Need some input - how to handle a situation where you f*** up

[pk5287]

I've been reading these threads for quite some time so I am familiar with the DJ principles and by no means consider myself an afc. However, this time i need to ask those members of the community who have "been there, done that" how to proceed.

Some background: been dating a fantastic girl for 5 months now. This is a semi ldr situation, she lives 2 hours away from me. I see her give or take every other weekend. I have been in a real ldr situation a few years ago that ended quite painfully, so I knew very well what I was getting into and wouldn't have done it if I was not 100% certain the girl is worth it. This is my first real ltr.

Here comes my question... I will explain the particulars if need be, but first I just need some general advice. I recently f***ed up real bad... this is the end of an email I received from her when I got back home after visiting her last weekend:

"I am not even mad writing this e-mail, I just start feeling uncomfortable in this relationship.
I am not asking for any explanation, I can help you come up with a bunch of them...
If you really understand this e-mail, I think you know what to do"

I'm familiar with the "retain your power" dj rule, as well as the all important "whoever needs the other less controls the relationship". I just don't think either applies in a situation where you truly are at fault... thanks in advance, any advice will be very much appreciated.

 

[ARrocket]

lol, I think the particulars need to be explained...

 

[pk5287]

OK here we go...

A few months ago, right after we got back from a trip together, I had the symptoms of a minor std. I got a checkup, got treated right away, and neglected to tell her about it simply because I didn't know how to handle a situation like this, this is my first ltr after all. Now, she knows that I have had a few casual hookups over the last little while, and as I recently found out she was concerned about this for some time... she asked me to get a check up in february, a few weeks after I went in for one and got treated. I told her I just recently went in for one, don't worry about it. I haven't gotten my results from the test at that point yet, I did plan to tell her when I did.

Fast forward to this weekend. She brings up the issue again. I tell her the reason I went in for the original checkup, and that she should go in for one and also get treated asap. She acted like it didn't bother her that much at first, just said "promise u'll tell me if something like this happens again". I did. When I got back home and read that email, the message of which is (if I understand correctly) "I'm not sure I can trust you anymore". I did reply saying something along the lines of "I already apologized and told u this will not happen again so I don't need to repeat myself... if you doubt whether you can trust me the I guess we have a lot of things to talk about"

In retrospect, I kinda wish I didn't write that email back right away, should have slept on it... I don't know how unique this situation is in ltr's, I'm not sure to proceed now. She hasn't replied to my email or to a text that I sent her saying "I want to talk about this, will you be free tonight?"

 

[lordson]

fvcking women

they're all the bloody same, blow up over some shyt that doesn't really matter that much in the long run

my girl does it, and every one of my friends women do it

if this is any use to you, just know play it cool, be yourself, think rationally and the situation will blow over eventually

 

[jwtile]

This girl obviously cares about you but it sounds like she doesn't trust you anymore. I think your e-mail was a fair response to the situation but honestly, it doesn't matter what you say cuz she lost her trust in you. I say play it cool but you have to gradually win back her trust. I think she feels bad breaking up with you and even though she likes you, she knows thats the better thing to do but can't bring herself to do it. Shes kinda hinting "I know your cheating on me so why are you with me" kinda thing. Shes just waitng around to see whats going to happen. Im going through a similar situation so I can relate to her.

~21 year old girl~

 

[dannyegg4575]

Trust is a biggie... when a girl tells you that and you start acting wussy, you're done. Just be truthful about it and don't bull****. she'll understand.

to be honest, i think she will welcome the competition because in her heart, she knows you are still going back to her. Doesn't matter what is out there, your heart belongs to her. Just don't act like a wuss bag and start giving her the power. You lose right away.

I learned this the hardway.

 

[Axcell]

Your title should be "How to regain trust in LTR's" as that what the problem seems to be. You messed up real bad, now your relationship is on the line, and you want to still remain the "prize" in the relationship to have the power in the relationship, but she wants to call it quits.

Honestly - I do not have the best knowledge about this particular subject, so I will not say much. However, one thing I can say is do NOT come on strong too soon if she pushes you away and do not start getting physical or too emotional if your relationship ends to try to get her back.

PLAY COOL. Sure, there is a risk she may not come back. But if you make yourself look like an obsessed freak if she brings up the topic, you are not only going to lose the power in the relationship, but you will make yourself look like an obssessed dork.

She doesn't trust you. So, start being more honest with her. If she really likes you, she will notice that and will stay with you...
Just don't start being all needy and AFC with lines such as: "Baby, I am SO sorry I screwed up I promise I will be more honest with you." SHOW IT, AND DON'T APOLOGIZE EVEN IF YOU MESS UP. Now, don't apologize, but acknowledge you did something wrong. So, say something such as: "I am sorry you feel that way." (Got that line from a thread recently posted on this forum.)

Go from there - best of luck!
Axcell.

 

[pk5287]

Thanks everybody for all of your advice. The situation ended up being much less serious then I thought... I sent her an email where I basically said "I fvcked up, I was simply uncomfortable telling you, it was immature of me and I admit it." That's the simple truth beneath all the bs... seemed to satisfy her.

We talked about it on the phone tonight and I think everything is all good... I will definately make sure to not act like a needy wuss, I always keep in mind the "cardinal rule of relationships", as I've heard it referred to on these forums: whoever needs the other less controls the relationship. This means that although this girl is a rare gem I am willing to next her if it comes down to it.

By the way, JWTILE... I never cheated on her, don't have a reason too - I'm quite happy with her. The casual hookups happened prior to us meeting.