is because she is so detatched because she is a physician, how can you break her? One of my close girlfriends that after ignoring her for a couple of months, after she has always been in control (and by this I mean KISS) that she will break and call.
I could kick my own butt. You see she IS like a guy, always in control, and extremely detatched. By the way I will stay low profile, kind of mix it up to visit the office day, but not to be seen by her for 8 weeks I have already made up my mind. My question to to you golfguy, can I get to a girl, not get with, but get to her mentally because she has always been in control. I believe there is always a time when you think about your ex. Granted we did not end on bad terms, she just said it was over, wanted to be friends, told me alot about her past which was actually found to be true, then never called me more than twice, and has not since. She knows she will see me in the office at least one a month. Even though she is dating other guys, how do I get into that head? Bro I agree with you about being strong and nice, that is class. The other thing with this girl is because she is so detatched because she is a physician, how can you break her? One of my close girlfriends that after ignoring her for a couple of months, after she has always been in control (and by this I mean KISS) that she will break and call.
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You know. I went to school with a girl EXACTLY like her, so I'll give you my whole take on this.
I agree a lot of guys find highly intelligent women sexy. I notice a trend with highly educated women. The higher the education, whether they are pursuing it, or have completed it, the snottier, more controlling and manipluative they get. This by no means means that all of the are like that, but in general, yes. Same with girls on the other end of the spectrum. They're insecure and tend to be psycho. Not all are like that. I personally generally like to pick an average girl in this regard, who's just down to earth. Hard to find, but not impossoble at all. I know plenty.
She just sounds cruel, manipulative, and..well..saddistic really. Needs to be taken down a notch, but too late really. Not worth it.
Everyone believes a lie in their life. You know what you start needing to do??? Letting actions speak louder than words. Let these girls SHOW you how much they love you. And vice versa. "Love" isn't words. It's actions. Anyone can say something, not everyone can do.
I'd just say get rid of this control freak for good. You don't need drama in your life. She should be done, out the door, forgotten. Actually..next time you see her...introduce youfself to her. Forget you ever knew her. All it'll do is bring back negativity into yourmind and you don't want that. What she did to you would be a blow to just about anyone's self esteem in the same situation.
I kinda look at it this way (weird analogy) You have a normal golf club (ie before you went out with her) and a rusty old one ( after you went out with her). Negativity is Tiger Woods swinging out of his shoes in knee high rough. It'll break the rusty old one. Negaivity is oging to ruin you. So avoid it. Just stay away from her till you get another girl and a bit on confidence back.
As for getting into her head. Why? What's it going to accomplish. It's definately not going to chage the past. It's not going to change your future to any great degree. Being a man isn't about winning everything. It's about losing with dignity, and getting back up after you've been knocked down. That makes you a man,and a winner and even stronger than before. It really is cliche, but it has a ton of trust to it.
That will probably be enough to get her thinking about you, and whatnot, but that's not the point. Maybe she won't. But you know what? You were at least good to yourself and learned a valuable life lesson in the process.
You learned what to avoid, how to handle things the proper way if it ever STARTS to happen again, and you also learned how to treat others well, and be a decent human being at the same time, even when things didn't go your way.
I agree a lot of guys find highly intelligent women sexy. I notice a trend with highly educated women. The higher the education, whether they are pursuing it, or have completed it, the snottier, more controlling and manipluative they get. This by no means means that all of the are like that, but in general, yes. Same with girls on the other end of the spectrum. They're insecure and tend to be psycho. Not all are like that. I personally generally like to pick an average girl in this regard, who's just down to earth. Hard to find, but not impossoble at all. I know plenty.
She just sounds cruel, manipulative, and..well..saddistic really. Needs to be taken down a notch, but too late really. Not worth it.
Everyone believes a lie in their life. You know what you start needing to do??? Letting actions speak louder than words. Let these girls SHOW you how much they love you. And vice versa. "Love" isn't words. It's actions. Anyone can say something, not everyone can do.
I'd just say get rid of this control freak for good. You don't need drama in your life. She should be done, out the door, forgotten. Actually..next time you see her...introduce youfself to her. Forget you ever knew her. All it'll do is bring back negativity into yourmind and you don't want that. What she did to you would be a blow to just about anyone's self esteem in the same situation.
I kinda look at it this way (weird analogy) You have a normal golf club (ie before you went out with her) and a rusty old one ( after you went out with her). Negativity is Tiger Woods swinging out of his shoes in knee high rough. It'll break the rusty old one. Negaivity is oging to ruin you. So avoid it. Just stay away from her till you get another girl and a bit on confidence back.
As for getting into her head. Why? What's it going to accomplish. It's definately not going to chage the past. It's not going to change your future to any great degree. Being a man isn't about winning everything. It's about losing with dignity, and getting back up after you've been knocked down. That makes you a man,and a winner and even stronger than before. It really is cliche, but it has a ton of trust to it.
That will probably be enough to get her thinking about you, and whatnot, but that's not the point. Maybe she won't. But you know what? You were at least good to yourself and learned a valuable life lesson in the process.
You learned what to avoid, how to handle things the proper way if it ever STARTS to happen again, and you also learned how to treat others well, and be a decent human being at the same time, even when things didn't go your way.
golfguy,
She actually called me the other day, but I ignore the call. Then I was out last night with some of my boyz and I checked my email from my phone. She had her girlfriend email me an urgent message TWICE asking me if I had a date for New Years, and that she had a girl she wanted to set me up with. Now this is her GOOD friend. I just said I was in Aspen for the weekend, would be home Sunday and told her I would tell Paris Hilton hi for her. I had told her previously that I would be there, and actually asked her to go. Reaction!?
She actually called me the other day, but I ignore the call. Then I was out last night with some of my boyz and I checked my email from my phone. She had her girlfriend email me an urgent message TWICE asking me if I had a date for New Years, and that she had a girl she wanted to set me up with. Now this is her GOOD friend. I just said I was in Aspen for the weekend, would be home Sunday and told her I would tell Paris Hilton hi for her. I had told her previously that I would be there, and actually asked her to go. Reaction!?