Need some help possible BPD

[heater528]

Ok here is what is going on.

I have been married for 5 years. Actually married what I believe to be a decent girl. Was never a *****, drama queen, or anything like that. Things sort of got into a rut... since about January we have been grinding at each other.

In April of this year she goes away for a weekend. Me and my buddies go out and I end up meeting woman. She was with a group of about 5 and she stood out. Her looks were a 10... tall, big breasted, amazing ass and body... we hit it off but Nothing happens that night but we end up exchanging cell numbers. This woman is married as well.

She texted me the next Friday and asked if I had the picture we took on my phone. I sent it to her and jokingly said we would need to take another one together soon. She said " Oh really, are we going to see each other again" I said something smart and in a matter of no time she says we should have an affair. Over the next week we talk non stop. I found out she was sexually assaulted in high school, she is bi-sexual, she loves sex, and is sexually frustrated with her husband. She Started to bad mouths her husband and I tell her up front I do not want to hear about her husband and will not bad mouth him. She saw a picture of my wife and attempted to bad mouth her.. Saying i could do so much better and we should be together ( Red Flag) I told her to knock it off. For some reason I continue on

She ends up booking a hotel for us and I ended up going. She told me she did not want me to use condoms and she had the morning after pill. I used a condom and was freaked out by that offer But The sex was amazing! Best I have ever had. At the end of the night I was getting ready to go and she had a melt down... starts crying, cursing, saying this was just a game... asks if she could love me and starts talking like I am her soul mate. I literally grabbed my stuff.. and ran out the door. ( after that meltdown I intended to never talk to her again) She calls me on the way home crying.. begging to see me again.

Next morning I wake up and remember the amazing sex... See a long email apologizing for her behavior and say what the hell so we continue on. We meet a couple more times for sex and a few evenings out.

She had mentioned on the first night we hung out that her husband doesn't want to know what she does, so she has guy friends she goes and hooks up with on vacations. She goes on a vacation with her girlfriends and I hardly hear from her. I am assuming she is banging some other dude.

She gets back and starts calling and texting me non stop again asking to spend a weekend together. She has also started making references to leaving her husband and going with me ( this is after 3 freaking months) At this stage I am looking to get out of this. I also found out that she is only married to her husband one year.

I do not want to end up being next inline to inherit this BPD woman. I ended up getting an emotional attachment to her but think I stopped it before it grew out of control. I need advice on how to drop this girl.

Overall I feel like a scumbag for my actions. I let my dck lead me and compromised everything I stood for.. I need to get out of this.

 

[Tictac]

So you jumped a mentally ill married woman.

Wow!

Real Don Juan stuff here!

 

[heater528]

Thank you Tic Tac.... I agree it was horrible on my part. I did not come back to the forum to brag about this like I am a master pua. It was a mistake... I should have manned up and dealt with my own issues. I never went out saying I'm going to jump a married chick. She didn't seem mentally Ill the first night we met... No signs whatsoever, she makes great money, looks good, acted good.... I never cheated until this moment... I made one mistake and if I could take it back I would.

 

[Tictac]

Sorry man.

But with both of you married and her a potential bunny boiler, this is a mess.

When I was married, I stayed out of these messes by not going into them.

Some of the macho boys will be along for 'advice' shortly.

Good luck!

 

[Bible_Belt]

All you have to know, and never forget, is that as soon as you dump your wife and commit to her, she will do a complete 180 on you, and you'll step into the shoes of the husband she is cheating on now.

Due to their own abandonment issues, BPDs can only love the unavailable, which is why they make great mistresses. But if you were her bf or husband, she would have to drive you away before she could love you again.

As much as she cries now about not having you, this situation is exactly what she craves. She has constructed it all perfectly. If you kept her as a mistress, she'd love you for 20-30 years. If you married her, she'd hate you in a month.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Heater,
There is a habit amongst many posters to falsely label any Woman who is a little difficult as BPD...But You have met the genuine article...as usual Bibles has it right...See her once a week for a quick interface and no harm will come of it,any more and you risk not just losing a smooth situation with her but bvuggering up a reasonable marriage!

 

[heater528]

This has been an eye opening experience. I am starting to get worried that there have been no exit strategies posted.

Two nights ago I received several text from her which I ignored. She has a pattern... She will text me what I am doing... expect a quick response.... If I don't respond... Text with a "hello, are you ok? I miss you." Then send one with a guilt trip. She did this two days ago.. I finally responded with sorry... been very busy. She went into a rant about how she feels like I am making no effort to see her. So I said some pretty harsh things about how high maintenance she is... and that we are both in a relationship. Her response was simply a question mark.

I did not text back... and yesterday was the first day since meeting her I did not have a message. I was actually relieved. I did not get a single text or email until last night at 9. It was basically a guilt trip saying I cant believe we have not seen each other in X number of days.

I have backed out and no-showed on several of our meetings. I assumed this would piss her off and she would say screw this guy. It has not ! It seems like she will not end this no matter what I do. I need to figure out the best way to get out of this.

 

[hithard]

These girls, once they make an emotional connection are a pain to get rid of. The worse you treat them the more they are attracted to you. If you try to leave or argue it gives them their mental high. And once slighted they bring you into a world of pain.So don't trigger her into one of her rants and don't argue. Keep any convo dull and stupid. Don't get sucked in to arguing or defending yourself.

Going no contact might end it without a problem. But do it wrong.... and if she sees you again it will trigger all that crazy. And she might blow up your spot in front of the wife. These girls can feed off being left in a relationship, push/pull is their domain.
She needs to lose attraction or respect for you a bit, then the emotional pull back to you won't be there as you are giving her no stimulus. Being a non emotive boring **** usually works.

So de-escalate the emotional highs down to beige then try tapering off with no contact is how you would normally do it.

You can try no contact, but they can be a ticking time bomb. You have left her primed. And if she sees you again BOOM. However if you take out the emotional trigger then she will be disarmed.

Things to lose attraction should be easy. When you want out, you start with:
Really bad sex (fart when she is down there, starfish sex, do all the things she hates, creep her out then fall asleep).
Be a whinny clingy beta biatch. But keep it really boring.
Do not feed her emotions at all.
Boring docos on tv.
boring ass convos.
Become a churchie

Where you are at now you might get away with "I feel guilty" while backing away. Try and judge her emotional response and what level it feels at. Then de-escalate from there. Understand what her triggers are.

 

[GS750]

This has been an eye opening experience. I am starting to get worried that there have been no exit strategies posted.

Two nights ago I received several text from her which I ignored. She has a pattern... She will text me what I am doing... expect a quick response.... If I don't respond... Text with a "hello, are you ok? I miss you." Then send one with a guilt trip. She did this two days ago.. I finally responded with sorry... been very busy. She went into a rant about how she feels like I am making no effort to see her. So I said some pretty harsh things about how high maintenance she is... and that we are both in a relationship. Her response was simply a question mark.

I did not text back... and yesterday was the first day since meeting her I did not have a message. I was actually relieved. I did not get a single text or email until last night at 9. It was basically a guilt trip saying I cant believe we have not seen each other in X number of days.

I have backed out and no-showed on several of our meetings. I assumed this would piss her off and she would say screw this guy. It has not ! It seems like she will not end this no matter what I do. I need to figure out the best way to get out of this.

Nope. It will piss her off, but she will continue to contact you. Actually, if you do piss her off she'll think about you twice as much as she was before. These chicks, even when you think they are gone for good they pop up again. It could be a year or later, but they always do. When they sense you are ignoring, that's when the guilt trips begin (as you've seen). They are highly manipulative and will try to get you to re-engage. Sometimes trying the "poor me" tactics; saying they are sick, in the hospital, lonely, bored, etc. The truly whacked out ones with threaten to hurt themselves or in your case contact your wife/GF. Remember what happened to Tony Soprano when he tried to break up with a BPD?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0IxA8QGc8g

 

[heater528]

Ok... I have been doing great with the ignoring her/ limited contact. She suckered me in on Thursday. I got a text from her saying she had a talk with her husband... Claims she told him she is sexually frustrated and he's not keeping up with his obligation. She made some comments to him alluding to the fact she was having an affair because of this frustration. This got me involved in a series of texts. It eventually turned sexual as they always do and her trying to plan out next night together. I caught myself and faded away but had several messages on Friday saying she wishes we were together and other emotional texts. Yesterday was the same...no contact on my part then at 11 a series of messages...statutes with I miss you, then when I didn't answer... Hello... Then are you ok,????, then please don't ignore me.... Then baby I need you....truth is I wasn't ignoring Her ! I was asleep....so I sent her a message saying I was sleeping and she says Ok... No more Contact all day. I sort of feel ****ty treating her like thix but know I need to avoid this potential powder keg

 

[GS750]

See my post above. Highly manipulative and will try to get you to re-engage. You need to go NC. Unless you're enjoying this, then by all means stay involved with her. She may be unhappy un her marriage. She may be considering leaving him. But she won't do it unless she has another guy lined up (you). One thing I always say about my BPD ex is that even if she gets married one day, if it ends up not working out she'll have a new BF before the ink is dry on her divorce papers. Most likely someone she lined up before they split up.

 

[heater528]

Thank you GS, I don't enjoy this... I knew something was up when she came on so strong at first... That's when I returned to the forum and started using the Internet to find out what was up! I have never had someone come on that strong, intentionally build a crazy emotional connection and fluctuate moods this much. It was like getting hit by a barrage of Tyson upper cuts! My wife is going away for a week and this girl brought up a vacation together..not a 3 hour beach drive vacation but a get on a plane island vacation... . My first affair will be my last!

 

[heater528]

I need to thank everyone that has helped me. I have not been on this board in years and when I met this girl I returned. She came on so strong, so fast, she was hyper sexual, unbelievable... I sensed something was up.. A quick search brought up bpd... All the symptoms for! Had I not been on this forum God knows where I would be at this moment. I blocked her today after receiving 6 straight texts trying to guilt trip me.

 

[heater528]

I have had no contact with this girl in 2 days. I continue to get text messages that appear to be an attempt at a guilt trip. " Baby, I miss you" " Please let me know you are ok" the usual attempts to get me to re engage.

I was talking with my best friend last night. He has never been on this forum and I told him my plan. Which is to slowly fade away with no contact. He got pissed at me and said you need to be a man and call her on the phone. She will never respect you if you do that and will bad mouth you to everyone in our area. What are the experts opinion's on this ?

Is it best to do the slow fade with these girls ? I mean she is married, I am married... its not like a highschool break up.?

Or should i be a man and call her... let her know it is over ? A normal girl I would have no problem doing this but with her BPD potential I am worried.

 

[GS750]

You could try and reason with her, tell her you cant be in contact with her. But remember if she is a BPD, or has BPD traits, she is self centered and does not respect boundaries. So even if you do tell her this, and she agrees, she will likely keep contacting you anyway.

 

[Bible_Belt]

should i be a man and call her... let her know it is over ?

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Both options still push her abandonment buttons and make her want you more.

If you want to get rid of a BPD girl, the best thing to say would be something like "you're my gf now. I love you forever." I got rid of mine that way, took about a week.

 

[heater528]

GS, You are right ! From the start there were no boundaries with this woman! She was relentless with the texting, calling, she would expect me to talk to her while in my house... with my wife sitting there. It was insane ! She wanted me to go to her house while her husband was out for an hour or two....

she smothered me more than any woman I was ever with. I remember telling my best friend.. I wish she had a hobby or something because I have never met someone that was always available and texting or calling me. Except when she went away !!!!! Then she vanished and became shady.


Bible Belt, I think the best route for me might be the no contact.

I am fed up with the clingy and neediness. I think if I turn up the affection in an attempt to turn her away it might prolong this.

 

[RacerEx]

I'm one of those guys who feel in love with a girl with an almost (but really, never) manageable case of Cluster B characteristics. She had so much going for her and I was smitten. It's hard to get them out of your head.

If I were you, I'd do two things:

1) Remove her completely from your head and heart. Make up your mind to stop entertaining the idea of her.

2) If you can do the first part, make up your mind to never contact her again. Do not ever say one peep to her ever again.

This was a bad mistake, friend. Start again.

Edit: Actually, you might do the second part first, then the first. Or both at the same time. Just do it. You had gotten a siren call to dash your ship upon the rocks, and you listened to it.

 

[rugby11]

BPD is scary to deal with
Rollo tommassi from therationalmale.com wrote some interesting stuff on this.

 

[heater528]

Rugby, I agree.... I am a usually emotionally under control, cool, collected and pretty calculating. She had me doing things completely out of character. It is like they find one chink in the armor and move in. I was meeting her at places where me and my wife go and was making out with her in a booth like an idiot. She had me calling her from my house... while my wife was in the other room. Looking back I should have ran from the start.

She was in control from day one. She set up everything and pretty much put everything on a platter for me. Show up here and do this... show up there and do that.... Then she made sure to build this amazing connection off our pasts ( We knew each other 15 years earlier)

I have not had any contact with her since Monday. I honestly feel bad about it but need to realize that in 3 months she did not care about me at all. I thought about this...she never asked my hobbies, interests, where I went to school, any of my life stories... from day one it was just about sucking in another victim to validate her...everything we talked about was related to hooking up. There were days where she sort of vanished. I could not get a word out of her. If I called her on it I got crap. There were days where I was very busy... Would have a text from her... followed up by three guilt trips if I did not get back to her.

I