Need some quick advice...

[pbsurf]

ok - first time poster, big fan of this forum.

let me paint a picture and get some counseling.

dating for 10 months. I"m 47, she's 44. I've been divorced and dated A LOT and really built my game from zero to pretty good. Landed this one - who, for 44, is pretty damned hot - because i was indifferent, fun, busy etc.

oldest story in the world - i went from being "whatever" to being too nice, too available etc. She backed off recently, twice, i went about my business and she couldn't stay away. First time 36 hours, second time, 7 days. I would add that other than being available, i have not been clingy, needy or jealous -

we see each other about 1x a week and its always fun.

lots of things for me to ask but the bottom line is i'm too caught up in this girl and really need to figure some things out. She does like/love me, but also knows that i'm available. Whenever i think i've got some power, not returning her calls, getting back to surfing and hanging with my friends, spending time w my kids, she gets nervous, reaches out, and bang - has me in her grips again.

Oh, and she is SUPER flirty and social. Never been married, def an AW - and has a bunch of guys waiting to bang her. We live an hour apart and she's in the city.

ok - so a specific question - if i'm too into her and she is aware of that, should I go ghost for a week? completely blow her off? Should i just bite the bullet and move on? she's driving me nuts but the p**** is very very good and when we do spend time together, as mentioned, its super fun. I would love to not care, esp about whether she's hanging out w other guys, but i think my heart is too much into her.

lots more i'm sure i could add, but any advice is appreciated.

 

[jurry]

Always tough when they can see right through you anyways i think you know the answer.. Back off and date other girls. Nothing lasts, dont get caught in the web cuz you know where that leads!

 

[AttackFormation]

Imo you need more girls in your life. Having the one girl you're seeing be an AW even beyond what girls usually are is going to drive you mad.

 

[pbsurf]

i know - i went 8 years going from one girl to the next, with one crazy similar relationship (1 year) in between. and now this. I honestly can't even think about dating other girls, and i've got some that i could line up i think pretty quickly.

And @Espi - i really don't know what i want. When things are good between us, i think i could be with her forever. and when she goes off and lives her life like she's 25 - i just want to be done with her. I tell myself that i can just bang her weekly, but then i get a bit antsy if she doesn't text or call. I think i'm tying my self esteem to her. Bad news.

any suggestions on how to lower my expectations and not care as much - and still hang out with her?

 

[pbsurf]

this website should win a nobel prize by the way. You guys are doing the Lord's work

 

[AttackFormation]

I honestly can't even think about dating other girls

BEEP BEEP!!! intruder ONE-ITIS detected, critical danger imminent. Administer a standard dose of New Flames from the Black Book medical cache immediately. It is adviced to take an extended stay in section SoSuave and let the medics there help you avoid any trauma caused by the deadly ONE-ITIS. A weapon in the form of No Contact has been dispatched to your location, load it with the Frame Retention special ammunitions as it has been found to be effective against the Mark AW armour worn by the ONE-ITIS deathbot. WARNING! do not attempt to negotiate with the ONE-ITIS, it knows only destruction.

 

[Mr Wright]

BEEP BEEP!!! intruder ONE-ITIS detected, critical danger imminent. Administer a standard dose of New Flames from the Black Book medical cache immediately. It is adviced to take an extended stay in section SoSuave and let the medics there help you avoid any trauma caused by the deadly ONE-ITIS. A weapon in the form of No Contact has been dispatched to your location, load it with the Frame Retention special ammunitions as it has been found to be effective against the Mark AW armour worn by the ONE-ITIS deathbot. WARNING! do not attempt to negotiate with the ONE-ITIS, it knows only destruction.

I don't why guys are so afraid of getting attached to one girl. It's natural and you have a wealth of resources showing you how to deal with the various situations that come up along the way. Running away from your feelings isn't doing yourself any favours. If a guy wants to fall for one girl, I don't see anything wrong with it as long as he knows it's a temporary feeling and that he has the tools to pick himself back up if it all goes to sh!t. Oneitis is not a disease, it's your feelings telling you something. If you're dating multiple women, it's nice to find one that you care about more than all the others. Once a guy reaches emotional maturity, he will learn that break ups and other bad things are just another step along the road which can be overcome.

 

[pbsurf]

Point, counterpoint! Awesome. Two completely different answers.
And I've gone back and forth between them in my head



Oneitis is fairly new. I went from being devoted to a wife that cheated on me to a scared inexperienced dad to a guy that was banging girls 20 yrs younger on a regular basis. So to be caught up in one is confusing and a challenge

I love the idea that it's like a laboratory. I'm the scientist observing but have probably got infected. The only cure means leaving the lab This is what we study for

This girl keeps me on my toes. Guys are falling all over her but I'm the only one that gets the vajeen.

For now.

But she is driving me nuts.

 

[TheSlasher]

but I'm the only one that gets the vajeen.

How could you be so sure?

 

[TheGambino]

I don't why guys are so afraid of getting attached to one girl. It's natural and you have a wealth of resources showing you how to deal with the various situations that come up along the way. Running away from your feelings isn't doing yourself any favours. If a guy wants to fall for one girl, I don't see anything wrong with it as long as he knows it's a temporary feeling and that he has the tools to pick himself back up if it all goes to sh!t. Oneitis is not a disease, it's your feelings telling you something. If you're dating multiple women, it's nice to find one that you care about more than all the others. Once a guy reaches emotional maturity, he will learn that break ups and other bad things are just another step along the road which can be overcome.

Repped that

 

[pbsurf]

Point, counterpoint! Awesome. Two completely different answers.
And I've gone back and forth between them in my head



Oneitis is fairly new. I went from being devoted to a wife that cheated on me to a scared inexperienced dad to a guy that was banging girls 20 yrs younger on a regular basis. So to be caught up in one is confusing and a challenge

I love the idea that it's like a laboratory. I'm the scientist observing but have probably got infected. The only cure means leaving the lab This is what we study for

This girl keeps me on my toes. Guys are falling all over her but I'm the only one that gets the vajeen.

For now.

But she is driving me nuts.

 

[TheGambino]

Just talk to more women, get more girls in your routine because it will help you in all ways

-You will be less availble
-You'll care less about the outcome because you got options
-She will find out on a natural way that you have attention from more women so she will become jealous and do her best to keep you
-Women want a guy that is chased by other women, especially if shes hot and guys chase her like you say
-She will be less in your mind because you got other hot girls around you

Don't tell her or show her you got more girls chasing you, just talk to more girls, date other girls and she will feel it due your attitude without you even noticing another girl ever

Most important: F8ck her so good she thinks she's in heaven, have fun with her, after the dates be less availble and let her contact you afterwards

I could add way more reasons to spin plates to the list

 

[pbsurf]

Looks like I duped the comment

Yeah. Do I know for sure I'm the only one on it ? No. I think I know her well enough that she hasn't f-d anyone else but may soon. And she played smash mouth with a "friend" recently I'm pretty sure.

So this is the dilemma. She thinks she's 25. Isn't into me as much as I am into her. But. She can't go without me for long. And I just give in

It's tough to go back to the drawing board.

 

[pbsurf]

Honestly I think the reason I'm with her still is that we have a blast together and I have her number in the rack. Tough for both of us to leave that

 

[jurry]

So whats the problem? Just enjoy the laboratory! Let her do her 25 yr old thing and you smash her when she needs you back, then date other girls too. If you go all lovey dovey on her shes gona run so why not just enjoy it for what it is?

 

[AttackFormation]

I don't why guys are so afraid of getting attached to one girl. It's natural and you have a wealth of resources showing you how to deal with the various situations that come up along the way. Running away from your feelings isn't doing yourself any favours. If a guy wants to fall for one girl, I don't see anything wrong with it as long as he knows it's a temporary feeling and that he has the tools to pick himself back up if it all goes to sh!t. Oneitis is not a disease, it's your feelings telling you something. If you're dating multiple women, it's nice to find one that you care about more than all the others. Once a guy reaches emotional maturity, he will learn that break ups and other bad things are just another step along the road which can be overcome.

The reason it's called a disease is because it's you who gets inflicted with it, not the one you want. You obsessing over her is not going to change how she feels.

 

[Mr Wright]

The reason it's called a disease is because it's you who gets inflicted with it, not the one you want. You obsessing over her is not going to change how she feels.

You're missing the point. The "disease" isn't you liking a girl. The issue only occurs when you cannot handle your own emotions and allow the situation to get on top of you. Sites like this are great because they show you that what you're feeling can be overcome and it's not permanent. An emotionally mature man gets the best of both worlds because he can a connection with a woman but he is also aware that if she walked away tomorrow for whatever reason, he'd be okay. He'd know for a period of time he would be upset but that time will pass so there is no point getting hung up on something he cannot control.

This is why I think some guys get good with women and some guys don't. The one's who cannot handle the rejection are the ones who cannot handle their emotions, the negative feeling is too much for them so they stay inside and don't make the moves necessary. A guy who is more emotionally secure can approach more women because he can handle the rejection.

By ignoring your emotions and denying yourself genuine feelings for a woman, you are treating the symptom, not curing the problem. If there was a study done on this, I bet the guys who get mentally beaten by "oneitis" are the ones who get beaten in other areas too. The only real variable in your life that you have control over is you. The "disease" is literally a figment of guys imaginations.

 

[pbsurf]

mr wright

very astute for a 21 yo.

The disease is an addiction/fever sort of thing. We all know it or hopefully we do. its something that we all want - to a point. this is not unrequited love - she is confused too, and addicted to something.

I'm fine with being attached to just one girl. I know I can move on - that drives her nuts.

Part of me doesn't even mind the competition. I've had beers with guys shes f-d and honest to god have no jealousy w/them. And I am far from being a flat out player. I like the fact that she consciously chooses me.

but this gives my power away. I feel like i'm always trying to get it back

the alternative is to lower my standards, or change the way I think...

 

[pbsurf]

update - more journaling unless someone wants to chime in.

got together last night - again, she made the date, she drove up and we had a great time as usual. She brought some things up - trust and boundary stuff, all on her end (see prior posts), I stood my ground and was a bit standoffish. thougth that went well. But... after a few drinks i slid back into boyfriend mode, probably too soon. But... we drank and laughed and ended up banging all night, and she was pretty happy in the AM.

so, apparently we are where we were a couple of months back, her IL is now much higher than I thought - probaby 80%+ (she made plans for us this coming weekend - she is initiating all texting/conversations) She is talking LT stuff.

All in all, i might have the ability to get my "manhood" back. I'm changing and have changed my nice guy behavior, but not completely.

As for the advice - i will re-read and apply. My "oneitis" is real - i just don't have any desire to bang or hook up with other girls right now - so its about controlling my emotions with this one.

And the truth is that my emotions are all over the map, and not just due to her - i've got a fairly high stress/busy life - mostly good but some sh*t to deal with. Drink a bit too much, stretches of depression (she has no idea), self esteem issues. As much as i'm a "self improvement" sort of guy, it takes a lot of energy to get through some days and i can't tell if she's helping or hurting sometimes.

Not very alpha but whatever.

 

[Navigator]

ok need to figure some things out. She does like/love me, but also knows that i'm available. , def an AW - and has a bunch of guys waiting to bang her. We live an hour apart and she's in the city.

Being an AW should be a dealbreaker as far as entering into anything serious. Danger, Will Robinson.