Need some help with this situation->

[BootsOfEscaping]

I am in a rat bag situation. My LTR of many years has turned sour on me and we live together. Sometimes she acts like she is "working out her issues" and we get along really great and other(most) times she says she doesn't want to keep trying to make our relationship work, she is not attracted to me anymore etc. We don't have sex anymore which in itself is enough reason for me to bolt. I do love this girl but what does that really mean anyway. It isn't worth getting toyed with, that is for sure.

We live together which makes this situation difficult. Whenever I have tried to work things out with her in the past she was cool with that but not anymore. All of our "problems" that she says we have are actually things that were happening years ago so its clear she is just making up reasons. As far as I can tell, females come to a conclusion and THEN find reasons to support that conclusion. Total nonsense as seen through a man's eyes.

Now she has completely given up trying to make it work out, so OBVIOUSLY I need to move on. Some days she is fine but as soon as we get into an argument, its over once again. Talk about major stress!

I am trying to save enough cash to move out and she has all of the sudden decided she is "going to a house warming party with friends" blah blah blah. Now, weather or not she is cheating already or whatever, well who knows. She says she isn't but who can trust a woman in this state anyway right? She swears up and down she isn't but I could care less. Its all BS to me.

I am torn between my emotions(bad bad bad) of being with this girl who was the girl of my dreams and the reality of the situation. We all know how this can be, we have ALL been through this. I am not a youngster and I have been through this before and have vowed to work on myself so I can be my own man and not feel like I need a woman to make me happy(amongst other DJ strategies).

I feel I need to act like I could care less about her, how do I do that after being at her beck and call for years? It will be too obvious if I just start acting totally cold and she will know its an act. She says she is "going out" tonight so I called up a 20 year old college hottie I know and plan to go out and hang with her. Good idea??

This girl is really great when she WANTS to be but I can not tolerate being treated like I am always available. Any of you guys have any tips on how to get my mind set to not get emotional and act like I don't give a crap about this girl anymore? Its tougher to do when you live with them day in and day out. I am dreading the weekend. I DO NOT want to sit here at home tonight alone while she "goes out", I feel like a total AFC when she pulls that crap. Probably because me putting up with it MAKES me a AFC!

On the one hand I would like to still be with her but I am NOT going to do that by trying to be with her. The ultimate paradox right? You try and they run away. You leave and they chase. Good lord woman are backasswords!

Last weekend we went to dinner together and had an awesome time, like we used to have. She wore lingerie and all that, we had sex afterwards(the second time in about a month) and it was great. Then here we are a week later and she is telling me she doesn't want to continue our relationship. She flips back and forth between acting like she is trying to make it work and giving up. ARGH!! I wish I could leave RIGHT NOW! I wish I knew a hottie with an extra bedroom to rent! I broke up with this girl after we dated for a couple years and went through the same thing. I moved out, then we got back together after a few months. Who needs this crap?!

Are there any girls out there that are hot AND not insane??

 

[littlebumblebee]

Now I know why you posted such a crabby message on my discussion. Its because you are a miserable sod. Well, I will give u my two cents on your issue. You are obviously madly in love with her. She says she does not have feelings for you anymore but she could just be dealing with her own issues that has nothing to do with you. If you cheat on her with that 20 y/o u will feel like ****. If you seriously think its the end of your relationship, then leave. You wont leave if you have any hope left to hold on to. Decide if theres any hope left and then choose.

Best of Luck

 

[BootsOfEscaping]

Yeah I am miserable, that is for sure. The problem is, sometimes it seems like there IS hope and sometimes not. She has a major issue with us arguing, she HATES it, as do I. If I just left her be and left her alone and stopped talking about "us" she would probably sort it out- she said as much but then later the same night said she wasn't attracted to me anymore. She has serious issues in her own head admittadly and also is VERY stubborn and thick headed about all this. I really don't know how to feel about this. Do I just stick it out and see how it goes or do I save up and leave? If I left she would want me back but moving out is no easy task is it? In the meantime should I go hang out with the other girl or do I sit home alone and wonder if my girl is screwing around on me? I am a very good looking guy so my girl saying she isn't attracted to me is not easy to deal with. Everywhere I go girls check me out but not her anymore. Frustrating!

I think its one of those "set it free and if it comes back to you blah blah blah" situations. If I act like I don't care about her going out she would be less inclined to do things like that. I am at maximum stress level so it becomes harder to keep my emotions in check.

 

[BootsOfEscaping]

What say all of you? When my girl goes out tonight even though I have said I didn't want her to, should I call the college chick and go party with her or stay home and play xbox and wonder if my girl(if Ican still call her that) is meeting other guys, screwing around, etc. Not long ago she said she wanted to go to her friends house( a married female supposedly) and she left around 3pm Sunday and didn't come home until 3AM!!!!! That is so uncool I cannot even tell you. She was like, oh um I guess I just didn't think about it. She apologized for it but I doubt she was sincere.

I have officially become a doormat!!

 

[Desdinova]

Save up and move out. The end of your relationship is being dragged out. If she isn't cheating on you yet, it won't be long before she does. She may also just decide one day that she's going to move out on you.

Your relationship with her still exists because it's what's familiar to her, not because she loves you.

She says she does not have feelings for you anymore but she could just be dealing with her own issues that has nothing to do with you.

That's bull5hit. Women give the same answers for not being in love with a guy:

- I need to figure out what I want
- I want to be single for a while
- I'm not ready for a relationship
- It's not you, it's me

I love how they give so many different answers for "Why are you leaving?"

 

[Nightmoves77]

I don't know if you want to hear from a "NewGuy to the board! I'm still working out the AFC!"

A few months ago, I went through the "Break-up with an very LTR 5+ and living with."

1. She is pressing your buttons on purpose!! If you check, she will be very dressed up when she goes out. Was she last time she didn't come home until 3am??? (Probably just seeing what's available to her and comparing it to the current situation.)

2. She wants you to call it off.(She doesn't want to be the bad guy with friends that you both know.)

3. Tonight might be "The Fight!" (She is going to set you up so you go off! - Making you the Bad Guy!

Advice:
1 Go out with the Guys tonight!!!(If you can stay there and then you won't give her the satisfaction of a confrontation!!!Keep your head regardless of what she does...)

2. Don't give her ammo, ahem 20yrold...(Kill them with kindness, but don't grovel or Kiss her *ss!!)

Advice #2:
The DJ's will probably disagree... But if this is a LTR(Also,Live in!) and you are still together in the thick of the B.S. !! You might look into Couseling with her?? Keep your head, but think about it..

 

[BootsOfEscaping]

Some good advice but I just emailed her and asked her what her intentions were as far as going out and if she was looking. She completely ignored that and said she would be staying overnight because "she didn't want to drink and drive" so as far as I'm concerned this relationship is OVER. I will NOT sit by while she stays over someones house. I can say without a doubt that she is either already screwing someone or plans to. Now I need to figure out if I should call my parents for emergency move money or stick it out another week to get another paycheck before I leave. I don't really know too many people as I am new to this area(we moved here together) and so would most likely move back to the state I came from where I have some friends. Then again, I would have to find a new job etc. What a headache!!!

 

[Desdinova]

At least your chick lets you know she's staying out over night. Mine didn't. She'd go out, stay over night at her friends place, no phone call or nothing, and then come home the next day at 3:00pm.

If all you need is one more week to get the money to move, stick it out. It won't kill you. Just keep yourself busy. Go see some local bands or something. Let her do whatever the fvck she wants. She's already made it clear that you're no longer in a relationship with her. She's just a roommate for the next week.

Also, you might want to do some packing and planning over the next week. Get things as organized as you can so you can just get the hell out of there when move day comes.

 

[BootsOfEscaping]

Yeah she did that the first time we broke up, never came home and showed up the next day. I am in a bit of a bind. I don't know anyone where I live(except the young college girl) and so I either need to get an apartment here and keep my same job or move out of state and stay with my mom until I can get my own place. What a suck situation. At this point I am DEFINATELY going out with the 20 year old if possible tonight and I will DEFINATELY try to get some. Why in the hell not?!

 

[Desdinova]

Pick the location you'd most like to be. If you prefer the previous state you lived in more than where you are now, move there. If you like where you are now, just get an apartment. Jobs and women come and go. You've also got a place to go if you want to get out of the state your in.

Go to the place you desire and things will get better. You're a Don Juan, you can make it happen.

 

[Wyldfire]

She hasn't forgiven you of something from the past. That's why she's still hung up on it. She's got unresolved pain, anger and it's been eating away at her all this time and now she's ready to end it. There's nothing you can do other than move on. I wouldn't advise dating while you still live with her, though. Right now you need to focus on moving out. Look online and in the classifieds for rooms for rent. That's the quickest and easiest way to get out. You can probably find a roommate situation that only requires your share of the monthly rent and utilities to start off with. It might even be less than what you're actually spending right now. Then you can worry about saving money for your own place, dating and getting on with your life.

 

[christz]

see its these situations that make no sense, why is it that a guy or a girl refuse to just leave out of their LTR when things are going bad, and shyt just isn't working

its those on and off again relationships that make no sense, sure you can patch it up but ya know what unless you get a new pannel on, the same problem will arise a patchwork relationship is never good for either the guy or the girl

and yet either the guy or the girl convince themselvs that shyt can be worked through and that they still somewhat love each other.

even if its the girl cheating on the guy she'll convince herself that she's still in love because she's unwilling to attempt to start a new relationship, doesn't wanna start over again.

i'll tell you what i tell them, end it for the best, for you and for her. apprently she can't so you have to.

 

[BootsOfEscaping]

Good words Wyldefire. You are spot on with your assesment of the situation. I just got this email from her after I wrote her a long letter stating how I felt about us:
"I understand your view of the situation and I understand you don't want me to stay out all night. But what you fail to notice is that I don't want to continue this relationship. You think it's because we fight or because you wo'nt let me sleep, but it's simply that I don't want to belong to you anymore. The promises you make now don't mean much to me. I'm sorry. "

That couldn't be much clearer I'm afraid.

I just talked to a friend down in Florida and he says he will help me move, hook me up with chicks down there etc. so I have something to look forward to. I will probably have to stay with my mom temporarily but I can work things out and get my own place soon enough I imagine. I am crushed and relieved all at once.

I do love this girl dearly but I know my real soul mate is out there somewhere. This girl has cheated on me in the past and I think there is just too much pain and bitterness for us to continue. Most likely she will want me back a month or so down the road but I think I would be best to just stop all contact with her as hard as that may be. Moving on isn't easy, I had to get over her before when we broke up and it wasn't fun but its the only choice I have and I want to be as positive as I can about it. I really appreciate you guys adding your advice. Lord knows I need it right now. I have to stay strong! It will be really hard not to become emotional about this situation.

 

[BootsOfEscaping]

christz, you are right my friend. She has been trying to leave me for a long time and I always cling to her. I never wanted to lose her breaking a cardinal rule of manhood: nothing is forever. I have been through so much with her that is physically,mentally and emotionally almost impossible to seperate from her but alas, it must be done. I know I will be much happier in the long run, maybe she will to, I really could care less at this point. I don't plan on staying friends with her.

She has cheated on me in the past and we never really worked through that properly and that is what caused my endless paranoia which developed into all kinds of other bad behavior on my part AND her part. At heart she is a loving,caring beautiful and intelligent girl and I will dearly miss her but the reality is, she is really screwed up in the head. I don't think she really knows WHAT she wants, she just knows I'm not it. I have been fighting her on this for years. She has been trying to break us up off and on for YEARS and I kept talking her out of it. I look back and think, WHAT IN THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME? I know it is a serious case of AFC and I let my emotions get the best of me. I fell too far in love with her and made her the center of my world which as you see, never works out. I could have married her years ago but I screwed things up by acting like a AFC. All I can do now is learn from this and not make the same mistakes next time.

Any coping advice from those of you coming out of LTR's would be helpful. I was with her almost 6 years. I feel somewhat numb. I have to go pick her up at work in an hour and then be subjected to her getting all dolled up to "go out". Ugh. That is the worst.

 

[Wyldfire]

Boots...you and I need to have a little one on one discussion. I can help you get over this woman right here and right now, but you need to stay on this thread and answer a few questions and listen very closely to what I have to say. Can you do that?

 

[BootsOfEscaping]

Hey man, yeah I am up for whatever. I feel dejected, rejected and numb but I know this has been coming for a long time. Nothing more I can do except realize the reality that her love for me withered a long time ago. I am 31 so I have been through this before. This time I don't want to mope around for 6 months about it.

Shoot me back a PM or post on the thread if you wish.

 

[NewMan]

DONT PICK HER UP FROM WORK.

I've been there. In a 5 yr. relationship. Exactly the same situation.


You need to leave IMMEDIATELY.

Pack your bags and go.

Call up the hottie ask to stay with her for a couple of days.

Stay in an extended in - use you credit card if you must.


You should have left before this. Don't do what I did and try and work it out. Leave right now.


If that is impossible, make sure you are not there. Stay out until late - come home and sleep on the sofa or spare room.


ABOVE ALL ELSE - DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL WITH HER.

Don't write or explain your position or how you feel to her EVER again.

It is over. Realize that. You will never get her back.

Onward.

This chick has totally disrespected you. Telling you those things - fvck her.

Don't look back.

It will be hard.

These next couple of weeks will be the hardest.

But if you can, leave tonight.

or at elast go out with friends and stay out all night.

Take some clothes, shower int he morning and don't go back until you have to.

Don't answer calls.

Don't email.

Cut off contact now.

Go home - call your chick or buddies then turn off your cell phone for the rest of the weekend.

Don't be the "Nice guy"

Don't be walked over.

If you need to PM me.

 

[Wyldfire]

I'm going to post on the thread because it might be helpful to someone else.

Okay...

Boots...we all have an image in our mind of our "ideal mate"...and everytime we get involved with someone, we imagine that they are that ideal mate, even if they aren't.

There is a very high probability that you aren't really attached to this woman as you think you are. In fact, you are most likely really only attached to what she REPRESENTS to you...that ideal mate you have pictured in your mind.

Okay, now for the questions.

Boots, are you a good man" Yes or No answer only, please.

 

[BootsOfEscaping]

Well I have to pick her up, its her car. I don't have a car right now, I sold it to start a business that flopped. Makes things a little difficult. I am going to need to stay for a couple weeks so I can save up enough to leave. As much as I would like to leave immediately I don't think I can afford to. I talked to my friend in FL and he is going to drive up and help me move which is very cool.

Now, on to the question, am I a good man?
Yes I am. I haven't been much of a man the past few years though, I have been a wuss bag, a doormat. I am however a good person at heart and I don't ever cheat on girls nor do I seek to directly screw them over in any way.

I do know that I was in this SAME situation about 9 years ago, I was sharing a car with a girl I was living with and she dumped me because she was screwing some guy for a year behind my back. So...as you can see I have had serious trust issues with women yet I still seem to gravitate to how shall I say...scandalous women and therfore I get what I deserve.

I never really dated a "good" girl. My current or shall I say "ex" was "good" for a time but she was slutty when she was a teen. I agree that its my image of her that I am in love with and frakly I think I am somewhat of a sex addict. Aren't all guys? ha.

 

[Wyldfire]

Boots...Are you a good man?

Yes or No?

(I will continue to repeat this question until you give a one word answer.)