Need tips based on exp. GF 7 months preg, the "game" has changed...

[Scorched]

First of all thank you for taking your time to read this. I'll keep it short and simple.

I see so many people making their 2nd marriages work... I simple think it is because they learned so much from their first marriage. I refuse to fail at creating a family.

Summary:
Dating this girl a year and a half... I literally had this girl on lock down for the first year. Not that I am controlling, I was just so confident at the time and had so many female friends. She is now 7 months pregnant... After I found out she was pregnant for sure, I told her we'd make this work. For the past 3 months I moved back in with my family. Literally an AFC move, but I had to do it due to bills and saving up for my son. In the next few weeks I plan to get an apartment and finish up this long list of stuff for the baby.

I'm seeking advice based off past experience from you gentlemen.... I sense there is a thin line while living with a girl and our child between being a chump a being a man. Honestly the "game" has changed now. If I don't adapt I might be stuck paying 25% of my income for 18 years...

I do plan to start working out more (expensive). I know for a fact that is a huge factor for my own self confidence as well as keeping her physically and mentally attracted.

Once again thank you for your time, any and all advice would be great, even if it is stupid. Share your similar stories etc...

 

[romangod]

I'm seeking advice based off past experience from you gentlemen.... I sense there is a thin line while living with a girl and our child between being a chump a being a man. Honestly the "game" has changed now. If I don't adapt I might be stuck paying 25% of my income for 18 years...

I can give you my opinion but I need to know a few more things...........

Do you love her?

Are you just trying to do the right thing without realizing that it could be more expensive financially and emotionally?

Does she deserve you?


.

 

[woods]

Umm, Its a little more than 25% bro!

If you got a kid coming, you need to focus on that. Not this "game" and "AFC" crap. You have a responsibility, period. Whether you like this chick, or love her, or whatever, you drop your life and be there for your child. There's no DJing abou t it. Im not saying you cant go pick up chicks still, but your prime focus is that kid, or else you're far worse than a chump.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I don't know man. From what I've seen the guys who revert back into AFC mode do all of the things which "seems" right but little of the things that actually work. We could discuss it in an open forum but I think a lot of content would be lost in the debate. My suggestion is to have both of them go see a premarital counselor (even if they don't plan on getting married) and get help on planning what is actually necessary in order to not only take care of a family but also a relationship.

 

[woods]

you're absolutely right, there.

 

[Bible_Belt]

She has to believe that if she does not behave, you will walk away. Even if she has ten kids by you, if she's a total b!tch, you're still going to divorce her ass. You don't have to leave her, but just make sure that she knows you will. There is no such thing as unconditional love forever. It just doesn't happen. When she knows that she can act however she wants and you'll put up with it, then she will start testing your boundaries like a child, then she loses respect for you and it's the beginning of the end. Even worse, most guys hang around 'for the sake of the child,' yet by being a whipped wuss, they are teaching their child all the wrong things about relationship dynamics. The children of whipped AFCs grow up to be whippeds AFCs. Keep the power in your relationship - that will make it last, and it will set a good example for your child.

 

[romangod]

I refuse to fail at creating a family.



This is the part that concerns me. It is a noble sentiment yet totally out of step with the times. Creating a baby is easy. Willing a happy, successful family is the hard part. It depends on her. She has the power to totally ruin him emotionally and financially and my guess is she eventually will. Trouble ahead,


.

 

[Mr. Me]

>> I see so many people making their 2nd marriages work... I simple think it is because they learned so much from their first marriage. >>

Actually, the failure rate of second marriages is higher than the failure rate of first time marriages. People don't learn squat. Plus second marriages have other stress factors. But back to your situation...

Don't get married, if that's what you're planning. That she's pregnant is not a good enough reason to bind yourself legally with a woman, especially a woman in her early 20's or younger (I'm guessing at her age).

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Actually, the failure rate of second marriages is higher than the failure rate of first time marriages. People don't learn squat. Plus second marriages have other stress factors.

:yes: All true.

 

[frivolousz21]

most importantly your there for your son.

however:

1. do not get married until your good to go...id wait 2 years after living with her to get married.

2. you have no custody of your child...yes you are the legal father...but thats not physical guardian....if she leaves you and takes your kid you cant do ****...until you get into court.

since you are unmarried you can go to court when the child is born and get joint physical custody with her...which means if she leaves you..your rights are already in place

3. you cannot create a family..your family the ones your related to by blood...I hate to the bearer of bad news..but she isnt your family for life...unless you stay with her for life. I HOPE this works for you...but you cannot create this.

if you live with her and its miserable then leave..you can be a great father even if ur not with the mother...

4. put some money aside if you split up for court costs.

5. I really hope this works for you and you guys are compatible...don't worry about being a chump..your child needs you to be a providor and protector..good luck.

6. remember babies need love love love love love love love...like you have never loved before...


7. in your OP..you seem very worried about being AFC. forget that..you need to worry about diapers, food, shelter and clothes

 

[KontrollerX]

Here's what I say...

Take care of your kid because that is definitely a responsibility of yours.

As for the girl don't do something stupid like marry her because you feel obligated to do so now that she's pregnant.

Only marry her or anyone for that matter if you actually love and connect with the person.

 

[Scorched]

Guys I have been thinking about my situation all day...
I'm just going to go ahead and admit it...
Hell is obvious or I wouldn't be asking for advice.
I have insecurity's and a low self-confidence right now.
I think that is 80% of my problem.
The other 20% is finances...

I am coming up with a game plan to reverse these factors...

But any advice is fully welcome, be as blunt as possible!

Umm, Its a little more than 25% bro!

If you got a kid coming, you need to focus on that. Not this "game" and "AFC" crap. You have a responsibility, period. Whether you like this chick, or love her, or whatever, you drop your life and be there for your child. There's no DJing abou t it. Im not saying you cant go pick up chicks still, but your prime focus is that kid, or else you're far worse than a chump.

If I act AFC, the kid will end up seeing his father every 2nd weekend.

I can give you my opinion but I need to know a few more things...........

Do you love her?

Are you just trying to do the right thing without realizing that it could be more expensive financially and emotionally?

Does she deserve you?


.

Yes I am "in love with her", she actually said I love you to me before I said it to her. I do not think love is divine. I think that sums it up...

I think I'd go nuts if some other dude was raising my son...

Deserve me? As far as what she has put into the relationship? Just as much as I have. I don't really follow the logic here bro. She is cute and educated... About as good as small town American women can get, but still American women suck. Put it this way, I asked her to stay home after my son is born. So we could save on day care and formula. She looked at me like I was crazy...

I don't know man. From what I've seen the guys who revert back into AFC mode do all of the things which "seems" right but little of the things that actually work. We could discuss it in an open forum but I think a lot of content would be lost in the debate. My suggestion is to have both of them go see a premarital counselor (even if they don't plan on getting married) and get help on planning what is actually necessary in order to not only take care of a family but also a relationship.

This is a really good idea. Expensive, but I'll see what I can do. A 3rd party stopping the power struggle and hard head type attitude, etc... That would be nice.

She has to believe that if she does not behave, you will walk away. Even if she has ten kids by you, if she's a total b!tch, you're still going to divorce her ass. You don't have to leave her, but just make sure that she knows you will. There is no such thing as unconditional love forever. It just doesn't happen. When she knows that she can act however she wants and you'll put up with it, then she will start testing your boundaries like a child, then she loses respect for you and it's the beginning of the end. Even worse, most guys hang around 'for the sake of the child,' yet by being a whipped wuss, they are teaching their child all the wrong things about relationship dynamics. The children of whipped AFCs grow up to be whippeds AFCs. Keep the power in your relationship - that will make it last, and it will set a good example for your child.

I love your logic Bible_Belt. I keep thinking there is a think line between being dominant and controlling. Although in reality this doesn't seem to be true.

I refuse to fail at creating a family.

This is the part that concerns me. It is a noble sentiment yet totally out of step with the times. Creating a baby is easy. Willing a happy, successful family is the hard part. It depends on her. She has the power to totally ruin him emotionally and financially and my guess is she eventually will. Trouble ahead,
.

You have to understand I know so many guys that have kids, yet only see them like twice a month... Most of them seem to be very successful at their 2nd marriages...

I don't think "it depends on her". If I keep her challenged, everything will be fine.

>> I see so many people making their 2nd marriages work... I simple think it is because they learned so much from their first marriage. >>

Actually, the failure rate of second marriages is higher than the failure rate of first time marriages. People don't learn squat. Plus second marriages have other stress factors. But back to your situation...

Don't get married, if that's what you're planning. That she's pregnant is not a good enough reason to bind yourself legally with a woman, especially a woman in her early 20's or younger (I'm guessing at her age).

My family asked me if I was going to ask her for her hand in marriage for Christmas. I laughed at them... I've never really been into the whole marriage thing. But living with a girl and having a child with her is in my mindset is damn near close to being married.

2. you have no custody of your child...yes you are the legal father...but thats not physical guardian....if she leaves you and takes your kid you cant do ****...until you get into court.

since you are unmarried you can go to court when the child is born and get joint physical custody with her...which means if she leaves you..your rights are already in place

Tell me more... Seriously... Like I know two guys that take care of their kids, but the kids have THEIR MOM'S LAST NAME. The guys didn't want to have to pay for child support... It isn't that I don't want to pay child support. Like if my son lived under another roof I'd pay for half of all of his needs if she could show them on paper. I think we can all agree most women blow child support or use it to stay at home on. Plus if the mother lives with another guy... Then hell she will just waste that money... So I need to become the legal guardian? Will that force me to pay child support?

-----

 

[frivolousz21]

You are way to terrified of this women leaving you....

im not understanding it..if she leaves..at worst you will get your son 8 days a month....2 weekends and one day a week...its not that bad...yes you have to pay child support which sucks...but its part of being a responsible father.

Also on the note of being a physical guardian..you need to contact an attourney and find out how those laws work in your state. Unless you can prove she is unfit mother you will get standard visitiation/joint physical custody and you will pay child support. But thats just part of the deal



I have a 17 month old son...when my X left...no I wasnt in love with her...however I still cared...she left and took my son and believe me nothing nothing ****ed my world up like losing my son...it was rough accepting the situation..not because of her..but because of my son...your 23 years old..and your about to be a dad...you need to GROW UP REALLY FAST and understand that your child will be THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO YOU BY A THOUSAND MILES. And to be the best man you can be the rest of your life is the most thing you can give him.

worrying about being a "dj" doenst mean ****. I can tell you from expierence..it doesnt..being a man and providing for your family is the most important thing. Ive messed up...I cant go back..ive been a very good father...but I didn't do everything I possibly could better myself for my familys benifit. But now I can become a better man and father....good luck you..I wish you the best and hope this all works out...

and remember no matter what happens with you and the mother of the child..sorry if it sounds like im telling you it wont work...im not but your relationship has nothing to do with the bond with your son do not forget that. I didnt see my boy for 36 days....it took him 30 seconds to know it was me..he would'nt let me go for 30 min...THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ONE MOMENT WITH THE MANY WOMEN IVE BEEN WITH..that has ever ever ever come close to how I felt those 30 min..nothing.

I just want you to know how this is all about your child now

well and you!!!

 

[romangod]

Deserve me? As far as what she has put into the relationship? Just as much as I have. I don't really follow the logic here bro.



My logic here is whether she's worth you risking your freedom, idividuality and future sanity. You're still young with a lot of life ahead of you. Are you resolved to attempt to spend it with her? Do you have enough faith in her character as a spouse and mother? If you're not sure, don't do it and concentrate solely on whatever relationship you can develop with your child.

The reason for my caveat is that one of my best friends attempted a similar situation under similar circumstances. He had high hopes just like you do only to find himself in a marriage from hell and castrated as a man.

.

 

[penkitten]

Guys I have been thinking about my situation all day...
I'm just going to go ahead and admit it...
Hell is obvious or I wouldn't be asking for advice.
I have insecurity's and a low self-confidence right now.
I think that is 80% of my problem.
The other 20% is finances...

becoming a father takes alot of confidence and courage. becoming a good parent is a scary job.

I am coming up with a game plan to reverse these factors... But any advice is fully welcome, be as blunt as possible!

there is no set game plan when it comes to parenting.
you just try your best to feed, clothe and love your child, teaching your child right and wrong and pray that one day, when your child grows up and leaves home that you did a good enough job that he/she won't fall on his/her butt.

If I act AFC, the kid will end up seeing his father every 2nd weekend.
Yes I am "in love with her", she actually said I love you to me before I said it to her. I do not think love is divine. I think that sums it up...
I think I'd go nuts if some other dude was raising my son...

first off, either you love her or you don't. you say you love her, but if love isn't divine, it's not really love then is it?
why are you freaking out about only seeing your child every other weekend and that some other man will be raising him?

You have to understand I know so many guys that have kids, yet only see them like twice a month.

that is because things did not work out between the father and mother in those situations, early on. you see, most mothers would give their child their fathers last name in a heartbeat, if they thought he would stick around and raise the kiddo. when there are problems early on, of course they aren't going to do it.

My family asked me if I was going to ask her for her hand in marriage for Christmas. I laughed at them... I've never really been into the whole marriage thing. But living with a girl and having a child with her is in my mindset is damn near close to being married.

your family asked, because they wanted to know how serious you were. if you feel that living with her is like being married in your heart or in the eyes of god, then it is ok to say that but it is not the same as being married in the eyes of the state. they each have pros and cons. the pros are great if you do not work out, the cons are that if one of you dies, becomes seriously injured or ill then the other one has no say so at any legal sort of time.
that, and you will never ever ever hear the end to "you never married me."

I think we can all agree most women blow child support or use it to stay at home on. Plus if the mother lives with another guy... Then hell she will just waste that money... So I need to become the legal guardian? Will that force me to pay child support?

on what? rent? food? toliet paper? clothes for your kid?health insurance and medicine for your kid? dental appointments? education?
what in the world do you think child support is for? sheesh.
if she is spending it on crack, go get custody.
if you are not with the mother, and you are ordered to pay support, you have no say so in where it gets spent. it is not your choice. if the mother spends your support on daycare or the house payment, and her check on the other, it does not matter.
if she is with another guy, remember that he did not make and create your child. it is not his child or his responsibility to provide for the child you made. if you were with a mother who already had a child, you would get pissed if that kid's father expected you to provide for his kid because he was scared of where all his little pennies where going.
if you are named a legal guardian or not, if things do not work out, she can take you to court, and a judge will order you to pay support.



stop freaking out and being so scared. you created a family, now go make your family work.