Need suggestions on becoming more people oriented

[T Dog]

In The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader Chapter 15 Relationships John Maxwell suggests books by three people to improve your people skills.

- Dale Carnegie
How to Win and Influence Friends

- Alan Loy McGinnis
The Friendship Factor

- Les Parrott III
Relationships ( I think.) This one is aimed at a younger single audience. Also deals with your relationship with God, which is a big turn off for me.

Now that's atleast four books that I have us reading. We have a lot of work to do.

Other books I found while on Amazon

Live The James Bond Life Style and Conversationally Speaking
How to Work a Room

[This message has been edited by T Dog (edited 07-31-2002).]

 

[WildThang]

Why not make 'Become more people oriented' a long-term task for yourself? And then do whatever you need to do to make it happen, in the usual task-oriented way.

 

[Ivan Drago]

T-Dog, being "task-oriented" sounds nothing more than a poor excuse to avoid approching women. When you see a girl you like, come up with an opener and a follow-up and just go for it. But don't come up with excuses. I won't buy them.

 

[T Dog]

Ivan Drago, did you read any of the replies? I didn't think so. Did you offer any advice? I think notYou statement has been asked and answered.

If you can't contribute to the discussion then please do not respond.

To Wildthing, gee why didn't I think of that?!! Dude, I have read your posts, and you know your $hit, but respectfully your way off on this. Still, thanks for the input.

It isn’t that easy. I have made becoming more people oriented a long-term goal, hence this post. I am in the process of changing, hence my research. If it were just that simple as willing my self to do it, I'd be done with it.

For a bird to fly he needs to see how it's done. He can't just think himself into flight.

T Dog

 

[Wolf in sheep's clothing]

Originally posted by SexPDX:
In my case the shyness issues were accompanied by a semi-narcissistic view of the world where I had to believe that others admired me and they should approve of me no matter what. Since actually interacting with others proved that this was not always the case, I became afraid of others and even resentful of them for not showing me the approval I thought I was worthy of just because of my own narcissistic belief that I was somehow "special" compared to everyone else just for being me....

I've had the same problem with shyness, but with the opposite self-image of low self-worth. I feared rejection simply because I thought that it was inevitable. At work I became totally task-oriented, feeling that I had to master everything because I assumed that everyone else had - It always looked like they were confident and compitant so I had to be too.

With women, I just assumed that they would never be interested in me so I never made any effort towards them. This meant that I totally ignored any signals they would send out to me showing their interest. Consequently I never got any experience or practice with asking and dating women. This same "I am not worthy" attitude has influenced my general socialising too.

So my shyness has been forcing me to be task-oriented rather than people-oriented. The only time I managed to overcome this state was when I was drunk or stoned - the drugs would block the self-destructive inner dialog that normally runs through my head, I'd loosen up and suddenly become 10 times more social.

I've done a lot towards killing my highly negative inner dialog, but now I too am looking to become more people oriented - and without the use of socializing drugs (... oh ok, maybe with a drink or 2

) I might follow up on some of those books, but the issue for me is how do I actually condition myself into doing this so that it becomes a more natural process and not one requiring direct concentration with thoughts like "OK Wolf, lets be people-oriented now".

 

[PlayerinTraining]

I have a similar problem to you. I find it troublesome meeting new people.

I've made a lot of improvement since I was a kid when it comes to relating to strangers. Hell, I used to have trouble just asking for directions or simple questions.

I think a lot of this has to do with where you grew up. If you grew up in a major metro area like NYC, you will be VERY cautious of people, and you expect others to share the same POV.

How do you view meeting new people? Is it exciting for you, or is it something you don't find enjoyable?

I used to dread meeting new people, but now I don't think it is so bad. But I still don't have FUN doing it most of the time.

How would you feel if someone tried to start a conversation with you? Would you be a) annoyed and suspicious or b) open and happy someone took an interest? The way you answer this question says a lot about your personality.

The problem is you have to stop thinking so much. The moment you have to think of an opening line, you are done. Even if you do talk to her, you appear stiff and unnatural.

I suspect you have an irrational fear of being rejected or bothering someone. I know I still do.

You have to find a comfortable and appropriate opening line you would be able to say in ANY situation, so you don't think about it.

Do any of these fears seem familiar:

1) being thought of as rude, or impolite?
2) boring/uninteresting?

Fear #1 is irrational. What is so impolite about wanting to talk to someone who you don't know?

A person who gets mad at you for trying to get to know them is basically telling you "I'm not someone you should get to know. I'm not worthy of your time."

Fear #2 is also irrational. The good conversationalist gets his partner to talk about themselves. I suspect you are fearful of not having anything to say if someone asks personal questions about you.

Think about some interesting experiences you have had, or even plan to have (ie. going to a concert, on a trip, etc.) Add a lot of detail--make stuff up if you have to! But remember to be vague, and turn the questions around on the other person.

Ask questions that force them to tell you a story. Think about what you typically ask a person, and reword it so they can't answer yes/no. It's hard, but it can be done.

 

[T Dog]

Finally some understanding of the problem at hand.

Originally posted by Wolf in sheep's clothing:
but the issue for me is how do I actually condition myself into doing this so that it becomes a more natural process and not one requiring direct concentration with thoughts like "OK Wolf, lets be people-oriented now".

That's the samething I am trying to do, the conditioning.

I suspect you have an irrational fear of being rejected or bothering someone. I know I still do.

Originally posted by Playerintraining:
I suspect you have an irrational fear of being rejected or bothering someone. I know I still do.

That's it Player, I feel like I am being intrusive with my questions. I wonder where I picked that up from?

Thanks for the insight. Anything inperticular that you have done to over come this?

T Dog

 

[PlayerinTraining]

Originally posted by T Dog:
Finally some understanding of the problem at hand.

That's it Player, I feel like I am being intrusive with my questions. I wonder where I picked that up from?

Thanks for the insight. Anything inperticular that you have done to over come this?

T Dog

No, I still feel that way most of the time. You just have to tell yourself that it isn't a big deal. If you talk to someone, you aren't doing anything wrong.

I've read some material on SS and hypnosis that would relate to this. Milton Erickson was a master hypnotist who developed his own style. He was able to hypnotize the most resistant clients. The key--PACING.

Pacing is observing the person's body language to infer how they are feeling. Once you know where a person is, they can trust you, then you can then use your words to LEAD them to the feelings they want to have. That is the basis of Speed Seduction.

Next time you are in a situation, just observe the person, make a statement about how they APPEAR to you to feel, and then ask them about it.

Example: Woman hard at work in a bookstore. Eyes wander a little, looks fatigued/bored, etc. (I've actually done this when I'm in a relaxed mood).

Me: You look like you could use a break. What are you working so hard on?

Girl: (laughs) I'm working on....

 

[mistyc]

Interesting insights.

 

[pjam]

You should always try to improve yourself. If you dont' like something about yourself go out and try to improve upon it.

BUt there also comes a time when you have to realize who you really are.

I have learned alot from this site, but I find it amazing that so many people just basically trash what anybody else has to say if it doesn't fit in the "DJ" mindset.

Sometimes by trying too too hard at trying to become something that you're not, you gradually wind up forgetting who you really are.

As you should try to improve and not care if others don't like you or reject you, you have to realize that some people will never have the personality or quick wits of a Bill Clinton or the smarts of an Stephen Hawkins or the marketing genius of Bill Gates, you have to realize who you are and improve upon it.

Some people will never be able to be the center of attention at a party. They might be able to improve, learn, and have fun at a party, but some people don't strive for that attention that others do.

Is there anything wrong with this, No. the only thing wrong is when you try to be like somebody else when in fact, you have to learn what works for you, whatever that may be.

BUt no matter what, read some books, take some classes or join groups that pertain to your hobby or hobbies, that way the more people who do things that you have an interest in, the more comfortable you will be at talking and socializing.

 

[T Dog]

Pjam,

I know where you are going with your motivational speech. Thanks, but it's not necessary.

My quest to adopt more people oriented skills is part of a larger plan in becoming a more effective leader and establish better relationships, in the business world, with family, friends, and of course the ladies.

I am not singluarly focused on being a people person, I'm not oriented that way, don't expect to be. It's not my strenght. Nor am I singuluarly focused on picking up the pu$$y.

I know how to improve my strenghts, that's being task oriented. I am putting 70% of my efforts into improving my strenghts. That's the easy part, because it comes natrually.

I am only focusing 30% of my efforts into eliminating my weakness'. Becoming more people oriented is only a small percentage of that. Over coming this trait is not easy for me, so I am asking help from the members of this board.

I know what I want, I know what my strengths and weakness are. I am happy with who I am; I am ambitious.

You can't expect great things if you don't work at it.

T Dog

 

[SoSuave.com]

Moving to The Archive.

 

[aBAzLLnA]

i guess thsi problem is really common amongst us. how would u go by improving this?