Need some insight.

[Jerry Maguire]

I pretend to have quite a high self image. However, since I really don't have any success with women, this has affected my self image to the point that I now pretend to have a high self image.

Now I barely even look at a girl, or allow her to know that I've looked at her, all to protect my high self image (which is of course false). This is probably linked strongly to a fear of rejection.

I've identified that this way is not very successful because
a) Not getting any attention from females at all.
b) It's causing me unhappiness because I feel fake.
c) Most people would think I'm gay. :x

I'm trying so hard to be cool and nonchalant (by not letting on that I find any women attractive) that I'm sure I'm giving off a totally gay vibe.

I'm looking for a way to be less shy-boy and more forward in an attempt to attract more women. But, my main question is: I want to be successful with women, obviously. But how do I find a balance between being sexless (by barely ever looking at an attractive girl) and being too sleazy? (by like, groping them).



I find it quite hard to explain my way of behaving at the moment, but sexless seems to be the best word to explain it. If you don't quite understand my post then please ask questions to help understand rather than not responding.

Hope you can help.

 

[lets_do_this]

Ive had similar problem before.

"how can i be confident, if i cannot even pull women or get sex?"

"am i supposed to pretend i get laid everytime? but i dont..."

so here's what u do, and here's what i did.

One way of solving this might be against the bible's teachings.

and here it is.................................................

GO FOR UGLY *****ES... i'm talking below avg!

y? because those are the same type of people with the same level of self esteem with u! (im not trying to bring u down)...

and what happens next? u finally get laid.. much more often.

it still feels good yes? doing doggy style.. ! u dont even have to look them in the face.

then finally u can move up the sexual ladder onto more better looking girls. like AVERAGE girls.

Hope the best of luck to u bro, hopefully someone will have a better advice.

But this is all i could muster up from my perspective; and since i feel like ive been in your shoes.

 

[Socialreject]

I could summarize you in two words...

Emotionally dependant.

Your high self image is fake and obviously dependant on outside influences. You want to learn to carry your self image around with you then don't let it depend on others. Your strength comes from within, where you go it follows you. It's unaffected by setbacks or successes.

Right now you are saying to yourself 'I'm attractive, I'm hot, I'm strong' and then someone rejects you and you say 'i suck, I'm ugly, I'm weak'. One moment your Casanova reincarnated the next your just another AFC. Why? Because someone told you so.

You see my point?

Realize there is only one person that will ever be there for you, whenever you need him and will never turn you down. That's you, yourself. Some of us are lucky enough to find something like this in another person in our lives. Don't take this for granted, appreciate it every time because it really is extraordinary and special. In the absence of this person you have to rely on yourself. Don't think you are, don't pretend you are, KNOW you are.

You want practice? Easy... start taking risks. Every time you feel needy then do an action that will dis-empower your neediness. For example, you really want to hit it off with a girl... walk away, screw it up, whatever... just don't get drawn into your neediness. The beast inside will learn not to ask for anything soon enough. Set your self worth and esteem to a realistic level, lock it in a box and throw away the key. All you need is yourself!

Might be good for you to go out there and get rejected. Sounds dumb i know but just try it. Get rejected, again and again untill you don't need reassurance anymore.

 

[Dorian]

There's a great line out of Rob Roy... "honour is the gift a man gives himself"... you can extend that to any/all values/ethics

My Dad not being around much when I was young left me a bit in limbo in the development area (why I married the type of person I did!) - I "grew myself up" as a man (and out of that ordeal of a marriage!)..

The trick is, you have to decide what values you have, or want to have, and then act in accordance with them.. ALWAYS

Make that your goal - your self image will sky rocket because what makes us good is not all the superfluous shyt (looks, job,IQ, etc) but our intention AND efforts to be better people - just pursuing the goal makes you that better person, you don't already have to be there. You do have to commit to that and ACTIVELY pursue it tho...

Don't worry bout the chicks - they will follow as soon as the above happens. YOU are the GOAL, so work on that. You'll become their's after that - secure women go for secure guys (as it should be, we all have to take personal responsibility for ourselves)

All the best

 

[organizedconfusion]

the word you are looking for is INDIFFERENCE...




i think you may be confused.
your self-image is the image of yourself you see in your mind
and the type of person you see yourself as.
if in real life you act like a he-man, but in your
mind you see yourself failing- the image in your
mind will always come out on top;
that image in your mind IS the self-image.

whatever image of yourself you hold in your
mind of yourself will always dominate
whatever hokey thing you do in reality- if it's not
congruent with that thought.


your real question is;
how do you remain indifferent while still being seen as attractive to woman..


what are your thoughts on this?

 

[john_1234]

"lets do this" has a good point and i could totally relate because i had similar experiences. i had to start somewhere, so i started messing with girls in the "****able" category. just make sure that the girls are from out of town so none of your friends know about it. you'll gain some experience which will help you with better looking girls in the future. just like someone starting a weight-lifting program, he's not going to start benching 225 pounds for 10 reps. he'll first start small at maybe around 100 pounds for 10 reps and gradually work his way up.
i've improved to the point that i now don't even give girls in the "****able" category the time of day. i did initially and i have no regrets; for me it was part of the process of becoming the person i strived to be

 

[Jerry Maguire]

These replies have been great. Socialreject, your post in specific was awesome.

Also, as for "how do you remain indifferent while still being seen as attractive to woman"

Can anybody answer this?

 

[Dorian]

Looking back at your first post, I get the sense you're actually ignoring them or avoiding eye contact... that does not equal nonchalance

Go look at the mental kino stuff in the bible and posts - you should work on that, you know bedroom-eyes type of stuff: you won't be able to call that faking, cause that's where


Just by the by, self esteem is derived externally (ie how you perceive where stand amongst others), you can't fake it - you actually have to work at it increasing, taking the chances and winning and losing and getting successes under your belt. Above all, remember it's just a game... one where the women don't have to pull their weight at all: you're ALREADY better than them because YOU are the one that HAS TO take the risk talking to them in the first place (now stick that in your self worth - which is what you can change without others involved)!

Its HARD man, but you don't have any choice - you just have to put yourself out there. I still get cringe feelings inside when it doesn't feel like its flowing sometimes: but I know I'm gonna get there in the end because I've had successes in the past - I don't count failures (just try to learn from them)

Anyway dude there's heaps of good info on as far as I've seen, so stick with it and just keep moving forward

All the best.

 

[organizedconfusion]

breaking rapport is in itself -"high status"

the person trying to get the eye contact is usually the one
looking for validation-reconition or approval of their presence


kinda like a "cool" guy walking in the room and a girl
squirming around tossing her hair trying gain any kind of
reconition...while he acts as if she dosen't even exist..



but then again..
who knows, i just made that up
i learned it from watching alot of movies

 

[backbreaker]

i read the first line and stopped reading.

You can't have other women want to jump your bones, until you can honestly look in the mirror and say "damn, a woman would be out of her mind not to want to rape me"

NOt just talking physicaly, but all around person.

work on yourself, the chicks will come... trust me on this, ,there isn't a shortage of them by any means

Work on building yourself. Don't think about women, don't masterbate, don't do anything but focus on Jerry "show me the money!" Maguire.

Once you feel comfortable around yourself, you will fill comfortable around women.