Need to make a marriage decision ASAP! or I lose my girl

[Reyaj]

This is coming from someone in a very happy marriage whose wife treats him like a king.

Having the marriage to come home to is overrated. It sounds great. And again - I am very happy with what I come home to and how I'm treated. But if you're pining for that single guy's life, think it over.

Because you're not just coming home to a well-cooked meal and easy sex. It's not just a foot rub and a clean bathroom. Those are the good things if you have a good wife.

You're coming home to "how was your day?" every single day. And "can I talk to you about something" when it's 4th and 10 with :36 to play. And "don't forget to call" if you decide to go out with your buddies. And "is it all right if we visit my parents this weekend" when you just wanted to park your bottom on the couch, have a few cold ones, watch Goodfellas for the three thousandth time, and maybe indulge in a bad frozen pizza and a quiet jerk off.

I'm not trying to sound like one of those "marriage is hell" guys. It's not if you do it right. But these are the little things you will give up. Personally I think they're more important than the "big" sacrifices. Of course you're going to visit in-laws and drive kids to school and stuff if you're a good family man. And yeah the scary specter of the cost of divorce is a never-ending discussion around here. But day to day, the little sacrifices are what will add up for you and make you wonder. You'll walk down the street and see a bar filled with tail and think "I could probably get that." Sure a lot of it is fantasy but when you're single, you just waltz on in and talk to a lady. Nobody calls to check in on you and ask who you're with.

For me, these sacrifices are fine because my wife sexes me like a porn star and is happy to keep a clean house and serve a happy husband. We have a great time and our ships sail in the same direction. Very few disagreements and no fights. Sometimes I see the grass as greener, sometimes not. But I will admit I was also a very happy man when I was single and living alone. Some nights I'd smoke a J/have some beers and watch flicks and not care if a woman was around. Other nights I'd go out alone and hound for poon. That's the kind of stuff you say goodbye to in marriage, and like I said it means more than any divorce settlement in my opinion. So the woman you're marrying better be worth it. Just some food for thought.

This is a great post Samspade... A lot if it hits home for me... Yesterday for example when she was over I had to divert my attention from the NBA finals to talk to her etc.....

Thats a big part of this too... I love my life like it is now.... I want to have my cake and eat it too... All the things I take for granted being a bachelor I will appreciate when I am married... and it will be too late.

I very much am into seduction of other women too.... maybe to the point where I have a problem Tiger Woods style.. though I'd like to believe that a man wanting to have sex and being attracted to different women is normal....

The thing is I objectively know that getting the occasional poon from another chick doesn't enhance my life... but its a sordid drive I have... I feel manly being able to game a chick so that I get her panties off... Still I wouldn't want to LTR her... these are girls I just want to have a physical relationship with you know?

So if I get married I can't live this lifestyle.... or maybe I can but it would bother me that I am disrespecting my marriage...

Everyday is a constant state of confusion for me... I hate to admit it but its the truth.

Honestly the best I have come up with (in that I feel calm and in control) is cultivating a marriage life but cheating when it suits me..

For those of you who instinctvly say to leave her.... I believe I am the problem here. What will leaving her do for my life? What's to say I won't LTR another girl and still want to have sex with other women....

Are you trying to say if I meet the right girl I won't have this drive anymore? What if that never happens? What I am just flawed and incapable of settling down? I do want a family and children in my life. I just want to have the occasional affair.... at least I admit this damnit.....

You can see how many girls I've met throughout the years, I am no rookie

 

[HariPoter13]

Perhaps we should consult the "University of Man" and ask his opinion in the link below.....

http://tinyurl.com/7w8trsb

Full link here (but you must substitute the *'s with the proper spelling of wh0re to make it work)......http://www.theuniversityofman.com/blog/2012/5/21/the-art-of-*****-why-betas-marry-leftovers.html

That guy is jaded as hell. He reeks of hatred.

 

[5string]

My question is this:

If you married her, do you think you would cheat? If so, don't do it. Let her go.

 

[zekko]

I didn't even read your entire post. Never let a girl give you an ultimatum. NEVER. If she is willing to leave you because you won't marry her then whatelse would she be willing to leave you over?

I agree with this. She's threatening to leave you in the same sentence as her "proposal". This is a divorce waiting to happen.

If her interest level in you was sufficient enough, she would stay with you under whatever circumstances you could provide. For instance, my girlfriend knew I had been through a recent divorce and was not going to be marrying anyone in the near future, so she was happy to cohabitate. Which was my suggestion - I don't think she even expected that much from me, honestly.

 

[Reyaj]

I agree with this. She's threatening to leave you in the same sentence as her "proposal". This is a divorce waiting to happen.

If her interest level in you was sufficient enough, she would stay with you under whatever circumstances you could provide. For instance, my girlfriend knew I had been through a recent divorce and was not going to be marrying anyone in the near future, so she was happy to cohabitate. Which was my suggestion - I don't think she even expected that much from me, honestly.

Did you read my additional clarification on that? I have been dragging it out 4 years... doesn't she have a right to know if she should move on or not?

And how about I do get married and I do cheat... So fF*DF* what? I'd bet over half the men in successful marriages do it.

I can separate superficial sex from companionship... I haven't got caught yet...

 

[Iceberg]

Did you read my additional clarification on that? I have been dragging it out 4 years... doesn't she have a right to know if she should move on or not?

Unless you guys are breaking up/getting back together every other day, then why does she need a title to confirm your love?

A girl who really wants to be with you will stick around regardless of what you call yourselves. If she needs to wait for you to feel comfortable with the idea of marriage, then she'll wait. Only the worst of the worst try to force marriage upon you.

And how about I do get married and I do cheat... So fF*DF* what? I'd bet over half the men in successful marriages do it.

I can separate superficial sex from companionship... I haven't got caught yet...

Well, here's the thing - if you have all the answers, then stop replying to this thread and let it die. Go make your decisions and live with them, rather than trying to refute every piece of advice that people are giving you.

Cheat. Don't cheat. Marry. Don't marry. It's all good to me.

But at the end of the day, whether you were a stranger on the internet or a lifelong friend, I'd advise against you marrying this woman.

Any excuses you wanna make to keep her....hey, that's your thing, pal. Best of luck.

 

[Burroughs]

Reyaj is your girl Indian?...the rapid weight gain and pressure to get married at 30 was a tip off.

Regardless man..you are clearly in no position to get married, this will not end well if you go against your true feelings.

 

[AW1983]

samspade I repped you for your description of married life above, it's spot on, and a lot of it applies to cohabitating LTR's too.

It's a trade-off guys: marry a hottie who loves sex and is in great shape, who you can have a laugh with. Also realize that you will deal with more of her bs occasionally than you might have tolerated when you were uber-DJ single guy. Consistent sex and someone who's always got your back vs petty female bs at times and very limited variety. None of us is going to be young forever...what do you want out of life? That's all it boils down to.

A girl who really wants to be with you will stick around regardless of what you call yourselves. If she needs to wait for you to feel comfortable with the idea of marriage, then she'll wait. Only the worst of the worst try to force marriage upon you.

Sorry but I see this type of stuff posted here a lot and I agree...TO A POINT. A high SMV woman (hot, loves sex, good shape, above-average personality) in her middle to late twenties is not a 18 year old that still thinks she'll live forever and will (or should) wait around a decade for you because you're such a badass alpha. The smart and worthwhile ones know their value and it's going to get to a point where they need to know that at some point you're going to help them with their main biological purpose on the planet (having children) or else they have to move on.

If said worthy-and-hot girl hasn't spent her whole life riding the c0ck carousel and is expecting to get married at some point for all she's bringing to the table and contributing to YOUR life, then that's totally reasonable honestly. Now it doesn't mean you HAVE to marry her. Just that it's only reasonable for the smart ones to desire this after YEARS dedicated to you in an LTR. As enlightened DJ's we have to be able to see and comprehend both sides of the coin, right?

 

[Desdinova]

Did you read my additional clarification on that? I have been dragging it out 4 years... doesn't she have a right to know if she should move on or not?

Marriage has nothing to do with the relationship. Marriage is a legal contract. A relationship consists (or should consist) of commitment, trust, respect, honesty, and sex. A marriage contract doesn't add to what really makes the relationship. After you sign the contract, you have the exact same things that made the relationship what it is. All the marriage contract does is make a breakup expensive and complicated. If you NEED your relationship to be based on making it complicated and expensive to break up, you've got a 5hit load of problems. If your relationship has consisted of 'dragging it out' until marriage, then that's a problem in itself.

Marriage is not for you - at least not with this woman. You've fvcked around on her and you've been 'dragging it out'. That doesn't sound like love. It sounds like she's got you by the ba11s and it's making you miserable. You fvck around so you can tolerate keeping her around because you're too pu55y to leave her ass and live solo.

 

[Burroughs]

It's a trade-off guys: marry a hottie who loves sex and is in great shape, who you can have a laugh with. Also realize that you will deal with more of her bs occasionally than you might have tolerated when you were uber-DJ single guy. Consistent sex and someone who's always got your back vs petty female bs at times and very limited variety. None of us is going to be young forever...what do you want out of life? That's all it boils down to.

thats the hard part

its not hard to find hot, fun girls.....but rarely do they truly have your back.....they may appear to for their own motives...but the hot ones look out for themselves.

the girls who have your back....usually hb 5.5 and lower....so thats a non starter

if you find a girl thats both...hold onto her like grim death.

most men who have hot wives THINK their wives have their back...but they don't..it only takes a bump in the road to figure that out...

 

[scrouds]

I've thought long and hard about this, and I've come to a simple working idea. Tell her you are willing to get married under the eyes of god, but not under the eyes of the state. Then stay the hell out of alabama, colorado, iowa, kansas, montana, oklahoma, rhode island , south carolina, utah and texas.

 

[Reyaj]

Well said. It is a oft-repeated trope here that "a woman who loves you will wait for you." Of course, a woman who really wants to have children, with or without you, and wants to do that within the framework of a solid marriage (which I respect), will fish or cut bait at some point. I can't blame a woman for making child-rearing a priority any more than I can blame a man for making the DJ lifestyle a priority. Those are triggers that were put in place long ago.

This is what many men struggle with. I don't think a man can ever truly comprehend the pull to have children the way a woman feels it. Just like a woman could never understand how often a man things about sex. So when a woman delivers an "ultimatum," of course we all say "let her walk." Why? It's simple. You wouldn't come here struggling over the decision if you were good and ready to marry this woman and start a family with her.

It's unfortunate that women think they have to play hardball over this. All she really needs to say is "these are my goals, are we on the same page?" But remember - women can be just as AFC as men. She probably knows she has a good partner and doesn't want to lose him and start over. What you end up with is two people who fear starting over, but with two different sets of personal goals. Either something will give (one will walk away), or a mistake will be made because one will give in to the other and betray what he/she truly wants. Unhappiness ensues.

Excellent post Samspade. Regarding your last line though... I want both the family and the dj lifestyle

 

[betheman]

Fellow DJs..... if any of you have read any of my prior threads on this subject, it may be getting old.

It is now do or die time for me to get married. My gf told me that if I don't decide by the end of week to proceed with marriage then she will leave me...

...

that was all I needed to read.
my reply would have been simple, "Im not taking second place to a legal contract, thanks for the memories"

 

[betheman]

So? what happened?

 

[Big Pappy]

back to basics!

Here's the thing. You cannot possibly marry this girl. It would be wrong for both of you. You don't love her.

Just having sex with a girl, pretty or not, fat or not, is not anyone's definition of success.

Love is not an emotion. It is an action. When you love someone, the size of their butt or gut may be apparent, but it is not a factor in how you feel about them.

If she's giving you an ultimatum, that's a great thing. Simply tell her all the pros - leave out the cons, and tell her that you do respect her, but you aren't in love with her. To marry her would be insane.

As for her getting heavy, that's your fault, too! We start winning the affections of these women by taking them out on outings - not dates. If she's putting on weight, it's because her activity level is too low - stop feeding her, and take her OUT for activities. Hiking, tubing, horseback riding - anything to get her away from the house and increase her metabolism.

Alternatively - you can set a date two years in the future - see how things play out. You can always call it off. I don't recommend this, because it's deceitful and would hurt her - and a DJ is not about pain. He's about improving himself so that he can attract the women he IS sexually attracted to.

If you are cheating, end the relationship before your dishonesty ruins your reputation. And improve yourself.

 

[Kailex]

This was STILL going on???
We've talked about this for years, Reyaj.

If you need to make a list of Pros and Cons based on an ultimatum that a woman gave you, then it's already a lost cause to marry her.

I can't believe you let it get that far. This has going on since at least 2010. I think it's time for you to move on from this relationship and stop fooling yourself that she has some stablizing effect on you, because she clearly doesn't.

Please tell me you've moved on from her and released her.

 

[Reyaj]

This was STILL going on???
We've talked about this for years, Reyaj.

If you need to make a list of Pros and Cons based on an ultimatum that a woman gave you, then it's already a lost cause to marry her.

I can't believe you let it get that far. This has going on since at least 2010. I think it's time for you to move on from this relationship and stop fooling yourself that she has some stablizing effect on you, because she clearly doesn't.

Please tell me you've moved on from her and released her.

I know it sounds sad to read Kailex....

Tonight all my friends stood me up... I tried making plans to go out.... She is the only person I can depend on...

I am all alone without her.... The feeling of not having anyone in this world that cares about you is paralyzing...

You probably have friends from high school or college or work you can count on. When you make plans with them, they follow through.... I have nobody.... And when my so called "friends" don't even text me back to let me know if we can go out I appreciate my gf even more

What am I supposed to do? Dump her... and then what? At 34 I feel like its hard to start over... I met a girl a few weeks back that lost interested after I told her my age.... What am I supposed to do? I am so lost... so lost.....

 

[Desdinova]

Tonight all my friends stood me up... I tried making plans to go out.... She is the only person I can depend on...

Wrong. YOU are the only person you can depend on. Your gf gave you the ultimatum of "get married or I walk" so how the fvck is she dependable?

I am all alone without her.... The feeling of not having anyone in this world that cares about you is paralyzing...

Someone on this forum once told me "It is worse to die young and on fire than to die old and lonely" and you know what? He's right. Think about that one.

You probably have friends from high school or college or work you can count on. When you make plans with them, they follow through.... I have nobody.... And when my so called "friends" don't even text me back to let me know if we can go out I appreciate my gf even more

Again, you cannot depend on anybody but yourself. I learned that the hard way years ago. You don't need to rely on other people to have a fun, fulfilling life. You need to learn how to create that life for yourself. THEN you can invite others into it. Your world is what you make it to be. If you want to continue setting yourself up for disappointment by relying on others, then your life will consist of nothing but disappointment.

What am I supposed to do? Dump her

Yes

... and then what?

Go out and find a woman who respects your wishes to not get married. There's lots of women out there. Your GF is NOT the definitive woman who will make the perfect mate.

At 34 I feel like its hard to start over

Starting over is difficult at any age. I've done it twice. You've done it what? Zero times? Only babies can't fend for themselves. You're a 34 year old man for chrissake!

I met a girl a few weeks back that lost interested after I told her my age

I'm not buying it. When a woman is truly interested in you, she won't care about your age, how many kids you have, how many times you've been in jail, etc. All she cares about is how you make her feel. If you weren't making her feel anything, then that's why she ditched you.

 

[Boilermaker]

OP cries like a baby and claims he has a secret DJ life.

Dude, just admit it. You are as BETA as it gets.

1) You take ultimatums from a 30-year old,
2) who is not physically attractive anymore,
3) and is becoming more and more belligerent on whether
4) you should spend your whole life (and your life-savings) with a chick
5) that will progressively get fatter and
6) make more and more material demands,
7) while you are admitting you "salivate" over sex with other women.

You have to man up, suck it up and tell her to move on. Or accept a pathetic marriage life.

What a lot of guys don't realize is you marry a girl with a state of extreme happiness,excitement and joy , not through some disgusting pro/con list with an undecided mind. You take the plunge and do not think about it twice.

It is insulting to her as well.

Believe me.