Need suggestions on becoming more people oriented

[T Dog]

Recently Mistyc was expressing some discourse with himself. His comments made me realize something about myself as well.

I am a Task Oriented Person. I focus on the task at hand. The opposite of this would be a People Oriented Person, who, while executing a task they focus on the human aspect of that task. For example, where I would concentrate on getting the task done in the most effective way, the opposite personality type would be concerned with how he can make the task easiest on the people involved.

In the world of meeting women, this really throws a monkey wrench into my DJ ways. When I am running errands I will see a cute girl, but my task is running errands not talking to this Hotties, so I can’t switch gears and instantly start talking to this girl. ///edited 09-31-02//// or any other person, for that matter

My thought process runs like this. Perform errand. See Hottie. I think, “I should talk to this girl. What to say, what to say.” Mind still on the errand… “Crap I should just turn around and talk to her. I’ll comment on the weather. No that’s stupid. I need a reason to be talking to her. Think of a reason, an excuss.”

A people oriented person would welcome the distraction to the errand and openly talk to the Hottie. He would not need a reason to talk to her. He just would.

I hope I have explained my situation clearly to you guys.

I can’t change the fact that I am a task-oriented person and I am not looking to, but I am looking to absorb some more of the task oriented personality traits. If anyone has any insight into becoming more people oriented I would appreciate any HELPFUL comments.

Thanks

T Dog


[This message has been edited by T Dog (edited 07-24-2002).]

[This message has been edited by T Dog (edited 07-31-2002).]

 

[Pro]

I don't know about your direct question at hand but I think I can solve your errand problem.

All you need to do is use the 3 second rule effectively. After many times of this you'll be especially comfortable and have a lot of time in the actual field.

To use the 3 second rule properly you need to just take the three seconds to realize the girl is hot and you should be talking to her, then just start walking towards her. Walk right up to her. You'll have to come up with something to say.

So just grab your balls and do this.

It actually doesn't matter what you say at all b/c if you totally fvck it up you still got to approach her and get off your errand kick.

You'll be running to the store for beverages and bringing back girlies in no time.

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"If you do something, you'll reap rewards."

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face" -Eleanor Roosevelt

 

[LaidBack]

My Friend, sometimes a charming smile and a Hi i noticed how cute you were , whats your name would do fine when your mind freezes

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Ooorahh*

 

[mistyc]

You don't fully understand.. For you it's natural, but for us task-oriented people, a smile and a friendly hello is often the least important things on our minds when running errands.

Example:

Went to a grocery store to buy a single chocolate bar (was very very hungry but didn't have time for more, and my body told me it needed sugar badly).

I find the one I want, go to the counter, start paying and the girl asks me, as a joke "want a bag for that?"

Now, meeting girls was not on my mind at all - getting sugar was. So I just laughed and said "sure" jokingly, then left..

Only later did I think that maybe I should've taken things further.

Only later. "Just go talk to her", the 3s rule, etc, don't apply or don't work. At least not in this frame...

 

[SexPDX]

T Dog,

I don't know if you saw my post about my "massively outgoing" experiment, but what I am doing is trying to condition myself to be GENUINELY interested in other people and be curious about them. If you can manage that, you've got it. I am doing okay with it so far but it takes time. I started out shy a few years ago then I became outgoing, now I am just stepping it up.

Nick

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- The seductionist formerly known as trickynick

You either own the game or it owns you.

~"Pon atencion al latido de tu corazon...y el ritmo de tu respiracion...como te permites llegar a ser completamente llevada...por la conexion que esta tomando lugar." ~

 

[T Dog]

Pro, Laidback, unfortunately Mistyc is right. It's not something that the 3 second rule can change.

SexPDX, I've read a lot of your stuff, and I don't know for sure, but I think you are a people person, however I still wanna look up your post.

Shy, I'm definately not.

Mistyc, I talked to a co-worker today about this issue, he is one of those self help guru's who gets grants to write self help books. I believe he has every self help book out there.

I went to him because I thought he had been in our situation. Unfortunately he is a People person who learned some of the Task Oriented qualitites. Similiar problem but in reverse. He is going to look for some books that may help us out. I'll let you know what he suggests.

Things that I have done to take on these people traits are...

Observe friends that are people oriented, pay close attention to greetings, phone conversations, HOW THEY LEAVE PHONE MESSAGES, how they interact with new people.

My brother is totally a people oriented person and after hanging out with him for a weekend, I'm usually pretty on for a while, but it always fades. I wish I could bottle that juice!

Learn to say hello and then ask how they are doing, ask about something they mentioned last time.

T Dog

 

[TheLadiesMan]

Smile dude.. and say 'Hi..' it's just that simple.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Originally posted by mistyc:
You don't fully understand.. For you it's natural, but for us task-oriented people, a smile and a friendly hello is often the least important things on our minds when running errands.

I have to agree. I'm very much like this. Only after you've left (or she has), it hits you that you missed a great opportunity.



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"I'm not ashamed of the car I drive,
I'm just happy to be here, happy to be alive,
And it don't matter if you're by my side,
I'm satisfied" - Travelling Wilburys

 

[Mikeman!]

Hmm, I just realized that this is me. When I have things to do, noone else around seems important to me, they're all just obstacles towards my destination.

Whenever I walk near someone I know, they're usually always the first to notice me and call out my name...I just don't pay attention to anyone when I have a task to perform.

Sometimes I get the girls at checkout counters or girls working at small stores trying to start up a conversation with me when I'm purchasing something and I just completely ignore it because my mind isn't focused on girls, I see it as an annoyance.

I find that the only people I tend to be interested in talking to when being interupted, are those who share a common interest with me and bring that up as the topic of conversation.

 

[mistyc]

Originally posted by TheLadiesMan:
Smile dude.. and say 'Hi..' it's just that simple.

No, actually, if you'd have read what we're talking about, it's not that simple.

 

[Ekschaxze]

I believe I may have this problem as well...

I'll look for more information about it.

 

[SexPDX]

Originally posted by T Dog:

SexPDX, I've read a lot of your stuff, and I don't know for sure, but I think you are a people person, however I still wanna look up your post.

Shy, I'm definately not.

The post seems to have disappeared for some reason. Anyway, the point I made in the post was that the kind of person who women and people in general are drawn to is a guy who is GENUINELY interested in them and comes across as such rather than trying to foist their own social agenda on others without correctly interpreting the feedback they recieve from others.

I personally was shy at one time and over the last few years I have overcome my shyness. However, it is my belief that a shy person who overcomes shyness still carries with them some characteristics that went along with their shyness that must be dealt with separately.

For example, when you are shy you tend to occupy you mind with things that are important to you that are not necessarily important to others in your environment because to occupy your mind with things that are interesting to others than you would have to step outside your comfort zone to interact with others. As a shy person you tend not to step outside your comfort zone.

When the shy person makes a concious effort NOT to be shy he is now engaging others, but does it in a self-focused way because being somewhat self-focused is something he has gotten used to. This may come across to others as being boring or too wrapped up in oneself. The TRULY outgoing person is interested in others.

In my case the shyness issues were accompanied by a semi-narcissistic view of the world where I had to believe that others admired me and they should approve of me no matter what. Since actually interacting with others proved that this was not always the case, I became afraid of others and even resentful of them for not showing me the approval I thought I was worthy of just because of my own narcissistic belief that I was somehow "special" compared to everyone else just for being me.

Now that I have no problem engaging other people, I want to become REALLY outgoing rather than just creating the APPEARANCE of an outgoing personality. You really only get what you give to others. Think of the kind of person you would like to meet and spend time with and BE THAT PERSON FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

Nick

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- The seductionist formerly known as trickynick

You either own the game or it owns you.

~"Pon atencion al latido de tu corazon...y el ritmo de tu respiracion...como te permites llegar a ser completamente llevada...por la conexion que esta tomando lugar." ~

 

[T Dog]

Originally posted by SexPDX:
...the kind of person who women and people in general are drawn to is a guy who is GENUINELY interested in them and comes across as such rather than trying to foist their own social agenda on others without correctly interpreting the feedback they receive from others.

For example, when you are shy (or task oriented) you tend to occupy your mind with things that are important to you that are not necessarily important to others in your environment because to occupy your mind with things that are interesting to others than you would have to step outside your comfort zone to interact with others. As a shy person you tend not to step outside your comfort zone.

This is similar to my mindset. It’s not my comfort zone, but I just don’t find what they are toalking about interesting. I’d rather walk off and find someone else who is talking about something I am interested in.

...being somewhat self-focused is something he has gotten used to. This may come across to others as being boring or too wrapped up in oneself. The TRULY outgoing person is (truly) interested in others.

...I want to become REALLY outgoing rather than just creating the APPEARANCE of an outgoing personality.

Me too.

You really only get what you give to others. Think of the kind of person you would like to meet and spend time with and BE THAT PERSON FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

Nick

Nick, I cut out a lot of what you said not because it wasn’t important, but because everyone should have and can reread your original material in it entirety.

You have had really made huge gains into your personal development and I comment you on that. Keep it up. (That’s my people orientation coming out, but I really mean it so it’s easy to say it.)

I think after reading your post that you too are task oriented as well.

I don't expect to totally become people oriented because that's not my natural strength and I would never want to kill a natural talent, but rather develop it to it’s max.

The reserve of that is I would like to have the people perspective as well to improve my network of friends, my connection to them and my ability to meet a quality lady.

The second to the last paragraph hits the nail on the head of our problem.

Thanks for your input.

T Dog

 

[mistyc]

T Dog, you'll have to give me your email address again. Your other thread ("where's that post by swigue") got deleted...

 

[Foreigner]

Umm... that's me either. I'd be really glad to hear anymore suggestions.

Thanks

~Foreigner


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"We must become the change we want to see." --Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
"Whatever you can do, or dream, you can begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it." --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"Life is a witty riddle, so why not have some fun solving it?" --Foreigner

 

[Doppler4000]

Originally posted by mistyc:
You don't fully understand.. For you it's natural, but for us task-oriented people, a smile and a friendly hello is often the least important things on our minds when running errands.

I think you're giving yourself this label as an excuse to avoid risking rejection by these strangers. You tell yourself it's somehow "OK" to avoid pracicing talking to these girls because that's not your "task". It it were the truth, then you could solve your problem easily by telling yourself one day that your task is to go out and try to pick up 5 strange girls at the park. I'd bet this simple and logical solution won't suddenly solve your problems. Like these guys said- Don't hesitate, and practice, practice, practice.

 

[mistyc]

Originally posted by Doppler4000:
I think you're giving yourself this label as an excuse to avoid risking rejection by these strangers. You tell yourself it's somehow "OK" to avoid pracicing talking to these girls because that's not your "task". It it were the truth, then you could solve your problem easily by telling yourself one day that your task is to go out and try to pick up 5 strange girls at the park. I'd bet this simple and logical solution won't suddenly solve your problems. Like these guys said- Don't hesitate, and practice, practice, practice.

I agree and don't agree. The task thing I was referring to is about _some_ situations.

Now the problem of actually doing the approach is something else entirely.

But related.

Can't explain more right now. Need to go.

 

[DeepBlue]

Tdog wrote:
When I am running errands I will see a cute girl, but my task is running errands not talking to this Hotties, so I can’t switch gears and instantly start talking to this girl.

I have experienced the exact same problem and I view it a little differently so this may or may not help.

I actually am very much a people person at times, but if I get on some task I can get very singlemindedly focused on that task.

In other words, for me it isn't a matter of being a people person or a task oriented person, it's a matter of me getting singlemindedly focused on whatever I happen to be doing. If I am socializing then I am very focused on that, and good luck getting me interested in an errand.

Maybe it is the same for you. If that is the case, here is the solution I came up with for myself.

When I go outside to take care of an errand I have to decide whether I am "open" or "closed". If the errand is urgent then I'll generally decide that I am closed. What that means is that I am closed to being sidetracked from my goal.

But sometimes when the errand is not urgent, and it's a beautiful day, and I'm in a great mood, etc., then I will consciously decide that I am "open". That means if in the course of me walking around taking care of errands I see a girl I'm attracted to I have "permission" (granted in advance to myself) to "go with the flow" and go where the day takes me.

In actual practice I don't decide on being "closed". If I am heading out to do errands that is my default state, so really it's a matter of always deciding on a given day or on a given afternoon whether or not I am "open".

Once I've decided that I am "open" then as I go about my business I have carte blanche to get side tracked anytime an interesting opportunity crosses my path.

If I get into a great convo with a girl and it turns out she's getting on a bus heading in the opposite direction that I want to go, I may get on the bus with her just to continue the convo. Not in a clingy way of course, but only if it feels natural.

Similarly if I strike up a conversation with a girl in a store and she seems sufficiently attracted and I feel the same way about her, then I may spontaneously suggest that we go do something together right then.

All that flows from the fact that I already gave myself permission earlier by deciding that I was going to be "open" (or "on" as I sometimes call it, as opposed to "off").

I think the reason this works is because if I were truly open to getting sidetracked off course all the time, then I would find it difficult to get things done and I'd feel like my life is out of control--like some leaf in the wind.

Being in control of the time period that I designate as an "open" period enables me to relax about surrendering myself over to a very mellow and sexy state of spontaneity. The set time period reassures me that I won't slip permanently into living my life in such an easily distracted and unfocused state. In order to be productive and get real work done, I retain the ability to switch it off.

The funny thing is, after doing this for a while you gain a clearer sense of the distinction in how the two states feel, along with a heightened ability to alternate between them. Eventually you may find yourself going out to do an errand in a closed state, and you see a hottie so right then you decide to switch over to the open state for the next ten minutes or the next hour if time permits.

But you can't start out by trying to do this on the fly. That ends up turning into a meaningless mind game. Initially, it's important to practice deciding it in advance (i.e., before you encounter any temptation that makes you want to veer off course.) Once you have gotten really good at that then you can start allowing yourself a little spontenaeity regarding the actual on/off decision itself.

In a nutshell, you are tapping into some powerful forces of spontaneity that lie beneath the surface of your everyday self, much as you might tap into an oil well. And you want to harness the flow so that ultimately you are still in control, rather than having it control you.

DeepBlue

 

[T Dog]

Doppler4000,

You can actually take a test that tells you what your personality type is, so it's an actually fact. Not an excuse. Keirsy, Myer-Briggs, and Jung are all three legitamate personlity tests. Check it out.

DeepBlue,

Thanks for your input, your advise sounds solid. I'll defiantely have to test this theory out.

 

[T Dog]

All right all you task oriented MoFo's, I talked to my self-help-guru friend. He turned me onto the book Becoming a Person of Influence by John C. Maxwell.

I am currently reading a book by Maxwell The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader. I like and trust his stuff.

Well, there you go. I haven't read this new book so I can't vouche for it. Check it out.